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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So dp has used chat lines again :(

66 replies

4andnotout · 30/05/2008 13:31

Not even bothering name changing, im nearly 19 weeks pg with dc4 and have 3dd's of 6 and under.
This morning i opened the itemised phone bill which shows that dp has been ring poxy chat and date lines again.
Admittedly this was april but as i was pregnant by then i stll think he is being a twat.
He will come home this evening blaming lack of sex (once or twice a fortnight) and will try to forget it all.
This isnt the first time, last time i was pg he ran up £120 and i blew up at him, usual promises to stop etche loved me didn't want to lose me etc etc
I jsut dont know what to do, i know he hasn't been physically unfaithfull but it knocks me right back down, im good enough to shag once in a while and keep pregnant and looking after the kids but he would rather get his jollies from a voice on the end of the phone

OP posts:
Wezzle · 30/05/2008 14:53

calm down woman

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 30/05/2008 14:54

lol

Wezzle · 30/05/2008 14:55

no wonder you're onto No5

yer insatiable

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 30/05/2008 14:57

lol don't think DP would agree with that at the moment though! i'm too knackered!!

Piffle · 30/05/2008 15:18

my son co slept til age 7 yrs. He is very content in his own bed on nights when we could not co sleep. His development has been superb he is a fantastically kind high achieving loveable 14 yr old now.

Sorry for hijack op but his has made a rash and unsubstantiated claim that undermines my parenting.
so had to rebutt.
show us the research please his, lest my study of 1 stunningly developed and happy teenager not be enough.

But this does not detract from the fact that you both need your needs met in this relationship. Time for tough talking.
Good luck with it and the new baby! Brave and crazy

OverMyDeadBody · 30/05/2008 15:28

I'm goping to hijack along with piffle, because hls I'm sorry but you're talking bollox. Let's see some research into how co-sleeping is bad for development

Ds co-sleeps with me, he's 5 now, has no trouble sleeping in his own bed or with me, it certainly doesn't affect how much sleep he gets. He is also one of the most secure independant children I know. So it's NOT stupid. You're entitled to your opinion but don't go waving it around as if it is a fact.

And the mind boggles as to how you being an educationalist makes you a co-cleeping expert.

hls · 30/05/2008 15:33

Piffle- I am glad your son is a well adjusted young man.

There is some evidence from Rath and Okum and Wolf and Davis, that co-sleepers were 3x more likely to have sleep problems.

Co sleeping happens in less than 20% of the population and there is a difference between races as to what is acceptable. There is also a difference in outcome depending on whether the child is in the same bed, or just the same room. There is also a difference in outcome depending on whether the child is aware of sexual activity between their parents.

One parent might also advocate this to avoid sex with their partner.

I am glad it worked out for you, but personally, i am not in favour- but it is a personal choice.

hls · 30/05/2008 15:35

over my dead body- I never said i was an expert on co-sleeping, but having been involved in child psychology for 30+ years i do know something about quite a few issues.

Pheebe · 30/05/2008 15:41

So aside from the co-sleeping issue, you problem is that he's talking to a LIVE woman so you feel that its being unfaithful to you in some way.

I'm sure my DH could explain this better but there's sexual release, there's sex with your partner and there's making love. They are all very different things. you really shoudln't take the 'seeking sexual relief' part personally at all, its nothing to do with you in anyway, just a fulfilling of a personal need. and THAT is why I say its utter bollox that he should stop JUST because it upsets you. He is just fulfilling a basic biological drive/need. So long as he isn't running up a debt or spending time doing it that he should be working/being with you and the dcs there's really shouldn't be an issue.

Personally I can't see why jerking off in private (by phone/mag/movie) is regarded as so dirty and depraved and somehow a betrayal and something to be 'sneaked' as one of the posters said.

Agree you need to resolve the cosleeping issue if it isn't working for you or work around it (another room??) to re-establish your sex life. You might find he NEEDS the phone lines less then or perhaps not, sometimes he might not want the responsibility of having to satisfy someone else/go to the effort of having FULL sex - you really shouldn't take that personally though.

Piffle · 30/05/2008 15:45

ironically it was his hideous sleep patterns that led to us co sleeping. It suited us both. My 2 children since have not co slept and refuse flatly to settle with us though.
it is all about what is right for you all as a unit.
what always struck me is that as adults we rarely sleep alone... Strive to have a companion in our beds...
It is therefore quite logical that providing a child with such security in early days can lead to a better adjusted child in some cases, but as you rightly mention, there are cultural and sociological issues that affect stats for and against.

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 30/05/2008 15:54

i don't think that its being seen as 'dirty/seedy' by the OP necessarily but should this be something that doesn't inflict emotional hurt on the other person in the relationship enough to potentially ruin the relationship - i think that if its agreed or the other person isn't fazed by it then fine but when its emotionally upsetting the other person in the relationship then surely thats not right?

fair enough if he doesn't want to please her all the time and just wants a quick wank but why doesn't he phone the OP as she's more than willing to do the chatting instead

I 'think' its that books/mags/videos are seen as rl people they are just images but talking to someone another rl person on the phone makes it slighly more personal that he wants to chat with another person to have a wank rather than her iykwim (maybe i'm wrong i don't know?!)

4andnotout · 30/05/2008 16:02

exatcly sparkles couldn't have put it better and tbh we cannot afford his wanks if they are costing £10-£15 a time, im not against porn at all btw.He is a tight bastard with everything else

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2008 16:08

Hi 4andnotout,

I think the chat and date lines scenario is actually not the only issue you should be concerned about. It sounds also like he is addicted to such things.

