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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I stood up to a bully, REALLY stood up...what can I expect now?

33 replies

lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:04

I stood up to my dad today , in a way I haven't before.
My dad is VERY abusive and my parents have had an abusive relationship all their married life. They are old now in a care home. I was NC with them for a couple of years ( approx 2021-2023). Started visiting again monthly and now they're in a home I go once a wk, roughly. During these visits , my dad is no longer abusive to me. My mum interestingly does not say anything and takes it when he is abusive to her. Its chronic. 'You're stupid, you don't know anything' swearing at her in his own language etc etc Its a difficult watch for me. My mum is no angel btw. But on these visits, she doesn't /hasnt behaved rudely and abusively towards him ,just the other way round. i.e. him to her.
So today I stood up to him when he started on her. I jumped in quickly and it was met with 'you're mad, your other sister dont speak to me like this, you're a horrible daughter, get out , you dont help' etc etc
I didnt leave. I said no, Im here to see mum and I will report you to the manager for your abuse. I did that btw. My mum just kept telling my dad to stop , she didnt tell me to stop.
Any thoughts ppl?

OP posts:
Whenindoubthugitout · 20/08/2025 13:08

I would go no contact again.

what exactly are you getting out of this??

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:08

Good point. I go b/c of a sense of duty

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:08

period.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:10

Whenindoubthugitout · Today 13:08

I would go no contact again.

My gut tells me to do that too, but I am not able to in practice

OP posts:
MeganM3 · 20/08/2025 13:11

Could you have your mum moved? Would she want that? Let her live out her last years in peace away from his abuse.

I’d worry he would try and have you written out of their will for embarrassing him. But it was worth it and you might be able to contest any changes he makes now if he’s not of sound mind.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 20/08/2025 13:11

I would visit your Mum if you would like to and tell him the same every time he kicks off.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:12

FYI - I have taken myself out of the will a few yrs ago

OP posts:
TSMWEL · 20/08/2025 13:12

Can the care home facilitate visits with mum (if that’s what you want) and you go nc with dad? I don’t see why you should have to see them both as a package.

Also if he’s abusing her in the home they need to do something about it.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:12

Ukholidaysaregreat · Today 13:11

I would visit your Mum if you would like to and tell him the same every time he kicks off.
thats the stance atm, but like I said , he's horribly abusive, cant emotionally regulate

OP posts:
Dabberlocks · 20/08/2025 13:13

lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:04

I stood up to my dad today , in a way I haven't before.
My dad is VERY abusive and my parents have had an abusive relationship all their married life. They are old now in a care home. I was NC with them for a couple of years ( approx 2021-2023). Started visiting again monthly and now they're in a home I go once a wk, roughly. During these visits , my dad is no longer abusive to me. My mum interestingly does not say anything and takes it when he is abusive to her. Its chronic. 'You're stupid, you don't know anything' swearing at her in his own language etc etc Its a difficult watch for me. My mum is no angel btw. But on these visits, she doesn't /hasnt behaved rudely and abusively towards him ,just the other way round. i.e. him to her.
So today I stood up to him when he started on her. I jumped in quickly and it was met with 'you're mad, your other sister dont speak to me like this, you're a horrible daughter, get out , you dont help' etc etc
I didnt leave. I said no, Im here to see mum and I will report you to the manager for your abuse. I did that btw. My mum just kept telling my dad to stop , she didnt tell me to stop.
Any thoughts ppl?

Good for you. About time he got a dose of his own medicine. I'd also speak to the care home manager and let them know that he has been her abuser all their married life, because they can then keep an eye on things. If he is speaking in a different language, they may have no idea that the abuse is continuing right under their noses.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:14

TSMWEL

yes I have reported it to the manager today. The thing is my other 2 sisters are scared of him to , so they dont do anything and will now blame me for whistleblowing

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:15

Dabberlocks

I have done this. It is time to let them know

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:15

I think its safe to say my relationship with my dad is well and truly over. But there wasn't a relationship before...light bulb

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:17

im expecting to be banned from the care home ,maybe by my mum too. So be it. I at least have a clear conscience for reporting it

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:17

my dad will prob play the victim to my other 2 sisters now and I will be blamed for his ill health

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:20

Really my mum hasn't set a good example by allowing this abuse from him all of her married life. now 2 daughters are too not able to stand up to him. I am brave enough to, but at the cost of all relationships with everyone else in the family. Damned if I do, damned if......

