Partner constantly calls me controlling

[Needingadvice01]

Has anyone else experienced this?:

My partner constantly calls me controlling. He's called me controlling atleast 7 times today. I am
A stay at home mum, with who kids.. I have to manage their days and routine, meals etc but my partner says that it's controlling .. and that because I control their day I also control his. Every weekend I ask him what he wants to do - he tells me it's up to me to decide and insists I choose but then when I make plans and play dates for the boys he calls me controlling and says I'm controlling everyone's lives and now it's 'affecting the baby.'

He wants to discuss an argument, I ask if we can go in the kitchen so my son can't hear and he calls me controlling. Sais I'm the reason he cancels all his plans with friends because I control everything. Even though I never do - I always encourage him to see friends etc - he just cancelled two trips away with friends and said he did it because I control everything.

Then I see him Later and he asks why I won't hug him, I tell him I'm upset from the conversation earlier - about him blaming me for cancelling his trips because I'm too controlling. He completely denies it and looks at me like I'm crazy and starts asking me what exact words did he use - at what time did I use them. I ask him to tell me why then he cancelled and he refuses and sais I need to work it out for myself. He then calls me unwell. I tell him to please leave me alone and he starts mimicking me and saying 'ok drama queen'.

Has anyone else experience this? Being told constantly they are 'controlling everything' in this way? I don't know how to deal with it .

Thankyou in advance.

I come from an abusive family. My own parent tried to facilitate a paedophile abusing my child. I am now NC with my entire family. It hasn’t made me an abusive asshat. I’m not controlling. I don’t gaslight my partner or financially abuse him. I have a happy functioning marriage and a happy healthy family life.

Don’t let this pathetic sob story allow you to continue to raise your children in an abusive home. The cycle should stop with him. If he refuses, it stops with you instead.

Right now, all you’re doing is making excuses. I don’t work at the moment. Dh and I still jointly control our finances. What it sounds like he’s saying is you asserting expectations and boundaries is ‘controlling’ which is classic abusive behaviour. He can be on his best behaviour all he wants. No reason you can’t still turf him out.

Does he pay towards your mortgage or rent. Does he have any claims on your home. I often read on here about calling the police if an abusive man refuses to leave your home.

Do you think he feels guilty about the ways I which he’s is treating you?. This is precisely how and why he targeted you because he’s seen you as soft. You can and should get him gone. Consider also why you have allowed him to control all the finances.

Be on your own until you’ve had therapy and raised your relationship bar, it’s better than being with an abuser.

You don’t need to (and shouldn’t) spend your life with anyone who is an arsehole towards you. Life is too short and he’s wasting it for you. You’d be far better off without that constant poison presence in your life.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is not a relationship problem nor comes from a perceived lack of communication. It’s about power and control and he wants absolute here.

The fact he had no contact with his family members is neither here nor there: you are still not responsible for him.

Is your therapist helpful and does this person recognise that you are in an abusive relationship?.

Sod feeling guilty about him: he’s very much the product of his own abusive upbringing and now he’s inflicting that onto you and in turn your kids. He’s an appalling example of a stepfather figure to your kids. Why does your son apparently love him?. I think you are wide of the mark here. He is all too clearly seeing what this man is doing to you and in turn him.

I’m so glad you are getting your own therapy. He is definitely gaslighting and abusive. You need to leave.

The next time he does it, try to play the role of a ‘detached observer’ which can be helpful in maintaining your sanity in these type of situations. You can even think of it as a bingo card, with the usual phrases and accusations he uses. Grey rock technique is also very helpful here. I hope you can find a way to leave him soon.

Thank goodness you are now seeing a counsellor on your own.

The more you say the more I am concerned about your safety and that of your child. Please be careful and seek support.

Can you tell us a bit more about the couples counselling? Who suggested it and why didn't it work?

Thankyou everyone honestly your feedback is so helpful.

@mindutopiaim so sorry to hear your story that is horrendous. Im so happy you have found a happy relationship and have a loving family.

@Bananalanacakehe pays rent. We've been here many times where I ask him to leave and it gets ugly and he starts talking about police and lawyers, taking the baby half the time etc.. it just becomes really scary .. I know that's no excuse...

@ElectoralControversythe councillor actually
broke up with us- he said he couldn't help and the two sides of our story are completely different. It's the second one to do this!

We have a 1 and 1/2 year old and 6 year old (his step son who he is very good with)

I know it sound weak but sometimes I think it will just be easier to put up with it as it's not all the time and the rest of the time things are good - happy family .... etc reading that back it just sounds sh*t and pathetic ... emotional abuse is such a grey area.

Couples counselling is contra indicated in relationships where there is abuse. Often the counselling becomes weaponised by the abuser, and is just another manipulation tool.

Individual therapy is the way.

Emotional abuse is not a grey area - you just feel this way because his gaslighting is eroding your sense of clarity and reality.

You need to leave him. Don’t let your children grow up thinking this is normal and reenacting the same patterns.

I would tell him he knows where the door is.................

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/fp.pdf

Free living with the dominator book. Read it, understand his manipulation and has lighting techniques and get rid of him