Im not doing very well since separation

[Mumof2studentnurse]

I’m not doing very well. I’ve become better at pretending I’m okay, but the truth is, Im really not. My husband left me in April after having an affair with someone we both work with. People keep telling me I’m better off without him and that I should focus on the kids, but my heart is shattered. I’m devastated. I still cry multiple times a day, and sometimes it feels like this overwhelming sadness will never go away.
To make things worse, they post pictures on social media and he looks so happy. His profile pictures were of me and him, for 15 years, and now its of him and her and it breaks my heart. We were together for 15 years. He hasn’t paid any child maintenance, which I’m currently trying to get through the proper channels. He seems to have money to take his girlfriend out, but not to provide for his own children. After months of saying he would put the house on the market, he suddenly said he’s keeping it, I assume to move his convicted criminal girlfriend in. I’m going through solicitors to try and get my share of the equity, but I’ve just learned he hasn’t even sent the vouching the solicitors requested months ago. Who knows how long he will stall this for?
I know I shouldn’t want someone who wasn’t very kind to me and who fed my insecurities, but I’m struggling to see how I can move forward while he lives carefreely like a 20-year-old, and I carry the weight of every responsibility, the kids, the pets, finances, and keeping everyone safe and happy. I did manage to move into a nice home, so at least the children have stability there, but I feel low all the time and I’m unsure how to come back from this.
I have a couple of close friends, and I know they haven’t told me they’re tired of listening, but I feel guilty for crying down the phone every other day. I suppose what I’m looking for is advice or maybe to hear stories of people who have been through something similar and come out the other side.
I wasn’t perfect in my marriage. Two days before he left, I took a photo of myself. I was 21st 9lbs, exhausted, lacking confidence, unattractive, and working seven days a week to pay off debts so we could build a better future for our kids. Since then, I’ve lost over six stone, almost seven, but I still have more to go. And I can’t stop wondering if, I had I taken better care of myself, maybe he wouldn’t have left me. He never once spoke to me about being unhappy or taking better care of myself. He knew I was unhappy with myself, but I loved him so much. I'm really struggling to let go of him and the future i believed we had.

I torture myself thinking about them @Diarygirlqueen and I know that all im doing is hurting myself. I don't know why I let it consume me so much. I hope one day I can be stronger and not feel like this anymore. I feel so pathetic saying this, but for all these months, I really hoped he would come back and tell me that he had lost his mind and should never have left. I see now, that he has moved on and wont be coming back x

@Bufftailed I think i should probably get some support. I've been signed off work for months and they are about to sack me unless I return. I have 2 jobs. I have been able to return to one of them - but I have not been able to return back to the job where she and he work. I worked there for 20 years and im going to leave in a way that I never imagined. I've been signed off until October and then I will need to leave, because I honestly think it will kill me if I step one foot in that building. x

Thank you so much @waterrat your words are really kind and I really hope that i can be like some of the women you know, and can get up and get on with my life. The things you described are exactly how I feel. I'm physically sick quite often. I sometimes really struggle to even get out of bed. Nights are hard. I cry alot at night and then i cry alot in the morning when i wake up to reality. I try and hide all of this from the kids and i've told them I have really bad hayfever, that helps explain away my red face and eyes. I will be re-reading these posts. Thankyou x

Hi,

Im 9 stone and a size 10 and my husband still
left me for someone at work (his soulmate). Hope that helps 😂

It’s not what you look like. You didn’t deserve the unkindness and you don’t deserve seeing him and her. Like many other women who have trodden your path I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Im two years down the line and it is so much easier although good and bad days.

You are worthy and loved. Set yourself a timeframe to be sad. But don’t let him take your life ok? And don’t hinge your happiness on him failing. You are responsible for your own happiness and future so go grab it.

Good luck xx

Thank you @PashaMinaMio I moved a 45min drive away because I never wanted to bump into them at a shop, or drive past them on my way to work. I stay away from social media but today when my friend started talking about a photo of them - i instantly went to look. I knew it would hurt like hell, I just couldn't stop myself. I need to learn never to do that again. My friend was apologetic, but i just dont think she quite understands how much I really loved this man.

I will really try to focus on my self and try to get the images and thoughts of them out of my head. I've never felt anything like this before. Maybe this time next year I will be in a happier place. x

Thank you so much for saying those things @BrownBirdsFly - I've blamed myself so much for not taking better care of myself but It was only because I was trying my best to look after everyone else. I carry regret and guilt with me about being the reason he left. A few months ago he was emailing me telling me how wonderful his girfriend is and he called me a fat, lazy mum and said thats why he wanted to leave me. A few weeks ago he then emailed saying what an amazing mum I am and how he could never say otherwise, telling me I will always have a special place in his heart - he just wants to cause me pain.

I am really sorry that happened to you. I really hope you are happier now. You are right, i keep telling myself that his unhappiness wont make my life better. So i dont know why i let his happiness cripple me like this x

OP, you are dealing with a cocktail of emotions and you have every right to be upset, sad and angry. You are grieving and lonely but please remember that the future comes one day at a time or even every hour at a time.
You should be very proud of your amazing weight loss and please don't torture yourself with the what ifs or I could /should have done better /differently. That applies to us all.
Be kind to yourself and cry as much as you want to (obviously curtailed with children present).
Moment by moment, have a glass of wine or a bubble bath, simple but important treats on your journey.
Sending you strength

You are amazing OP. Believe it

Thank you for your kindness @Praying4Peace x

OP I went though similar. You need to exit the workplace. It destroyed me seeing the OW. Start planning now. You def need counselling. You’ll get through this

Today you make a plan. No more burying your head. You sort that awful job. I agree that would be terrible to go back to and I don’t think you have the strength right now. I know some people might argue you shouldn’t let them leave your job etc - but you must maintain your mental health and peace.

