Is it just me who thinks it's overkill?

[Jinglewhenijangle]

I've been single for about 5 years. I've dated in that time but found nothing has ever really been quite right for me during this time. I've not given up on the hope of meeting someone who I click with just yet, so will keep dipping my toe in here and there.

Personally, I'm a person who is fairly comfortable in my own company, so don't serial date or put too much emphasis on having to meet someone. I have a fairly busy life, as do many of us, and have my own little routine that you'd expect as a single adult. I'm not reliant on men for validation, or need to be around others to feel soothed. However, if the right kind of person came along, naturally I'd be open to change and welcoming of it too.

There is something I am struggling with. I seem to find the men I've been in contact with recently, mainly within my age bracket at least (35-40), seem to want to be in contact more or less all day every day. These may be men I've perhaps met once, wanting to text more or less every waking hour of the day. I'm aware I've been single a while, so it may just be that I'm out of practice, but I really don't feel the need to ask or be asked repeatedly 'how's your day going?', or 'what are you up to?', especially if I'm in work or maybe with a friend.

I understand connections are built by communication, and that showing interest is a positive thing in many way however, if you don't really know a person or have only met them once, what do you talk about all day and every day? Absolutely open to tips on that one.

I'm currently messaging a man of whom I've met once (will be meeting him again this week), he messages me literally every hour he's awake and then when I say I'm off to see a friend or something, he says that we can still talk or that I'm always trying to end the conversation. I commented recently that we'll run out of things to talk about at this rate, to which he got a bit snippy and said 'well, we're already screwed then aren't we!'

I just feel it's a bit of overkill to constantly want to speak to someone you don't know. I'm happy to chat about how our day has been, exchange conversations about anything interesting we've discovered or done, a stressful day etc however, I'd also like to have something to discuss the next time we meet, instead of already knowing how many times we've been to the toilet and what we each had for breakfast.

Is it just me who would prefer to have a good old chinwag in person and just pass the time of day etc via message, or am I wrong?

That would drive me insane. I like to focus on one thing at a time - the thing I'm doing.

Years ago, before mobile phones even existed, I was madly in love with a man. Never felt so overwhelmed by feelings. But he rang me at work for a chat one day. I just said, 'I'm busy' and hung up. It really put me off that he thought I would just stop focusing on work and chat with him.

How rude and egotistical this man is to think that barraging you with inane 'How's your day going?' messages will win you over. It's invasive and shows no respect for you and what you do when not with him.

How empty is his life that he has time to send this inane chat all day long? I half wonder if there is some app men download that pesters women with chatbot bland questions every 40 mins to try to keep us in a permanent state of distraction.

Can you put something on your profile to say something along the lines of I am warm and friendly but like me time and need a man who is equally comfortable in his own skin and with his own company? It may either put off or at least modify the behaviour of the clingy ones and stop them wasting your time....

@Cinaferna my job is in a mental health unit too, so my phone is not on me. I just check it on breaks and when I use the toilet. I'm on annual leave at the moment, and have found if I say I'm doing something with a friend/relative he seems to message me back more and even quicker. I feel like perhaps he's fighting for my attention, yet has quite a lot of it. I've made a point of sticking to brief messages exchanged every couple of hours now, I will ask questions and if the response from him doesn't flow, I don't respond. I will then get a message about 20 minutes later asking something. As soon as it goes dry again, I end the conversation or don't respond. A friend has said it sounds like he's not used to sensible, self aware women and it's maybe bruising his ego. Either way, it's putting me right off. Again though, it's not exclusive to just him and I do think people think you should just be available to them 24/7 via phone. I'm glad you get it, honestly thought I was just being miserable.

@Sunshineandgrapefruit I didn't meet this man on an app. However, when I am on the apps, I make sure my points and boundaries are clear.

This!!!!
It's a type of lovebombing/ escalating the relationship
Red flag!

@NamechangeNightNurse I definitely 100% think in some cases this is the case. I don't think this is the case for all though. I think in society today and the generation we are in, we have so many unhealed, emotionally dependent, self conscious people, that they feel the need to seek constant validation from others. Much easier to do these days, with phones being in most people's hands a large percentage of the day. If anything, it leaves them vulnerable and open to abuse.

I feel there are several reasons for this. It's not a one size fits all, but this IS also one of the reasons people initiate this behaviour.

I agree with you OP that this is so off putting. It makes you think that this is a man with not much going on in his life looking for a woman to entertain him/fill the void! And no real responsibilities and a very low stakes job (which sounds very different to your position).

Messages like this also made me feel pressurised and defensive (feeling that I had to account for my time) before I realised that I could just ignore any message that didn’t give me a good feeling.

If you’ve told him you are with a friend, etc and he keeps texting - just ignore them. You don’t have to explain yourself. Only reply at a convenient time and if there is anything to actually reply to.

@wfhwfh yes I think some people do expect you to explain why you're not constantly on the blower to them. I think they overestimate their part in your life.

Yes I have been doing this. I do find that I usually get another message asking me a question, often around 20 minutes later. If the conversation doesn't flow, I no longer respond.

"Is it just me who thinks it's overkill?" - absolutely not, OP. It's madness. I've often read threads on there where a woman is unsure if a man is keen as he's been texting her every day then tails off etc etc or you hear women exasperated with online dating as they get inane chatter constantly from the men but when they suggest meeting up in person the man cuts off contact.

Baffled, I asked my other half what he thought was behind it - and his response was "They want a mummy"

I think he has a point - they find it comforting, like constant attention when they were children but it's all one way, they don't want a grown-up relationship with an independent woman.

