I stood up to a bully, REALLY stood up...what can I expect now?

[lovenotwar149]

I stood up to my dad today , in a way I haven't before.
My dad is VERY abusive and my parents have had an abusive relationship all their married life. They are old now in a care home. I was NC with them for a couple of years ( approx 2021-2023). Started visiting again monthly and now they're in a home I go once a wk, roughly. During these visits , my dad is no longer abusive to me. My mum interestingly does not say anything and takes it when he is abusive to her. Its chronic. 'You're stupid, you don't know anything' swearing at her in his own language etc etc Its a difficult watch for me. My mum is no angel btw. But on these visits, she doesn't /hasnt behaved rudely and abusively towards him ,just the other way round. i.e. him to her.
So today I stood up to him when he started on her. I jumped in quickly and it was met with 'you're mad, your other sister dont speak to me like this, you're a horrible daughter, get out , you dont help' etc etc
I didnt leave. I said no, Im here to see mum and I will report you to the manager for your abuse. I did that btw. My mum just kept telling my dad to stop , she didnt tell me to stop.
Any thoughts ppl?

Gymnopediegivesmethewillies

I hope to have someone like you on my side when I need it x

I love that last bit ,love that bit x

On reflection ,I have decided not to visit the care home anymore, for now anyway. I called my mum to say "I wont be taking you to your hospital appointment next wk anymore." She asked why and I repeated "I wont be taking ...anymore." She asked a third 'why?' Again I repeated that same sentence. She called today and I told her I stood up to dad y'day for myself ultimately. For my own self respect and I realised if I witness that kind of on - going verbal abuse towards someone in my presence, what kind of person would I be if I said nothing? A coward I think. My dad doesnt speak to me in that same way since I went NC with them a few yrs ago , well not to my face that is. But to watch him do it to my mum , well y'day was the time to say NO to that too , to his face. I am very proud of myself for my courage.
I told my mum it is best if I dont visit b/c I will speak to him again like that without hesitation. Without hesitation.
The sad thing is , my mum too, as downtrodden as she is , is very two faced as well , and prob to keep the peace and for her own fears and insecurities , she sides with him too when he is in control of her and they are alone.
I dont doubt now that I am not taking her to her hospital appt , she will join him in slagging me off behind my back. Its sad, very . But I can depersonalise it now in a way I couldn't before. Thats my progress ,right there!! Right there!
I felt strong when I spoke with her. I have had a really pleasant day in the sunshine with my dog today. Thank you ppl for thoughts and replies xx

I couldn't sleep on Wed night after the altercation with my dad, and I embraced that when it was happening, it was tough in be in that horrid space with him. But y'day I slept like. baby.I will tonight too ❤

Why have you cut contact with your mother? You have made things worse, no better and now you are running away

Are you the OP’s sister?! Made worse for whom? OP has tried sticking up for her mum and is the only one. At some point you have to say enough and think about yourself. It’s like dealing with an addict, you can try and try to support and help but at some point they are going to take you down with them. Knowing when to say enough takes a lot of courage. It’s up to OP when and if she contacts her mum again and honestly if her mum runs her down too then I think she’s better off keeping them all at arms length.

Gymnopediegivesmethewillies

Thank you!

Because her mum enables her father's abusive behaviour. OP has every right to remove herself from that situation.

Do you think that everyone who cut ties with their abusers, whether that be parents or spouses/partners, are 'running away'? OP tried to protect her mum but, as always, her mum sided with OP's dad. Having contact with her mum means having contact with her dad so OP has done the right thing cutting contact with both of them. She has reported her dad's abusive behaviour towards her mum to the staff in the residential home. They can deal with this now.

thepariscrimefiles

Very well put. Thank you!