Don’t fit in with DH family - don’t want to go party

[TangoTurtle]

I’m looking for some advice on how you manage when you clearly don’t fit in to DH family. We’re in our 50s, married a few years, together 10. We have previous marriages and children from those. The first few years we naturally didn’t mix children as they were teens and didn’t want to introduce partners that might not exist in a few years. We thus didn’t mix much as families. By the time we became established only 2 children (1 each) at home and rest flown the nest. All children live very separate lives from other families - not blending due to ages but no animosity at all. We both met each other several years after first divorces and his ex wife already remarried - no issues there.

I have with less than a week’s notice been suddenly invited to my current DH’s mum’s 80th party. He said they forgot to invite us. I’m quite a go with the flow person and don’t really hold grudges but no I don’t believe him. His mum absolutely loved his ex wife and is still very close to her and her new husband. It feels therefore purposeful and there is quite a lot of backstory which I’ll put below so not to drip feed but in short I have calmly said my DH should go but I’ll be feigning illness. DH is laying massive guilt trips on me over it and won’t let up saying he wants my support. I’m not sure I can give it! A lot of his family are massive extroverts and just so different than me. It’s putting tension on the marriage though. I also think his ex wife will be be there though DH says she won’t I just don’t see how she wouldn’t be. I honestly just don’t need to spend 6 hours of my life biting my tongue and hating every second. It will be hell for me.

Now the back story…
Most of DH family are massive extroverts - his mum the most. Only one who wasn’t really was DH’s father (now dead) who DH is most like. But ex wife is an extrovert and as DH children have grown 3/4 are all extroverts. It’s a lot! Both me and DH are clearly more introvert.

In the past my DH mum has often totally monopolised any conversation which is fine by me, she likes to talk, problem is 50% has always been about ex wife. If we mention we went holiday to x, she’ll often reply remember that lovely holiday you had with ex wife in y. Then an anecdote follows about the wonders of ex wife. She would also ask me incredibly nosey questions about my previous divorce for example and is well known as the family gossip. DH says she’s just old. I calmly don’t agree and have been avoiding situations with her more and more. As she’s gotten older she’s gotten more and more extreme and it’s only getting worse.

To make matters even worse DH 2 daughters are now mid to late 20s. When we met they were just lovely bubbly young girls. Now they have faces full of filler and Botox and are dating millionaires. The animal loving daughter (I had most in common with - I also love animals) now goes fox hunting and shooting with her millionaire bf. The other daughter’s multi-millionaire bf has almost gangster style family. Both have instagram feeds full of exotic holidays and expensive restaurants and talk about nothing even remotely relatable to me. DH says they both seem happy and we can’t control our children - I totally agree! And I’m glad they’re happy and clearly found the lifestyles they wanted. But god it’s just a lot!

Yesterday I told my DH that tbh had I met his family right now I’d likely never have continued relationship as we’re just all so different. I said I find his family so stressful and can’t possibly do 6 hour party with them. He was very hurt by this, professing his love for me but also laying massive guilt trips to make me go the party. He also threw another guilt trip on me for not liking the fox hunting bf who he himself doesn’t even like or agree with.

I feel so overwhelmed by it all and sad that I clearly don’t fit in! It’s like trying to mix oil and water with me and his family. I was incredibly close to my first husband’s family, loved my ex’s mum, so it is sad to me that I have almost no relationship with new husband’s family beyond texts and Christmas. I cannot see me ever having a relationship with them. If that was acceptable to my DH it’d suit me fine though yes I’m a little sad about situation as remember such lovely times with previous in-laws. I do have relationship with younger 17 year old step son who lives with us 50% of time.

So I feel like I don’t want to go this party but also like I’ve kind of woken up in the wrong family. And the fact DH keeps guilting me is really becoming so hard. Yesterday I honestly felt like saying let’s call it a day. Which is a real shame as me and DH have a lot in common, both more introvert, he’s very kind and fair with money, housework etc. Me and him work. Me, him and his family don’t.

