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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I help DH with this

33 replies

HesterLilly · 29/08/2025 09:32

Over 20 years ago I had a very short affair. DH and I worked it out (I thought at the time) and we stayed together and I think are very happy together now. But he is still struggling with it, brings it up in disagreements and at other times and recently has told me he has upsetting intrusive thoughts about it. I have tried to help him and have talked about everything he wants to talk about and he knows how sorry I am.

He will not go to therapy or anything like that. I think we should have gone at the time. What else can I do to help him? He has talked to ChatGPT which was some help, but you have to give it the right cues. I love him very much and feel so anxious and full of regrets.

OP posts:

deadpan · 29/08/2025 10:52

I don't understand why men have such a downer on therapy, I guess it's that manly thing where they think they have to sort things out on their own.
I can't really see how you'll both get past this unless couples therapy is involved. Either it's been festering inside him all.this.tjme or something else has sparked this off now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2025 10:54

He chose to stay with you, he needs to get over it. 20 years?! Ffs. Couples counselling, the proper kind with a paid professional, or divorce. What a way to live.

K8ate · 29/08/2025 11:11

Impossible to say without knowing the background and what still bothers him 20 years later.
is it the thought that you felt there was someone better than him at the time (so he feels inadequate), the deception that could happen again (it’s happened before) or the thoughts of the sexual intimacy taking place?
What is it that he struggles with?

Original poster

HesterLilly · 29/08/2025 11:29

I think it's anger towards the AP (not me) and imagining the sexual acts. I hate when he brings it up because it disgusts me now and I don't want to be reminded of it, but I try to be open and talk about it to help him.

He doesn't worry it will happen again.

OP posts:

Rightandwrong · 29/08/2025 11:46

I feel a lot of sympathy for your DH.

And I get exasperated by the way having "therapy" is often presentd as a magic cure on MN.

You are as entitled to leave your relationship over your DH's continuing resentment and hurt as he would have been to leave all those years ago over your infidelity.

SalmonAndHorseradish · 29/08/2025 11:49

I don't want to sound unsympathetic because when my (now ex) partner had an affair it was devastating, but, 20 YEARS?! The repercussions of an affair are deep and long lasting, but after two decades it is really quite concerning that he is still bringing it up in aguments and using it as a stick to beat you with. While what you did was obviously wrong, he made the choice to forgive you and move forward rather than ending the relationship, and part of that means accepting that what happened happened and can't be changed and making the choice to move on from it and leave it in the past. It's hard, and it's shit for him, but that's how it is. He really needs to speak to a therapist if it is still eating away at him after all this time.

MightyGoldBear · 29/08/2025 11:58

Is it money that puts him off therapy or the whole idea?
I'd reccomend podcasts such as helping couples heal and looking into betrayal trauma. There are groups for men to join so he doesn't feel alone. It is typically a very female dominated space. Partly because men don't often seek help.

As long as you have done everything you can by being open vunerable and transparent. Then it's now his to heal and you can't really do anything to help him.

Some couples do a full therapeutic disclosure. It's like the betrayed partners day in court so ask all the questions they want get thorough answers and both side get to write a pre prepared letter about the damage that's been done to them/caused. It's not for everyone but can be helpful.

Girlmom35 · 29/08/2025 12:06

After 20 years it's completely unreasonable for him to keep bringing it up.
If he has problems dealing with what's happened, he shouldn't be taking them out on you.
Yes, you caused the original issue. But you've repaired what you could and he made a choice to stay with you.
He simply can not keep dragging this up whenever he feels like it.

I actually want to go even further and say that he is actively distorting the power balance between you. Using a 20 year old mistake - for which he was free to leave you at the time - against you, is actually incredibly manipulative. It keeps the score uneven, because as long as he's upset you still have to keep repairing. But the repair also means you're not allowed to be an equal partner in the relationship. You're not allowed to disagree with him, be selfish, stand up for yourself, ... And that's just not fair

If I were you I'd give him a very stern boundary. He can not keep clinging on to the victim mindset and making you out to be the villain in this story.