Find a book and a podcast that validates how you feel (I like the not as we planned podcast). It’s free and will make you feel less alone.

Allow time to cry and accept this healing won’t be linear but you move forward an inch each time and celebrate the small wins.

It’s human nature to check photos etc but each time it affects your healing so try not to.

Speak to a health professional if you need.

You are not alone OP.

@Bufftailed I didnt really want to admit this before, because i know how it makes me look but 9 years ago, he had another affair, again with someone i worked with. It started when i was pregnant and went on once my baby was born. Having to return to work and seeing her - and her friends, along with knowing that everyone was talking about me was absolutely horrific. My 2nd baby was unplanned, but she saved me, being pregnant with her made me work hard to get well because I worried so much that she would feel my feelings. I wanted to be happy and healthy for her (and of course for my son who was just a little baby himself) but she was in my body - i couldnt bare her to feel anything I was feeling. It also meant that I had my maternity leave to heal.

So you are right - I do need to leave, because this time, he didnt beg and tell me how sorry he was and how he would never hurt me again - this time, he left me for her without a second of guilt. So if I return - im returning on my own and my mental health cant take that x

Thank you @BrownBirdsFly I really appreciate your words and advice x

It's not your fault he left. It's all his. It was my choice to divorce but it's hard to see him with someone new, forcing her onto our kids, no housing or money worries and living the life as a non parent. In terms of him I'm okay, glad to be gone, but struggling with doing up a house and I couldn't think how to buy food today.

He’s a cunt and I’m sorry OP. My husband also had an affair and left me last year. I have no wise words but just want you to know you’re not alone ❤️

Im so sorry @TheHillIsMine Thats quite smilar to how I feel. He will move her in, be back to a 2 income household, and i will be struggling for many years until I am able to find opportunities for any sort of promotion - I work for the NHS so the money isnt great and being able to commit to a role that works with 2 young children is really challenging too. I am dreadfully sorry to hear that you were dealing with this today - I really wish you well and so much happiness in your future x

That first line made me smile @YetiRosetti - thank you x

I really hope you are ok and I hope life is good for you now x

Please DM if you need. Best of luck OP. None of us are special or more resilient than you. You didn’t choose this but you will come out of this stronger. Happier. I promise

OP keep investing in yourself if you can. Often women put on weight and “let themselves go” because their husband is a bit of a shit and they are comfort eating, or are worn out cos he’s not pulling his weight. You nine times out of ten see such women have a massive glow up when they split up.

He didn’t leave you because of your weight, he left you cos he’s a cheating prick who has his ego flattered mid life by a younger woman.

keep being strong and one step at a time OP.

Thank you @Mumlaplomb - Your words mean so much x

💖 April until now is just a blink of the eye. No wonder you still hurt and feel sad - that’s completely normal. You’ll find anger when you need to, but you sound like a very classy and fair person. That photo incident would give me a blind rage, and I’ve had incidents (not many) where I’ve rung ex and told him in no uncertain terms what I thought - but for over a year I was a beaten down shell with no confidence, as the foundations of my future had gone. I’m certain your great attitude and a new job and some inner peace will give you even more grace and strength. Every power to you, you’re fabulous.

@SallyDraperGetInHere - Im so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are doing so well now :). Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a kind message. It means a lot to me x

The fact he had an affair previously, and when you were pregnant (disgusting), reflects only on him and not on you. He's an absolute arsehole. My husband had an affair which I forgave when our children were tiny. I was desperate to keep my family together, but in the end he left anyway a few years later. I wish I'd kicked him out when I found out he'd been unfaithful, but I didn't have the strength at the time with two tiny kids. I no longer beat myself up about it though, I did what I thought best under the circumstances, just as you did. It's probably taken me 3 years post separation to feel optimistic about the future, and what's happened still stings. It's a huge thing when someone you loved and relied on, and thought you could trust lets you down so appallingly. I really lost myself for a while, I was broken. But now I see what an utter prick he was and continues to be and I'm worth so much more than that. Hang in there, things will get so much better and I wish you and your children all the best.

Thank you so much @Ichbinberliner Im so sorry you had to go through that. I think my confidence and self-worth vanished over the years. I need to get that all back and I know that will take a long time. I wish there was a deadline...in X amount of months you will feel better. But i am realising that everyone is different and sometimes It takes people much longer to become full, happy people again. I really hope things are much better for you now. Thank you for sharing your experience, I appreciate it x

Thank you @Mumof2studentnurse . Things are much better now but it's taken what feels like a long time. There are so many difficult things to come to terms with emotionally, and there's the way life is upended, such as moving house, the children shuttling between 2 houses etc. It's a lot so there's no wonder it can take a long time to come to terms with. Counselling helped me to see that and that it wasn't weird to be struggling with it. You sound very clear sighted about it and in the longer term you absolutely will be that full happy person again x