Partners ex

[OnePinkDeer]

Is it bad of me to be thinking about my partner's ex.

They weren't together that long, less than a year. But this one he seems, hung up on and carries a torch for her, even though it was fifteen years ago. He doesn't mention her hardly ever at all. Only a little bit at the beginning when we were getting to know each other's backgrounds and just occasionally things come out in passing.

I get it. They didn't last five minutes and we have, but still I think he had stronger feelings for her than me. Won't go into it, but there's just been things that make me realize that.

I found myself thinking, what did she have that? I didn't even know it's ludicrous, because he's not with her anymore. And they didn't even try and make it work when the first thing went wrong.

Is it normal to have these feelings. Or is it just me.

Just you, love.

Try to find a way to move past this. It's not healthy.

Sometimes there are people that you just can’t get over in the same way as others.
How does he treat you? Or make you feel?
He’s likely to have chosen you over so someone that could just represent a time in his life that was good.
And if he treats you well, this is for you to let go of. He’s with you not her.

As you say they weren’t together long. I expect he fell for her and was still very much in the honeymoon period and then she broke up with him, so all he remembers is the good times and then it ended.

Yes. You're probably right. When a relationship ends in the very early stages, in other words, less than a year. There's probably been more good than bad. You're not out of the honeymoon / dating phase.

I won't go into why it ended, but it was something fairly trivial in that they just couldn't get along on vacation. And it slowly drifted after a really bad experience on the first holiday.

Apparently quite a large proportion of couples Split up after their first holiday because you find out what someone's really like and they just couldn't get along and it didn't recover from that. They let it drift after that. Just slowly stopped seeing each other and eventually met up to officially end it.

From what he told me she was completely unbothered and just said, okay. To me, that suggests she was never that interested in him because she never tried to make it work or address any issues. And wasn't even upset when they broke up. Apparently she just shrugged. Stuff like that can make you wistful and hurt and wonder why they weren't bothered about losing you.

But yes he does treat me well. I am very much a part of his life. He's very emotional and caring towards me. We ve been on holidays together and other than normal ups and downs, it's been fine

I get it. He's not with her any more, but just certain ways he said things or the way he's looked when he has mentioned her. I just think he liked her better than he liked me. And he'd rather that one worked out.

I get it. I have an ex that my feelings were very strong for.I'd never tell my current partner that. Kept the details of that very quiet because it's just not appropriate.We're not together and there's a reason for that. I think we've probably all got an ex that got under our skin and we still think about, but that doesn't mean let your current partner know about it.

He has no idea I am bothered by this, and I just I have kept my face neutral when he's told me things.

Did bother me, is that i've always wanted to go to that holiday destination and I mentioned it not knowing that's where it was

He said no because of his ex. He still harboring strong memories all these years later to the extent he doesn't want to go somewhere with me that he went with her.

It’s perfectly normal not to want to go to a destination that you’ve been with your ex.
When you’ve lived a life that can be a lot of places! My ex and I sat down and suggested so many destinations with one or the other having a veto because we’d already been there!
Make new memories, and please let this go or it’ll eat you up inside needlessly.
Sounds like she didn’t want him anyway. And tbf that’s how I felt with a lot of my exes. There’s no point any of their new partners worrying about me because I’d never take them back. For very good reasons.
Except one, but that’s a very different topic.

Yeah, see, there's one ex you d have back?

Probably him too...

But then again, doesn't sound like she wanted him.

If she did she would have tried to work it out. She didnt.

It's not so much her I'm bothered about. She wouldn't have him back i'm sure. I've got no issue with her.

I don't know her. She's done nothing to me.

It's his feelings i'm bothered about. Does he still hold a torch for her?Doesn't matter if she had him back or not.It's irrelevant.

It’s perfectly natural to think about the one that got away. But not at the expense of a happy healthy relationship. It sounds like you’re thinking about her more than he is.
Mine won’t ever happen, we both know he’d have to make the first move and he won’t.
I’m getting on with my life. You should too.
Be happy with someone you’ve had a long relationship with. This could derail that if you let it.