Why is your partner favouring one daughter over the other two?. This stance of his will undoubtedly cause problems as these siblings become older. He must not show overt favourtism in such a manner, its highly damaging for children.

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 30/05/2008 16:10

'...books/mags/videos aren't seen as rl people' i meant

Pheebe · 30/05/2008 16:27

OK will thow this into the mix - when does it become unreasonable emotional control: I won't allow you to jerk off in the way you want/choose to because it 'upsets' me and if you do I'll throw a wobbler - he did it before he met you and will continue to do so whether you like it or not. Does he seek to control your thoughts when you're masturbating, most women if honest do not fantasize about their partners when masturbating. The point I'm trying to make is that men are far less imaginative than women and generally need visual or auditory stimulation. It isn't a betrayl of said partner, just a biological fact.

So now the money is also an issue is it?? That isn't what you said before and as I said, if it does have financial implications then thats a different matter. Also I got no impression from the OP or subsequent posts there was an 'addiction' going on here, if so again its a different matter

I do think you need to think very carefully about what it is exactly that is bothering you about this situation as its no longer clear to me

micci25 · 30/05/2008 16:34

if this upsets you then he should definately not be doing it. i wouldnt feel upset if my dp was doing this, he might stop bothering me for sex constantly, and i do mean constantly.

would it help him stop or bother you less if you knew the reality of chatline workers? yes they are real live people but what they are saying is a load of bollocks.

try googling phone sex operator or look on adultstaffing.com and you will see what i mean.

i used to work on one these when i first left home as with no qualifications above gcse's i found it very hard to find a job that would pay the rent.

i told the people that phoned that i was a size eight, very busty natural blonde pole dancer and oart time model, who liked to have sex strangers. i was usually wearing some kind of lingerie or v short dress/skirt. and i was always at home having just got out of the shower or was laying on my bed.

the truth was i was in a v small office surrounded by loads of other woman, size 12/14 but still v busty brunette who couldnt pole dance to save her life and had never modelled in her life either. and as for the sex i a long term boyfriend who i would never dream of cheating on.

your dp may think that he is talking to v horny bored housewife who is wearing whatever and loves sex when the reality is he is probably talking to an overweight middle aged woman who is either in an a dingy office somewhere or sat at home with a fag in one hand the phone in her other, flannel dressing gown and slippers having a good laugh at whoever phones with her hubby!!!

it certainly wont be anyone you need to be jelouse of and they would never ever meet him as they would be sacked immmediately as all calls are monitored by supervisors.

Wezzle · 30/05/2008 16:40

Pheebe, the OP has never said that she minds her DP having a wank or looking at porn mags/movies for that matter and I don't think she's wrong to ask him to stop. Its hardly controlling when she's footing the bill for it.

She's upset, from what I can gather, that he is talking on these chatlines instead of having sex with her, and in the main while she is pregnant.

I think you're in the minority if you say that your DP/DH wanking while some haggard old bint talks dirty to him on the phone doesn't bother you

Pheebe · 30/05/2008 16:42

"if this upsets you then he should definately not be doing it"

I wholeheartedly disagree with that statement if thats the only reason to ask him to stop. Based on whats been posted he isn't having an affair or betraying the OP in any way and I'm sure he's well aware of the reality of these chat lines.

Pheebe · 30/05/2008 16:44

The OP herself said money wasn't the issue and I didn't say I wouldn't be upset - I would - but I would see it as my issue and would look at things to change so he didn't want/need to use the chat lines but if it was his CHOICE to I wouldn't see that I have any right to change that - with all the caveats I noted previously

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 30/05/2008 16:54

bus she is looking at things!! and its seems her dp would rather have a wank over the phone than have sex with her/get her to do the wanking/blow job/stimulation

i think that is what she is finding most upsetting, that he's not paying her any attention i think that is the issue really and i think it would be the same should it be vids or mags instead (maybe?)

I don't think money is the main issue as the calls don't seem to be that often but it could become an issue if he becomes too depend on the calls and runs up bills of £50-£100 each month on wanks that they can't afford!

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 30/05/2008 16:55

but - not bus

Wezzle · 30/05/2008 17:02

I agree Sparkles.

The OP said she always initiates sex and the fact that they don't isn't because she has a low libido due to her pregnancy but because her DP doesn't seem to want to.

He's turning down the real thing for a wank and that's not right.

CountessDracula · 30/05/2008 17:07

He is betraying the op though

She has made it clear that this is unacceptable behaviour to her and asked him to stop. Presumably he has agreed to this in the past but is now doing it again.

The fact that he is not hiding it, that he does it on the home phone, show a total lack of respect for her.

It is not the same as looking at a magazine etc. I don't mind porn but I wouldn't like dh doing this at all. Porn is fine in the context of a healthy sex life. If it becomes a substitute for that and one partner is unhappy about it then it is not fine.

4andnotout · 30/05/2008 17:09

to carify that im bothered about this because

  1. £15 a wank is a friviolity we cannot afford when our income is less than £10,000 a year.
2.If situation was reversed he would have left years ago.
  1. This has been happening for the last 3 years, so has spent a huge amount in fits and starts.
4.If he wants release whats wrong with me? Iwould quit like sex too, and i have never turned him down, he simply never makes a pass. 5.Porn use is fine but why waste money on a stupid call when he knows the woman is bored of talking to punters like him.
  1. If i knew i was doing something to hurt him i would stop, but he consistantly makes and then breaks promises to stop.
OP posts:
micci25 · 30/05/2008 17:14

have you asked him why he doesnt want sex with you? i know this sounds stupid but could he be worried about hurting the baby? upsetting your other dd because she cant sleep in your bed? he just feels that it is not something he shouldnt be doing with a pg woman?

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