Partner joining the Navy - hasn’t discussed it with me. What do I do?

[WaterFlower9]

Ive been with my partner for 3 years.

I have a DC from a previous relationship (age 5). We live together and have done for a year.

We have struggled a lot with issues with him gambling in the past but recently this has been much better, he stopped gambling and I thought things were good.

He decided to join the Navy last month and has gone ahead and applied without even mentioning it to me or asking my opinion and I honestly feel quite upset by this.

My son doesn’t deal well with change, he struggles with separation anxiety even seeing his dad once a week and I know he would struggle hugely with this.

I obviously won’t tell my partner what he can and can’t do, and I don’t want to stop him if this is what he really wants, but I feel like he hasn’t even considered how this would effect me or my son.

I just feel selfish for telling him this and that I don’t know if I can be in a relationship like this. He has said he would be gone for possibly months at a time and the base is at the entirely opposite end of the country to where we are, he doesn’t drive so seeing each other would be hugely limited.

I would have loved another child in the next few years or so but I wouldn’t want to do this alone or if I was alone for long periods of time knowing how hard I found it as a single parent when my sons dad left, I struggled hugely, I don’t have a village and it was exceptionally difficult for me to do it alone the first time, so it feels like I would have to sacrifice this.

What do I do? Can this work? I honestly feel devastated by the whole thing and just feel like he hasn’t gave a second thought about how it will affect my son and me, he’s still never even asked my thoughts or how I feel about it all.

Sorry OP, this is hard for you. Best to focus on your son and try to build a support network locally. This man is not your partner , hes not committed to you or your son.

He can’t love you to not even discuss such a big life changing decision. I certainly couldn’t be with a man like this and my son would come first. If my son wasn’t happy I couldn’t be. Such a selfish decision by him. It would be the end of the relationship for me.

Oh absolutely. But it’s given him an out.
OP I would love you to put a big smile on your face and tell him that is great news and of course you and ds will move to the other end of the country to be close to him. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know

It sounds like he's found another way to cover his housing costs and his relationship with you is no longer convenient. He's not your partner if he's making huge life decisions without involving you. He's also not giving any thought to your son... which is fair enough, it's not his child, but shows he doesn't consider himself important in the child's life.

I would absolutely end the relationship. You deserve better (and will likely be much happier single).

You see him as a partner. He sees you as a fuckbuddy.

I think he’s telling you a story.
It can take quite a few months to even get started on the application process and then some months after passing the interview, ti get a start date.

He will have basic training and then specialist training. He won’t even know where he will finally be based.

However, you seem to have put too much weight on this man to provide stability to your son and even financially help you. He’s not your child’s Dad and you aren’t married.

Not sure why you’d even consider staying with him, he’s going to be gone most of the time! Literally Whats the point?

I agree, he’s splitting up with you.

He hasn’t told you because then he potentially wouldn’t have anywhere to live until he got a start date. Sack him off now and wave him off to Portsmouth, move on with your life while your DS is so young.

"Joining the navy" sounds like code for met someone else in another town that I can leech off, but too cowardly to tell you the truth.

As he doesn't drive take him for a day trip to the seaside and leave him there. Just be prepared to bump into this guy in the local Tesco, probably on shore leave with Captain Birdseye.

I wouldn’t think it was wise to live with a man that gambles either. Let him go.

Well, he may not be accepted

you coild stay quiet and hope he doesn’t

he hasn’t decided to join yet. He has decided to apply

I think you know how he views the importance of you and your son in the relationship.

So I would consider taking 99bottlesofkombucha’s advice sooner rather than later - if he is not successful in joining then he will become a cock-lodger you will resent. You and your son deserve better than that.

As you are the property owner you can take control here. The change will be hard for your son but better than death by a thousand cuts which is likely to be more difficult for him.

I think you need to brace yourself for this being his way of finishing things. Not because he'd be away for long periods but his comments about being based at the other end of the country - did he mention anything about you relocating with him? You aren't married so plan your own life and stability going forwards, what if he doesn't get in? will you continue as you are or just while he is looking for other adventure?

Ah sod him. He’s either a selfish so-&-so or really awful at communicating.
Get him out as soon as you can.
Sorry it’s been like this, you don’t deserve it.
You & your son can start again & will thrive.

He’s finishing with you OP.

I think you’ve nailed it… he’s breaking up with her

He may or may not be joining the navy but it really does sound like he’s breaking up with you whilst being too cowardly to say it outright. Sorry but sounds like you’re well rid.

What would the living arrangements be, would he get Navy family accommodation for you all? Or payments towards accommodation? I think at this point you really need to discuss where the relationship is going. Is this him deciding to leave you without actually saying so, if he doesn't know how he can make it work? It may well be the making of him, but if you're not part of the plan he should tell you.

I would ask him to leave and start a new life, on my own with my child.

I think he is looking for a way to start gambling again, somewhere else, out of sight. Your son doesn't need this in his life.

This.

Good. The trash has taken itself out. Get control over his situation. Tell him to leave ASAP

He doesn’t view this relationship in the same way you do.

No equal partner would even think about such a life changing thing without discussing it in length with their other half.

He’s been able to life in your home comfortably for the last year and now he’s moving on.

How did you manage financially before he moved in? You've invested too much in this man for your stability and your son's when you have only been living together a year.

You need to prioritise your son by not continuing to have this man in your life. Sounds like you are projecting your inability to be without this man unto your son. If your son can not cope with routine changes how did he cope a year ago when you moved this man into his home in the first place?

He's shown you that neither you nor your child are his priority. Take the hint and dump him. Date but don't move other men into your child's home if he can't cope with changes.