User2025meow · 29/08/2025 12:12

OP, I could be wrong here, but I feel men may have a harder time getting over sexual infidelity than a woman - (perhaps others with more experience could advise), even 20 years later. Something about our evolutionary past and them being programmed to avoid paternity uncertainty (look it up). So I think any time your relationship will be less than solid, it will come up for him. It's a shame he's not willing to go to therapy to discuss it further and try to heal from it. Maybe he'll change his mind.

Original poster

HesterLilly · 29/08/2025 12:16

@Girlmom35 that made me feel quite emotional and validated. Thank you, that is how I'm beginning to see it too. It can be thrown in my face at the most innocuous triggers.

He says he has intrusive thoughts about it. He wouldn't go to counselling or therapy even if it was free. I used to beg him to do so before the affair happened, as I was very unhappy in our relationship.

Thank you all for your perspectives.

OP posts:

StrawberryWater · 29/08/2025 12:20

20 years!

Urgh.

If he was still throwing it in my face after 20 years I'd leave.

It hurt him yes, there are repercussions yes, but jesus what a waste of a life. He either goes to therapy and deals with it properly and stops throwing it at you all the time or tell him it's time to call it quits and divorce.

Girlmom35 · 29/08/2025 12:25

HesterLilly · 29/08/2025 12:16

@Girlmom35 that made me feel quite emotional and validated. Thank you, that is how I'm beginning to see it too. It can be thrown in my face at the most innocuous triggers.

Thank you all for your perspectives.

Thank you. I'm happy that what I said resonated with you.
I'm actually a couples counselor and I've worked with many couples through infidelity.

I've worked with a couple just like you, only in the earlier stages. It was horrible.
They had a lot of issues beforehand. She was desperate and begged him to work on the relationship. He refused. She had an emotional affair. Not okay, but understandable due to her despair and loneliness.
She confessed, they went to therapy.
And you know what I could see? Deep down, behind the victim facade, he was so happy! He had her right where he wanted her. Getting cheated on was the best thing that could have happened to him.

Throughout the therapy she tried a few times to bring up issues she'd had with him, asking him to take accountability. And he flipped out. How dare she blame him for her infidelity! It was her fault. She messed up. How dare she ask him for anything after what she did.

And that pattern? It never went away.
Every choice, every disagreement, every small mistake she ever made, he brought up what she did. And so she backed down. She never got to say no, never got to be angry or upset, never got to have a different opinion. Because every time he would throw her mistakes back in her face.

Now, most couples I work with aren't like this. But your story instantly gave me these vibes.
You don't have to keep putting up with this.
Yes, you made a mistake. But you've taken your accountability and you're done now. He can not keep holding this over your head.

slugsinthegarden · 29/08/2025 12:51

Some excellent advice here

Dozer · 29/08/2025 12:57

Is he consistently nice to you, in general?

Would tell him that 20 years on you’re no longer willing to discuss it: since he doesn’t wish to seek professional help he should decide himself what to do about it.

The most likely scenarios seem that he is depressed due to other life matters and ruminating on this, or seeking to control or have power over you.

pikkumyy77 · 29/08/2025 13:06

I think I would offer to leave and say

”I can see you have never got over this and that you never will so I think for both if our sakes we should call it quits.”

Frankly, I don’t see how you do anything else. He either can’t or won’t process his disappointment at the flaw in his marriage 20 years ago.

He calls it “intrusive thoughts” and that is quite a disturbing statement. He believes—or says he believes—that negative thoughts about you and the relationship are pushing in and taking over unbidden and unwanted. that is overtly telling you that he can’t and won’t try to change, repair, and stop dissociating and traveling back in time to that past experience of betrayal.