He did it again quite recently and im annoyed again. Something came up about cheating partners in a conversation with friends.

He said that girlfriend of his we re still friends with her ex whilst they were going out and she did actually go over to her ex's place and spend the night. She slept in her ex bed she didn't just stay there. So they had a massive fight and nearly broke up about it as he was really upset. But he believes are as she confessed to him that she done it.

So now I m doubly pissed off that he's still carrying a torch for this ex, she wasn't even faithful by the sound of it. Things like that don't happen in isolation - it's never just one night in your ex's bed, they were clearly still emotionally involved, if not physically.

So now i'm pierced off again that he's spoken about her, and this woman wasn't even faithful to him.And he still look really upset when talking about it. It was fifteen years ago.Is he ever gonna move on.

You're fixating on it, and it's going to end up destroying your relationship.

Neither of you should be speaking of or thinking of this ex. It's in the past. He's with you now. If you keep going back to someone he broke up with more than a decade before meeting you, you will lose him. And he would be right to leave you over this.

You have missed the point, he brought her up again. And another long discussion about her.

It was fifteen years ago. Why does he keep bringing her up?Analyzing what she did, and how long they were together or not together.

It's him that keeps doing it.

I don't want to hear it. I don't do that to him about my exes. He knows I have them. I don't say too much about them. Theyre in my past and I don't want any of them back. I think it is wholly inappropriate to analyze a past relationship with your current partner. I would never do that to him.

That's not what he does though
I'm sick of him literally counting the months of how long they were together and how you count it or not.I even know the precise month they became intimate because he told me... Why did he think I needed to know that.
.
I am sick and I am tired of hearing about this woman, and I don't know if I should say to him, can we not talk about her again, please. You still seem hung up on her or something like that. There is no point in analysing how long they were together or not together. The fact is, the entire relationship was a disaster and was going absolutely nowhere. She doesn't even seem to have been faithful to him. I'm not the one bringing her up, it's him.

I never mention her.I never ask about her. I don't want to know. It's just lately I ve noticed he does speak about her an awful lot. If he's still analyzing the who's and what's and wheres and hows of why it went wrong, 15 years later then he's still thinking about her.

Sorry, this wasn't clear from your previous posts or I misunderstood.

I think two things need to happen.

He needs to stop talking about her, unless the conversation is provoked.
I don't talk about my ex that often either, but I also won't avoid the topic as if it never happened. If my husband asks me: have you ever seen this artist in concert, I will reply honestly "yes, I saw them with my ex back in 2016".
I think the difference is that there's nothing wrong with giving factual information, but no one should be going on and on about the why and how of the relationship or the break up. So you're right to expect him not to do that.
When I replied earlier it came across as if you kept quizzing him on these things. But if he's bringing it up without being provoked, then something's wrong.

But also, you need to be careful making this about you.
The fact that he talks about his ex, has nothing to do with you. You are not lesser than. Also, you need to stop thinking about her as much. She's taking up way too much space in your head. And because of that, every time he does mention her, you go on high alert rather than letting it pass.

Talk to him. Tell him you don't want to hear about her.

Thank you.That is a very helpful post. I do similar to what you do. If something comes up in passing about an ex, I will say I did that with an ex. But that's it just factual information.

The conversation was provoked, somebody said, who's ever been cheated on. He said he wasn't sure but described what his ex did by staying overnight with her ex well, I think she did cheat on him. Then it kicks off another discussion about how long they were together.And the timings.

He seems quite defensive about his relationship with this woman. I think he knows she wasn't that into him, and that's why is he's defensive. He clearly wanted more from her than was ever on offer it is diluded as to the extent of their relationship.

They were only friends for half of it was no intimacy at all. The actual proper part of their relationship took place for only about 3.5 month's before they broke up, and during that time she was still seeing her ex s and sleeping in his bed.

