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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gay Partner

31 replies

Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 15:57

So found out that my partner has been having intimate relations with other men and I'm hurt by it

We have been here before some years ago to which he claimed was all lies but this time I have evidence of what has been going on and it could have been going on for years.

I have not confronted him yet but he has given me an STI off one of the men he has been hooking up with on the grinder app. I started with symptoms so went to a clinic who tested me confirmed I have Gonorrhea.

I don't know if he is gay or bi but I cannot stay with him after this i feel so betrayed.

We have two children together 1DS and 1DD who are at an age where they will know something is wrong and want to know why we have seperated so I have to take that into consideration too.

I don't know how I will cope financially on my own but I will have to make it work, he brings more money in than me currently.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 20/08/2025 16:02

You don’t even need to confront him
get a solicitor and file for a divorce
there’s no coming back from this one .
check if you’re entitled to any benefits etc

myplace · 20/08/2025 16:05

You don’t need to give them specifics. You and their dad don’t make each other happy and want more.
When they are older they can be told more, or will work it out for themselves when his behaviour makes it plain.

EvenMoreCrisps · 20/08/2025 16:09

fedup078 · 20/08/2025 16:02

You don’t even need to confront him
get a solicitor and file for a divorce
there’s no coming back from this one .
check if you’re entitled to any benefits etc

OP hasn't mentioned being married.

Who owns the house OP? The priory is your health and finding somewhere to live, or selling the house/buying out if jointly owned.
Your kids can be told that you don't live each other anymore, they don't usually get told the details of why their parents are breaking up, just be vague, focus on a happy future without that man.

Original poster
Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 16:10

fedup078 · 20/08/2025 16:02

You don’t even need to confront him
get a solicitor and file for a divorce
there’s no coming back from this one .
check if you’re entitled to any benefits etc

We aren't married but jointly own the house

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 16:13

EvenMoreCrisps · 20/08/2025 16:09

OP hasn't mentioned being married.

Who owns the house OP? The priory is your health and finding somewhere to live, or selling the house/buying out if jointly owned.
Your kids can be told that you don't live each other anymore, they don't usually get told the details of why their parents are breaking up, just be vague, focus on a happy future without that man.

Show quote history

We jointly own the house but we aren't married. I am hurting and the children are asking questions but up to now I've kept it vague

OP posts:
EvenMoreCrisps · 20/08/2025 16:19

You don't need to bother confronting him, look into how to proceed with the house sale or if you can buy him out.

Then tell him he is to explain to your kids why you are no longer together.

Cold, disinterested detachment is all that cheaters should get.

myplace · 20/08/2025 16:23

Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 16:13

We jointly own the house but we aren't married. I am hurting and the children are asking questions but up to now I've kept it vague

Show quote history

You are allowed to be upset.
You aren’t allowed to try and get them to take sides or to make them your confidantes. They will need their dad even if he is aging cheating arsehole who gave you and STD.

You can say grown up stuff can get really complicated and you don’t want them to be worried with it.
You can say you’re upset because you and their dad aren’t getting on very well.
You can say he doesn’t always behave very well and that makes you sad.
He has done some things that make you very sad and cross, but it’s nothing for children to worry about, you and your dad will get everything sorted out.

You don’t have to pretend, just keep it at an age appropriate level.

Original poster
Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 16:30

myplace · 20/08/2025 16:23

You are allowed to be upset.
You aren’t allowed to try and get them to take sides or to make them your confidantes. They will need their dad even if he is aging cheating arsehole who gave you and STD.

You can say grown up stuff can get really complicated and you don’t want them to be worried with it.
You can say you’re upset because you and their dad aren’t getting on very well.
You can say he doesn’t always behave very well and that makes you sad.
He has done some things that make you very sad and cross, but it’s nothing for children to worry about, you and your dad will get everything sorted out.

You don’t have to pretend, just keep it at an age appropriate level.

Show quote history

Yeah i wouldn't ever tell them in fine details of the reasons behind the break up, I think know i will go with your advice of things can get really complicated .

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 16:31

EvenMoreCrisps · 20/08/2025 16:19

You don't need to bother confronting him, look into how to proceed with the house sale or if you can buy him out.

Then tell him he is to explain to your kids why you are no longer together.

Cold, disinterested detachment is all that cheaters should get.

I probably could buy him out if he contributes his share towards our children

OP posts:
SapatSea · 20/08/2025 16:36

If he goes to court for and gets 50/50 custody then you likely won't get any child maintenance from him.

myplace · 20/08/2025 16:40

How old are they?

What about his family? I think the shame of giving you gonorrhoea might buy you a bit of breathing room.

I’m so sorry, by the way. That’s an awful way to find out.

Original poster
Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 16:47

myplace · 20/08/2025 16:40

How old are they?

What about his family? I think the shame of giving you gonorrhoea might buy you a bit of breathing room.

