I need a hand hold please

[onestepinfrontoftheother]

I've changed username because I have other posts that would be quite outing IRL and I haven't yet told anybody about this.

My partner has just told me it is over. I've been completely blindsided. Please hold my hand. I cannot see a way through this. I am absolutely devastated. I cannot imagine life without him.

Please help me see I can get through this.

Oh I'm so sorry. I'm here if you want to talk about it.

@ResultsMayVary thank you. I'm just terrified that I will never get over this. I love him so very much and really thought we had an amazing relationship. He wants some space, and I don't think that space really ever helps does it? isn't it just a soft exit?

It seems strange, and disrespectful to you, that the first you hear of him bring unhappy is him 'wanting space'. Surely if there are issues he could raise them with you? But it sounds like maybe this isn't really to do with you at all?

Do you currently live together? Have you been together a long time?

Have you been together long?
hHow old are you both?
it certainly can’t be nice for you if it came from nowhere and you love him

Is he your first boyfriend?
I only ask because you feel you can't get over it.

You will, as trite as it seems, time will heal. You may hold a place for him in your heart on the future but you will recover.

I’m just shy of 60 and he is 62. We’ve been together 15 years. We live together. I think he may be having a breakdown because of some family pressures and work too.
i think he just can’t handle everything right now.

I was married for 20 years and it was a wonderful marriage which ended amicably. I then had a short (3 year) relationship which was whirlwind and left me heartbroken when it ended. But this relationship, and the levels of connection, truth, vulnerability and intimacy we’ve shared is something I’ve never experienced and cannot imagine experiencing with anybody else.

I don’t really want to go into the ins and outs if you don’t mind right now because I’m so raw and in deep pain, but I just needed to write something and know that there are human beings out there who can offer a glimmer of hope… or who felt this way and recovered.

You will get through this. It will hurt but you’ll be ok.

So sorry you’re going through this. Lean on loved ones, ask for help. It is hard if not impossible to imagine feeling better, but eventually you will.

You will get through it. Now is the time to lean on friends and family, busy the mind (and the body). Take each day at a time. Don’t mourn tomorrows sorrows today (I’ve mangled the quite). Then get very, very practical around the split (finances, house etc).

Is there someone you feel safe enough to tell and can support you, perhaps come over and keep you company? You will currently be in a state of shock which is completely understandable

Sorry you are going through this.

Reading your relationship history it sounds as though you haven't spent much time single in your adult life which might be making this split feel scary as well as upsetting.

Spend time with good friends & family and try to keep as busy as you can. Plan something in to look forward to - a weekend visiting a friend, a mini break with a friend/family if you can.

It's hard but you will find you are stronger than you think right now.

Thank you for replying to me. I don't feel up to booking anything atm. I feel I need to allow this to happen, ie the sadness and pain.
That is correct, I have never had much time alone, and it is very scary. I had a year between my divorce and the first relationship and then another year before this one.

I don't have any single friends at all. Everyone I know is married, and busy with family/husbands, especially over a bank holiday weekend. I'm just honestly quite literally passing the minutes, and trying not to go on social media. Trying to get my ducks in a row, and am focussing on a to do list But I just feel such an overwhelming sense of loss and heartbreak. We were just on the same wavelength and I've honestly never experienced that and the loss is tremendous.

Have you confided in friends as to how you are feeling?
When my marriage had just ended, my exH took the kids away to see his family for a BH weekend. A couple of close friends knew this was happening so surprised me with a lovely day out which really helped me get through that first time on my own.

It is a BH weekend but often people are spending it at home, doing DIY etc so you may find there is someone you can be with and cry with if necessary, even if that person is in a couple.
Reach out to your closest friends is my advice x

You will be ok OP.

Holding your hand and sending you strength.

Thank you. I've spoken with a couple of close friends to see what they are doing this weekend, before I break down on them, but they are both quite busy. One of them is away. I also am holding out a little hope that this is temporary, and therefore I don't want to air my laundry in public (is that the expression), and then another few years down the line people remember 'that time we split up' or wonder if we really are so connected etc - does that make sense? I don't like talking bad about him, or anyone tbh, and I don't want to have any negativity my way. But the kindness of strangers on here holding my hand is helping, thank you.

