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Original poster

Help! DD dumped out of the blue. No reason given

48 replies

FedererFanMum · 28/08/2025 07:13

I’m trying to support my DD (26) who has been dumped the day after her holiday with her BF (26). There was no fight. He did it by phone. A week before he told her she was the one. No reason given other than “I’ve been thinking about this for a while” and “our incompatibilities” that he wouldn’t be pressed on. So she is utterly distraught and bewildered. She wants to message him or see him to try to get to the why. I don’t think this is a good idea but I am looking for advice. I obviously think there’s no way back from this and have said as much but don’t want to be too brutal with her as she’s in such a state.

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 28/08/2025 07:22

I think she needs to read Let Them by Mel Robbins. She is very good on relationships. Your DD shouldn’t contact him. He has realised that the relationship doesn’t work for him and better now than later down the line. In all honesty, he has probably already met someone else. This is hard for your DD but she will find someone else and have a happy life.

Original poster
FedererFanMum · 28/08/2025 07:26

Rocknrollstar · 28/08/2025 07:22

I think she needs to read Let Them by Mel Robbins. She is very good on relationships. Your DD shouldn’t contact him. He has realised that the relationship doesn’t work for him and better now than later down the line. In all honesty, he has probably already met someone else. This is hard for your DD but she will find someone else and have a happy life.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I agree with you about having met someone else FWIW although I have no evidence. It makes the sudden timing make more sense.

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 28/08/2025 07:27

The reason is probably no more than that they are young and he’s realised this isn’t the right relationship for him to be in for the rest of his life. Tell your dd that she doesn’t need all the answers she wants right now because they don’t make any real difference. She hasn’t done wrong and doesn’t need to change anything about her behaviour otherwise there would have been a row between them, so she just needs to accept that this wasn’t the right relationship for her. Now she is free to heal and then find what is meant for her.

You have my sympathy OP, it’s awful seeing out children hurting, even when they’re adults.

CeciliaDuckiePond · 28/08/2025 07:32

The 'why' won't help - it won't change anything. Contacting him again is the worst thing she could do.

The ex BF hasn't done anything wrong here - he's decided it isn't working for him and ended it, which is the sensible thing to do - he hasn't ghosted her or treated her so badly that she dumps him, or any of the other crap things people do sometimes in that situation.

It will take time for your DD to get over this - she has to 'grieve' the end of the relationship, which includes the loss of whatever future plans she had built on it. There will come a point when she genuinely doesn't care anymore, even wonders what she saw in him, but there isn't a short cut to reaching that stage.

The best thing for her to do is keep busy to avoid thinking about him - if there is some kind of project she can get stuck into, anything she's been meaning to do - DIY - decluttering - craft projects - self-care/fitness - career-development - it's a great time to focus on things like that which will bring their own rewards.

itsgettingweird · 28/08/2025 07:35

I read here all the time woman being told they don’t need to give BF, DP and even DH a reason other than “it’s not working for me”.

And to be honest sometimes it is just that. You can’t pinpoint a load of exact reasons other than you don’t feel compatible and it can even get as far as personal nitpicking to give reasons.

Od encourage DD to see it for what it is. He’s realised he doesn’t want a future with her and it’s better he’s honest now than strings her along. Remind her that there are people out there who she is compatible with and who feel she’s compatible with them.

But obviously acknowledge right now she’s full of understandable emotion and cannot see that. And just be there for her.

MushMonster · 28/08/2025 07:35

He is one of this people who does not share their feelings, but keep them tightly closed. Not a good partner. She is better off.
He decided to break up before the holiday, but it was already booked. For the sake of keeping peace, having a good time and not losing the money, this man used your DD. He prompted her up with sweet words he did not mean, he used her as company for this trip, then dumped her. He used her as a thing.
Your DD wants someone that, even in the event of no longer loving her as a partner, would treat her with respect and care. Not a user.
It is a win for her.
Best is to block him and never look back, but for finding those missed red flags.

R0ckandHardPlace · 28/08/2025 07:37

You sound like a ‘fixer’. It’s heartbreaking to have to watch your children suffer. Usually when they’re hurting as children, you can swoop round and make it better, but when they’re adults there’s often nothing you can do. Just be there with a listening ear and lots of hugs. x

CaptainMyCaptain · 28/08/2025 07:39

Nothing to add really. He didn't need a reason, he just wasn't feeling it. Your daughter is understandably upset but you can't fix it and getting over heartbreak is part of life. Just encourage her not to contact him and to move on.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/08/2025 07:40

Tell her that it will hurt but she will be ok. And that someone who broke up with her in this way is unlikely to be honest with her about why so best to delete and block.

