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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

would you agree ?

28 replies

NameChanged020756 · 27/08/2025 09:51

Please advise. Have name-changed for this thread as I feel embarrassed posting this.

One of the girls in my friends circle has recently started showing a slight (not usual level) of interest in my husband. Last week we were all talking about going to this event and whether to go as a ladies night out or with spouses , at first she said she was too busy when it was just us girls, but later when the only other person and I who turned out to be going said we might as well see if our spouses could come too, she said she might try to come (with her DH ofc). She then messaged to ask if I had spoken to my DH and if he was coming. Strange, yes ?

I have enough life experience to not show any reaction or outward surprise in such situations. I would hope so by now at least, in my 40s and married 20 odd years.

I casually mentioned it to DH (prob should not have) , and he dismissed it as being unnecessarily suspicious when I asked him if she had been paying any extra attention to him , and also if he had to her (and if yes, to refrain , as it was not harmless and was bound to upset me even if he deemed it harmless).

When he said there's absolutely nothing going on re extra attention , and not to drop her from my circle based on 'imaginary' suspicion. I replied promptly 'oh it wont be her I drop , if I even catch the slightest whiff of any disrespect to me. It will be you'.

Did I handle this okay or should I have ignored completely

OP posts:
BabyCatFace · 27/08/2025 09:52

Yes you overreacted and your conversation with your DH was weird and confrontational when he's done nothing wrong!

DiscoBob · 27/08/2025 09:54

If she fancies him, you'd dump him? That seems a bit extreme.
Just imagine if he said to you that his mate Gary seems keen on you. Then interrogated you about him, then said you'd be chucked if he flirted with you?! You'd be flabbergasted!

Mrsttcno1 · 27/08/2025 09:56

I’m amazed that a grown adult would actually think your behaviour was okay here

Mumlaplomb · 27/08/2025 10:03

Op could it be that she wanted to take her husband and wanted to check other husbands were going before she roped him in?

Bessica1970 · 27/08/2025 10:03

It’s likely that she asked if your DH had said he was coming before she invited her DH. She probably didn’t want him feeling like a spare part if he was the only DH. You’re massively overthinking this and will drive your DH away if you continue with accusatory conversations when he hasn’t done anything wrong!

Wherearemymarbles · 27/08/2025 10:05

She’s just making sure her DH is not the only man!
Do you have form for be a jealous idiot??

NameChanged020756 · 27/08/2025 10:13

Wherearemymarbles · 27/08/2025 10:05

She’s just making sure her DH is not the only man!
Do you have form for be a jealous idiot??

He has form for 'harmlessly' choosing and friending one of my lady friends in the past and them becoming really close , that was 10+ years ago and we have moved on. It was an awful phase though.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 27/08/2025 10:17

NameChanged020756 · 27/08/2025 10:13

He has form for 'harmlessly' choosing and friending one of my lady friends in the past and them becoming really close , that was 10+ years ago and we have moved on. It was an awful phase though.

Probably should've put that in your original post op!

To be honest it sounds like you don't trust him. I mean it's been over 10 years and you still have an itch about him. Shit or get off the pot. Forgive or get rid. Personally I would get rid. I don't know how you can have a relationship without trust.

Suednymph · 27/08/2025 11:10

Are you sure she was not just checking another husband would be there before inviting hers along?

NameChanged020756 · 27/08/2025 11:18

Suednymph · 27/08/2025 11:10

Are you sure she was not just checking another husband would be there before inviting hers along?

Maybe , but only asked specifically about mine naming him, rather than the two of us who said we would go with our husbands, she asked on the ladies group where there are six of us. and the other three had already said they cant come, either ways.

OP posts:
Suednymph · 27/08/2025 11:19

Right so if the other three already said they were not going then she was IMO just checking at least one other hubbie would be there surely?

Tooshytoshine · 27/08/2025 11:22

Her husband likes your husband (platonically). He finds the other husband a bit of a bore or something...

My partner does not like all my friends spouses equally. She wants a couples evening out.

You sound like you have jumped to an illogical conclusion.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/08/2025 11:37

NameChanged020756 · 27/08/2025 10:13

He has form for 'harmlessly' choosing and friending one of my lady friends in the past and them becoming really close , that was 10+ years ago and we have moved on. It was an awful phase though.

