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Original poster

Apologising- differing views causing friction.

40 replies

whycantheapologise · 24/08/2025 08:25

I’ve been with my husband for 30 years and this has been an issue on and off. We’ve argued 3 times about it over the last few weeks and I’m interested in hearing opinions.

I’m quick to apologise. It’s not a huge loaded word to me. I’ll apologise if I’m in the wrong and if I’ve done something by accident.

My husband struggles with sorry. He will say it for bigger things where he’s at fault although it can take some time for him to say the word which annoys me. But it’s the little stuff that’s causing the issues- a few examples…

  • he spilt stuff all over a sofa cushion. It was an accident . He put an aerosol can on it and it fell in its side and leaked. The cushion is stained. He didn’t feel the need to apologise as it was an accident and he doesn’t feel he’s at fault. He said he was as annoyed as I was by it but that it wasn’t his fault.
  • we at my son’s uni flat and had taken a note of all the things we need to get for him. 3 months later I was going mad trying the find the note- had I written it/was it on my phone? I spent ages looking and got annoyed at myself for being disorganised. Turns out he had noted it on his phone. No apology. Though I told him how long I’d spent looking.
  • he put keys out for the kids under a plant pot. Hadn’t told me they were my house keys. I spent time looking for them (didn’t tell him at the time as I thought he’d be annoyed I’d lost them). No apology as he hadn’t realised they were mine/was in a hurry and then had forgotten he’d done it.

His mum who I have a bit of a checkered history never apologises either and I feel it’s the way he’s been brought up. But I’ve told him how just an acknowledgment of my feelings by saying sorry means a lot and takes the sting out of whatever has happened. We argue more about this than anything. It feels like I’m telling him until I’m blue in the face but it just seems sorry is a hard word for him. He says he doesn’t expect me to say it for stuff I didn’t do on purpose. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 24/08/2025 08:34

He sounds a bit thoughtless, but not worth having arguments about. If you’re constantly having an argument about this, he has no desire to change.

TrustedTheWrongFart · 24/08/2025 08:40

What do you want him to be sorry for? The actions or the way you feel after the event?

EG for your first example, he doesn’t feel he is to blame, it was accidental. Saying sorry is an admission of fault. So do you want a “sorry the aerosol spilled” or a “sorry that you are annoyed about the cushion”?

Original poster
whycantheapologise · 24/08/2025 08:47

PersephoneParlormaid · 24/08/2025 08:34

He sounds a bit thoughtless, but not worth having arguments about. If you’re constantly having an argument about this, he has no desire to change.

Yes. I agree. It’s frustrating as he seems to take it on board then goes back to it. Old habits…

OP posts:
Original poster
whycantheapologise · 24/08/2025 08:49

TrustedTheWrongFart · 24/08/2025 08:40

What do you want him to be sorry for? The actions or the way you feel after the event?

EG for your first example, he doesn’t feel he is to blame, it was accidental. Saying sorry is an admission of fault. So do you want a “sorry the aerosol spilled” or a “sorry that you are annoyed about the cushion”?

I think you’ve got the same view as my husband! I think it’s sorry I caused this accidentally. So acknowledgement of the f up even though it was inadvertent. He did cause it to happen.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 24/08/2025 08:52

The sofa situation was an accident. He isn’t a child apologising to his mum for being naughty and ruining the sofa.

The list situation, unless you were asking him about the list and he was actively hiding the fact that he had it was just poor communication by you both.

The key situation was a bit silly and thoughtless but again was just poor communication by you both. He should have mentioned he’d moved your key and you could have easily solved the situation by asking him if he’d seen your key.

Original poster
whycantheapologise · 24/08/2025 08:55

@DaisyChain505 probably a fair summary and why I love this forum 🤣

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 24/08/2025 09:00

It’s difficult isn’t it. A cultural difference between you that hasn’t changed in 30 years and clearly isn’t going to.

How about you stop apologising? Tbh that makes as much sense as him starting to, and will be as difficult. But he probably finds it annoying when you say sorry for things that in his mind, aren’t your fault or that you don’t sincerely feel sorry for - you’re trying to prevent him getting angry, not really apologetic (I’m trying to understand what he might be thinking, not thinking this myself).

Enko · 24/08/2025 09:03

DaisyChain505 · 24/08/2025 08:52

The sofa situation was an accident. He isn’t a child apologising to his mum for being naughty and ruining the sofa.

The list situation, unless you were asking him about the list and he was actively hiding the fact that he had it was just poor communication by you both.

