Im not doing very well since separation

[Mumof2studentnurse]

I’m not doing very well. I’ve become better at pretending I’m okay, but the truth is, Im really not. My husband left me in April after having an affair with someone we both work with. People keep telling me I’m better off without him and that I should focus on the kids, but my heart is shattered. I’m devastated. I still cry multiple times a day, and sometimes it feels like this overwhelming sadness will never go away.
To make things worse, they post pictures on social media and he looks so happy. His profile pictures were of me and him, for 15 years, and now its of him and her and it breaks my heart. We were together for 15 years. He hasn’t paid any child maintenance, which I’m currently trying to get through the proper channels. He seems to have money to take his girlfriend out, but not to provide for his own children. After months of saying he would put the house on the market, he suddenly said he’s keeping it, I assume to move his convicted criminal girlfriend in. I’m going through solicitors to try and get my share of the equity, but I’ve just learned he hasn’t even sent the vouching the solicitors requested months ago. Who knows how long he will stall this for?
I know I shouldn’t want someone who wasn’t very kind to me and who fed my insecurities, but I’m struggling to see how I can move forward while he lives carefreely like a 20-year-old, and I carry the weight of every responsibility, the kids, the pets, finances, and keeping everyone safe and happy. I did manage to move into a nice home, so at least the children have stability there, but I feel low all the time and I’m unsure how to come back from this.
I have a couple of close friends, and I know they haven’t told me they’re tired of listening, but I feel guilty for crying down the phone every other day. I suppose what I’m looking for is advice or maybe to hear stories of people who have been through something similar and come out the other side.
I wasn’t perfect in my marriage. Two days before he left, I took a photo of myself. I was 21st 9lbs, exhausted, lacking confidence, unattractive, and working seven days a week to pay off debts so we could build a better future for our kids. Since then, I’ve lost over six stone, almost seven, but I still have more to go. And I can’t stop wondering if, I had I taken better care of myself, maybe he wouldn’t have left me. He never once spoke to me about being unhappy or taking better care of myself. He knew I was unhappy with myself, but I loved him so much. I'm really struggling to let go of him and the future i believed we had.

You are doing amazingly well. Keep going and well done on weight loss (your own and the dead weight that is now somebody else’s problem). Hopefully, CMS will sort money out soon. You’ve got this. xx

Thanks @Applepe I appreciate your message x

I have brought up my now 16 and 18 year old by myself after their dad left. I could not be prouder of them. We are so close. They see their dad sporadically but think he is a bit of a prat. I’ve been there for them through everything and they know that and can see it. Also I am the one that did all the hard work, yes but I am also the one who had the privilege of seeing every step of their journey. The eldest has moved out but we are still going on holiday in Feb.

Their dad left for a younger woman. She is long gone.
You are the winner as you are left with the children. Yes it’s harder but it’s more rewarding. Forget trips with his gf/ bf and have a google of somewhere fun you can take the kids. Doesn’t have to be expensive. Family member you could go and visit? Or somewhere you would like to go. Book a cheap travel lodge. We have so many fun memories. Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go so try and just forget what he is doing with the new gf.
Keep up the being healthy. Good luck.

Most people would advise here you need to get and find a good man.

Not me.

My advice would be go out and find a good tough woman! Not in a sexualised way but a woman who’s been through this and doesn’t give a f**k !
Spend time with this woman and you’ll soon realise some of here extreme “sayings and doings” are actually correct!

Hope you find that lady to look up too x

Good luck PM me for support anytime ! Xx

Thank you @Daisy12Maisie this girl is 10 years younger than him, 13 years younger than me. I know I am so lucky that I get to see my kids grow and I get to be part of the conversations they have. I feel like im part of the inner circle when I am with them (they are 9 and 7) but I also feel very lonely - all the time.

I have booked a night away in another city in December with the kids. I wanted to do something nice and try and make sure the have a really nice Christmas.

Thank you for your message and your advice and just for being so kind. Im sobbing replying. Today has been a pretty hard day. x

Try being angrier with him? He doesn't pay for the children? He's a terrible person.
You could write down all the crappy things he's done to you and look at it when you feel you miss him.
You will start tto feel better it takes time.
Can anyone babysit so you can go out or have time for you?
Horrible for you and sorry hope you.start to get your mojo back.

