I’m looking for some advice on how you manage when you clearly don’t fit in to DH family. We’re in our 50s, married a few years, together 10. We have previous marriages and children from those. The first few years we naturally didn’t mix children as they were teens and didn’t want to introduce partners that might not exist in a few years. We thus didn’t mix much as families. By the time we became established only 2 children (1 each) at home and rest flown the nest. All children live very separate lives from other families - not blending due to ages but no animosity at all. We both met each other several years after first divorces and his ex wife already remarried - no issues there.
I have with less than a week’s notice been suddenly invited to my current DH’s mum’s 80th party. He said they forgot to invite us. I’m quite a go with the flow person and don’t really hold grudges but no I don’t believe him. His mum absolutely loved his ex wife and is still very close to her and her new husband. It feels therefore purposeful and there is quite a lot of backstory which I’ll put below so not to drip feed but in short I have calmly said my DH should go but I’ll be feigning illness. DH is laying massive guilt trips on me over it and won’t let up saying he wants my support. I’m not sure I can give it! A lot of his family are massive extroverts and just so different than me. It’s putting tension on the marriage though. I also think his ex wife will be be there though DH says she won’t I just don’t see how she wouldn’t be. I honestly just don’t need to spend 6 hours of my life biting my tongue and hating every second. It will be hell for me.
Now the back story…
Most of DH family are massive extroverts - his mum the most. Only one who wasn’t really was DH’s father (now dead) who DH is most like. But ex wife is an extrovert and as DH children have grown 3/4 are all extroverts. It’s a lot! Both me and DH are clearly more introvert.
In the past my DH mum has often totally monopolised any conversation which is fine by me, she likes to talk, problem is 50% has always been about ex wife. If we mention we went holiday to x, she’ll often reply remember that lovely holiday you had with ex wife in y. Then an anecdote follows about the wonders of ex wife. She would also ask me incredibly nosey questions about my previous divorce for example and is well known as the family gossip. DH says she’s just old. I calmly don’t agree and have been avoiding situations with her more and more. As she’s gotten older she’s gotten more and more extreme and it’s only getting worse.
To make matters even worse DH 2 daughters are now mid to late 20s. When we met they were just lovely bubbly young girls. Now they have faces full of filler and Botox and are dating millionaires. The animal loving daughter (I had most in common with - I also love animals) now goes fox hunting and shooting with her millionaire bf. The other daughter’s multi-millionaire bf has almost gangster style family. Both have instagram feeds full of exotic holidays and expensive restaurants and talk about nothing even remotely relatable to me. DH says they both seem happy and we can’t control our children - I totally agree! And I’m glad they’re happy and clearly found the lifestyles they wanted. But god it’s just a lot!
Yesterday I told my DH that tbh had I met his family right now I’d likely never have continued relationship as we’re just all so different. I said I find his family so stressful and can’t possibly do 6 hour party with them. He was very hurt by this, professing his love for me but also laying massive guilt trips to make me go the party. He also threw another guilt trip on me for not liking the fox hunting bf who he himself doesn’t even like or agree with.
I feel so overwhelmed by it all and sad that I clearly don’t fit in! It’s like trying to mix oil and water with me and his family. I was incredibly close to my first husband’s family, loved my ex’s mum, so it is sad to me that I have almost no relationship with new husband’s family beyond texts and Christmas. I cannot see me ever having a relationship with them. If that was acceptable to my DH it’d suit me fine though yes I’m a little sad about situation as remember such lovely times with previous in-laws. I do have relationship with younger 17 year old step son who lives with us 50% of time.
So I feel like I don’t want to go this party but also like I’ve kind of woken up in the wrong family. And the fact DH keeps guilting me is really becoming so hard. Yesterday I honestly felt like saying let’s call it a day. Which is a real shame as me and DH have a lot in common, both more introvert, he’s very kind and fair with money, housework etc. Me and him work. Me, him and his family don’t.