Than be kind to her. If she still lives at home, spoil her a bit. If she lives away, send a care package. Don’t bad mouth him - they may get back together. Talk to her about regular things Lots of hugs.

Desmodici · 28/08/2025 07:43

I recently dumped someone after two dates (not that there was anything to end after that short time!). He was really put out that I simply said we had some incompatibilities, and he was then contacting mutual friends to try and get the actual reasons.
The reasons - he's emotionally immature and an awful kisser. I was being kind by not telling him that.

autienotnaughty · 28/08/2025 07:56

It could be cathartic to talk it out but it’s highly likely he won’t be honest and she will come away feeling worse. Better to move on head held high, indifference all the way!

RoachFish · 28/08/2025 07:58

Was this the first time they spent an extended time together just the two of them? It could just be that he saw sides of your DD that he hadn't seen before or that he just realised that they don't have that much in common. Had they been together long?

ErrolTheDragon · 28/08/2025 08:05

My guess as to the ‘why’, from what you’ve said, is that he’d reached a stage of thinking seriously about her being ‘the one’, but realised he couldn’t envision spending his life with her (buying house, starting family) and so rationally decided it was best all round to break it off.

One of their ‘incompatibilities’ may be that she wants to talk it through, he doesn’t.

It’s a shame, but it would be worse if they carried on in a relationship which didn’t progress.

ZaZathecat · 28/08/2025 08:06

Pretty muchy exactly the same scenario for my ds at the moment. He feels she didn't give him the real reason. I tell him it doesn't matter, and that whatever she had said he would feel equally hurt, but it will pass, and I encourage getting out in the world and not wallowing. It's heartbreaking to see your adult dc suffering though

Dery · 28/08/2025 08:19

I think it’s natural for your DD to want more explanation - I think her “why?” is probably more along the lines of “why did he tell her she was the one a week earlier if he’s not feeling it?” I remember feeling the same at her age.

But I completely agree with PP - there’s no point asking. He’s already given a full explanation. And as to what he said: PP suggested, he may have already been losing feelings but, given they had a holiday lined up, he was trying to talk himself back into feeling it. It does retroactively ruin the holiday for your DD - it changes everything about the holiday. Occasionally you get posts on MN with people asking whether to end a relationship before or after a planned holiday or special event and they’re often told to do so before for exactly the reason that to do it afterwards completely undermines the shared experience. But it’s a difficult call especially if you’re young and inexperienced.

I also suspect someone else has appeared who interests him and whom he wants to explore with. That was certainly the case when I was unexpectedly dumped decades ago, just as I was preparing to spend the weekend with a boyfriend. You said he was reticent with his explanation - I suspect something like this is the cause of his reticence.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 28/08/2025 08:25

It's likely he was stringing her along until the end of the holiday so he didn't lose his deposit.

Original poster
FedererFanMum · 28/08/2025 08:30

ZaZathecat · 28/08/2025 08:06

Pretty muchy exactly the same scenario for my ds at the moment. He feels she didn't give him the real reason. I tell him it doesn't matter, and that whatever she had said he would feel equally hurt, but it will pass, and I encourage getting out in the world and not wallowing. It's heartbreaking to see your adult dc suffering though

I feel for you both. Hope it passes soon

OP posts:
Original poster
FedererFanMum · 28/08/2025 08:31

Dery · 28/08/2025 08:19

I think it’s natural for your DD to want more explanation - I think her “why?” is probably more along the lines of “why did he tell her she was the one a week earlier if he’s not feeling it?” I remember feeling the same at her age.

But I completely agree with PP - there’s no point asking. He’s already given a full explanation. And as to what he said: PP suggested, he may have already been losing feelings but, given they had a holiday lined up, he was trying to talk himself back into feeling it. It does retroactively ruin the holiday for your DD - it changes everything about the holiday. Occasionally you get posts on MN with people asking whether to end a relationship before or after a planned holiday or special event and they’re often told to do so before for exactly the reason that to do it afterwards completely undermines the shared experience. But it’s a difficult call especially if you’re young and inexperienced.

I also suspect someone else has appeared who interests him and whom he wants to explore with. That was certainly the case when I was unexpectedly dumped decades ago, just as I was preparing to spend the weekend with a boyfriend. You said he was reticent with his explanation - I suspect something like this is the cause of his reticence.

Edited

I fear you are right and she will have to suffer again if/when she finds out. They have lots of friends in common.

