Partner taking over SAH routine

[Thankfulandproud]

Sorry in advance – this is a bit long-winded, but I’d really like to get your thoughts on it:

My partner has just told me he wants to take charge of the daily routine for the whole family including my routine with my baby and son, which hours I spend with the baby, which hours the nanny covers and all of the admin until the end of the year.

Some context:
I'm a SAHM. We have an 18-month-old and a six-year-old. I look after the baby every morning, five days a week. We also have a nanny who comes during the baby’s lunchtime nap three days a week so I can exercise. She also looks after him on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons while I collect my six-year-old from school and have one-on-one time with him.

My partner says he no longer wants the nanny to come during lunchtime and instead wants her to come in the mornings. I told him I don’t want to miss that time with the baby — he’ll be in nursery soon, and I really value those mornings. His response was that I’m a “stressed-out mum” and that it would be better for the nanny to do
it.

I’ve been organising the kids’ schedules — snacks, naps, activities, etc. — for the last 18 months. But now my partner says he wants to put a “proper routine” in place for everyone, including me, and manage all the household admin until the end of the year. That includes deciding which hours I spend with the baby and which hours the nanny covers.

He says the way things are currently running is “erratic and wasteful” and wants to plan everything to avoid that. I just don’t know how to feel. I’m upset at the idea of having less time with the baby, but also at the idea of him taking over the family’s routine — especially since he works upstairs in his office all day.

I really appreciate others’ thoughts on this and whether I’m being unreasonable for feeling upset.

Thankyou so much in advance.

You are being unreasonable expecting your DH to pay for a Nanny just so you can spend one-on-one time with your son who isn’t even his child.

Huh?? They are a couple. When the OP's husband married her he agreed to take on some responsibility for her child. Why shouldn't her DC from her last relationship benefit from time alone with the OP? If it's important to the OP then it's important. He doesn't get to call the shots just because he is the one earning the money. We call that financial abuse.

to be honest it's unclear whether the money for the nanny comes from the baby's father or some other source such as the mother's parents. This nanny has been involved since before the baby was conceived apparently.

I suspect nanny= babysitter (a lot of American acquaintances call their babysitters nannies, with the distinction for them being only that they use nanny for an adult with a regular weekly arrangement, even if all they do is pick the kids up from school and make them tea whilst the kids watch TV and sit with them until a parent finishes work, and use the word babysitter only for occasional ad hoc evenings.

She’s a SAHM. It seems an enormous luxury employing a person to look after your child so you can have ‘121’ time with another. Unless they’re multi millionaires, it’s a huge expectation. He’s effectively already paying for the care of the children by enabling OP to SAH. Why should he pay twice?

How many mothers, working or otherwise, get 121 time with their children? Expecting your DH to pay for that luxury for his step child is taking the mick.

That is not financial abuse. We don’t know if OP is being financially abused - which is when a man leaves a SAHM with no money for themselves at all.

How many hours is this nanny covering?

You don’t mention if you work? Are you contributing to said nanny?

I think this guy is wanting you back in the work place? 18 mos - that’s not a baby and perhaps his patience has ran out?

also surprised a nanny would agree to work 3 days over a lunch hour to cover your exercise then two other days of two hours so you can spend one on one time with your other child?!

tbh it sounds like he has agreed initially but now he doesn’t - you’ll need to find a compromise

I’m not saying she is being financially abused I’m saying the assumption that someone’s priorities are not important because they are not the one going out to earn money is the basis of a financially abusive relationship IF (which is presumably the case here) they have BOTH agreed she should stay home.

my DP is currently a SAHD, it doesn’t mean he gets no say in how we spend our money.

@Thankfulandproud wtf!!! is he planning to bump you off or something? is this a plan to see if he would actually cope without you?

@R0ckandHardPlace just to make things clearer I was paying for the nanny until DC2 came along. Then we split the cost 50/50. Before DC2 came along we had the nanny for the same amount of hours to collect DC1 from school every day and make dinner etc as I was fulltime working.

When DC2 came along we didn't need the nanny as much because I would now be SAHM - (he insisted we keep her to help out sometimes) but didn't want to lose her completely as she was so great ..but we had to keep her hours as before as she needed them or might else find work elsewhere. So we came up with that plan.. I was paying 50/50 with my partner for the nanny up until a few months ago when my partner said he wanted to take over payment completely. The routine was kept the same as before he took over (i.e) her taking the baby out while I had one - time with DC1

He sais the 'lack of routine' is creating stress and bad for his mental health (even though there is one). He sais im messy and disorganised (I agree I'm not naturally organised) but the house is kept well/ clean and tidy , breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table and every day, both kids are in a routine so I don't really understand
understand what else I can do. I guess I'll see what routine he comes up with??

On the face of it, he seems controlling and that he is undermining your parenting. Have you talked to him about the children's routine and ask him to be specific about what he thinks is wrong with it? Unless he can give you good reasons for taking over, I'd resist. It's not healthy for one partner to control how the other spends their day. Surely if he's in his office working, your daily routine shouldn't effect him at all?

Does he spend time with his children?

Sounds like a man with a big ego who thinks he needs to manage everything including everyone who looks after his children.

Tell him to F Off.