You clearly haven’t moved on OP, if you had then you wouldn’t have responded like this

NameChanged020756 · 27/08/2025 11:37

Tooshytoshine · 27/08/2025 11:22

Her husband likes your husband (platonically). He finds the other husband a bit of a bore or something...

My partner does not like all my friends spouses equally. She wants a couples evening out.

You sound like you have jumped to an illogical conclusion.

Yes that could be it , that her husband said he would come if mine would , regardless of the third H coming or not from the other lady coming.

Thanks :-)

Love you wise women on here

Determined to not let go of any more female friendships at this point ......

OP posts:
NameChanged020756 · 27/08/2025 11:44

Mrsttcno1 · 27/08/2025 11:37

You clearly haven’t moved on OP, if you had then you wouldn’t have responded like this

Yes I never really fully moved on perhaps.

The friend from ten years ago was in a circle I had in the previous neighbourhood we ilved in.

He invited her to help him run a club on a hobby both he and my DS do , at the local school. As she had lots of time , was job searching with kids finally being well into primary school.

They got really really close , though it was always platonic. He was name dropping her all the time, what a perfect mother she was, tagging her on FB posts, yada yada.

Took a while for it to die down. I wanted to leave, as he made it clear the friendship was more valuable (through actions) than our marriage. I also found a lot of pics he took of just her in his camera, during a families trip. I wasn't even in most pics and DC on the sidelines, if there.

He would not let me leave and insisted he had nothing wrong, and if I still left, he would fight absolutely dirty for more than 50 pc custody by getting a killer lawyer. He didnt care if he blew all his money on the lawyer just to prove he was a good guy and did not deserve any nights away from then primary aged DC.

Cant go through it again......it was such an embarrassment last time

OP posts:
noidea69 · 27/08/2025 11:51

Blimey your poor husband, you've jumped to some serious conclusions off one text message from a friend.

NameChanged020756 · 27/08/2025 13:24

noidea69 · 27/08/2025 11:51

Blimey your poor husband, you've jumped to some serious conclusions off one text message from a friend.

There were a few other things as far as this friend and my husband go ...in the past few months , all small tiny little things like the one above though, so far.

relived and glad you all think this sounds harmless so far though, fingers crossed.

OP posts:
blythet · 27/08/2025 17:16

if this was a situation with my friend my assumption would be that she only wanted to come if she could bring her DH. And that she then text to see if your DH would definitely be there.

Unless there is a back story it’s a bit of a strange conclusion to jump to?

healthybychristmas · 27/08/2025 21:38

To be honest I think your husband sounds absolutely horrible and although I might have stayed with him in order not to lose my children, as soon as they were old enough I'd be off. Bearing in mind your later post I can absolutely understand why you said what you did.

NameChanged020756 · 28/08/2025 07:25

healthybychristmas · 27/08/2025 21:38

To be honest I think your husband sounds absolutely horrible and although I might have stayed with him in order not to lose my children, as soon as they were old enough I'd be off. Bearing in mind your later post I can absolutely understand why you said what you did.

Last night he threatened to kill me if I ever again insinuated that he was flirting with other women - he has never done that before, threatened to kill ie.

in shock....

OP posts:
moderate · 28/08/2025 07:31

NameChanged020756 · 28/08/2025 07:25

Last night he threatened to kill me if I ever again insinuated that he was flirting with other women - he has never done that before, threatened to kill ie.

in shock....

What the fuck? This is now a totally different conversation.

Was there any mitigating context for you to take this in a jokey way?

AnotherVice · 28/08/2025 07:52

OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I would suggest that threatening to kill you is ‘disrespect’ enough to leave him. He doth protest too much.

Kidsgotothatschool · 28/08/2025 08:08

I have no idea why you’re getting a hard time here. He sounds like he is had form for being in the market for validation and ego kibbles from other women and you’re picking up on another one in your friendship group. He also sounds awful, not reassuring or kind (after previously breaking your trust) but entirely hard faced about it and abusive.

Why on earth are you still with this a’hole?

Let’s be really clear here, your ‘friend’ isn’t the problem. He is.

NameChanged020756 · 28/08/2025 10:19

He has calmed down this morning some, but also said he is ready now if we want to mutually decide to split. We left it at that.

OP posts:
TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 28/08/2025 10:26

I think you should seriously consider leaving him. OMG. This is not good.

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