You will indeed be ok going forward.

(Had you noticed any changes in his behaviour like he being more distant emotionally, being a bit more snappy or unhappy at you, he keeping his phone close to him at all times, no longer talking about a female work colleague. I hope I am wrong but am wondering if he has met someone else and that is absolutely no reflection on you but more about him).

He is not the man you thought he was.

If you have a trusted friend or adult children consider talking to them. Take it one hour at a time and start firming up plans to separate from each other in terms of the property and finances. No more cooking and cleaning for him. Book yourself into a hotel for the weekend.

Op I’m sorry this is happening to you. One way or another you NEED to build your self efficacy up. It is not good, whether this goes one way or another, for you to be so dependent on a relationship for your very survival. Let him deal with whatever crisis he seems to be having and focus back on yourself. You’ve roamed this earth without him for 45 years before him and you’ll roam it again after, with or without him. There are wonderful things to experience in this life and they are wonderful in your own, with friends, with other family…happiness does not hinge on him, it hinges on you. So make that your focus, you’ll be happier for it whether your relationship survives or not. Good luck.

I have felt as if I would never get over it, and I did, and prospered.
It's horrific, isn't it?
Bother the friend who is about. People love to feel wanted and helpful.
I'd recommend seeking out people in a similar situation, it helped me.

I get not wanting to discuss it with others until you know how the land lies for sure.
He wants space and maybe will benefit from it but maybe you will too?

Is there anything you love to do/watch/eat that he doesn't? Indulge in those things this weekend.
Maybe take yourself out to the cinema, a gallery or just a long walk somewhere nice.
Treat yourself to a new piece of clothing or jewellery if you can afford it or just something you like.

In short, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would like one of your busy close friends to.
You can make this space, which might just be a temporary break, work for you too.

Try not to dwell & try to be productive. Keeping busy is what you need right now.

Thank you, I will take on all of this. I have indulged in quite a spot of retail therapy (online) overnight!

I guess what a poster has said about seeking out others who have been in this situation is what I'm trying to do here?

Things to do/watch/eat that he doesn't enjoy too? I'm not sure. Our lives were so entangled, as they would be, and we actually were so on the same wavelength we shared many of these things so atm, so much just reminds me of him.

I know I need to focus on myself and really look after myself, it is just so hard. I actually feel like I'm in a daze and I will wake up soon.

This is a dreadful shock for you. I’m sorry. You must be reeling.

It is odd that it has come out of the blue with you having no idea he was not happy.

The thing is, if he changes his mind, will you always be wondering if he will pull the rug from under you again? You can’t live like that.

Personally, I would start taking charge. Contact a solicitor to find out the lie of the land legally (not sure how entangled your finances etc are) and really seek to protect myself.

I also would not be trying hard with your p at all. Let him be alone. Do not be all warm and friendly and god forbid don’t do the pick me dance. He’s just dumped you. He doesn’t deserve anything other than basic courtesy with a slight chill. He will be surprised when you start to take charge.

You are your priority now. Not him. Not your relationship with him. You.

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes I know, I know, thank you. in my head all I keep telling myself is 'don't do the pick me dance' and I'm not even sure I know what that is and how to not do it!

I'm feeling all sorts of desperate, and I am torn between just getting on with it and pulling myself together, somehow, and just wallowing... if I don't have some wallowing, then surely it will catch up with me and I'll crash at some point?

I just miss him so much and it has literally only been 24 hours.

Well, I don’t think you need to pull yourself together per se. And definitely wallow especially if it means indulging yourself.

You’ve had a horrible shock.

Pick me dance is trying very hard for him to choose you and you working really hard to make him see your value. If you have to do that it’s hopeless anyway and you lose all your dignity. That leads to self loathing.

No, you wallow but you also think of how to protect yourself financially so that your healing can happen with at least that stress out of the way.

Sending you a handhold OP. Go for a coffee and try and read a book to settle your mind.

Thank you. I feel I have zero concentration for anything at the minute. I don't really watch much on TV, and when I do, I like romcoms, but that would just make me cry I think - what else could I watch on Netflix that might help?! or just distract.