Can’t is sad. Won’t is intentional and dangerous. “ I am unhappy and have intrusive thoughts of your past sin” is at best a drive to remain a perpetual victim in the relationship. At worst it is an implicit threat snd a method of abuse.

I would call his bluff and leave. I don’t think this marriage is safe for you.

Original poster

HesterLilly · 29/08/2025 13:08

He is consistently nice to me yes, and does a great deal for me. Apart from this issue he's perfect.

But I feel he enjoys being the wronged one and me always taking the part of the bad one. I wish I could travel back in time but I can't.

OP posts:

Dozer · 29/08/2025 13:32

That seems like a control thing - a game. The ‘drama triangle’.

pikkumyy77 · 29/08/2025 13:33

You have to break this sick cycle. He pampers you and is “nice” to you some of the time then uses his (much loved) victim status to coerce you into being silent or complaisant when you want something or want to express desires or feelings he doesn’t like. He uses “niceness” and “poor me” as tools of control. Read “why does he do that” by lundy bancroft. I think you will find his “type” in tbere. These are very typical behaviors for covert narcissists to get their needs met.

crowonabranch · 29/08/2025 15:14

I think there are some really harsh responses here. For some, you can carry on as a couple and get over a betrayal but the hurt never leaves you. I’m not saying it should be mentioned all the time at all but when a partner has an affair it profoundly changes the other person. I wonder what the responses would have been if a dh had done it to a dw?

PiggingBastardPigs · 29/08/2025 15:37

crowonabranch · 29/08/2025 15:14

I agree.

BountifulPantry · 29/08/2025 15:48

It’s 20 years ago…

20!!!

If he wasn’t over it, he wouldn’t be with you.

So ask yourself WHY ELSE does he keep bringing it up? What does HE get out of it.

Does he get to be the victim.
Does he get away with bad behaviour because you had an affair.
Does he get to make you out to be the bad guy.
Does he get sympathy.
Does him raising this end an argument?

Greenfinch7 · 29/08/2025 16:02

I am on the other end of this. The problem for me is that I still see things about my husband that made him a person who could lie to me and not take responsibility for his own behaviour. Therefore, 6 years later, I still fall into periods of very dark thoughts. Perhaps I should leave, but there are many reasons that I don't think that is the right thing for me or for our whole family.

It is not as simple as- get over it in a timely fashion or leave.

It is not as simple as I enjoy being a victim and taking the high moral ground.

Maybe that doesn't apply to the OP, but what does apply is that situations are complicated and the damage of an affair is something that an ongoing relationship has to grow around.

OP, do you see that overall things get better (with blips)? Can you imagine any action or process that would jolt things towards change?

Original poster

HesterLilly · 29/08/2025 16:34

@Greenfinch7 I'm sorry you've experienced this from the other side. I absolutely appreciate that my actions caused him trauma and deep hurt that leave scars.

Yes overall things have got better, very much so. Mainly because I've done a lot of work on myself and the insecurities and selfishness that led to the affair. He is less open to introspection and self examination.

The only thing that I can think of that could change things (apart from him embracing therapy) would be hearing about the death of my AP, unfortunately.

OP posts:

Wherehavealltheflowersgone1 · 29/08/2025 17:00

There are increasing amounts of research that suggests that affairs can cause trauma similar to PTSD. It is a horrific experience that can cause long term damage.
That said, unfair as it is, he needs to take responsibility for healing himself. You can only do so much op, and it sounds like you have done everything you can. He cannot continue to throw this at you, he needs help. He himself will be so much happier if he gets help to accept what happened and to deal with these intrusive thoughts. If he won’t help himself? I don’t think you can do anything other than separate.

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2025 17:04

I think you need to accept that he may not want to get past it. It has morphed into his joker, a card he can play whenever he feels like it to keep you in that place between shame and anxiety.

You can’t help him because deep down, he doesn’t want to get past it because as a stick to beat you with, become to useful.

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