Can you give me some advice on what is fair in this relationship? Or what’s normal?

[DaisyDaisyDaisy3]

we met 5 months ago. He moved in with his mum after a separation. He doesn’t pay his mum rent, he buys his own food (apparently she told him to save). He doesn’t drive.
I have a mortgage and I have 3 daughters, 2 at home (17 and 20). He doesn’t have children.
I drive if we are going anywhere and we take it in turns to buy a drink or food (which isn’t very often as I can’t afford it). He stays at mine approx twice a week (he gets the bus here). I was doing the cooking (unless we were eating out but I have had to say I can’t afford this anymore) and cleaning up. I mentioned this and he’s better now and will help.
He was looking to rent and pay appropriately 900 a month without bills. He has an elderly dog so the dog is staying with his mum so he will still stay at his mums occasionally. Therefore, he won’t be at his place often. I came up with the idea of him contributing towards staying at mine instead. It helps me and helps him (a lot). I thought it would make sense as he’s staying at my house anyway, so it would be a couple of nights a week and he’d stay at his mums too with his dog! Whilst looking for a rental that accepts animals (however, his gig toilets in the house so he’s reluctant to rent).
He transferred 250. Then 5 days later, he was questioning why I couldn’t afford to pay for EPC on my house (I’m selling to downsize). I told him, I can’t justify paying 180 this month as I had a lot to pay out (daughters driving and birthdays). He said to use the 250 he gave me. I said, no, it’s ok, the EPC can wait (I’m in no hurry). He then questioned where his 250 is going and he’d like to know for the future what I’m spending the 250 on and am i going to get things in for him, like bread?! (I think this remark was because the first night he stayed following paying the 250, I had no bread. Me and my girls don’t eat bread so I just didn’t think).
I was so angry, I have been buying extra food for months when he stays, he sowers here, stays the night. I sent the 250 back and told him to go and rent somewhere and he would know exactly where the 250 goes. He couldn’t understand why I was angry. I told him it doesn’t cost nothing to stay at someone’s house.
Anyway, he still hasn’t found anywhere to rent and he’s staying at mine again. He now brings the odd thing, coffee, wine, some cereal bars, he had shower wash, some meatballs and pasta sauce yesterday with him.
I now can’t help feeling resentful!
He stayed last night, now again tonight. He said he will need to eat later and said he will give me some money. Or he will go to the pub and get himself a meal. It just feels so awkward now. He said yesterday, do I have a shower at the gym as before, you have invited me to have a shower.
I don’t know how to handle it!
I don’t know what’s fair when one person has a home and the other one doesn’t?

I have been single 15 years. I haven’t really experienced a relationship in that long. Me and my husband divorced when our girls were young. I met him when I was young.
I have been independent so always done everything myself and financially.

It's very hard when the other person is in such a different situation from you. Having someone to stay twice a week would be fine imo, if they bought the food and drinks or shared the cost of them. And even better if you also could stay with them regularly. But you can't.
And it's not just that is it? It's the driving him round all the time and almost having to treat him equally to your kids, eg buying him McDonald's when your daughter wants one.
I don't think you should carry on with the relationship.
Having to ask him for cash is awful. You can't afford to be with him if you need to ask him to pay to stay? He should be adding to your life in a positive way not making it harder for you.
It will affect your relationship with your kids too. If you can't afford to buy things for him in addition to your kids, eg meals out, you'll end up not doing things with them.

He earns more than you, has a fraction of your outgoings, knows you’re struggling for money, lets you chauffeur him around and still expects you to pay on nights out - fuck that!

You asked what’s normal - well that’s not it!

He is a child! And a petulant one too from the sound of it. Do you want a new giant child?
Normal is whatever makes you feel at ease, comfortable, appreciated & appreciating. This is not at all normal- it’s unhealthy & the fact he does not instinctively understand this suggests improvement is most unlikely.

250 for 2 days a week is equivalent to 875/month if it was full time. Sounds fair?

Wait, wait, wait.... what? He wants you to do his laundry?!

He's treating you like you're his mother. Except he can't shag his actual mother, so he's using you for that instead.

@DaisyDaisyDaisy3 honestly this will get worse not better . You should tell him it’s over.
Your car your fuel and you still have to pay for food! He give you some cash then questions what it gets spent on . Just wow
this has been a matter of weeks he needs to be gone . He likes to live for free .

I agree with the majority of posters. Men seem to have no idea where food comes from and if asked will say "the supermarket". It just magically appears! Just like the house magically gets warm in winter and is kept clean. Your relationship is still in the phase where people are (reputed to be) on their best behaviour but he is already nit picking at you. Its far too early to be moving someone in and he has already shown his colours.

And I would pretty much guarantee the 2 nights a week turns into 3 than 4 and then ‘I’m here most of the time I might as well move in’ and you’ll find he becomes a cocklodger by stealth never increasing his contribution.

He is a piss taking freeloader. Get rid of him.

Ok now you’ve given more context - it’s a bigger problem than the £250 per month and him asking where it’s going….which is financially controlling and odd. Do you want that forever? Hell no!

He sounds like he wants a second mother not a girlfriend… you don’t need to be paying for him when you take your daughter out and he’s there and if he earns more and doesn’t have a mortgage etc to pay at the moment WHERE is his money going?? I don’t know a man who wouldn’t pay for you and your daughter if the three of you went out for food? Hell my husband would pay if it was either of our sisters and one of our nephews?!

I’d bin him. Sorry.

This is so extreme, I haven’t read anything into the OPs post that suggests he is controlling? It all seems very man hating. I thought it was normal at the start of a relationship for partners to stay the night a few nights a week at eachothers houses? This is what I did with my now DH for the first 18 months of our relationship. We took it in turns to stay at eachothers each weekend and never felt obliged to give the other money etc. It was just the given that at mine I would provide the food/cook and vice versa and use eachother’s showers. I understand this situation is a bit different in that presumably due to him living with his mum you don’t want to stay there. I would therefore expect that every other time he stayed he provided all food and cooked/cleaned up or got a takeaway/paid for meal out etc. I think it’s only once he is staying more than a couple of nights I would expect a small financial contribution until you were in a position where you officially move in together properly.

Is this a wind up?

@DaisyDaisyDaisy3 In all honesty, I’m a bit surprised he was allowed back in again after his wanting to know where the money was going and what it was being spent on.

You were absolutely right to give the money back, but you seem to have missed the bit where you tell him to do one!!

I mean it’s a sure fire way to kill the romance.

Is he autistic? Is he genuinely wanting to just know where the boundaries are?

I’m inclined to agree with the cocklodger comments, OP, sorry. Only 5months in? I’d probably call it a day!