How can I help DH with this

[HesterLilly]

Over 20 years ago I had a very short affair. DH and I worked it out (I thought at the time) and we stayed together and I think are very happy together now. But he is still struggling with it, brings it up in disagreements and at other times and recently has told me he has upsetting intrusive thoughts about it. I have tried to help him and have talked about everything he wants to talk about and he knows how sorry I am.

He will not go to therapy or anything like that. I think we should have gone at the time. What else can I do to help him? He has talked to ChatGPT which was some help, but you have to give it the right cues. I love him very much and feel so anxious and full of regrets.

What was the reason for having the affair? Quite often its the reason for the affair rather than actual affair that someone cant get over.

On the PTSD point I agree that infidelity and betrayal of trust is traumatic and produces PTSD or PTSD like symptoms (irritability, irrationality, dissociation, avoidance, depression, etc…). In fact in the Ur book on PTSD (Achilles in Vietnam) the betrayal of trust is the core injury, called “the moral wound” which transforms ordinary horror or pain into trauma.

However, that being said, he has to make an effort to heal and forgive or he is insisting on living in a terrible prison with you, and forcing you to live there with him. If it were any other wound, even amputation or loss of a parent, it would still be incumbent on him to figure out a way to live again with bis disability. You can’t fix it for him.

Many years ago my (now ex) DH had an affair whilst we were separated. When we got back together my DM very wisely said, 'If you take him back, then you need to take him back knowing that he has had an affair with another woman and you cannot throw this in his face with every argument, or there is no chance for your marriage'.
We ended up splitting permanently about three years after this, but she was right. Your DH accepted the fact that you'd had an affair and you decided to work on the marriage. He can't be throwing this at you 20 years later, it's bloody ridiculous.

I agree with pp who have said that I would leave over this. It is abusive. I would have one serious conversation with him where I told him I was not prepared to ever discuss this again and that if he wasn't over it 20 years down the line then we needed to end the marriage. He's been using this as a stick to beat you with for two decades now. It needs to stop.

Or he may not be able to.

Maybe it would be healthier for both of you to part company OP.

I’m reconciled after an affair (husbands) and I can categorically say it takes two to make the marriage work after and the effort had to be 110%. The cheat to rebuild trust and demonstrate they are a safe partner and the betrayed to reach some level of acceptance that it happened and commitment to put it behind them.

Your husband is not meeting his side of this deal.

I’d be reluctant to stay with someone who is using the past as a regular stick to beat me with after choosing to stay with me.

Your husband is not the problem here you are, how do you suggest he “gets over images of you naked and having sex with another man ? Obviously he is still pained by what you did, healing is not linear (sorry that’s on you) even though you’re now this “perfect wife who is safe snd remorseful bla bla bla” he doesn’t see it that way & you think he should because “time” has passed & YOU are sick of hearing/talking about it. Are you so sure you’ve changed & this is not just more selfishness on your part. Suck it up this is the monster you created and now your poor husband has to live with those images till the day he dies. He obviously doesn’t forgive you but is trying his best to live with it & get on with his life, knowing the “type” of person he is married to.

Nope. And I’ve experienced infidelity. It’s utterly brutal. But at some point, if you choose to stay, you have to do the work the heal yourself. It’s not fair, it’s not right. But it is what it is. No one else can heal you, frankly, least of all the person that hurt you. You have to do the work yourself. And if you don’t want to do that? And there is a very strong argument for, why should you, none of this was anything at all to do with you? But if you choose to stay, you do need to do that work. To accept that it happened, it was nothing to do with you and see if you can move on. If you can’t (which is beyond common and totally normal) then walk away. Don’t accept misery for yourself for the next 20 years.

20 years of pain he's suffered , my goodness that have been caused , yes he needs help going through this torture and bearing that pain for so very long , it would affect one badly . I hope he gets help ,he needs it badly