The best boyfriend ever - and I dumped him. Please tell me your ‘One the got away’ stories!

[BenignKipper]

I am struggling to get over a relationship that I ended. I am not sorry I ended it - but I am really not coping with how very attractive and all of the things he is.

Short story shorter: we really liked each other but the relationship moved at breakneck speed and he had no boundaries so was constantly discussing us with other people. He is an extremely anxious person and I found myself becoming more and more anxious - like the anxiety was catching - and eventually I just felt so frazzled I called time.

But I miss him and follow him online. He is so good looking, high achieving, kind - just great. He is also properly accomplished, and … you get the picture. He is objectively my ‘best’ ever boyfriend. So fucking eligible he will be snapped up - in fact I assume he is already in something new. Sighs.

My best friend and I had a thing. We were way more than friends. Never labelled it. Kids these days call it a situationship. He was my soulmate. The way he described it was like we were jack and rose from titanic . That passion was there. When he held me I was weak at the knees. We never hooked up but we thought about it more than once. We had a connection like no other. He told me things he never told anyone else. Anyway he died. Took his life. Il never love anyone like I loved him. If I had a time machine I’d tell him he was the love of my life.

You realise his social media profile is curated to make it look like he’s got his shit together? This anxiety, and its knock on effects on you (or his friends, family, other partners) is not going to make the social media edit - but is in your memory as your lived experience. Be kind to yourself and unfollow / mute - basically whatever it takes to remove him from your feeds (Christ I am old).

He might objectively be eligible (on paper) but that doesn’t make him your best bf or a missed opportunity. I’m certain something better is around the corner if you let it be - and remember comparison is unfair and unhelpful - especially the sanitised social media vs an IRL interaction.

You only need to look at celebrity gossip pages to find huge numbers of gorgeous, accomplished and charismatic people who are enormously successful in their field…but who would also be terribly difficult partners.

He isn’t the best boyfriend ever, regardless of how he looks or what he achieves, because your time together was damaging your mental health.

There is someone better out there. They may not be as handsome or as talented, but you will be able to breathe, relax and thrive with them.

I don't think you should look for "objectively best", I think you should look for "most compatible".
Anyway from the sound of it he isn't objectively all that great. But if you aren't compatible it just isn't relevant anyway.

Stop following him online. BLOCK all his social media profiles - block them from yourself. Stop torturing yourself.

• no boundaries
• discussing you with other people
• breakneck speed
• needy
• anxiety

Let the good looking man child find another baby sitter - and yes the next lady will think he looks like the best boyfriend possible on paper ...... until she's had too many months of his behaviour as well.

There will be someone else for you. A more emotionally mature rounded person.

There may be several more men available to you over the next few years and you might have to kiss a few more frogs until you find "the one". They will all have different qualities. Best wishes.

If he was creating all that anxiety and ignoring boundaries, it was already a sign of things to come. My DP had a host of issues that I didn’t see at first and it sent me to a spiral of anxiety that I hadn’t experienced in years and years. Whatever that man has going on, it would eventually come to the surface.
We’re doing great now but only because me breaking up with him prompted a lot of inner work on his part, which I suspect is a minority (and even so, who knows if it will hold up with the years?).

My “one that got away” was a prolonged situationship from 16 to 24 (we really dragged it!). I never accepted anything serious because I thought I wasn’t good enough. Now I know it’s silly, but at the time it felt like a big deal. As far as I know he’s doing great and still looks good.

That's heartbreaking, I'm so sorry that happened. I hope you are able to find love again, even if not in the same way.

My one that got away is the first boy I was in love with. Met at 14, he followed me round for years and we were good friends but I wasn’t ready. At 18 decided I would admit it to him but he was in a relationship… we held a torch for each other over the years talking about it when we were single, but never dared to make it proper. Both got married, had kids, got divorced. Then we did get together, and I was so happy. But he decided he wasn’t ready and got away again. Now we don’t speak. I’m 44.

Funny, these days I would have sex on the first date but I wouldn’t connect on social media for at least a year. You just don’t need that ‘perfect’ version of him in your head, because he’s highly imperfect! That’s why you ended it!

My one that got away is someone that would never have worked in a million years, and indeed it didn’t work. But good sex can send you a bit mad. Luckily for me his online presence is literally 2 pictures.

He wasn’t the best boyfriend ever though or he wouldn’t have been dumped.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. Best boyfriend my arse. Your bar is set too low.

I fancied him like mad and we had one drunken snog which was, and remains, probably my best sexual experience ever. I was in an unhappy relationship but stuck with that instead of leaving for him. This was 18 years ago. I am currently crying every day that I didn't pursue things with him. I'm in touch with him occasionally and he's a great guy with a lovely family. Whereas I am still with the person I was with then and still unhappy. I can't forgive myself.

