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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Remember my thread about my mother and her expecting me to call her EVERY day and let her know my whereabouts?

30 replies

DrNortherner · 31/05/2008 09:39

Well, I decided to play it cool and not call her every day and tell her what I am doing/where I am going.

I have not spoken to her for the past 3 nights cause weds was race for life, thurs was dinner with girls from work and last night was drinks in town and sex in the city at cinema. Whilts I was in the pub last night she called my mobile cause she was worried she hadn't heard from me.

I called her back this morning for her to talk about herself, and to pass comments about my social life. She asked what I had been up to, when I told her she said 'poor ds' What because I had been out 3 nights in a row and left ds with his Dad?!

I got angry at this so then she said 'I was only joking'

Then she said I really wanted to talk to you on Weds because I was really upset (about something totally unimportant) It is to make me feel guilty that I am not calling her every fucking day.

Then as the conversation ended she said in a sarcastic tone 'Well it's lovley to speak to my daughter every now and again'

Aaaaargh.

Don't even know what advice you can give - just venting really.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 31/05/2008 09:41

My partner used to call his mother every day (on pain of huge sulk on her part). He has very gradually weaned her down to Mondays and Fridays as a regular feature, and other days only if there is a specific urgent topic.

Can you try cutting down more gradually?

Agree that it must be done.

CarGirl · 31/05/2008 09:44

perhaps every other day for a month or so and then every third day?

Freckle · 31/05/2008 09:49

Can you text instead of calling? Or send an email? You could intersperse the voice calls with this and your mum wouldn't feel she was being ignored but you wouldn't actually have to speak to her every day.

Original poster
DrNortherner · 31/05/2008 11:09

She has no mobile phone - technophobe.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 31/05/2008 11:10

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 31/05/2008 11:13

Message withdrawn

Original poster
DrNortherner · 31/05/2008 11:15

She's peed me of today though Cod.

Am remenstrual and rather hormonal srangely enough. (normally don't get like this)

Blubbed at sex in the city film last night like an idiot.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 31/05/2008 11:16

Message withdrawn

saltire · 31/05/2008 11:19

Yes, my mother does this. She isn't qutie so bad since she looks after my neice 1 day a week,a dn often takes her out for walks on other days. Some weeks though it can be every day.
She would ring and say "I tried calling but there was no answer", and if I said I was out, she asked, where, who with, was DH with me where were the DSes etc etc.
Some conversations would be "How are you"
"I'm good thanks"
"How are the DSes"
"They are fine as well"
"How's DH"
"He's fine, he's at work"
then the classic
"How are the dogs".Then she would say bye, except bye with my mother can take 10 minutes.
Sometimes she would call at 11am and say "the house is quiet, what have you done with the DSes" and I would say "well it's Wednesday so they are at school"

can you tell I needed to get that off my chest?

Original poster
DrNortherner · 31/05/2008 11:19

Anyway, went to Matalan yesterday and got some fabbo holiday attire. Including a lovley dress for £10!

OP posts:
Original poster
DrNortherner · 31/05/2008 11:21

Oh God saltire that's what mine is like! She always asks what we've had for tea, where ds is and where dh is. Then she'll ask :

'Did you tell dh about and what does he think?'

No I bloody didn't cause he is NOT INTERESTED.

If I ever get cross with her she crys and makes me feel guilty. 'It's only because I love you' etc etc.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 31/05/2008 11:22

Message withdrawn

Original poster
DrNortherner · 31/05/2008 11:24

Ah but Cod I always know it's her o the phone cause she rings at the same time. If it clicks onto answerphone she alwats hangs up after the beep without leaving a message. Then she'll call again, and again and again...when I answer she immediatley says 'Where have you been, I've called 956 times. I've been worried'

