Apologising- differing views causing friction.

[whycantheapologise]

I’ve been with my husband for 30 years and this has been an issue on and off. We’ve argued 3 times about it over the last few weeks and I’m interested in hearing opinions.

I’m quick to apologise. It’s not a huge loaded word to me. I’ll apologise if I’m in the wrong and if I’ve done something by accident.

My husband struggles with sorry. He will say it for bigger things where he’s at fault although it can take some time for him to say the word which annoys me. But it’s the little stuff that’s causing the issues- a few examples…

• he spilt stuff all over a sofa cushion. It was an accident . He put an aerosol can on it and it fell in its side and leaked. The cushion is stained. He didn’t feel the need to apologise as it was an accident and he doesn’t feel he’s at fault. He said he was as annoyed as I was by it but that it wasn’t his fault.

• we at my son’s uni flat and had taken a note of all the things we need to get for him. 3 months later I was going mad trying the find the note- had I written it/was it on my phone? I spent ages looking and got annoyed at myself for being disorganised. Turns out he had noted it on his phone. No apology. Though I told him how long I’d spent looking.

• he put keys out for the kids under a plant pot. Hadn’t told me they were my house keys. I spent time looking for them (didn’t tell him at the time as I thought he’d be annoyed I’d lost them). No apology as he hadn’t realised they were mine/was in a hurry and then had forgotten he’d done it.

His mum who I have a bit of a checkered history never apologises either and I feel it’s the way he’s been brought up. But I’ve told him how just an acknowledgment of my feelings by saying sorry means a lot and takes the sting out of whatever has happened. We argue more about this than anything. It feels like I’m telling him until I’m blue in the face but it just seems sorry is a hard word for him. He says he doesn’t expect me to say it for stuff I didn’t do on purpose. 🤷‍♀️

Why would he apologise for an accident? You sound like his annoying 'there aren't allowed to be accidents' mother on this one rather than his wife. Second example, why does he need to apologise because you forgot something?

Last example I'd also be annoyed and expect an apology, or just a quick 'oops, my bad' to use the American version. Perhaps if he used different words for the apology that would work for him. 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' are quite loaded if you've had a challenging childhood. But if you are always expecting apologies when he hasn't even done anything wrong I can see why he is reluctant to apologise because you're unreasonable IMO on two out of the three examples. If someone is unreasonable and always wanting me to say sorry then it would make me less willing to apologise on occasion when it actually was my fault.

Let me revise that actually. If I spilled something or caused someone minor inconvenience, I definitely would apologise, but in a sort of offhand 'oh shit sorry I didn't mean to do that' sense. But with exH, there was a level of contrition and repentance that was expected that wasn't really proportionate to the mistake imo. And that's where our issues stemmed from. So I guess it depends what exactly you're expecting from him OP?

This, these are non events and I wouldn't even register being annoyed with them. None were done deliberately.

If you accidentally step on a strangers foot whilst out and about, what is the first word out of your mouth? For almost everyone, it would be 'sorry', despite the fact the stranger knows you almost certainly didn't do it deliberately.

When did sorry become this loaded word that should only be used in extremis? It isn't an admission of being a terrible person, it's often just a quick way of acknowledging a small inconvenience.

People who refuse to use it in the home are being manipulative, unless they also refuse to apologise to strangers they step on or colleagues who have to ask twice to be handed a stapler. 'Oh sorry Dave, there you go!' is normal daily chat, not an admission that you have done Dave a great wrong.

This is my view too. Interesting to read others’ thoughts.

This, I'd feel on eggshells constantly if had to provide an apology for everything!

But nothing like that's happened in these examples?

What sort of areosol was it ? I mean if someone put a can of WD40 on a settee then that could happen, it's the forsight to understand accidents could happen, carelessness or thoughtfulness ? who knows, would he have place it on his favourite top?

It can be a lack of respect for your things.

The list thing I would be more forgiving for after 30 years you ain't spring chickens and 3 months after writing the note it's understandable that he forgot where he transfered the information.

They key one is knowing whether it was intentional, does he know your key and the fob/ring. Do you have other spare keys, if not he knew what he was doing, did it for convinience but the second part of remembering that he had done it could be understandable.

I think you are wanting to know whether there is any malice behind these behaviours, I do think there are some people who will avoid saying and being sorry at any cost.

It's a lack of accountability and those people make life hard, whether his avoidance of admitting fault is due to fear is another thing, not neccesarily of you but how he was brought up.

For some children avoiding fault and lying could get them out of danger and could be a survival technique, hard to reprogramme.

It doesn’t have to be malicious to cause inconvenience. It’s thoughtless. All of these are thoughtless. And I would also apologise!

I had an ex partner who refused to apologise, he saw it as humiliation but that was due to his abusive parents, constantly blaming.

When the cushion incident happens who clears up, is the stained cushion left there? To me an apology acknowledges some level of inconvenience caused to a shared environment. If you spilt coffee over a colleagues desk wouldn't you naturally say sorry, whilst clearing it up?

The non apologisers, what would you say in a work situation and why is it different to home?

My teenage son is like this. He will get overwhelmed and say it was an accident etc. it bothers me too. He's great in other ways and will work together with you to fix the issue in a heartbeat but often the word sorry is emotionally loaded for him. I wonder could we talk to them about that and find out why. Is it insecurity and feel like they're doing stuff wrong most of the time or something. And hi light that they'd like others to apologise to them if needed

It comes from being forced to apologise and from being shamed a lot as a child. It carries a huge stigma about what you did wrong, whose fault it was and who is going to be punished.

Understand it comes from trauma and you may not mind as much.

However, your feelings still matter too. So ask your self what you actually want when you’re waiting for that apology and try to articulate it.

With the aerosol, I would have been thinking- has he actually learned that you should put things like aerosols on surfaces that can’t be damaged, or will he do it again?

With the key, will he check next time that I know where my keys are, and will he stop being an ass about me losing my keys.

DH has similar tendencies. He didn’t mean it so why would he apologise? I think if he did mean it, an apology wouldn’t be enough!

I expand on apologies so the intent is clear and he is starting to ‘get’ it. ‘Sorry, that must really hurt! I didn’t realise you that would trip you up! I’ll put it over there next time!’

I completely agree with this. I don't get why he would apologise to you for the first one, it's presumably his sofa just as much as yours? The list one, what is he actually apologising for there? Or did he know you were looking for it and then discovered it on his phone?

I agree with the other posters - and your DH - I don't see how he CAUSED you stress and anxiety, particularly with no.2. If you both knew that a note had been written but neither of you could remember where, how is it any more his fault than yours? If you'd asked him to check his phone and he didn't, or he knew it was on his and didn't bother to tell you that would be one thing, but it sounds as though he forgot it was there, just like you. So you're both equally at fault for your stress.

I do think 3 was completely his fault and thoughtless, and he should absolutely have apologised for that, but tbh if you're expecting him to say sorry for absolutely everything no wonder he's putting his foot down. I agree that next time in a similar situation you should try not saying sorry yourself and see how he reacts. If he honestly doesn't mind and maintains that apologies are only relevant when someone has done something deliberately, then there's no reason your preference for over apologising is 'right.'

However if he gets annoyed because he's used to you apologising and doesn't like it when you just shrug your shoulders he's being hypocritical.

Try it - next time you're late or miss his call or forget to message him back or whatever, just shrug your shoulders and say 'Yeah, I forgot.'

This is pretty much it I think.