Why do some women set their bars so low. He sounds shite.

It doesn’t matter what someone looks like if they have contagious suffocating anxiety and no boundaries.

He wasn’t shite 😁he just couldn’t contain his shite. I felt instantly better the day after … and terrible months later.

Thank you for your OTGA stories. I think everyone has an Ex they ruminate on. He is an easy target.

I was with a boyfriend from 16-19. I went to uni and he got a brilliant job offer in the states. We continued to speak every day but eventually both got married to the wrong people and had kids. 21 years later we were still completely in love and got together. Been the happiest ever for the last five years.

I have two.

I met a guy a few years ago, he was such a gentleman. He was the sort of man you could take home to your parents and your Mum would love him because he was polite and kind, and your Dad would love him because he played cricket and rugby! He'd get on with your friends and siblings too. When he hugged me I felt safe. I'd put him in the friend zone and really struggled to get him out of it. He was the type of man I should have married. We danced around the feelings for months and tried to stay friends. We gave in in the end, it didn't go anywhere and I lost a friend to boot. I still think about him and regret being so indecisive and insecure.

Another was my best friend from college. We knew something was special when we first saw each other and we had the same Nirvana tshirt on. He once said i could be Courtney and he'd be Kurt, we were inseparable. My parents loved him, still talk about the nice polite young man, my Dad mentioned him in his father if the bride speach at my wedding (possibly a dig at my ex now i think about it). We did kiss a couple of times. I regret never taking it further but I was a young, insecure 17 year old. He was my soul mate and I loved him (my first love). Met up with him a few years ago for a drink with another of our friends, and the chemistry is still there, he walked me to the taxi and we had such a laugh it felt like old times. He's happy in a relationship though.

Can anyone share with me how they cope with their OTGA thoughts? I feel like I threw away my one chance of happiness and it's killing me.

Nobody has one chance at happiness. There is a chance for happiness every day, even if a small thing like hearing the birds sing.

As pp mentioned, a lot of this longing is sex. Hormones have a lot to answer for. Keep busy and if necessary get under a new person to get over the old one!

This - all of this. It sounds like you dodged a bullet. You’ve been lovebombed by a charismatic man who needed constant reassurance and trampled all over your boundaries. Google narcissism in relationships. Well done on being strong enough to let go. I was two years down the line before I came to my senses and ditched my award winning book writer ex. Block block block.

If he was your best BF you’ve had shitty BFs.

In my first term at uni I had a couple of drunken snogs/fumbles with a friend. I was a virgin and had zero confidence when it came to men, I somehow assumed he was way more experienced and would end up using me. Then I got glandular fever over the Christmas holidays, blamed him ("the kissing disease") and avoided him for most of the next term.

By the time I came to my senses and realised he actually is a really good guy, he was in a relationship with someone else. We remained friends despite my initial shitty treatment of him. They are still together 22 years later, I've been in relationships for nearly all that time as well (with DH for the last 18 years) and we both have families. We are still good friends, he was an usher at my wedding, though don't see each other very often now. Nothing would ever happen as the fall out for the respective families would be horrific, but there's still a small spark there that makes me wonder what would have happened if I'd acted differently all those years ago.

I was working on a project for a few weeks that meant I took the same train every morning. I was single but it looked like something might start with a friend of a friend.
Every day, there was an attractive man on the train I'd eye up, and I got the impression he might be looking more at me, too - or maybe it was my imagination.
The friend of a friend took me on a date and it looked like it might lead somewhere so I stopped ogling the man on the train.
The last day of the project, as I got off the train, the good-looking man came up and politely asked me out on a date. By now, I'd gone out with the friend of a friend a couple of times, and in those days double dating was not a thing :D so I declined. The man was a total gentleman about it.

I ended up marrying the friend of a friend, and over the years he turned out not to be a great catch after all. I do wonder what might have happened if double dating had been a thing back then!

I don’t, but a friend of ours had a great boyfriend. When they met (at Uni) he was a bit of a cock. However, he really improved with time and they got together several years later and were great together. Genuinely well suited. When they came to our wedding we were sure they would follow soon.

He had a life tragedy and became depressed for at least a year. There had been this other guy sniffing around her for a while. She ended up dumping the BF for the new guy. The BF recovered and is now happily married with his kids. The new guy (who we were always sceptical about) became clear he was a total looser, she has supported him for over a decade and they have a kid (her doing everything).

Whenever we discuss her it always becomes so apparent how tragic the situation is. She made one bad decision breaking up with BF and her life looks so much worse for it. She seems ok at rationalising her situation to her self, but she is so much less happy than she used to be with the original BF.

Your ex is probably successful because of a personality that is prone to anxiety. Some people can succeed due to these traits, but they also need partners who can function with that personality.

No matter how much you think you lost something, you would never have been a good combination. You both need personalities that suit you.