Partner taking over SAH routine

[Thankfulandproud]

Sorry in advance – this is a bit long-winded, but I’d really like to get your thoughts on it:

My partner has just told me he wants to take charge of the daily routine for the whole family including my routine with my baby and son, which hours I spend with the baby, which hours the nanny covers and all of the admin until the end of the year.

Some context:
I'm a SAHM. We have an 18-month-old and a six-year-old. I look after the baby every morning, five days a week. We also have a nanny who comes during the baby’s lunchtime nap three days a week so I can exercise. She also looks after him on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons while I collect my six-year-old from school and have one-on-one time with him.

My partner says he no longer wants the nanny to come during lunchtime and instead wants her to come in the mornings. I told him I don’t want to miss that time with the baby — he’ll be in nursery soon, and I really value those mornings. His response was that I’m a “stressed-out mum” and that it would be better for the nanny to do
it.

I’ve been organising the kids’ schedules — snacks, naps, activities, etc. — for the last 18 months. But now my partner says he wants to put a “proper routine” in place for everyone, including me, and manage all the household admin until the end of the year. That includes deciding which hours I spend with the baby and which hours the nanny covers.

He says the way things are currently running is “erratic and wasteful” and wants to plan everything to avoid that. I just don’t know how to feel. I’m upset at the idea of having less time with the baby, but also at the idea of him taking over the family’s routine — especially since he works upstairs in his office all day.

I really appreciate others’ thoughts on this and whether I’m being unreasonable for feeling upset.

Thankyou so much in advance.

Why would you need a nanny to come whilst your baby is asleep so you can exercise?

Can't you just exercise during the baby's nap without the nanny being there?

I don't understand what you would be doing in a morning if your son is at school. Why would a nanny be needed? Whilst baby napped I made dinner in slow cooker and did housework. For exercise use an exercise bike, do online exercise class,
or running machine while baby sleeps or walk with pram when awake. I don't see how you need a nanny at all. Everyone else takes baby in pram to pick-up from school.

Why can't you take the baby with you to collect the 6 year old and have one on one time when your partner finishes work?

I agree with him, your current nanny set up sounds pointless. Why do you need a nanny when the baby is asleep? Are you paying her just to sit there while you exercise?

Nanny would be more useful in the mornings, taking oldest to school and helping with both children. Or your partner helps in the morning and you take the baby with you on the school run.

YABU to be upset, you're wasting money on a nanny to watch you exercise.

there could be one of two reasons for this set up - the OP is from a different culture where people have domestic staff or family help as normal or she has a medical issue which means it is overwhelming to plan and cope.

i hope this is the case and the OP is not being controlled by her partner and is completely vulnerable being dependent on him

He's sounds like a lot of fun.
Maybe you could have a go at reorganising his life for him in the same spirit. I'm sure he could find a different place to work.

You either agree things mutually or continue the discussion if there's a problem. Being told what you will do because he says so isn't exactly a partnership, is it?

The first red flag is that he is wanting to take away your voice, and does not see this as something you work on together. That is a very large, waving red flag.

Have their been issues with the homelife schedule that have impacted him, that he has brought up with you? And if so, has he asked for changed or solutions to problems that have never materialized. In other words, the only hint we have of the status quo being problematic is his description of “erratic and wasteful" and yet no commentary from your husband on how his suggested changes impact your time with your child.

It feels as though maybe there are other issues at play related to this that he now feels he has to step in and control. I'm not saying he is right to do this, but his actions feel extreme.

It feels like he doesn't like paying for a nanny while your child is napping, but it also appears as if he is assumptive that every child's nap schedule is consistent and that babies always nap the same amount of time every day.

If you do not want your time with your child impacted then you need to hold firm and explain to him that it is very important that you have this time to bond.

We've had this nanny since my eldest was three and the hours were much different but since we had the baby I didn't want to spend that time away from the baby but it was still useful to have her during the lunchtime so I can get out of the house for some excercise. She takes him out for those other two afternoons in the week so I can spend one on one time with my son who is with his dad (ex husband) 2 evenings in the week. It's just an
opportunity for us to have some time just us..

who made him the boss, OP? Isn't this a decision that you make together and agree upon?

So, wait, the "partner" wanting to change the amount of time you spend with your son is not the father?

He sounds very controlling and there are red flags all over the place here. I take it he thinks he has the final say because he's paying for the nanny and for you not to work?

I would be looking to return to work asap so that you are economically independent and not dependent on this man.

The short answer to your question is no, he is not your employer and isn't allowed to unilaterally change anything against your will.

The long answer is that something is badly wrong here. Either he is very controlling and trying to have complete control over your daily activities, or he can see that there is an area of life that you really struggle with that he thinks he needs to step in on. From your posts it sounds like the first answer, but maybe you can give your perspective on how well the current arrangement is working?

As another poster has said, do you think he resents (presumably) spending money for you to have one on one time with DC1?

He sounds very controlling tbh, and I would not be allowing my DH to dictate my daily schedule.

That said, if he is paying for the nanny, then I think he should have some input into whether this money is being well spent, whether there might be better ways of doing things etc. But that should be through discussion and mutual agreement, not him just stating how things are going to be.

Have you asked him what he is trying to achieve with his proposed changes, exactly?

but he is WORKING from home, so how can he consider doing the childcare ?

He isnt planning to do the child care, just to organise the time of his wife and nanny and do the admin.

He says the way things are currently running is “erratic and wasteful”

Can you give some examples? Doe she mean wasteful in terms of the way you use the Nanny's time? What is erratic?

Thankyou @Starrystarrysky I feel the current arrangement works really well but he said that's not the case for him and it's affecting his mental health.

When he sais 'erratic' he said there is no routine which I don't understand as I'm strict with routines for both kids. He said he doesn't see it this way and it's affecting his mental health.

What is affecting his mental health if he is working? Or is he not working

he doesn’t sound great

It might improve his mental health to be out of the house during the day. There are other ways of remote working.

I'd tread very carefully here as it sounds like he could easily control you through having the financial control. You're not married and therefore more vulnerable, assuming you don't have your own separate income.

None of this is making any sense.

What's erratic about your current set-up?

Why is your partner bothered about your current set-up if it's not affecting him and his time with the DC?

Is this about money? Is this about making sure you don't spend more time with your eldest (not his) than your youngest (his)? Are you completely stressed out and taking things out on the family/him and he's trying to give you more me-time?

What's going on in your household?

Just tell him ‘no’.

OP does the current arrangement impact him in anyway as he wfh?

He is being unreasonable expecting to control your schedule.

You are being unreasonable expecting your DH to pay for a Nanny just so you can spend one-on-one time with your son who isn’t even his child.

Why is it affecting his mental heath? What examples has he given? This is all v odd. It does sound like the money might be an issue…

I think partner ought to go out to work in an office
and
LEAVE YOU ALONE with your routine / organisation.

he does his job / role and you continue with yours - without interference !

Unless he has some concrete examples which stand up to scrutiny it sounds like he is being a controlling wanker.

Depending on your general feeling towards him I would either tell him to piss off or sit down with him and have a reasonable discussion about what is actual issues are and what he is hoping to achieve with his new plan.