My partner of 16years has told me he is bisexual

[Boymam3]

My partner and I got together when we were 18, we have 3 kids together, years ago I found gay and straight porn on his computer and I reacted very badly to it. We moved forward. We work together and live together have the same friends and he says hes been really lonely hes reflected on his life and hes sad he has no friends to call his own he also admitted that he is bisexual (hes never been with a man though) i found out he was on grindr and asked him about it he said it says in my bio happily partnered to a woman. No hookups. As he is looking for friends like him. I have quite bad mental health and im really struggling with paranoia he openly sits there messaging him and tells me some things about him. He says he will always love me and he only wants his own friends. Im absolutely terrorfied to the point I cant concentrate and its becoming obsessive what are they talking about? Am I just a stepping stone incase he doesn't want to pursue being with a man. His friend has asked if he wants to meet up for coffee and he told me about that. I can barely get my head around him talking to another bi man all of a sudden let alone him going to meet up. Im so scared of what the future holds, being cheated on. Im just so so scared I need reassurance

I'm sorry to say that no one goes on Grindr to find friends. People take up hobbies to find friends - people with mutual interests. The only mutual interest on Grindr is in other men's bodies. I don't think he is being honest with you and I am so sorry to say that. I think you really need to have a conversation with him about this - despite your fears - because you need to get to the bottom of it all.

I'm a bisexual woman happily married to a man with no intention of ever cheating on him - so yes, it is possible to be both bisexual and faithful to your partner. Yours seems to have been up front with you about his new friend, which I take as a positive. I do find it odd that he would turn to grindr to make friends - I wouldn't sign up to a dating app when in a relationship - and it sounds like you found out he was on Grindr rather than him telling you first. I'd be uncomfortable about this. My advice would be to talk to him. If he really is just looking for other bisexual male friends, there's likely a local LGB group he could join - and his reaction to you telling him you're uncomfortable with him being on Grindr and would prefer he meets friends by other means will tell you a lot.

I'd be worried too. Grindr is a hook up site.

He’s completely out of order being on a dating site. It would be the end for me.

Grindr is for men looking to have sex with other men.

It sounds like your p is gay and isn’t quite ready to go for it so you are the safety net.

I mean, he’s always been interested in men.

Grindr is an odd choice but it also sounds like he specifically wanted a bi male friend to talk to, which I can understand and doesn't necessarily mean cheating. However, you're clearly struggling with the bi side even if he's not cheating so I think you need to be honest with him and yourself, can you live with a bi man and believe that he won't cheat? Is that specific to him, has he given you reason to believe he wants to cheat? Or do you just not want to be with a bi man?

We've had a really long heart to heart and hes showed me that all the people that want hook ups or anything like that hes blocked them. I honestly believe that he only wants friends of his own. Hes open with me about them talking hes told him about me and his 3 kids. Hes not a very sociable person he Isnt the kind of person to go out do a hobby or talk to people. He has anxiety too. Someone messaged him saying that hes waisting their time because hes openly said hes in a relationship and only looking for people to be friends with and they were really awful to him because of that. I just need to build my strength up and for him to keep me in the loop with their friendship so that I still feel part of it and like it isnt a secret side which he isnt giving me that impression right now. Hes still exactly the same with me as he always has been. I think the shock of it had thrown me alot

He is hiding in plain sight from you

He clearly looking for someone who’s happy to be a side piece. Sorry op but he’s probably gay.

grindr is not the place you go to make platonic friends ffs. It’s a gay hookup app! He can join a running club if he needs more friends

He might be being honest with you — well as honest as he is being to himself. It is odd to sign up to a hookup site and then state he’s not looking for a hookup. I say this because even if that’s not his intention it will be the intention of almost everyone else on that site. The friends he has made will likely be using it to form a romantic or sexual relationship. From what you have said he sounds very vulnerable emotionally. He is in a prime position for one of these friends to push the right buttons and say the right things and his whole life could blow up. I would be reiterating this to him. He probably needs therapy to understand this side of himself and his anxiety. Using new bisexual friends from a hookup site to explore this further is a disaster waiting to happen.

He isn't gay hes bisexual

This is what im worried about he may have no intention cheating but they may have. I just dont know what to do. Ive secretly known he was bi for quite a few years and it didnt bother me because we've always had the same friends now ive found myself having trust issues and paranoid. He is being open and doesn't hide that hes messaging his friend im just struggling alot. And to all the people saying hes gay he isnt gay hes very sexualy active with me always touches me and has always been like that I dont believe he is gay but bi I can.

I get what your saying but he struggles with socialising he isnt the kind of person to just join a club and start talking face to face with people hes never been like that its something he struggles with alot

No its not that I dont want to be with a bi man its getting my head around the change, like him wanting friends and they way hes done it was a stupid way to do it but hes put that hes with a woman and wants no hookups in his actual bio. He just wants someone to talk to who understands him.

OP, to respond to each comment directly you need to click on the quote button. For example I'm responding to your last comment:

So he wants to chat to other bisexual men? Have you asked him why?