Do you see what I mean. I shouldn't know this. He's told me all of this, and I think it's inappropriate. He also said it's water under the bridge now.But clearly it isn't.

He couldn't tell me with any certainty.Exactly when I started dating sleeping with or seeing or broke up with any of my exes, because it is irrelevant

The fact of the matter is they didn't even have enough in common to last six months, and she wasn't even with him exclusively. But you're right, it does get me on high alert when he mentions her again. It also pisses me off because he's burning his heart out over her and she wasn't even faithful

Quite what I do about this, I don't know.

It's ludicrous that she and him broke up 15 years ago, and he's still speaking about it in this way. I was thinking about an act of mine from 15 years ago and I can't even remember exactly when we broke up. I would have been in my early twenties at that point, and I don't remember. That's the way it should be.

If it was a short relationship, then there wasn't time for it to go really bad. He has rose coloured glasses on.

Its your decision to work out if its a deal breaker for you - how unhappy he makes you over this -v- your relationship

Thing is it did go really bad. I've had short relationships which were very happy and never left the honeymoon stage. Then i've been really upset and hurt when I realized they didn't feel the same way and ended it with me. Relationships that end when you're really still on a massive high can be harder to get over than a long term one when you know all the reasons why it didn't work out.

I do understand that.

But that's not what happened here. He did tell me a lot of detail about this woman and their relationship and that's why i'm making the thread.

Seems a bit deluded. This woman, in the short space of time, they were intimate together, remained in close contact with her ex. And slept in his bed and not only that she told my current boyfriend at the time she had done it and made him really upset and they nearly broke up then.

There are women and men that do that. They like to create competition between men and women sometimes. It's nice to be having two man fighting over you.

Then less than a month after that, it was over anyway, as they couldn't even get along on their first holiday.

I'm not just saying it because it's him. I d say it to a close friend. If your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't even cut off their ex when they're with you and stay emotionally and physically involved, then they don't care very much about you.

It's just so baffling, I can understand it if it was an amazing loved up relationship that ended completely out the blue and blindsided him.But it sounded like a disaster. He's told me they didn't even get along that while and they kept winding each other up, and they used to spark off each other in a negative way.

I don't know. I think maybe what I should do is just get over it for now. And if he mentions her again I m gonna have to say something

Maybe just say something along the lines of how much time are we going to spend talking about this woman feel as if I know your entire history and I don't think it's appropriate.

I don't know if it's relevant, but other than me.This is the only significant relationship he's had. Just date that never went anywhere between her and me. He was single for twelve years.

How long have you been with him?

Coming up for 3 years. So about 2 years and 9 months

To be fair he mentioned her a lot more at the beginning.

He was cagey about going on our first break together and he finally revealed that he and his ex split after their first trip and it was a disaster. He said he didnt want that to happen to us. It didnt and we've been away about times abroad and home

@OnePinkDeer
You do realise that at this moment, on this thread, you're the one keeping thoughts of her very much alive?
You make all these elaborate posts, discussing all the details of their brief relationship.

I wonder whether you haven't spent - wasted - many more hours thinking, fixating, obsessing over her than he has spent talking about her.

Like I said before. Communicate clearly to him that you've had enough hearing about her. That's his part.
And then you need to stop letting her live rent-free in your head.

I absolutely realise that, and that's why i'm worried about it. I know it's not healthy.And I don't like it.

If you raises her again, I'll just say, oh, her again, how many more times do we have to talk about her?I know far too much detail about her.

Is that will be the warning shot across the bow. And then we'll see what he does. My instincts will be he probably won't talk about her again.

Thank you though, for your constructive advice, and I do see how a lot of this has been caused by me. I'm self aware enough to realise.

It also bothers me that i'm able to write long post about what happened to them because he's told me so much about it and he shouldn't have done.

I'm not sure it was entirely me keeping it alive because it happened again this weekend.