I’m so sorry, by the way. That’s an awful way to find out.

They are 12 and 15

I just feel so stupid for believing him last time

OP posts:
Omgblueskys · 20/08/2025 16:55

Op if that's the case you might be able to buy him out, good, the least he can do is wait till the dust settles for payment, get the house valued now so you know it's worth and how much you need to pay him, he'll just have to wait won't he, he created this bloody mess so yes let him wait for his bloody money,

You need time to process this op, he needs to be gone,

Of course the children will ask questions and other pp have given good advice there,

Get advice on cm and a plan for child care between the two of you how that's going look moving forwards, do this formally tho so there's no messing about with days or times,
Do you work op ? as you will need to plan around your work and his, school time table, weekend activities that the children may do, alot to consider,

You will find your strength op but right now your in shock and disbelief,

myplace · 20/08/2025 16:55

You weren’t stupid.
He made every effort to deceive you.

I would guess the DC will work it out pretty quickly. Children are very clued up these days and he’s unlikely to be able to be totally discreet.

NOresponsibility · 20/08/2025 17:00

He's not bi if he only cheats with men.
Hes gay but wants to put a front on for the outside world.

Original poster
Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 17:10

Omgblueskys · 20/08/2025 16:55

Op if that's the case you might be able to buy him out, good, the least he can do is wait till the dust settles for payment, get the house valued now so you know it's worth and how much you need to pay him, he'll just have to wait won't he, he created this bloody mess so yes let him wait for his bloody money,

You need time to process this op, he needs to be gone,

Of course the children will ask questions and other pp have given good advice there,

Get advice on cm and a plan for child care between the two of you how that's going look moving forwards, do this formally tho so there's no messing about with days or times,
Do you work op ? as you will need to plan around your work and his, school time table, weekend activities that the children may do, alot to consider,

You will find your strength op but right now your in shock and disbelief,

He never really has the children anyway, it's either me or my parents. He works away alot so thats the main reason why.

DC don't have much interest in out of school activities, they go out with friends to the cinema etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 17:12

myplace · 20/08/2025 16:55

You weren’t stupid.
He made every effort to deceive you.

I would guess the DC will work it out pretty quickly. Children are very clued up these days and he’s unlikely to be able to be totally discreet.

Especially as one of the hook ups was with a neighbour

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 17:14

I have confronted him and he has finally admitted what he's been doing but only because I had proof we didnt discuss further as DC came home.

We will discuss what's going to happen going forward when DC aren't around.

OP posts:
losssohard · 20/08/2025 17:17

what an awful person. I’m very sorry Op.

myplace · 20/08/2025 17:28

Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 17:12

Especially as one of the hook ups was with a neighbour

Edited
Show quote history

🤬

I would think he could be encouraged to set up a small pad of his own and avoid unsettling the dc. It sounds as though he’s going to shag around.

Sorry. But he’ll have to pay for the DC, imo.

PigletSanders · 20/08/2025 17:33

Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 17:14

I have confronted him and he has finally admitted what he's been doing but only because I had proof we didnt discuss further as DC came home.

We will discuss what's going to happen going forward when DC aren't around.

He is truly, truly despicable.

To put your health at risk like that is appalling. To disrespect you and humiliate you is appalling.

Utter cunt.

Remove all emotion, tell him to leave (he’s hardly ever there anyway, and if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll get the fuck out and slap his children to remain at home for now) and see a solicitor.

Original poster
Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 17:34

myplace · 20/08/2025 17:28

🤬

I would think he could be encouraged to set up a small pad of his own and avoid unsettling the dc. It sounds as though he’s going to shag around.

Sorry. But he’ll have to pay for the DC, imo.

Show quote history

He said he would move to his parents until he finds somewhere but on the condition I don't tell anyone anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahpr · 20/08/2025 17:36

PigletSanders · 20/08/2025 17:33

He is truly, truly despicable.

To put your health at risk like that is appalling. To disrespect you and humiliate you is appalling.

Utter cunt.

Remove all emotion, tell him to leave (he’s hardly ever there anyway, and if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll get the fuck out and slap his children to remain at home for now) and see a solicitor.

Show quote history

He is going to be leaving, it's feel like the whole relationship jas been an utter sham but I got my DC for it so that was worth this pain

OP posts:
Nosdacariad · 20/08/2025 17:37

I'm so sorry. You are not stupid to take him at face value, he is deceitful.

Cat3059 · 20/08/2025 18:16

Vile man. If he expects you to take this all on your shoulders and keep it all hush, hush from absolutely everyone then he needs to make sure he is playing fair financially. Use that as some leverage, because after what he's done you're under no obligation to protect him -, did he worry about protecting you? Clearly not.

Of course he should be moving out to his parents after what he's done, vile man to try and blackmail you over that when he is a disgusting cheater spreading STD's around.