One experience that stands out to me was a man I was going to go on a date with. Highlights included:

• Him Missing me after me not texting him back for 3hrs
• Apparently I wasn't very chatty to him when I told him I was on a night out with a friend, yep I'm with my friend.
• He thought waiting three days to meet me was to much of a long time.
• Him asking to facetime me while I was cooking sunday dinner. No what is wrong with meeting someone on a date not when they look shit because they have been busy all day.

He drove me nuts, I just finished it before we met and then blocked him, even then he tried messaging me on another phone.

I had one to who jusy kept asking for more and more pictures. I said no in the end and told him he wasn't for me.

@PoliteRaven I think your OH is right, they need someone to use as like a comfort blanket almost. They need to feel wanted or important. I've no issue with this, provided it's when they actually are an important and relevant part of my life. Not demanding constant reassurance and attention.

@aCatCalledFawkes the picture thing. I had a guy who constantly sent me selfies all the time! Just wanted to be told how amazing he looked I think. Not sure why I'd want pictures of someone I don't know. Maybe he was hoping I'd put them in a frame 😂

I think this would just be a 'no' for me about that man and would mean we were not compatible - but if you really like them perhaps worth a really honest conversation about it. They may have thought women want this!

My husband can barely cope with me messaging him once while he is busy during the day - these messages have absolutely zilch to do with any sort of genuine getting to know someone.

I'm currently messaging a man of whom I've met once (will be meeting him again this week), he messages me literally every hour he's awake and then when I say I'm off to see a friend or something, he says that we can still talk or that I'm always trying to end the conversation. I commented recently that we'll run out of things to talk about at this rate, to which he got a bit snippy and said 'well, we're already screwed then aren't we!'

@Jinglewhenijangle

It all sounds very draining, he obviously didn't get the hint and you're having to think about what you say and how you say it. Every hour every day when you've only met once is completely out of the bounds of all reason. Hope your second meeting with him goes okay this week, maybe you'll get more of a sense of if it's got legs.

How did these people manage before mobile phones?! I'm trying to think if 35-40 age group were adults before mobile phones were so ubiquitous. I'm late 40s and think got my first phone around early 2000s so I guess the 35-40 group grew up with mobiles. Even so, when they first came in, I only used mine judiciously and remember thinking people seemed very needy who were constantly talking to people, on buses etc... though an actual phone conversation would be less draining than constant texting. I find texting back and forth v draining plus as you said earlier - not everyone in your life has the right to demand constant messages.

It's a v strange phenomenon - there's been a lot of blurring of boundaries with so much of our day to day existence being online and/ or 24/7 messaging capability of mobile phones.

@waterrat

😂my other half is the same.

And this is the key point -- these messages have absolutely zilch to do with any sort of genuine getting to know someone.

It amazes me that relative strangers think they are entitled to huge swathes of other people's time.... just passing time for the sake of it. What a mad world.

I’m in a long term relationship so haven’t been OLD in a few years but I remember experiencing the same. It used to annoy the fuck out of me. It’s usually women who get a reputation for being clingy and insecure, but men can be just as bad, if not worse!!

I'm exactly the same - it's nice to keep a bit of mystery going!

Yes the constant good morning beautiful.. wanting a selfie to 'brighten my day' and the good night too.

Way too much and I cant be arsed to take selfies either esp when I look a mess.

Also I feel its a bit controlling wanting to know what youre up to or worse 'joking' when youre seeing friends and dont respond. Red flags written all over that.

I agree. Many years ago I dated a guy I worked with. One weekday evening, quite a few of us girls were taking a workmate out for a meal at a local restaurant because he was retiring. I had just got in from work and was looking forward to putting my feet up before getting ready for the evening meal when my phone rang and it was the guy I was dating. I had been working with him all day! I think that was the last straw for me and I dumped him the following evening. I found it way too stifling!

I agree. Many years ago I dated a guy I worked with. One weekday evening, quite a few of us girls were taking a workmate out for a meal at a local restaurant because he was retiring. I had just got in from work and was looking forward to putting my feet up before getting ready for the evening meal when my phone rang and it was the guy I was dating. I had been working with him all day! I think that was the last straw for me and I dumped him the following evening. I found it way too stifling!

Sounds controlling tbh if your out with other people there not going be impressed you chatting on the phone. Seems a bit needy as well. I would be looking elsewhere if I was you before he suffocates you.

Maybe they can sense you're not that bothered so their primal instinct to chase and "win" you takes over. Mostly it's just a game to some men, the minute you start to reply all the time, they will back off.

All that said when you meet someone you really click with the banter back and forth throughout the day can be great, so maybe they're really not for you.

Again thank you for the comments here. Some of them have really made me laugh and made me feel so much better. I am SO relieved it isn't just me thinking it's odd and OTT.

It has literally come to the point I think pulling teeth would be more fun, rather than attempting to converse with this man. We literally have absolutely nothing in common or any shared interests. I've cancelled our plans to meet again and will put it down to experience, feeling much more reassured about the whole situation.

Think you've done the right thing, OP. Life's too short.

The more I think about it, the more annoyed I'm getting on other people's behalf - and the limited experience of myself - these people are just so intrusive and demanding but there are so many of them it seems like it's been almost normalised but it shouldn't be.

It's reminded me of that Spike Jonze film Her about a guy that falls in love with an AI digital assistant, it wasn't sinister as I recall but she was always in his ear and available. I think this is what these guys really want - an AI girlfriend, permanently available, don't have any personality or needs of their own😂🙄

@PoliteRaven I'm going to check this film out! And if that's what they do want, no wonder I'm single 🤣