I think husband is jealous of me?

[Shs726]

So my husband and I got married 4 years ago.
We didn’t live together due to cultural reasons. He is 42 and I am 34.

Anyway,
Before marriage:

I was already earning over £150k. I already owned a property that I was renting out. I also had considerable savings that I made over the years.

My husband also earns well (90k). Has a property and he wanted his property to be the marital home. (His idea).
When we got married he said he’d take care of the bills. I did offer to go splits on all the bills including mortgage, as didn’t think it was fair on him. He insisted he wanted to do it solely as it’s a “man’s job”.

Throughout the course of marriage… I’ll get all the groceries, holidays, gifts etc. I also do majority of the savings for both of us. As a way of contributing.

What’s frustrating is…
Whenever we argue, it could be about the smallest and unrelated thing ever, he’ll always bring my salary into it. He’ll make remarks such as “you think you are better coz you earn more”.

Bear in mind, I have NEVER SAID to him I earn more or ever thought I was better.

Or he’ll make remarks about how I have had life easy coz I got a house that I rent out etc (ignoring the fact that I worked for it and being a LL isn’t easy in this day and age).

I’ve spent many occasions reassuring him that what we have is for both of us. The savings and investments I make, it’s for both of us. I don’t think I’m better and that I value that he provides a roof over my head etc.
it’s just never enough.

In arguement he’ll always remind me it’s his house I live in. But in return I never remind him of the food and outings he does is because of me. Or most of the furniture is what I paid for. It’s petty.

Recently he’s accused me of sleeping my way to the top that’s how I got the job. He also remarked I physically disgust him as my body is gross (first time he’s ever said this), and his ex is better. And that I think I’m special because “you have some money and assets”.

I just don’t get it why he always mentions this in every arguement. Im now believing he’s jealous of me. Even writing this out seems crazy to me. Maybe I’m wrong. But my gut is telling me it’s jealousy. If so, can you ever come past this?

@Shs726, this pathetic contemptuous worm gets a buzz from tearing you down. Whatever character flaw is at the root of his cruelty, he is willingly making destructive choices to demean and humiliate you.

How dare he viciously accuse you of sleeping your way upward, slag off your body, and taunt that his Ex rates better. His other back-stabbing comments which you detailed are also despicable.

He clearly has an agenda to prop himself up by degrading and unsettling you. Stop reassuring him when he bullies and accuses. He knows very well that you don’t feel superior and are a kind, appreciative spouse.

@Shs726, there is no loyalty or cherishment here, only misogyny and meanness. Staying with this abuser would be an exercise in
self-harm. Surely it is game over now.

Have you seen/heard him be misogynistic to others?

Criticising other women at work? Or in the street? One rule for men and another for women (sex before marriage for example). Or expectations in the home or how he expects mothers to behave. Or his families behaviour or beliefs.

If you think about his past comments and behaviour there may be more examples. I doubt this is new behaviour for him.

You should leave, he is displaying contempt.

You can't get past this except by leaving and moving on. Get out before you have children. He hates you.

Wow you have the financial independence to do whatever you want and your living your life with a pathetic man child, how on earth people put up with this kind of behaviour from someone that is supposed to be the deepest, loving and most supportive relationship an adult person has in their life I will never know.

Honestly, this man is not just jealous he is behaving like he doesn’t even like you.

Your gut is already telling you it’s over and you need to leave, listen to it, get a pet, find joy.

No I haven’t. It’s as his whole problem is just with me.

Leave him now. It will only get worse. Thankfully you do not have any children by him which would give him more ammunition to trap you.

His problem isn't 'just with you', it's with his attitude. Leave now.

2 things

1.The longer you stay in the marriage the more of your assets he will take in the divorce.

1. I predict your divorce will not be amiable when it does happen so make sure you have a shit hot lawyer.

Do you have children with him?
OP this man sounds horrendous. You deserve better.

You need to end this marriage as soon as possible. He is horrible and abusive and will get worse.

You mention culture in your first post OP. If you out earn him then he probably is jealous. If it's considered the "man's job" to be the provider in his culture then he no doubt does hold misogynistic points of view, even if he's never really shown them previously. He no doubt feels 'emasculated' that his wife earns more, no matter how ridiculous that is in 2020 UK. It sounds as though his bitterness is overwhelming him. He's not showing you love and seems he doesn't even like you much. Believe me, life is too short to be unhappy and abused. Think seriously about whether you want this to be your life going forward, as he's unlikely to change if these are deep held cultural beliefs. If anything, it'll just get worse.

Do not get pregnant.

Agreed. Please, please do not get pregnant with this man. At the moment you are in a great position to leave him - you have your own place you could move into, you have savings, you could start afresh and have a whole new life ahead of you. Once you have children you will be tied to him forever, and the abuse will get worse and worse.

You're currently in "how do I fix him?" mindset.

You can't and won't be able to make him reasonable about this as when he is angry, he's exposing his actual mindset.

