Help! DD dumped out of the blue. No reason given

[FedererFanMum]

I’m trying to support my DD (26) who has been dumped the day after her holiday with her BF (26). There was no fight. He did it by phone. A week before he told her she was the one. No reason given other than “I’ve been thinking about this for a while” and “our incompatibilities” that he wouldn’t be pressed on. So she is utterly distraught and bewildered. She wants to message him or see him to try to get to the why. I don’t think this is a good idea but I am looking for advice. I obviously think there’s no way back from this and have said as much but don’t want to be too brutal with her as she’s in such a state.

Agree with @CeciliaDuckiePond, @CopperWhite and others. The relationship wasn’t working for him, and recognising that as the most likely reason without looking for explanations is the best thing your DD can do. You can’t ‘fix’ her pain, only support her while she goes through it and recovers. Much, much better to live through a break-up now than end up further committed/married to/having children in a relationship that one party isn’t happy in.

He ended things after a holiday? I think the answer is simple - he realised during the holiday that she wasn’t right for him (her he for her - whichever way you want to spin it). Holidays are intense. You’re together 24/7 and can’t escape your partners annoying tics! Sadly her perception of the holiday is different.

Nothing you can do and she should absolutely NOT ring/chase or do anything else. It may seem as though he is being heartless but it’s not exactly uncommon to ‘date’ someone for a long period of time only to get the ‘ick’ when they move in together or go on holiday. Things that you overlook on short dates snowball when you are sharing a room/home.

She will be hurt, but at the end of the day whatever turned him of their relationship over the holiday is probably an intrinsic part of who she is - and she deserves to be with someone who finds those behaviours/attitudes/habits attractive or insignificant. Give her a hug. Remind her that you love her, all of her, just as she is, and that there will be someone else out there who will appreciate her. She’s had a narrow escape, even though she can’t see it just now.

Well, or he’d realised before the holiday but decided it was unfair (or financially ruinous) to end things before it.

She doesn’t need answers on why because truthfully he has realised he doesn’t love or want her enough. It’ll sound rude if he tells her.

He is in the right and no need to slag him off either.

Hugs to your DD, as we all do, she will get on with it eventually

It’s hard work being on holiday with someone when you don’t really want to be with that person any more. I finished with someone after a holiday. We travelled back from France in separate train carriages.

It’s hard and I know she wants answers but I think she needs to accept it sadly.

Thanks to you all for your thoughtful responses

There is likely another woman for it to be this sudden. Same thing happened to me at 26 by my then fiance and teenage boyfriend. I was so shaken, and it was made so so so much worse as he gave me a long list of things that he didn’t like about me and were wrong with me and were the reason I had ruined the relationship - this list honestly has had such a bad impact on my self esteem and confidence over a decade later I am still devastated by some of the things that were said and I think it’s really held me back from finding true love again. I urge her NOT to push for reasons as no good will come from it!

I think there is more going on than you know, either they’ve been having problems getting along, holidays can be a deal breaker, or his head has been turned, it’s hard but at least they haven’t got too serious yet.

My advice would be to just stay out of it and let her go about it the way she wants to. You’ve given your advice on what you think she should do but going forward I wouldn’t say anything more unless she asks you

100% this!

I was 24 when my boyfriend of 4 years ended things suddenly with me. I was distraught and wanted answers. I did everything that you shouldn’t… called, texted and worst of all begged him. My dear mother observed me doing all of this and had to suffer me going on and on until her ears were close to bleeding. DM could have told me to pack it in, shut up, get over it, slagged BF off and given all sorts of advice… but she didn’t. DM let me get on with it and just listened even though I know she hated seeing me in pain and would have done anything to relieve it.

I have no regrets about the experience or my behaviour because it taught me such valuable lessons. I thought I’d never get over it but I did! One day I woke up and it wasn’t the first thing I thought about.

However, my thoughts and sympathies are with your DD, as the first big heartbreak is so very painful.

This.

its crap when they won't say 'why' cause it leaves you questioning everything. But he did it by phone? What a fucking wet wipe

remind her she is strong & will get through this.

.- do NOT say

• it's for the best
• dont be so dramatic/OTTyoure only young
• pull yourself together I've got things to do

it WILL feel like the end if the world for her, she won't appreciate how young she us

shd just needs reminding she IS strong & WILL get through this & that contacting him ,as much as she wants answers) won't do her any good. If he was prepared to discuss his feelings he would have told her face to face & explsined. Not dumped her over the phone. Anything he says now will just be made up BS

there probably is someone else, but she doesn't need that pointed out to her right now

poor DD 🤗

Oh op it’s nigh on hell watching our children in shock and despair. She’s in absolute psychological free fall and her brain is still developing. Don’t even worry about the big stuff right now. Just think nurture. Snacks, soft things, presence. It’s going to be okay and you can support her until it is.

