How do you meet men outside of online dating?

[Kumquatzest]

I'm 30 and I'm looking for a committed long-term relationship. I don't feel comfortable with online dating and I'd prefer to meet men the old-fashioned way. The problem is that men never approach me IRL, ask me on a date or ask for my number. I'm the first to admit that I'm no beauty queen, but I am in decent shape, I eat healthily and I go to the gym. So I don't really understand why men aren't approaching me - am I really that unattractive? Has the culture completely shifted to dating via apps?

I also have ASD and I am a shy and introverted person with a small social circle. When I do see men I'm interested in, I'm too nervous to approach them. I also live in a rural area so unfortunately the choice of social groups, clubs etc here is limited and meeting new people isn't easy.

What should I do?

The culture has changed, because men have learned that going up to a woman randomly in public and asking her out is akin to harassment.

Don't expect to just go about your day expecting men to ask you out.

Pubs and wine barss are a great way to meet single men as are cycling and motorbike groups and meet-up groups

Do any activity or interest that involves actively doing something - they will have more men in them. Nature conservation, photography and cycling all attract men. There must be something near where you live. As you are rural, join your local county wildlife trust. They run lots of events and attract good people, including men.

I think it's basically been banned now, sorry. We're all condemned to the apps, unless you're in a church group or something.

I wouldn’t want some random man approaching me and chatting me up and decent guys probably know that’s weird. Also if you are too nervous to talk to them, they are also possibly too nervous to talk to you. Plus beyond a certain age, realistically you might have a partner so the chances of you being single are 50/50 and no one likes getting rejected just talking to someone they don’t know.

I met dh around your age through work friends on an after work drinks thing at a bar. Dh worked with my friend’s partner. We got to talking as we were part of the same group and became friends and the rest is history.

Decent men won't randomly approach women going about their day. So even if you did get a guy asking you for your number in a bar or gym, the chances are he'd be a creep.

For what it's worth, online dating never did work for me either. I actually need a visual and to chat with someone a while before I can decide whether to date them or not. You might like speed-dating, is that still a thing speed-dating? They all congregate for drinks afterwards, so you get a good opportunity to chat then.

There's also no point anyone giving advice who hasn't dated since Covid, btw. I'm not calling you old! It's just you might not realised that the landscape has COMPLETELY changed from before 2020.

Some random man chatting you up? That’s how we met people in the 70s/80s/90s 🤣
With a good pinch of flirting too!

Of course there were also lonely hearts ads!

You list a number of things that make it more of a challenge for you. So really taking that all into account, OLD will be the only way (unless a magical chance encounter).
Or through people you already know.

Other hobby suggestions include martial arts and sailing.
Volunteering as a police special constable is another.
Really with hobbies/ interests it also depends on what type of man you are looking to meet.
(Lots of ASD compatibility in martial arts imo)

Join interest groups etc that will have male members, in your case living rurally, perhaps the Young Farmers, local rugby club supporters, local political groups, rotary club etc etc.
Have you got any local Am Drama or operatic group, choir (though these are often mainly female, unless you are in Wales of course!) or if you play an instrument join a music group. Vintage and classic car owners groups are another idea, you can be interested in purchasing one if you don't own a vehicle!
What area of the country are you in @Kumquatzest, that might bring out more ideas?

Surprised no one has mentioned ramblers/hiking group, this is the usual one that gets mentioned. From the amount of times it gets mentioned you'd assume it's some sort of swingers club. I imagine that in reality no one is single at a hiking group, it's just a trope that they're very sociable and shagging each other.

Record shops/record fairs are usually full of men pursuing a hobby. Probably an easy place to strike up a conversation too.

Going to the same place regularly so you get to know people there is a good way in. My DH and I were neighbours who slowly became friends/best friends/us by seeing each other on walks. The local pub/wine bar, or quiz night, or clubs like a running club or a kayaking club.

Are there any towns or cities that are nearby / commutable?If theres no groups nearby, expand your search area. Prioritise groups that you have an interest in or / and consider an evening college course.

Asking friends if there partners have any friends they could set you up with is also worth considering.

Church activities - especially bell ringing!!!

I think the trick is to put yourself in situations where conversation happens as an organic part of the event, rather than an artificial 'do you come here often?' approach, so... every suggestion above.

And don't be shy about letting friends know you're trying to expand your dating circle. I met DH through mutual friends who were dying to set me up with him but didn't want to offend me by suggesting it until I explicitly said, I am sick of online dating, do you know any nice single men? He invited me to a sporting event where we had to chat about what was going on and bingo, ten years on, very happily married.

I meet lots of men at the various groups and socials I go to in Glastonbury. I haven't met a single one I could consider going out with yet. I got chatting to one at a meet up and thought he looked quite nice. He talked about himself for two hours. He didn't even ask my name. I lost the will to live and went home.

What a shame that you can’t be chatted up any more. Nothing nicer than catching the eye of someone in a bar who comes over to buy you a drink or have a chat…much nicer to send someone a text on tinder and meet for a fuck! And they say romance is dead!

Sadly, it is in the 1970s anymore.

If a man in the workplace went up to a woman and simply said, 'I think you look lovely in that dress', he may very well be in the world of trouble.

@Kumquatzest I think you are going about it the wrong way, or with too much expectation attached. I would suggest getting comfortable speaking to people first, with no agenda. Make a target to speak to 10 random people per day of either sex, just smile and say hello.

After a week, or when it doesn't feel intimidating, try adding a random comment about the weather. Smile, hello, hot today isn't it? 10 people per day for a week, or until you feel comfortable.

The beauty is that this is an exercise for you. They don't even need to respond. Nice if they do, but since your objective is to speak to them it doesn't matter if they say anything, you can just carry on about your business. In a way, it's almost better to just carry on before they've had a chance to respond.

Eventually, you can expand one more sentence, and after a while, making conversation will be easy.

Then just pick people you like tge look of and say hi. Don't expect anything. If they respond, so much the better.

If it is any consolation, my wife and I didn't get together until we were in our 40s.

The moral of the story is that you have to go to social events.

I think some people are a bit naive of the landscape now (post Covid). When I looked at evening courses they had moved to online only, so pointless if your aim is to meet people.

As @Sellenis said Covid changed everything. Covid is the single worst thing to have happened to this country since WW2.

Another vote for Young Farmers. I also volunteered with the Woodcraft Folk and that tends to be quite long term so you get to know people. And the sports club I used to be part of was an absolute meat market, everybody was marrying and having affairs with everybody else, which is why I prefer online dating personally.

I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t advise any woman to set a target to speak to ten strangers a day with a smile and eye contact.