The key situation was a bit silly and thoughtless but again was just poor communication by you both. He should have mentioned he’d moved your key and you could have easily solved the situation by asking him if he’d seen your key.

I agree with this.

Your point 1 and 2 I would not have apologised for or expected dh to apologise for.
No 3 yes I would expect a "oh in sorry that was thoughtless of me" however if dh had not I wouldn't have felt resentment over it

TheCurious0range · 24/08/2025 09:04

TrustedTheWrongFart · 24/08/2025 08:40

What do you want him to be sorry for? The actions or the way you feel after the event?

EG for your first example, he doesn’t feel he is to blame, it was accidental. Saying sorry is an admission of fault. So do you want a “sorry the aerosol spilled” or a “sorry that you are annoyed about the cushion”?

I really disagree with this, saying sorry isn't about fault. If I accidentally dropped something heavy and it landed in DHs foot I would say sorry, I didn't mean it and I would be sorry he had been hurt, it wouldn't be my fault. I actually think there's less weight in apologising for something you meant to do, because you intended it, maybe you feel sorry later but in the moment you intended it

GreenAndWhiteStripes · 24/08/2025 09:04

OP, me and DH are just the same! I apologise easily to smooth things over, whereas to him apologising means that he is taking full responsibility for the situation. His parents also never apologise for anything.

We've discussed it in the past and we've both compromised a bit. He's now better at apologising, and I'm better at moving forward without an apology. We don't argue about it any more.

Owly11 · 24/08/2025 09:09

I’m with you on this one op, but I do think you need to change your behaviour too as you are being too passive. In the key situation I don’t accept that he didn’t realise they were your keys. I mean he was sure not to put his own keys out, wasn’t he? So whose keys did he think they were? He didn’t care because it wasn’t inconveniencing himself. But it did inconvenience you. However, your response of not raising it because you thought it was your fault is also a reaction that you need to work on. How can you properly hold him to account for his thoughtlessness if you are always assuming you are at fault. You need to get away from a fault mindset and be more assertive instead of bickering or trying to get him to see your point of view.

TwistedWonder · 24/08/2025 09:16

Enko · 24/08/2025 09:03

I agree with this.

Your point 1 and 2 I would not have apologised for or expected dh to apologise for.
No 3 yes I would expect a "oh in sorry that was thoughtless of me" however if dh had not I wouldn't have felt resentment over it

Show quote history

That’s his I feel. To me saying sorry is admitting you were wrong and to just apologise for every minor accident or slight is cheap and meaningless.

Mrsttcno1 · 24/08/2025 09:17

DaisyChain505 · 24/08/2025 08:52

The sofa situation was an accident. He isn’t a child apologising to his mum for being naughty and ruining the sofa.

The list situation, unless you were asking him about the list and he was actively hiding the fact that he had it was just poor communication by you both.

The key situation was a bit silly and thoughtless but again was just poor communication by you both. He should have mentioned he’d moved your key and you could have easily solved the situation by asking him if he’d seen your key.

I’m another who agrees with this.

Beachtastic · 24/08/2025 09:21

It depends, OP. My ex-DH was very much like this, but the real problem was that everything was always my fault. As long as that's not the issue, I think maybe learn to take his admission of culpability as a "sorry" even though the word is never used!

Ohlifelife · 24/08/2025 09:30

I set great store by good manners .
Certainly in the case of the sofa being damaged I would expect an " I'm really sorry that happened" type of comment. It's not an admission of fault. It's an acknowledgement that although it was an accident it has caused damage.

The other incidents you talk about I would be extremely upset about because they show he actually doesn't value your time or think you are worth any consideration. It's not the lack of apology that's the problem it's the fact it shows how little you count for anything in his view.

Original poster
whycantheapologise · 24/08/2025 09:43

Ohlifelife · 24/08/2025 09:30

I set great store by good manners .
Certainly in the case of the sofa being damaged I would expect an " I'm really sorry that happened" type of comment. It's not an admission of fault. It's an acknowledgement that although it was an accident it has caused damage.

The other incidents you talk about I would be extremely upset about because they show he actually doesn't value your time or think you are worth any consideration. It's not the lack of apology that's the problem it's the fact it shows how little you count for anything in his view.

Yes I think it was the lack of apology in the second two for causing me a lot of stress/lost time that really rankled.