Do not have children. He's been sloppy in having ramped up the abuse before you're tied to him forever.

It doesn’t matter what we think he thinks.

What matters is you leave this appalling, abusive, substandard man.

Terrible.

He should be jealous of your civilized and respectful composure.

Speaking like that to a wife and lover is unforgivable.
You should leave and divorce with as little fuss as you can muster.

God why did you marry him OP?! He sounds disgusting. Get a solicitor quick and get out, he won’t change, it will get worse. His masculinity is threatened by your success. A loving husband would never make these comments about his wife. He should be proud and supportive of you.

The comments about your body and his ex are totally horrible. I’m not sure I could ever get over that. And saying you slept your way to the top not only undermines you but comes across as once again horrible.

I don’t think it matters if some of his behaviour is driven by jealousy or if he simply is a nasty person showing his true colours in a relatively short marriage. The fact is this is who he is and he will not get better. If you stay with him you can expect any nasty comment thrown at you in an argument.

I don’t think this is at all fixable! You are only 34, it’s plenty of time to start afresh. Your husband should be your biggest supporter, proud of his hard working wife and telling you how beautiful he thinks you are. Yes arguments do happen but the things he is saying to you are not how normal couples argue - they’re verbally abusive and mean.

Mr friend’s H behaved the self same towards her and she left him. She’d had an arranged marriage. You will ultimately need to do the same.

You cannot fix him, this is who he really is.

He is probably all sweetness and light to those in the outside world and indeed his abuse of you is solely for you too.

Abuse thrives in secrecy and is not solely physical in nature. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

I don’t think he’s jealous. I think he’s angry and despises you. His comment about you sleeping to the top is very telling - a loving husband would assume that his wife earned 150k in her early 30s because she is intelligent, talented and worked hard. His comment about your body and ex is revolting.

I wonder if he thinks that paying the mortgage means that you have no claim on the house if you split? It doesn’t work like that as you’re married but just a thought as he’s clearly angry at you.

Id be devastated if my husband said this to me. We have 6 kids and my body won't get back down to a size 12 again. I'm a few more than that, but he said he loves my body and when I said I have a big belly, he said you have a cute mum tum that has birthed me amazing children. Now I feel better about myself. And that's what your husband should be doing for you.
What's the culture that you couldn't live together after marriage?
What a pig saying you slept your way to get up the career ladder.
Honestly, thank God, you have no kids with this slimeball and move on! You can do better

Oh and he thinks you think youre better than him.

Oh honey, you are better than him!

Hey youre just mid 30s you can easily find someone else. Divorce time! ⏰️

My 16 year old daughter ended up in a relationship where her boyfriend constantly put her down due to his own insecurities. He was indeed correct she was way better than him in a lot of ways, I’m sure if he had some decent character traits he could have evaluated his strengths too instead of needing to knock her down, but being the way it was she was by far the better person because she would never dream of doing to him what he was doing to her. You sound like you are in a very similar situation with a very similar character expect because you are later in your life you’ve had the misfortune of marrying.

Thankfully my daughter eventually dumped him, the poisonous crud still tries to take things out on her due to his own character weaknesses but now she sees him as he is and it doesn’t affect her.

These types don’t learn and they don’t change, you need to get out of this relationship because having a child with a man of poor character is much, much worse than being married to one. Things are not going to get better.

It just doesn’t matter whether he is saying these things and behaving this way because he is jealous or for any other reason. You don’t need to understand it. What you need to understand is that he is an arsehole and you should leave him. No one should talk you to like this. Ever. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who treats you this way?

Hi OP,

Your post is familiar, have you posted about your husband before? He wants a child and for you to stop working, pointing out other couples who have done the same, but you have doubts about the size of the flat and could afford more outside of London?

There was also something about a savings plan that he didn't stick to leaving you to be the financially responsible one & save for the pair of you.

If you are the same poster, people told you to leave then because you are effectively subsidising this man's life with no recognition or thanks. If not, my apologies.for the confusion, but I stand with the PP, you should LTB.

Op, why are you staying with such an abusive insecure little man, we are in a similar situation and my husband is nothing but proud. I’m assuming no kids, you don’t need to be with him financially. Who gives a shit what causes his abuse, even if you earned half of what he does you know full well he’d be the same, but reminding you how you live off him. Abusers are abusers, that’s just the long and short of it, they always find a way. A reason.

end it, find someone decent.

It doesn't matter what his reasons are. He may well be jealous, or misogynistic, or a disgusting person who doesn't like you very much judging by the way he's spoken to you.

The point is now that he's shown you what he thinks of you, and now you know, you need to decide if you want to choose to stay married to him or not. I don't think many people would choose to marry that given how he treats you - and it's 100% your choice whether you want to stay married or stop being married.

FWIW two of my relatives have divorced because of the husbands behaviour and are SO much happier now. They're single and infinitely happier alone than with a negative person dragging them down.

Wish you all the best!