My partner of 16years has told me he is bisexual

[Boymam3]

My partner and I got together when we were 18, we have 3 kids together, years ago I found gay and straight porn on his computer and I reacted very badly to it. We moved forward. We work together and live together have the same friends and he says hes been really lonely hes reflected on his life and hes sad he has no friends to call his own he also admitted that he is bisexual (hes never been with a man though) i found out he was on grindr and asked him about it he said it says in my bio happily partnered to a woman. No hookups. As he is looking for friends like him. I have quite bad mental health and im really struggling with paranoia he openly sits there messaging him and tells me some things about him. He says he will always love me and he only wants his own friends. Im absolutely terrorfied to the point I cant concentrate and its becoming obsessive what are they talking about? Am I just a stepping stone incase he doesn't want to pursue being with a man. His friend has asked if he wants to meet up for coffee and he told me about that. I can barely get my head around him talking to another bi man all of a sudden let alone him going to meet up. Im so scared of what the future holds, being cheated on. Im just so so scared I need reassurance

It's so offensive for posters above to state he must be gay, as if bisexuality isn't a real status. He's been having sex with a woman for 16 years so that's pretty strong evidence he is bisexual and not gay for a start.

However I do think you are naive to think he only wants make friends op. I think at best he is struggling with his sexuality and the fact he never explored it fully before settling down. I don't think this bodes well for your relationship and think counseling is the way forward if he agrees.

How would you feel if he was on Bumble looking for a friend and was going for a coffee with a woman he'd met there? Would you be equally relaxed, or would that cross a line? As he says he's equally attracted to men and women, it is a comparable situation.

It’s not really about what’s offensive it’s about what is true. I think he’s gay.
Plenty of gay men have slept with women and fathered children.
He’s saying bisexual because it’s easier, maybe he’s even in denial himself…or maybe he knows exactly what he is and he’s been covering it up all this time.
You must be totally in shock, you don’t have to just accept what he says. Stop making excuses for him. Open your eyes.

You can only cope with what you can cope with.
State reality and admit that you will not compete with grindr or male boyfriends.
You can never tolerate cheating; you need to be able to trust the father of your children and your spouse and business partner to put the needs of the family first..

He has to choose - to stay with you and remain trustworthy and transparent, including not being available for coffee with bisexual people OR he leaves and breaks up the family and business.
Suggest that you two go off and explore new horizons and places a few times each month - to add variety to life that husband might be missing.

There are plenty online forums, I'm sure..where bisexual men can share their thoughts on being a bisexual man in a relationship with a woman but Grindr is not one of them.

I think he's already started an emotional affair with this man. If he hasn’t he yet, he surely will. Im sorry OP but this will not end well. I would seriously consider leaving this relationship. Not sure why you’re okay with this regardless of what his excuse is. If he met a woman on a dating app and decided to go for a coffee with her ( for someone to talk/bond with) i don’t think you would accept that. Don’t accept this either! Wake up!!

He's going to fuck someone.

At the minute maybe it's plausible deniability, he's meeting for coffee and to talk, he's happily married etc etc. But at some point it'll escalate, he'll feel incredibly close to a man he's shared a lot of intimate conversations with (ones he can't have with you, because you don't understand) and he's going to end up fucking them. Or being fucked, to be fair.

But he chooses grindr to 'make platonic friends'. It really isn't the place to make friends, its for finding men to have sex with. Ask him why he doesn't just join a meet up/social club or sports club to make platonic friends. He would have to talk to any contacts made on grindr of course!

You’re not ‘paranoid’ and don’t have ‘trust issues’.

He has lied to you for many years and may well still be lying. Looking at and messaging men on Grindr. Focused on himself, his ‘journey’ and ‘struggles’ and wanting to meet men.

Not the actions of someone worthy of their partner’s trust. Your upset, worries and loss of trust are logical.

You don’t need to ‘support’ him to treat you like shit. Also impacting negatively on your DC.

If you stay in the relationship, prioritise yourself, including your personal earning ability.

OP if you give him your blessing to meet this guy, who he met on Grinder, you have lost your mind. Bottom line. He can be as bisexual as he likes but this is a date. You are his wife.

I think it's unfair to use another person as a source of therapy to "understand" himself. That person will be investing themselves and be used in the process.

There are people who can help him with this that don't get hurt and that is a therapist.

OP You are kidding yourself if you think this won't escalate. He's planning to meet another bi man and they are already having an emotional affair in plain site. This is a date dressed up as 'friendship' where they will no doubt be talking about their feelings, needs and desires. If you condone this you are giving him a go ahead to cheat.

How is it going now OP?

Gay man here and this is going to be a deeply unpopular comment but it is 100% true. Grindr is a hookup app. There is no forum for friendship on there. It's a geolocation hookup app which allows queer men to share intimate photographs and to arrange meets. Sadly a great deal of the users are your "bi" and downlow husbands. They are having unsafe physical relations with huge numbers of partners and putting their own and your health at great risk.

The numbers are shocking. If I were a straight woman I honestly wouldn't even consider dating a man without having his devices checked for past usage of Grindr, Scruff, Fabguys, Recon, etc.

I was gonna say similar. My best friend is a bi man, he ONLY uses grindr for quick hook ups. He will chat to a man and a few hours later they're having sex. It is not a friendship site lol.