You won't see this now, but in a year or two you will realise your life is immeasurably better without him.

He's a weak, selfish person who has been thinking with his dick and dumped his kids and his wife.

He might have the house, but you will be so close with your children. He will regret that one day.

@Tigercrane my friends keep telling me to get angry. But i am just really sad. I know I should be angry and if someone was telling me this story about a dad refusing to financially contribute to his kids while spending money on a girlfriend, I know the advice I would be giving. I think i am struggling so much with it all because I was blindsided. I really thought I would spend the rest of my life with him and in all of those years, I would never, ever have imagined he would be the sort of person who wouldn't financially support his children. I never dreamed he could be such a cold and selfish person. I don't miss this version of him. Im grieving the version of him that I probably created in my own head over the years :(

Im not sure how to survive him introducing my kids to her - which will happen if she does move in and I suspect she will soon because I know he can't afford that house on his own.

I couldn't face going anywhere just now - I am hoping in a new months I will feel a bit better and maybe try to find some sort of personal life for myself. Thank you fo much for your advice x

Thank you so much @CanOfMangoTango

I really hope you are right and people keep saying similar. Im almost 40 and I sometimes feel like im going to live the rest of my life alone. Im not looking for a new husband - im not looking for a boyfriend and to be honest, the thought exhausts me. I'm just scared that I will never be loved by anyone again.

I'm trying to focus on my kids, on my weight, on my health (mental and physical) but there are days like today that make be believe that I will never be ok again x

Just keep going you'll get there.It's a horrible time but ex and the affair partner sound nasty.She knew you, so she knew you had children.He doesn't pay for the kids, deadbeat man.
Chin up you shoukd geel proud how you've kept going and are holding it all together.Still early days one day you won't give a damm about him anymore, I promise.

Sorry for all the typing errors !

I agree with the idea of not getting into a relationship yourself now, however lonely you feel, it's time to focus on you and your children.
He is the fool because he is prioritising a relationship that may well end at some point while you are prioritising your relationship with your children which will last for the rest of your life.

As your children get older they will appreciate all that you do for them & will understand that he has met them down. You won't have to (and shouldn't but i'm sure you don't) to say anything bad about him because they will work it out for themselves.

Don't look at any more social media posts, that will just make you feel worse.
You are in the eye of the storm now, it lasts longer than you think, but you are making your way through it and you will come out of the other side a stronger person.

Be your own best friend. Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, cry if you need to but also treat yourself to small luxuries when you can.

You will get through this. Your life will be different to the life you expected but you are definitely better off now than being with someone who took your love and trust and betrayed you.
You will be ok xxx

'Be your own best friend' is one of the nicest ideas i have ever heard. Thankyou @cloudtreecarpet. I pretend to my kids that me and their dad are good friends. I never wanted them to feel like they had to pick sides. They love him so much - things took a pretty bad turn last week. I share photos of the kids and stories about their week with him. Even though he done this, i never wanted him to feel like he was losing the kids, I wanted him to feel like a part of their daily lives. But then his girlfriend was showing the photos I had sent to him to people I work with - she had printed them off after he sent them to her. I have no idea why he is sending her pictures taken at my house, of my kids, that I sent to him...but thats what he done and then she was showing them to people. I phoned him and yelled at him (maybe I could have handled it more calmly, but In the moment I was so angry and upset) - that was over a week ago and he hasnt been in touch, hasnt asked about the kids or asked to see them - nothing. x

Oh OP, you are hurting and grieving. Be kind to yourself. It takes time to get through such a betrayal and loss and come out the other side. It will probably get worse before it gets better tbh, especially as you have battles ahead (finances, property, contact).

But...little by little you are growing stronger, building your new life and working on yourself. Take pride in how much you have achieved already. It sounds to me like you are doing amazingly. In moments where it doesn't feel like it, and you start to get harsh on yourself and do negative self-talk, it's good to reflect on your progress, your coping skills and focus on positives. Writing a gratitude journal when you feel low is a great idea.

And KOKO. Each day is a day nearer to this all being resolved. A day further away from the hurt and closer to healing.