OP posts:
WifeOfAGemini · 28/08/2025 08:32

I’d guess he wanted to break up but didn’t want to wreck the holiday they’d planned, which is noble in some way?

He hasn’t given her a load of bull, I think she can only conclude he’s just not that into her and move on. Painful.

Original poster
FedererFanMum · 28/08/2025 08:32

RoachFish · 28/08/2025 07:58

Was this the first time they spent an extended time together just the two of them? It could just be that he saw sides of your DD that he hadn't seen before or that he just realised that they don't have that much in common. Had they been together long?

3 years. Plans for the future.

OP posts:
CeciliaDuckiePond · 28/08/2025 08:35

The 'wanting to know why' usually stems from a mistaken belief that you can change the person's mind either by producing 'counter evidence' to argue your case or promising to change your own behaviour.

It doesn't work like that - if someone has split with you, it's about more than specific behaviours that you might change (leaving aside that trying to change aspects of yourself for someone else isn't usually a good idea!).

I guarantee that such a conversation would make your DD feel worse not better - she would essentially be inviting criticism and it would leave her thinking 'if only I hadn't done X or said Y ..." which is all totally pointless, it isn't like a job interview you've failed where feedback can help you for the next time, as all relationships are different and what didn't work in this one might work really well in her next relationship.

However hard it is she needs to draw a line and move on, make a conscious effort to mentally change the subject when she's gnawing over what went wrong.

It's hard, I've been there and done exactly the same as your DD in terms of wanting the 'why' - I got it but it helped me not one jot and just added to my humiliation. That was more than 30 years ago and I still wish I had just accepted being dumped and turned my back with what dignity I could muster!

Girlmom35 · 28/08/2025 08:36

R0ckandHardPlace · 28/08/2025 07:37

You sound like a ‘fixer’. It’s heartbreaking to have to watch your children suffer. Usually when they’re hurting as children, you can swoop round and make it better, but when they’re adults there’s often nothing you can do. Just be there with a listening ear and lots of hugs. x

Exactly this!

OP, your daughter is 26. She will go through much more sadness in her life.
Yes, being dumped is hard. It's also part of life.
There's something very sweet about being involved in your daughters life, but sometimes there's also being too involved.

Your daughter will go through this heartache in her way. She will do certain things right and she will do certain things that make it harder. She will learn from it, and the next time someone dumps her she will know more about how to handle it.
The only thing she needs from you, is your love, your support, and your belief that she will be okay. It's also important for her to learn that just because someone makes us sad, that doesn't mean they were wrong. Two things can be true at once. He had every right to end a relationship that felt off for him. AND your daughter had every right to feel deep sadness over this. So comfort her without turning him into a villain.

As for advice, maybe don't give her any. Maybe she's old and wise enough to figure out what the best way forward is. Maybe she just needs you to remind her she has all the wisdom inside her.

RoachFish · 28/08/2025 08:38

FedererFanMum · 28/08/2025 08:32

3 years. Plans for the future.

Show quote history

Well then I really get where she is coming from, that is a susbstantial amount of time together. I thought maybe they had been together a year or so. He hasn't handled it well at all and hopefully she will find her anger soon, then it's on to feeling indifferent about it.

My DD went through something similar last summer and she tried to fix her feelings of being rejected by changing her hair style, going out with friends, dating, CBT (did that already for other reasons) etc. but the only thing that made her feel better in the end was time unfortunately. I think it took her about 3 months before she felt like herself again.

AtBeaverGoat · 28/08/2025 08:44

MushMonster · 28/08/2025 07:35

He is one of this people who does not share their feelings, but keep them tightly closed. Not a good partner. She is better off.
He decided to break up before the holiday, but it was already booked. For the sake of keeping peace, having a good time and not losing the money, this man used your DD. He prompted her up with sweet words he did not mean, he used her as company for this trip, then dumped her. He used her as a thing.
Your DD wants someone that, even in the event of no longer loving her as a partner, would treat her with respect and care. Not a user.
It is a win for her.
Best is to block him and never look back, but for finding those missed red flags.

What a load of old BS ,
Women are told over and over again that they can end a relationship for any reason they want no matter what

this man has done just that , no more & no less

blueclip · 28/08/2025 08:53

Very bland reasons given by him seeing as the relationship was 3 years long. I’d say he’s noticed someone else. Perhaps not done anything, but has his head turned at the very least. It’s obviously something that isn’t “incompatibility” as they’d been together a long time and had made plans for the future and nothing notable had happened.