Is it just me who thinks it's overkill?

[Jinglewhenijangle]

I've been single for about 5 years. I've dated in that time but found nothing has ever really been quite right for me during this time. I've not given up on the hope of meeting someone who I click with just yet, so will keep dipping my toe in here and there.

Personally, I'm a person who is fairly comfortable in my own company, so don't serial date or put too much emphasis on having to meet someone. I have a fairly busy life, as do many of us, and have my own little routine that you'd expect as a single adult. I'm not reliant on men for validation, or need to be around others to feel soothed. However, if the right kind of person came along, naturally I'd be open to change and welcoming of it too.

There is something I am struggling with. I seem to find the men I've been in contact with recently, mainly within my age bracket at least (35-40), seem to want to be in contact more or less all day every day. These may be men I've perhaps met once, wanting to text more or less every waking hour of the day. I'm aware I've been single a while, so it may just be that I'm out of practice, but I really don't feel the need to ask or be asked repeatedly 'how's your day going?', or 'what are you up to?', especially if I'm in work or maybe with a friend.

I understand connections are built by communication, and that showing interest is a positive thing in many way however, if you don't really know a person or have only met them once, what do you talk about all day and every day? Absolutely open to tips on that one.

I'm currently messaging a man of whom I've met once (will be meeting him again this week), he messages me literally every hour he's awake and then when I say I'm off to see a friend or something, he says that we can still talk or that I'm always trying to end the conversation. I commented recently that we'll run out of things to talk about at this rate, to which he got a bit snippy and said 'well, we're already screwed then aren't we!'

I just feel it's a bit of overkill to constantly want to speak to someone you don't know. I'm happy to chat about how our day has been, exchange conversations about anything interesting we've discovered or done, a stressful day etc however, I'd also like to have something to discuss the next time we meet, instead of already knowing how many times we've been to the toilet and what we each had for breakfast.

Is it just me who would prefer to have a good old chinwag in person and just pass the time of day etc via message, or am I wrong?

I don't know what's expected these days, but I wouldn't like that. It seems controlling like they want to keep tabs on what you are up to. And why aren't they too busy working? Why aren't they self-sufficient? Anyway, I agree, even if it's innocent, I would find it tedious.

@AudiobookListener I know! I can't have my phone on me during work hours, so can't have frequent conversations anyway. I do feel uncomfortable that they expect so much of your undivided time.

Thanks for commenting, was thinking it was just me!

Urgh, it's my most hated thing about online dating, men saying "morning, gorgeous", or even worse "morning, trouble" every day, when you've barely met...I'm currently chatting to a guy, who realistically I may never meet, but we chat every few days, if one of us has something interesting to say.

I have a WhatsApp family group chat, dps retired, dsis works termtime part time, I work full time plus - I mute their chat cos I'm busy so I'm not sure why a guy i hardly know expects to chat all day!

Im like you, very content, a guy would be to compliment my life, not complete it - i expect to be waiting a while!

Why don't you explain that you're busy but happy to chat in the evening or whenever suits you? That you're not much of a texter and prefer meeting for a chat.

That bloke you're currently texting sounds like a wrong 'un. A good indicator is how a man reacts to boundaries.

@Lovelynames123 I didn't meet this guy on an app, although I completely agree with what you have said. I do dabble on the apps and don't even respond to the "hi gorgeous" messages, at least use my name!

Yes definitely agree with your last line and love the sentiment. One thing I will note, on the apps they all claim to have all these interests, yet clam up when you approach a conversation about. Weird.

@MiloMinderbinder925 I do obviously make it known if I'm busy. I just don't have the want to speak to anyone every moment of the day. I also don't really think that's normal. It's not exclusive to this man either. I think the problem is, mobiles make us too accessible these days.

Mobiles do make us too accessible (not mine, it's been muted for the last 10 days!) but also, I think, too many men view women as service providers - providing an unpaid service, while they still expect us to be available as and when they want. I'm pretty sure this is why most phone sex services have gone out of business, the tight-wads get it for free!

Since you are somewhat interested in dating, I think you'll just have to be a lot firmer on this. It's part of burning your haystack: throw out the ones demanding constant attention.

I think it’s hard for men to know what women expect sometimes. Tell him how you fell.

@GarlicLitre yes just a case of pulling out the weeds I guess. I do feel there's something in the service provider comment too, I feel like many of them look to us to massage their ego and boost confidence. Maybe the same can be said vice versa though.

@DelilahMy I have made my thoughts known. I have no issues doing this whatsoever.

@Jinglewhenijangle yes, they're all paddle boarding hiking wild campers until you meet them and turns out they'll maybe walk to the pub at the end of their road...I don't know why every man on OLD claims these as their hobbies, I know it's trendy, but I, and probably a lot of woman, just want a normal guy who does normal, sociable things (which may include some hiking, but honestly, are men really hiking and camping every weekend?!)

That would make me feel really claustrophobic. Actually, it would be a bit of a red flag for me. It’s either needy or controlling, neither of which is attractive.