Your kids are lucky to have you as their rock, putting them first and taking care of their needs. Sometimes you have to be both mum and dad when their father is a feckless shit. Trust me, they will thank you when they are older.

Have a wallow every now and then, and a good cry. Then chin up lass. Focus on the future. You've got this.

Thank you so much for your very kind words @FattyMcFattyArse - I appreciate them x

I had this and more but honestly this will pass.
I was so angry I had been left with all the cost and responsibility of two children while he had all the money and a happy life.
Fast forward 10 years and I know i am the lucky one as i had all that time with the children.
My advise is to focus on yourself and what you want and the children. Everything you want to say just say to the wall and one day the feeling to scream at them just isnt there any more.
I was left with nothing - not even a roof over our head he never paid maintenance all the deadbeat dad stuff really but you do get through it. And you'll be so glad you dont have to deal with him.

Thanks so much @juliette2010 and I am really sorry you had to go through that. I really hope things worked out so well for you x

That does sound lovely about the night away in December.
I do understand that it is really lonely. Im sure that you are really busy but try and build up your female friendship network as well. Even if that just involves chatting via texts. It will get easier.

You're already doing so well.

As previous posters have said, you can't see it now but you are so much better without that absolute waste of skin. You might even get to a point where you feel sorry for his gf for having to put up with his bullshit.

Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. You are fabulous 👑✨️

Oh OP, i can feel your sadness 😔
You're doing so well, keep up the amazing work on your weightloss, I know how bloody hard it is. It's only been a few months, be easy on yourself.
You sound so lovely and he sounds like an utter shit.
Think about your situation for about 5 mins then force them thoughts out. When you think about him, stop it and distract yourself. Over time it should get easier.
I wish you nothing but happiness x

It’s been a very short time. Can you get counseling? I think this is essential. Block everything on social media. You will get there but it will take time 💕

They sound vile. You're doing incredibly well, you've been so strong. One day you'll wake up and it just won't be a thing that upsets you anymore- you must know in your mind you're better than him but on that day you'll really KNOW it. Just keep going.

Op - scientists have shown that heartbreak is a real genuine illness, it can be seen on heart monitors to actually change the heart and brain.

What you have been through - the betrayal, heartbreak, huge huge grief at how he has treated you - is massively traumatic.

It will take time but you will recover. I am 48 - and over the past 10 years Id say - I've seen this happen to a couple of good friends. I watched them go from so so broken - completely devasated, struggling through their days, almost thinking they couldn't go on - to becoming new happy people.

None of the people who I saw go through this believed they would recover - but they did.

They were the women who stuck with the kids - the men of course did exactly what your H has done - shacked up with stupid younger women.

I promise you - that in time you will look back and be so glad you are not with him - you will find new friends, new experiences.

I know how hard it is to find time when you are a single mum but I would really try to carve out time to maybe start a new hobby or get out once a week with friends. join a choir? some sort of something! that is just for you.

even coffee with a good friend - take a deep breath and try to make space where you don't talk about him. It's fine to lean on friends but good for you also to have a break from the hurt.

ooh and you know what - I remember a woman I worked with had a similar experience to you - where the new girlfriend was showing off the kids as if they were hers to show off - and she said 'I don't care, it's embarrasing for her - like showing off somebody elses olympic gold medal'

take a deep breath and think god how absolutely pathetic she is showing the kids off of a new man who has left his wife - as if its something for her to be proud of. they are your amazing kids! last laugh is on her.

This ^
I can tell you now, you WILL get through this.

Many of us have had to go through similar heartbreak and desertion and have come out stronger. You are doing everything right. Keep on keeping on especially with the weight loss if only for your health and self image. Dont give up the exercising and dieting. You will emerge like a butterfly, even more beautiful.

The wisdom is, go totally no contact with him apart from a dedicated email address you use for co-parenting arrangements. NO Facebook or social media channels, no texting him, no going where he goes to accidentally bump into him. Cut him out. He no longer deserves to know what you’re doing.

Dry your tears, focus on you and the children and I guarantee if you remain dignified in a year’s time you will feel better, stronger and more peaceful. This I know. 😉💐