Partner constantly calls me controlling

[Needingadvice01]

Has anyone else experienced this?:

My partner constantly calls me controlling. He's called me controlling atleast 7 times today. I am
A stay at home mum, with who kids.. I have to manage their days and routine, meals etc but my partner says that it's controlling .. and that because I control their day I also control his. Every weekend I ask him what he wants to do - he tells me it's up to me to decide and insists I choose but then when I make plans and play dates for the boys he calls me controlling and says I'm controlling everyone's lives and now it's 'affecting the baby.'

He wants to discuss an argument, I ask if we can go in the kitchen so my son can't hear and he calls me controlling. Sais I'm the reason he cancels all his plans with friends because I control everything. Even though I never do - I always encourage him to see friends etc - he just cancelled two trips away with friends and said he did it because I control everything.

Then I see him Later and he asks why I won't hug him, I tell him I'm upset from the conversation earlier - about him blaming me for cancelling his trips because I'm too controlling. He completely denies it and looks at me like I'm crazy and starts asking me what exact words did he use - at what time did I use them. I ask him to tell me why then he cancelled and he refuses and sais I need to work it out for myself. He then calls me unwell. I tell him to please leave me alone and he starts mimicking me and saying 'ok drama queen'.

Has anyone else experience this? Being told constantly they are 'controlling everything' in this way? I don't know how to deal with it .

Thankyou in advance.

Sorry but he sounds like a very emotionally abusive dick.

Its not you, it’s him.

You and he need to be apart because this relationship is over or it should be. He’s not above gaslighting you or trying to use DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim, offender) against you either.

What is the situation re the finances and property?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Your kids seeing and hearing all this will do them no favours either. Call Women’s Aid when he is out and formulate a plan to get him out of your day to day lives.

He sounds very scary and I would advise you to get the hell away from him

He is vile. He's the one who's controlling. What kind of a nasty person constantly puts their partner down then gaslights them?

I hope you can get the strength to kick him out of the house. You don't deserve this shit treatment.

Thankyou everyone...He currently is control of all the finances... I could ask him to leave as it's my house but it's so hard because I'll feel so guilty and my son 'his stepson' loves him.. I'll contact women's aid ...getting him to leave just feels impossible to do.

When I say I want him to go he'll switch and suddenly become rational and mr amazing again. I know I sound weak but it's honestly the biggest headf*ck... and I guess because there's no physical abuse it makes it harder.. he'll say I'm being dramatic, hypersensitive and ruining the kids lives...

Ditch him as soon as you can. This is scary to read, he is messing g so badly with reality that he is delusional.
Guilt is an emotional trait that is only found in the women in a relationship. Please get him out by the end of the weekend.

You will be fine without him

I was told once that a really good sign of gaslighting is if you feel you might need to record conversations/arguments to 'prove' that you aren't crazy/having memory issues.

Short of you being on drugs/having severe mental health issues/brain damage how could you have imagined these previous interactions.

It will get worse and end as ASP.

I'm honestly so grateful for all of your advice

Fuck that gaslighting bs he needs to go.

He controls all the finances? How come?

Hi @blacksaxBecause I'm at home with the baby as we agreed I wouldn't go back to work until he starts nursery at 2.

That doesn't mean he gets to control the finances! It just puts him in a position of control, which is exactly what he wants.

Bloody hell.
You need to think about a future without this man.
It’s like the matrix. Once you see it you can’t unsee it.

That is the nub of it right there.

He is trying to wear you down so that you are under his control; but, when you pull the one lever you have over him (it is your house he lives in) he gets all nice. For a bit.

This sounds to me more that just a clash of personalities, and more likeca man with an agenda.

Please get rid of him.

You have already said that you are going to contact Women's Aid. Good. Next do the freedom program. You can do this. Good luck

In my experience men who say this are projecting massively, and it’s them who are actually the controlling ones. It’s also such a teenage, childish thing to say.

Anyone who constantly accuses you of something like being controlling is trying to project their own flaws onto you. Same with accusations of lying and so on: it’s always men who actually lie a lot who accuse their partners of lying! It’s a big tell.

You should seriously reconsider your relationship with this man. Constant name-calling and accusing someone of something is abusive.

This is an awful way to live. He won’t be happy until you are so ground down you won’t know which way is up.
Thus is a hard thing to do, but for your mental health and happiness and your children’s safety, start making your plans and getting support to drag yourself out of this mess.

Is this new behaviour? Is it possible that he is experiencing mental illness. He sounds a bit paranoid or that his perception of reality is a bit off.

Or he could be a dick.

What is his parents relationship like. Does he expect to come and go as he pleases and you just pick up the slack and run around after him?

Would you both consider counselling?

It’s emotional abuse and it sounds like it is escalating. He is trying to break you and erode any boundaries and self respect that you have. I’d be ending it and going no contact asap.

Thankyou everyone..

@PrincessFairyWren it's not new behaviour... He comes from an abusive home - he is now estranged from his family including brothers and sisters.

We have been doing couples therapy but no longer - it didn't work. I now see a therapist in my own who specialises in this area. My third session with her on Tuesday 🙏🙏

Good news that you are seeing a therapist, but I don't believe you will gain strength until he is a million miles away from you.

You need to sever all links.

Stay strong and stay focussed whilst you sort out getting him out of your house. Stand up for yourself and do not let him feel like he is getting you to doubt yourself. You are in control of yourself. He can never grind you down if you keep this foremost in your mind.

He isn’t amazing though. He’s abusive. Please don’t waste your life on this man.

My ex was like this calling me abusive and controlling when he was the one,also gaslighted me telling me he did not say x and xx and made me think I was crazy.

Believe me, you can't see it now but if you separate might the abuse don't finish ( he might abuse you through courts or the children) but you'll be happy and safe at your home. You won't feel like you are crazy and that cloud you feel inside your head will dissappear and everything will become clear.