Ah you answered my question in your response to this poster.

Wondering why he just wants to chat to another man who understands him though.

Sorry @Boymam3 but he’s gay. Even if he likes women as well, if he fancies men and is on Grindr then he’s still gay,

What he’s doing currently on Grindr MIGHT be innocent, and he MIGHT genuinely have no intention on taking things any further with the men he is talking to. However, it will almost certainly escalate to a meet, and then probably something sexual after that.

Personally, I don’t believe any man suddenly turns gay/bi after 16 years of marriage and three kids. There is always a trigger and that trigger is likely to be some form of sexual connection with someone, be it physical or emotional

you might think he’s being open and honest with you, by showing you the messages and telling you about his ‘friend’ asking to go for a coffee when the reality is he’s gaining your trust so hel has, at least in his mind, been given permission by you to explore his sexuality. He is blindsiding you, either intentionally or unintentionally.

He didnt suddenly turn bi hes been bi his whole life and tried to tell me when we were younger but I kicked off in an awful way saying our whole life had been a lie and I reacted so badly so he's never spoke about it again. Im more open minded and grown enough to know that you can be bisexual and not cheat. Ive ready spoken to him about the meeting for a coffee and he said it would be somewhere local wouldn't be anyone's place and I said I cant be with you if you want to explore that side of your sexuality and he insists he doesn't hes happy and loves me and always has he just wants friends who understand being bi

And if he likes woman and is attracted to men thats bisexual not gay. You can't like woman and be a gay man

Thanks ive figured it out now lol. And hes had to hide it his whole life he hasnt had s very nice childhood and if he came out as bisexual I dont know how it would of gone. He was severely bullied and called gay at school so hes hid his sexuality away. He wants to be able to talk to people who are like him

I think going for counselling may be a good idea, for you and him individually and probably as a couple too. But I think you need to prioritise your own wellbeing and look into counselling for you as a priority. Of course you are scared, your world has been turned upside down, it's a completely normal reaction, as perhaps is burying your head in the sand. Grindr is an odd choice of a place to make friends, the person he is meeting up with may in reality want or expect more. It's possible DH does too or he may be also be a bit vulnerable if he also struggles with MH/anxiety . It must be very confusing for you. Remember you are allowed boundaries and being faithful to each other should be one of them.
Naturally It's making you feel so anxious, I think he's really being unfair on you, work out what your boundaries are and be firm with them, be prepared to separate if necessary as this isn't the life you signed up for.
I do think it's perfectly possible for bi sexuals to be faithful to their partner in the same way heterosexual couples are but it sounds like he has never explored his bisexuality which might be a risk .

There are two things to deal with here, firstly your bisexual partner has decided that now is the right time to make friends with similar people who understand what that’s like. Secondly, he’s joined a dating app for the last reason most people join that type of app - to find platonic friends.

I’m a bisexual female and married to a man. I have no intention at all of cheating on him, neither do I crave other types of sexual encounters. He is everything I need in a partner. Only you know about your relationship and from what you say, you’ve known that he is bi for a while and your relationship is good and you are close. The main change here is his desire to meet up with others who are bisexual.

Personally, I’ve never had a conversation with another bi person about my sexuality, I’ve talked to gay friends but found that some seemed to think that I was undecided and probably gay. My husband knows, and a few friends know that I’ve had both male and female partners in the past. I’ve always been weary of the semi-frequent bias that being bisexual is a cover or a halfway house before you come out completely. I assure you that it is not and I think you already know this.

As far as Grindr goes, that really is a bit of a clumsy way forward. If your partner is looking for support and friendship, maybe looking for focused support groups would be a better option. I’m sure that an online search might throw up a few, or maybe other posters on the LGBTQ threads might be able to help. Either way, a boundary or two might help you from spiralling, and focus his search.

It’s of no consequence what they want. It’s what he wants. He wants to have sex with men, that’s why he is on Grindr.

It doesn’t matter if he’s gay or bi ( I think he is more likely to be gay ). The issue is he is on a hook up site. There are other ways he could engage with bi men, although given he has known his entire life why wait till now?

Many gay men do this by the way. Regardless, he is on a site dedicated to men having sex with men. But even if it was with women or “ bi” it would be making you miserable. Don’t be gaslit. Face up to what is going on.

Going on Grindr to make friends is like a vegan going to a butchers for tofu. Maybe he really is just misguided and socially awkward, but that is not what Grindr is for. It’s not even where gay men find relationships from what I have seen, it’s predominately a hook up app. Bumble has a “best friend” feature which would probably be more suitable, but realistically a dating app/hook up app/an app that’s primarily there for romance isn’t something your husband should be on and I fear he’s stringing you along with this. I genuinely do not believe he’s that naive, but you know him best.

Also, who said you reacted badly to the gay porn? I don’t know any women would wouldn’t react badly to gay porn on their husbands computer - in fact I think for most they would leave at that. Even if it was among straight porn, I’d probably have ran for the hills at that.