I think you sound judgemental and materialistic, what has his kids partners finances got to do with anything, and so what if they are extroverts. Now I get you’re jealous and insecure over his ex, and yes his elderly mother shouldn’t mention it, but. I would advise also looking at your own behaviour here, none of you are behaving well. And your judgey attititude seems to stem from insecurity and jealousy,

That was an extremely long op to say “I don’t like them and I don’t want to go”.

I think you should though. I would. I do in similar circumstances. Because that’s what you do for your partner sometimes.

By the way, there’s nothing wrong with being an extrovert. It’s not a moral failing.

Just for the sake of one party, just go to support your DH and spent time with your inlaws. Keep and open mind, go with the flow for one evening. You might even enjoy it if you allow yourself to break away from black and white thinking - extroverts/ introverts.

I'm going to agree with the others - it doesn't sound like they're being actively awful, just that you're different. We all have different family members, in our own families and in laws - you keep the peace for the sake of your other half.

To throw away a good marriage just because you can't go with the flow for a few hours? Surely you have to do that in daily life - work etc? Getting on with others different to us is just being human, isn't it?

Show your face for the sake of your husband but say with you only finding out the date of the party recently you also have another commitment that afternoon that you need to honour (hunt sab meeting) 😉 so you can leave when you’ve had enough. I’d say you need to put the effort in for your husband. That’s what marriage is about. Sounds like he’d do that for you. Don’t allow them
the drama of you not showing.

It sounds like you are suffering from inverted snobbery.

Rather than judge others on how they choose to live their lives, practice some self reflexivity and allow yourself to have experiences of all kinds of people. Maybe they have picked up on your negatively towards them, hence the late invite.

Just go; so many reasons.
At 80 there may not be many more birthdays.
Accepting that DH has manipulated / been afraid of talking to you about the invitation, you can’t change that now.
If you don’t go, how will he react? How will the DCs react? What about other family members - what will the fallout be? That’s obviously not the main aspect but it’s worth considering.

Personally I’d go. Be the bigger person. Then afterwards I’d have an honest conversation with DH about the relationship between you & with the family.

I'm very much of the opinion you marry the person, not the family. Obviously if you marry someone with kids they come as part of the package, I'm talking more about parents, siblings etc.

I absolutely don't fit in with my husband's family. They're completely over the top, I have nothing in common with any of them and frankly his mum made it clear she didn't approve of me from the start (basically too working class and not his ex)

I just let him go to family events by himself with our daughter and he accepts this is masses better than having everyone feeling strained for the sake of appearances. I've also pointed out I don't expect him to come with me when I go to my mums or to stay with my cousins, even though they do generally get on.

I’m another one who thinks you should suck it up I’m afraid. It’s 6 hours max but actually if it’s a house party you can come and go when you want. I’d find it incredibly hurtful
if, after 10 years together, my DH said had he known what my family was like he would have left me. I think you need to tread extremely carefully.

I'd go to support my husband. Is there a way you can go for less time?

This

Also perhaps the late request is because ex wife is not going suddenly ?

It's 1 party, she's 80 , there will be lots of others there - it would mean a lot to your DH who you love

Oh for God's sake, just go, you hardly ever see them and you'll get some stories out of it. All of us have to go to parties we don't want to at times (for all mumsnet says it's an invitation not a summons) - there are some things that you just go to and your MIL's 80th is one of them. Smile and nod and do a French exit when they all get pissed and loud.

I would suck it up and go to the party, it’s a milestone birthday and there may not be too many more if she’s 80. It’s not too hard to smile, nod and make polite conversation and it’s important to your DH. Given they are all extroverts you probably won’t even have to try too hard to make conversation.

You’re thinking far too deeply into this. You haven’t been invited to go on a two week holiday with them where you’ll all be sharing a villa and with each other 24.7, it’s a party and there will be lots going on and lots of people to mingle with.

Go, put a smile on your face, make the small talk and pleasantries and then leave.

If you don’t go you’ll just been seen as the sour puss wife who doesn’t want to bother with his family.