The 'wanting to know why' usually stems from a mistaken belief that you can change the person's mind either by producing 'counter evidence' to argue your case or promising to change your own behaviour.
It doesn't work like that - if someone has split with you, it's about more than specific behaviours that you might change (leaving aside that trying to change aspects of yourself for someone else isn't usually a good idea!).

^This is really good way of putting it.

Most people end relationships based on feelings. There is no why, the relationship becomes draining for the person breaking up because things are not matching up anymore. Behaviours that were tolerable earlier in the relationship become more irritating, needs that were easily accommodated become draining, expectations become too much.

Just the feelings change. There is no real why.

I hear you all and it helps. I just wish he’d done it face to face and not told her she was the one less than a week before.

Dumping her by phone is very cowardly, and I suspect this is the mark of the man. Who wants a long term future with a coward? She will be hurting now, but she will get over him eventually.

It's so hard when relationships end. I remember the heartbreak when others ended the relationship and the not understanding why..
Equally I have ended relationships too and this isn't easy either. I knew I needed to end things but In each case i still cared for the other person, had Great memories, didn't want to hurt them but knew I wasn't wanting to continue dating. It is really hard to pinpoint an exact why because relationships and feelings are complex

I remember being pushed for a 'why' many years ago. It was because I simply didn't fancy him anymore - he actually made my skin crawl a bit physically although I was fond of him as a person. I kept avoiding answering, it was so difficult. Eventually I said I thought of him as more like a brother and he just wouldn't accept it.

If he's avoiding giving an answer to 'why' it might be because he doesn't want to hurt her even more than he already has.

My BIL lived with and was planning a future with his gf of a decade. They'd just been on holiday where they talked about marriage and babies and the day they got back, he told her that they weren't compatible after all. No other reason given. He moved out immediately.

She is one of my very best friends and it utterly broke her. He moved on quickly, was online dating within a month and subsequently met, proposed to and married a new woman with whom he is trying for a baby.

As much as I understood that he didn't need a reason, I will never not believe that what he did wasn't cruel. He says he knew for a long time it wouldn't work out but let a decade - and her fertility - pass.

The application of time, love and friendship will heal her. It's miserable though.

25 years or so ago I pushed an ex for the 'real' reasons he'd dumped me...for a month afterwards...we had been together for about a year. In the end he got so fed up with my calls that he told me his 'truth' - a character assassination so eviscerating I can still remember every word 2 decades later. The worst part was, some of it did have a basis in truth...

I asked for it, and by God did I get it! It worked though, I never contacted him again and 6 months later I met a new man. I saw it from the other side years later when a guy I'd been seeing casually for 6 months decided to send me at least 20 long long emails saying why I should go back to him, after I decided to end it...I'd already had to change my mobile number because of the constant calls! It took him 6 months to give up...by that time I strongly disliked him.

That experience finally made me realise that when one person says a relationship is over, it doesn't matter what the other person thinks/wants. I often think now that if I ran into the ex, I'd actually apologise for not accepting 'Sorry, I no longer want to continue this relationship' and pushing and pushing to the point he started to hate me.

Your daughter's ex is probably being truthful in saying that he'd been thinking about it for awhile. He probably told her that she was 'the one' because he was trying to convince himself. I got married at 30, after a 5 year relationship, which I knew wasn't right - we should have split up at that time instead. I got mired in the 'sunk cost fallacy' and wasted another decade...a break up is far less painful than a divorce.

Ultimately, when someone ends a relationship, it’s because they don’t care enough to want to keep the relationship going.

The detail might be different but that is what underpins it. If someone ends a relationship because of other demands on their time or other commitments or hurdles such as distance, it’s because they don’t care enough to make the effort that would keep things going despite those hurdles.

And “feeling it” is not something you can manufacture. There have fabulous men in my life who ticked lots of boxes and with whom I really wished at the time I could have felt it but I just didn’t and I know men have similarly just not felt it with me or have just stopped feeling it. It can’t be forced. And as PP have said, it’s probably got nothing to do with anything your DD is or isn’t or did or didn’t do.

And that is completely fair enough but it’s very hard to be on the receiving end, particularly after 3 years which is a meaningful period. Given that time period, I’m even more inclined to think that someone else has caught his interest.

It’s horrible for your daughter now. Most of us have been where she is and we know that time and getting very busy helps and that she will feel better but it will probably be a good few months or more before this stops dominating her thoughts and feelings.

Ultimately, learning that you can have your heart broken and feel happy again and love again is actually very empowering but obviously she’s not there yet.

He doesn't owe her an explanation. He's done the right thing by ending it

Hijacking thread but thanks for this, its what I needed to read

Well this is EXACTLY what my 23 year old boyfriend said to me when I was 21. He couldn’t see a future with me, getting married or having children. He was very direct about it.

He came back 2.5 years later having changed his mind. Married now, with a child, 19 years on.

He may well come back OP. Perhaps after three years he’s wanting to explore other options before settling down. Your poor DD though, it really hurts.