@Lovelynames123 this comment has made me laugh!!

You are exactly right; I'm not looking for an on trend man, just a man I can have good conversation with and enjoy their company.

@maudelovesharold claustrophobic is a good way to describe it.

Don't think it's anything you've done wrong or that you need to change your messaging style or preferences.

If you're meeting strangers, a very high percentage of them are going to come across as very socially inept. Just screen them out ASAP to avoid them draining your time and energy.

In my 20's I didn't mind having a few "random" contacts, but as I've got older I don't have the stamina for these.

I used to think "give someone a chance" if they were 75% Ok on paper, but now I agree with the Burnt Haystack (especially as I'm busy with my own stuff).

If someone is on the apps and available and has reasonable social skills, they'll meet someone reasonably soon. The people left over and constantly active often are odd or weird or "mainly" Ok on paper but also needy or intense or isolated.

Some people (men and women) are incredibly bad listeners and just want to talk "at" people in a stream of consciousness way, or trauma-dump, or soothe anxiety or boredom by a constant string of messages.

They're not people who are social butterflies and enjoy conversation, they are not actually listening to the other person?

I don't think it's something you can change? I've known older people like this and you can TRY to start a new conversational topic, but they clearly just can't switch gears/process a different communication style.

I found this. Even when men had a full-time job and they were at work, they would chat by text all day long. I stopped giving my number out until after we met and arranged another date and that helped. Obviously that’s if you have met them on an app and can chat with them on there in the evening.

I think the obvious answer is that they’re hoping for a ‘I’m really horny right now’ response from you 🤮.

@BreezyLemonStork I appreciate your comment. Thank you for your input.

@Sundaykitchen Do you find some become pushy, when you tell them you don't want to exchange numbers yet? I have always exchanged before meeting IRL, but have held off and some become persistent about it. I obviously they block and move along.

I didn't meet this guy on the apps, he was actually in my school but in a different year group and we have acquaintances in common. I was out one evening and bumped into them. I'm really glad I'm not alone here. I was starting to think it was me being too cold or not wanting it in a big enough way to put the effort in.

It’s weird, I’m really independent usually but when I’m in a relationship I do like getting texts throughout the day. Saying that, that’s when I like someone and want it to go somewhere.

" I'm really glad I'm not alone here. I was starting to think it was me being too cold or not wanting it in a big enough way to put the effort in."

With this form of "communication" it's not actually about enthusiasm or being keen on someone IMO.

The quantity of messages doesn't correlate to any actual keenness. They just like messaging! (which requires ZERO effort).

With this type, I've sometimes tried to steer communication towards "Let's have a video or phone call" or "Let's do a quick coffee over next couple days".

If they're genuinely keen on me or keen on connecting, they should respond well, right? I'm childfree and date similar, so there shouldn't be massive scheduling challenges.

This type NEVER responds well to that kind of request....its like they're addicted to messaging or find it easier as an anxiety thing.

You've met once (or not at all) and they want you to turn into a convenient ego boost/chatbot.

There are women who also prefer virtual relationships/endless "talking" (that is actually messaging, not speaking on the phone) to be fair!

But this type of person should stick to each other. Or possibly Chat GPT.

Being in constant contact all the time is to manipulate you and to create a false sense of intimacy

@iamnotalemon no issues with exchanging messages when I'm available to do so. It's the constant pressure to do so every hour I dislike. I find it very needy to want someone else's attention every hour my eyes are open.

@BreezyLemonStork we do have plans to meet again this week. He has a child however, so I'm respectful of the fact he has priorities. It's the mind numbing "what are you up to" and "how's your day going" 10 times a day that does it for me.

I don't expect us to have much to talk about until we have some kind of bond, but that doesn't come through constantly asking me what I'm doing with my day. I have tried to broaden the conversation with this man but he just seems to struggle over messages, much better in person.

I think some guys feel by texting they are showing interest. My DP was very keen at the start. It was overwhelming. I told him and he calmed down. he said he was excited to chat to me.

now I am lucky to get a reply.

I really appreciate the comments on this thread. I've had the most sensible, insightful responses.

I guess I'll just have to meet a few more frogs but the right one pops up. All in good time.

I think some guys feel by texting they are showing interest.

I think this is part of it. They may well be getting dating advice that tells them to do this. And to be fair, MN for example is full of women saying they want to be chased, want the man to be the one putting effort in, the man must initiate contact, I haven't had a good night/good morning text I'm going to fall apart, don't ever text a man first you'll look desperate, if you don't hear from him he's not interested etc. I think it's bullshit, and obviously so do you, but a lot of loud voices spout this stuff.

The bloke you're chatting to though just sounds boring, tiresome and needy. And glued to his phone.

I think they've been once, or would like to go hiking/paddle boarding one day and in their minds it's enough to constitute a hobby 🤣. If all these men really were out every weekend doing these things then the countryside would be like Piccadilly Circus... but it's not!