Wise words . Op I think you justify it in your head not going by listing all the things you can think of but that’s overkill. The only rude thing is the mentioning of the ex wife a lot, could be malicious could be just how she reminisces. Even the six hour thing smacks of exaggeration for maximum impact. We all do this to justify not doing something. But the mum isn’t going to spend the whole of the party talking to you about the ex wife, nor are the kids going to spend all of the party talking about Botox and holidays and killing animals. How many are going?

the introvert extrovert thing in your post is a bit grating, it always comes across as introvert being the correct way and I’m not sure it is. And I would say I tend more towards introversion.

I can understand why your marriage is under strain. The way you talk about his children alone , the judgementalness, the rejection, is shameful and would put a strain on most marriages, assuming the parent of those children was a decent person. He’s right, all that matters is they are happy, your judgement is unacceptable, and it does sound like inverted snobbery as a pp said, your focus on how much money their partners have,

as said, I get this all comes from insecurity and jealousy, you put others down to make yourself feel better, but I really think you need to do some self reflection and try to work on your issues, as you’re either going to cause a huge divide, which is what I think you want, or you will end up divorced.

You’re old enough to decide who you want to spend your time with.

If you’d like to have any sort of relationship with them in the future - go for a couple of hours and then leave for a ‘prior engagement’ (they sent a late invite so can’t justifiably moan).

If you don’t particularly want to, then stay home.

OP, I agree with others that you should go both to support your DH, and because it’s a fairly normal family thing do, to show up to your MIL’s 80th birthday party, which is a big deal for her and the rest of the family. So what if she liked the ex-wife better - if she was the mother of your DH’s children, that would be one reason. I know when I got divorced, my ex-MIL liked me better than the replacement, and my new MIL never stopped talking about how wonderful BIL’s wife was (to the point that she became referred to as “the goddess SIL”). But you just go with it - you’re married to your DH, not his family, but we all have to do “family” stuff from time to time, even if we’d rather not. It really isn’t worth upsetting your DH over - it’s one party, and if you don’t go, you’re really giving them a stick to beat you with, as well as upsetting your DH.

Gently, @TangoTurtle - I don’t think you are as nice as you think you are…

And you should attend the party. It’s the right thing to do and if you don’t you may regret it.

Don't go OP. Sounds miserable and you'll hate it anyway.

DH was U to have lied to you that he didn’t know about the party. It’s implausible that he didn’t know. MIL U not to invite you sooner and directly.

You’re U if you don’t attend. You don’t have to see your in laws often, and it’s one day.

You’re also U for your judgemental comments about your H’s adult DC.

Your chip on your shoulder about introversion / extroversion has nothing to do with this. You seem to dislike your in laws and H’s DC.

I agree

You sound very judgemental. I'm not sure if that's coming from a place of jealousy?
You're sad you're not closer to them but have nothing nice to say about them and aren't willing to go to a special event where you could build the relationships.
You're not happy that his mum is close to his ex but you talk about how amazing your ex's family are and how bad this family is.
It's a bit all over the place and contradictory.
You say you're an introvert soo many times! I'm an introvert, I've struggled with confidence in the past feeling boring compared to extroverts. Could that be going on here?
I think you need to go to the party for your DH, it's a special occasion and we have to suck it up for partners and families sometimes. You also need to really reflect on yourself and what's really going on here.

I would hate this too. But I’d absolutely suck it up and go. Why? Because it’s worth it to support my DH and, more importantly, I would not give them the ammunition of holding my non-attendance against me.

I’d go, plaster a smile, ignore the ex wife if she’s there, and make small talk with enough people that I don’t come into contact with MIL and daughters beyond an intial ‘hello happy birthday what a lovely party and doesn’t the house look fabulous’.

I agree with all other posters that you should go. You are going with your DP. Surely you grab a drink, make small talk for a while then retire to a corner somewhere. Go to the loo a lot if you need to.

your partner has said he’d like you there and you should go.

his family sound ok to me by the way, you sound very judgemental of them, with a lot of focus on how his daughters look etc