OP posts:
saltire · 31/05/2008 11:26

Dr N - I get the "it's only because I love you/you're so far away/you're my only daughter etc guilt trips as well.
She is also very overpowering and suffocating in her affection. She can't just say bye, oh no, every chat ends with
"Love you lots and lots, and I love DS1 lots and lots, go and tell him... tell him so i can hear you. Ok and I love DS2 lots and lotstoo, go and tell him and tell DH I love him too"
if we are going up to scotland - a 7 hour drive, then she will phone the day before and ask to speak to DH, and tell him to be really careful at driving because I am in teh car and I'm precious .
Obviously him and the DSes aren't
Does my Feckin head in, but if I say anything, well I'm the bad daughter!

saltire · 31/05/2008 11:28

Yes,and mine will keep calling until she gets an answer. Some weeks are worse than others. of course now that Step dad has a mobile, well she can get him to induate me with text messages wanting to know where I am

merryberry · 31/05/2008 11:47

drN saying 'Then as the conversation ended she said in a sarcastic tone 'Well it's lovley to speak to my daughter every now and again'' is passive aggresive. tell her to go read up on the damage that does to adult relationships, then you'll talk to her!

Blandmum · 31/05/2008 12:13

My mother was exactly like this.

She would expect a phone call, initially every other day, then it became every day and after my father died it escalated to twice a day.

And all she would do was moan and groan, it just sucked all the joy out of life, the other thing that she used to do was to ask me, 'Did you go to work today?' as if work was some sort of optional frivolous extra.

When dd was 6 weeks old I drove for 10 hours to see her and my dad (and I'd had a c section so it was fairly hellish). When a neighbour mentioned how good it was of me to drive that far with a young baby post surgery my mother said 'Well, this is the first time we have seen the baby and she is 6 weeks old already' IE she was having a go at me for not visiting earlier

Well yes, Mum, most normal grandmothers would have traveled to see the baby, not expect a visit.

RustyBear · 31/05/2008 12:17

I wish my mum could ring me every day....

posieflump · 31/05/2008 12:17

My mil is like this.
My dh used to ta;l to her at least every other day
When we got married I pointed it is was really odd
Whne the kids came along she started to call more in the day as she knew I would be there
I started ignoring the phone or keeping it very brief - either saying I was just on my way out, or using monosyllabic answers
Eventually she got the hint and now dh calls her once a week

Seabright · 31/05/2008 16:14

Sometimes I just unplug my phone when I can't stand the thought of someone ringing me. It's lovely.

After a few hours guilt gets the better of me and I plug it back in though.

I think it's partly because I spend a lot of my time at work (in a job I really dislike) having to talk to people on the phone, so the thought of more talking on the phone when I get in/early Sunday mornings/etc just does my head in.

I think caller display is wonderful - and free too!

Twiglett · 31/05/2008 16:17

isn't this what mothers say though?

sounds standard fare to me

you are doing the right thing

when you finish your next call (say it's on a Monday) say well I'll call you on Friday

LittleBella · 31/05/2008 16:43

I'm astonished that people say speaking to your mother every other day is wierd.

Why is it wierd?

Surely it depends on what kind of relationship you have with your mother? What's wrong with speaking to her every day? If you get on with her, I mean? (Obviously not if you don't)

cyteen · 31/05/2008 16:58

Oh god how do you all put up with it? I love my family but if I had to speak to them more than once a fortnight I would go insane.

cyteen · 31/05/2008 16:59

In fact, if I had to speak to anyone (other than best friend and DP) more than once a fortnight I would go insane.

Elasticwoman · 03/06/2008 22:54

I used to get really fed up and snappy with my mum about 20 years ago when she pissed me off by being critical and demanding. But these days she is so much more reasonable. Partly because she has mellowed and partly because I don't tell her what I don't want her to know.

But she has never been the sort of mother who expects attention every day which I think would drive me crazy. She has never ever burst into tears in my presence. Even when her own mother died she ran upstairs to do it.

She makes it clear that she feels my duty lies far more with my children and dh than it does with her.