He mentioned her again arising out of a loose connection to something and then started off on the same things that he's already told me a hundred times.

This time it was different because I cut him off and said something this time. I said are we doing this again. He genuinely looked confused and asked what was up and I said, we've had so many conversations analysing your relationship with your ex, Im beginning to think there's something going on here. Are you not over her. Is what I asked him. I was completely calm.

He said he didn't think he did speak about her too much. I said it wasn't exactly every day, but he has spoken about her an awful lot, and he has told me far too much.

I said to him, I know things about their relationship that I really shouldn't and I repeated a couple of those things. He did look a bit shocked mainly, because it was all correct and Some of it was intimate stuff.

I told him I don't need to know all this stuff. I don't want to know this at all. I told him don't know why he's still talking about her and giving his current girlfriend of all people this much detail.

He was very apologetic and said that he's not interested in her. He doesn't even know where she is what she's doing or where she lives, and he hasn't had contact with her for a considerable period of time. But he realized that going through all that it was probably inappropriate.

So we had a full and frank and we made up and that's that. If he mentions her again and starts off on one, I'll be pulling him up again and reconsidering things.

You did exactly the right thing OP, no room for misunderstandings now.

I think you've gotten the bad end of things on this thread, OP. There is no need, whatsoever, for someone to bring up an otherwise unconnected ex more than once or twice, and only when completely relevant. This is a him-problem, not you fixating on it.

You say it's not often, but you've actually mentioned quite a few times. If you had to put a number on it, how often is it? Once every 3 months - more/less?

Thank you so much that's very kind. I did think some of the other posts were unfair.Telling me it's in my head, and i'm the one obsessing.

For example, do I need to know the precise month my ex started having sex with his girlfriend? Because I know that detail. Why didn't he just give it marks out of ten while he was at it.

I know the entire itinerary of their holiday together that resulted in the breaking up. I know exactly where they went. How many days they spent in each area what mode of transport they used to get everywhere and a few anecdotes around it.

I can tell you their entire breakup story i can tell you exactly how long after they got back from the holiday that it started going sour.And how it broke down.

He cannot tell me any of these details about any of my exes because, quite frankly, I barely remember myself this level of detail and I don't want to talk about it.

All of this says to me that he's holding a torch for her. Especially considering how long ago they broke up, I just don't want to hear this.And every time he does, it makes me think they're still something in it.

If I had to put a number on it first date - very bad. It was more frequently at the beginning.But now I d say it's still at least every three months. And he keeps telling me the same story about something. There was an activity they did together.And he still got the associated foot wear.

He found it in the garage a few months ago, and he even sent me a photograph of it to say, he d still found it.And was loathed to throw it out. Then I got the whole story about it again. When I came to see him after it cleaned his garage out.

He has even said to me before wastefully.I really wish we had been together for longer. How am I meant to respond to that.

I detailed exactly how much I knew how an appropriate it was and that I didn't want to know. Let's hope i've heard the last of it.

He did reassure me and looked quite upset and said for the avoidance of doubt, he's not interested in her anymore. He just said they didn't have a particularly bad break up. Which is why he doesn't say anything negative about her. But that's still doesn't explain him constantly telling me their whole story. He said he doesn't even know where she is and hasn't spoken to her for nearly a decade. But in a way that doesn't help, she still very much on his mind after a decade then isn't she.

This is not normal whatsoever. If he's mentioning it this much out loud, to you, imagine how much it's going on in his head.

It's the right thing to have been very blunt with him about it. It's unacceptable. Unfortunately, however, a strict word can't make his feelings or his obsession go away – that won't be a quick process and only he has it in his power to work through it healthily. It's also not a good idea that he be with someone else while doing this work on himself.

and said for the avoidance of doubt, he's not interested in her anymore – his action don't match this. Talk is cheap.

Does he have any tendency to ruminate on other aspects of the past or just this relationship?