OP posts:
Original poster
whycantheapologise · 24/08/2025 09:45

It’s really interesting to get people’s views on this. I think on reflection I can be more relaxed about the first situation. The other two I was more annoyed that he didn’t seem to acknowledge or be sorry he’d caused me stress and inconvenience. He maybe felt it but he didn’t articulate it. In his mind he wasn’t at fault as he didn’t mean it. So therefore no sorry.

OP posts:
Chemenger · 24/08/2025 09:45

It’s the same with DH and I, most of the time I can just let it wash over me but sometimes I do get upset. He would never apologise unless he has done something deliberately where there is a predictable bad result, so effectively never. Knocks over a cup of coffee on a brand new carpet? Not deliberate so not his fault. Forgets to fill the cat’s water bowl, just forgot, not deliberate so no apology needed. Breaks a piece of china with sentimental value - my fault for owning something breakable. He doesn’t accept that being sorry for an outcome of your actions or omissions, even if not intended is a thing worth expressing.

Most of his family is the same, nothing is their fault, ever. His mother washed an expensive jumper of mine on a hot wash - my fault for both owning something not made of polyester and also for putting it in the washing basket. I didn’t ask her to do washing. To be fair she offered to replace it, until she found out how much it cost, when “paying that much for a jumper” was added to my sins.

Cryingatthegym · 24/08/2025 09:48

I'm more like your husband. I was married to someone like you, and honestly found it exhausting. He constantly wanted me (and my daughter) to preempt how he might feel about things and to apologise for every minor or perceived slight. And because we weren't mind readers, we were constantly on the back foot and getting it wrong in his eyes. It felt like it boiled down to him seeing us as in the wrong/at fault and to blame for his feelings all the time.

I have no problem apologising for the bigger things. But these sorts of small daily accidents or miscommunications don't warrant an apology in my opinion.

Original poster
whycantheapologise · 24/08/2025 09:48

Owly11 · 24/08/2025 09:09

I’m with you on this one op, but I do think you need to change your behaviour too as you are being too passive. In the key situation I don’t accept that he didn’t realise they were your keys. I mean he was sure not to put his own keys out, wasn’t he? So whose keys did he think they were? He didn’t care because it wasn’t inconveniencing himself. But it did inconvenience you. However, your response of not raising it because you thought it was your fault is also a reaction that you need to work on. How can you properly hold him to account for his thoughtlessness if you are always assuming you are at fault. You need to get away from a fault mindset and be more assertive instead of bickering or trying to get him to see your point of view.

Yes this is interesting. I’m always mislaying my keys and he’s very understanding about it so I just didn’t want to admit to it AGAIN. The blame mindset is definitely an issue for me - I have autistic traits for sure and can be quite rigid in a right/wrong and black and white way. Which I am working on but in the heat of it it just kicks in- “Who’s fault is it”

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 24/08/2025 09:49

DP and DS are both like this. They absolutely will not say the word sorry. DP thinks he should only have to say it for things he has done deliberately, which means he never has to say it. It's been a problem for us for years.

Original poster
whycantheapologise · 24/08/2025 09:50

Cryingatthegym · 24/08/2025 09:48

I'm more like your husband. I was married to someone like you, and honestly found it exhausting. He constantly wanted me (and my daughter) to preempt how he might feel about things and to apologise for every minor or perceived slight. And because we weren't mind readers, we were constantly on the back foot and getting it wrong in his eyes. It felt like it boiled down to him seeing us as in the wrong/at fault and to blame for his feelings all the time.

I have no problem apologising for the bigger things. But these sorts of small daily accidents or miscommunications don't warrant an apology in my opinion.

Thanks. That is interesting and I’ll think about it.

OP posts:
Winederlust · 24/08/2025 09:53

I'm with the what is he actually apologising for crowd.
First example especially, it was an accident that could have happened to anyone and the damage was to something he owns equally with you. The cushion doesn't care if he's sorry!
Second one you had both clearly forgotten so I'm not sure what an apology would be for?
Last one I think is the only example where I would expect an apology because it's a direct action which has inconvenienced you, but I wouldn't make a song and dance about it.

bunnypenny · 24/08/2025 09:56

Double post

bunnypenny · 24/08/2025 09:56

For the second one, did he know you were looking for the notes and didn’t tell you he had them, or did you look for them for months and only once you’d told him you were looking for the notes, did he say “oh i have them”?

because if it’s the second, that’s not his fault at all and I don’t know what he’d be apologising for. If the first and he knew you were looking for them and didn’t say, then that’s twattish behaviour.