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Original poster

Partners ex

33 replies

OnePinkDeer · 22/08/2025 21:45

Is it bad of me to be thinking about my partner's ex.

They weren't together that long, less than a year. But this one he seems, hung up on and carries a torch for her, even though it was fifteen years ago. He doesn't mention her hardly ever at all. Only a little bit at the beginning when we were getting to know each other's backgrounds and just occasionally things come out in passing.

I get it. They didn't last five minutes and we have, but still I think he had stronger feelings for her than me. Won't go into it, but there's just been things that make me realize that.

I found myself thinking, what did she have that? I didn't even know it's ludicrous, because he's not with her anymore. And they didn't even try and make it work when the first thing went wrong.

Is it normal to have these feelings. Or is it just me.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnePinkDeer · 08/09/2025 12:46

Didimum · 08/09/2025 12:38

This is not normal whatsoever. If he's mentioning it this much out loud, to you, imagine how much it's going on in his head.

It's the right thing to have been very blunt with him about it. It's unacceptable. Unfortunately, however, a strict word can't make his feelings or his obsession go away – that won't be a quick process and only he has it in his power to work through it healthily. It's also not a good idea that he be with someone else while doing this work on himself.

and said for the avoidance of doubt, he's not interested in her anymore – his action don't match this. Talk is cheap.

Does he have any tendency to ruminate on other aspects of the past or just this relationship?

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He does turn to ruminate a lot. He dwells on things and obsess on things.

He doesn't do it constantly, but when he does mention her, there tends to be a lot of detail.

I do absolutely believe him that they have no contact.

I did actually give him some home truths. I said you've told me so much about this relationship that I now feel qualified to comment. I told him they didn't even have enough in common to last six months, or to last one holiday together, and she was still emotionally, if not physically involved with her ex the whole time she was with him.So, there's a question mark as to whether or not it was even exclusive for the brief period they were together.

He can do with that what he will. But that's the consequence of him telling me so much about it. Even I can now give my opinion I told him I shouldn't be able to do that. I shouldn't know this much.

He said that we just shouldn't discuss exes at all now and actually, i'm happy with that.

OP posts:
Didimum · 08/09/2025 12:51

OnePinkDeer · 08/09/2025 12:46

He does turn to ruminate a lot. He dwells on things and obsess on things.

He doesn't do it constantly, but when he does mention her, there tends to be a lot of detail.

I do absolutely believe him that they have no contact.

I did actually give him some home truths. I said you've told me so much about this relationship that I now feel qualified to comment. I told him they didn't even have enough in common to last six months, or to last one holiday together, and she was still emotionally, if not physically involved with her ex the whole time she was with him.So, there's a question mark as to whether or not it was even exclusive for the brief period they were together.

He can do with that what he will. But that's the consequence of him telling me so much about it. Even I can now give my opinion I told him I shouldn't be able to do that. I shouldn't know this much.

He said that we just shouldn't discuss exes at all now and actually, i'm happy with that.

Edited
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I wish you the best of luck. I don't this ruminating on someone after 15 years of separation from it is something he can fix by himself.

No, I don't think he has had contact with her (from what you've written). I'd be surprised if he didn't frequently look her up though.

Original poster
OnePinkDeer · 08/09/2025 12:53

Didimum · 08/09/2025 12:51

I wish you the best of luck. I don't this ruminating on someone after 15 years of separation from it is something he can fix by himself.

No, I don't think he has had contact with her (from what you've written). I'd be surprised if he didn't frequently look her up though.

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Still friends on facebook, but apparently she almost never posts. Yes, he told me about that too.She doesn't post very much.

OP posts:
Didimum · 08/09/2025 13:10

OnePinkDeer · 08/09/2025 12:53

Still friends on facebook, but apparently she almost never posts. Yes, he told me about that too.She doesn't post very much.

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If you wish to stay with him, then think all you can do is watch that he is true to his word.

It's difficult as I think if you are with the right person, who you should wholeheartedly love, then I don't think exes should even touch the sides of that feeling. No one compares to my partner, at all.

Original poster
OnePinkDeer · 08/09/2025 13:17

Didimum · 08/09/2025 13:10

If you wish to stay with him, then think all you can do is watch that he is true to his word.

It's difficult as I think if you are with the right person, who you should wholeheartedly love, then I don't think exes should even touch the sides of that feeling. No one compares to my partner, at all.

Show quote history

Well exactly. When you're with somebody exes, aren't even a factor and shouldn't be.

It also actually, perversely tells me that his beloved ex wasn't that into him. If she had been that into him, she wouldn't still have been hanging around her ex and staying overnight. She wouldn't even have entertained that idea, but not only that, she actually did it.

It has actually had a negative impact on my feelings.

OP posts:
Didimum · 08/09/2025 13:40

OnePinkDeer · 08/09/2025 13:17

Well exactly. When you're with somebody exes, aren't even a factor and shouldn't be.

It also actually, perversely tells me that his beloved ex wasn't that into him. If she had been that into him, she wouldn't still have been hanging around her ex and staying overnight. She wouldn't even have entertained that idea, but not only that, she actually did it.

It has actually had a negative impact on my feelings.

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What do you envisage happening?

Original poster
OnePinkDeer · 08/09/2025 13:42

Didimum · 08/09/2025 13:40

What do you envisage happening?

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I don't know. Don't think he'll mention this ex again. But that just part of the problem, isn't it. It's not so much the mentioning, that's the problem.

OP posts:
Didimum · 08/09/2025 13:45

OnePinkDeer · 08/09/2025 13:42

I don't know. Don't think he'll mention this ex again. But that just part of the problem, isn't it. It's not so much the mentioning, that's the problem.

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I wish you the best. Do update if you need more support.

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