OP posts:
Gymnopediegivesmethewillies · 20/08/2025 14:01

What would you like to come from this? I think you are brave and have done the right thing. Could you arrange with care staff to see your mum alone, or maybe write her a letter saying you won’t be treated badly by your dad and you wish she wouldn’t accept it either, not the way he speaks to her, your sisters or yourself. Ask her what she would like the rest of her life to be and go from there.

If your sisters come after you tell them to STFU and grow a pair too.

NebulousSadTimes · 20/08/2025 14:18

Damned if I do, damned if......

That's the thing with people like that, there is no answer and no closure. It already sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic and IMO you should do what you need to to protect yourself from any more abuse and negative emotions that stem from the abuse and enablers.

It's horrible, it shouldn't be like this with your (any) family but you haven't made the choices they have so please don't feel bad about enforcing your boundaries. Someone needs to wish you well and put you first Flowers

Happymover · 20/08/2025 14:29

Well done for standing up to him. Hopefully you’ve give him food for thought. He’ll know he’s in the wrong although he’s unlikely to admit it.

If you still want to visit your mum the staff can easily facilitate this by having her in another sitting room. Assuming she’ll be happy to accept it.

You have to be prepared for the fact that she’s maybe so downtrodden by his behaviour that she won’t go against his wishes. That’s not your fault. I’m glad you were able to bring his verbal abuse towards your mum to the attention of the staff. They may have been oblivious to it if he’s not abusing her in English.

rainbowsparkle28 · 20/08/2025 14:32

Go no contact or arrange that you will only see your mum by herself i.e. in lounge / day room or whatever separately.

Endofyear · 20/08/2025 14:54

Talk to the care home staff and explain the situation - ask if you would be able to visit your mum without your dad present if she would like you to. You did the right thing standing up to your dad and if that means that they cut you off, that's on them. But your mum might like you to visit and see her on her own. The care home staff should also take steps to safeguard her if and when they see your dad being verbally abusive.

Iwasphotoframed · 20/08/2025 15:06

There is no reasoning with people like your parents. They are just pure conditioning and emotions. It is best to step back as far as you need to protect yourself.

These types are endlessly infuriating. They cause mayhem. They take no responsibility. Others family members, even the culture around them, deflect responsibility away from them and on and on it goes.

Your responsibility here is to protect yourself.

My family and DHs have similar dynamics. DH had a reasonable relationship with his Mum when she was alive but not with his Dad. I’ve not spoken to my family in nearly a decade. They literally cannot change so nothing else is going to change. I have a great life, one I love and I’m very proud of, but my birth family are definitely a sore spot for me.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 15:18

Gymnopediegivesmethewillies

If your sisters come after you tell them to STFU and grow a pair too.

This is on the money! Here here. I liked the rest of your reply too- thx.
The thing is they are both, my sisters , as I WAS too , so trauma bonded to both my parents that they 'cant' stand up to them for fear of abandonment etc. Let me tell u when I stood up to him earlier today ,to hear 'you're a horrible daughter, get out , you are mad and nuts, you dont help him ' etc etc was not music to my ears. Its taken a long time for me to depersonalise this reaction of his that he dishes out when he internally is triggered.

OP posts:
Gymnopediegivesmethewillies · 20/08/2025 16:49

@lovenotwar149
I hear what you are saying and I do understand. My mum can be hard work and the times I have tried to cut her off have felt like I am drowning so I am wary around her, but I still see her, I just try and protect myself. Sorry if I belittled your or your sisters past with your family.

I am still incredibly proud of you for standing up for your mum and I bet on some level she is too, she probably just had the fight driven out from her long ago. I hope you are proud of yourself too, even if it’s shaken you up. They say you regret the things you haven’t done more than the things you have and I think that if something happened to your mum you may have kicked yourself for not standing up for her at some point. Imagine someone fiercely defending you against a bully, how much love would you feel for that person, even if you couldn’t show it - you showed your mum she is important and deserved kindness.

If you want to preempt your sisters reaction then call or message them and tell them what happened. Say you have no regrets and won’t listen to any criticism from them or your father for what you said. Who knows you may inspire them.

I hope to have someone like you on my side when I need it x

GreyPearlSatin · 20/08/2025 18:18

lovenotwar149 · 20/08/2025 13:08

Good point. I go b/c of a sense of duty

You owe them nothing. Visit them only if that is what you want to do. They are adults, responsible for their own affairs.

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