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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I try to get him back?

28 replies

feelingreallylow · 30/05/2008 09:51

I have recently split from my 11 week old sons dad.

We fell out over the way he was towards my other 2 children (from a previous relationship).

Anyway we weren't talking and he went out with his parents (who had come down for the weekend) with our son.

I went off into town myself and saw him and his parents and they blanked me.

I have felt for a while now that his mum doesn't really like me, shes made very snide comments about do I ever cook etc etc.

Anyway I ran up to them and basically lost my rag, told my partner to get out of my flat and went to get our son back from them.

His mum started getting involved and I told her it was nothing to do with her but she continued to go on so we ended up rowing.

She accused me of neglecting her grandson and saying that I don't do anything.

The police got involved as they heard shouting and she proceeded to say exactly the same thing to the police. Said I didn't bath my son, couldn't be bothered to buy him nappies etc.

My ex just stood there and didn't even deny this.

He has now moved back to the Midlands with his mum and dad and I have tried contacting him to sort things but he is ignoring me.

I feel betrayed that he could stand there and let his mum say such crap about me and not say a word.

He has always been a mummys boy, she is very dominant and even his dad does what she says.

I know I was in the wrong for reacting the way I did but it feels like I am being blamed for it all.

Just want opinions really as to whether I should try and continue to get him back so we can be a family again or let him get on with it.

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 30/05/2008 09:59

Now read that post again, and tell me precisely what he adds to your life?

It seems he comes on his own with a side order of stress.

Don't blame his mother, the man's a cunt.

Freckle · 30/05/2008 10:03

And you want him back why?? Don't forget, get him back, get his mother too. Do you really want that?

He's clearly lacking in sufficient backbone to support you against his mother, so I'd be glad that he's gone tbh.

Alexa808 · 30/05/2008 10:05

It's your partner's fault for not standing up to his Mum. Have the niggling feeling (and personal experience) that this won't ever change and you might be better off without him.

Does your family live close by? Has this incident had any repercussions?

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 30/05/2008 10:12

I think my feelings are raw right now and so I miss him.

Basically he now won't have any contact with me and I believe he is going to try and get custody of our son.

It I believe is mostly down to his mothers bitching. I seem to attract mummys boys!

OP posts:
lillypie · 30/05/2008 10:14

NO you shouldn't!!!

SmugColditz · 30/05/2008 10:15

You just make sure you have everything just right for your son. he will not get custody. Don't worry for a second about it, the law in the country swings heavily in favour of the female parent, he has to prove you are not a fit mother to get custody of your baby.

Cappuccino · 30/05/2008 10:15

he sounds useless

his mum sounds bonkers

you sound insane

it is a recipe for disaster imo

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 30/05/2008 10:16

Looks like I may have had a lucky escape then really.

I wasn't sure if I was to blame for it all but just couldn't see it IYSWIM?

I can't understand how he can go back 200 miles away and not make the effort to stay in the same town as his son.

However I do know his mum and dad are very nasty and would have no problem in giving him an ultimatum - me or them.

Its been done before by them and they nearly disowned their own daughter because she had a mixed race child!

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingreallylow · 30/05/2008 10:18

Why do I sound insane Cappuccino?

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 30/05/2008 10:20

for going up and screaming at them in the street

if your dp blanks you in town, you go speak to him

you don't confirm his parents' already bad impressions of you by shouting at them

the only thing you can do around knobheads is make sure that you always act with dignity

tammybear · 30/05/2008 10:20

Geez, I read this and it sounded too much like me lol.

At the end of the day, it doesn't sound like a relationship worth saving. I can understand to an extent bout not going against his mum if he's a mummy's boy (to a small extend mind) but when the police got involved and to not stand up for you in some way is out of order.

As it's so recent that you split up with him, you will miss him and you will be in two minds as if you should try and get him back. Been there, done that, and believe me, you'll be so much better off without him.

When I split up with my ex, the first thing he kept going on about was how he was going to get parental responisbility (as he doesn't have it as we were never married) and how he was gonna take me to court and do this, do that, all because his parents were feeding him these ideas. It all fizzled out in the end, but stay strong and you'll be fine. You sound like a strong person to me anyway

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 30/05/2008 10:25

Yeah I agree Cappuccino but tbh regardless of whatever I have ever done for my ex it has never been good enough for his mummy! I was in the wrong but I wasn't thinking at the time, sure you have done that once or twice in your lifetime ;)

Thanks for that Tammybear, nice to see I am not alone.

OP posts:
tammybear · 30/05/2008 10:25

Oh and agree with Cappuccino. In future, no matter how much they piss you off, either walk away or deal with the situation calmly.

Saturn74 · 30/05/2008 10:25

Well, there is a child in the middle of all this.
So you are all going to have to try to behave in a civilised manner when you see each other.

Not sure I understood the OP correctly:

your partner took your tiny baby into town with his parents.
you saw them in town, and they ignored you.
you ran up to them, started shouting, yolf your partner to get out of your flat, and took the baby back from them.
his mother accused you of neglecting the baby.
The police got involved.
You are upset that your partner didn't defend you.
Now you are slagging him off for the way he behaved.

Is that right?

Because if so, there are so many other issues that are far more important than whether you get back together with this man.

Saturn74 · 30/05/2008 10:27

yolf=told.

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 30/05/2008 10:28

Yes I reacted in a really bad way, I admit that.

I however know that we need to be civil for the sake of our son and have tried to make contact so that he can have access to our son. I have no desire to stop him from seeing our son, he needs his dad in his life.

So you think I shouldn't be a little pissed about his mum telling the police lies and my ex knowing full well I don't neglect our son?

OP posts:
Alexa808 · 30/05/2008 10:32

What good has he done for you, his son and your other dc??? Going all radio silent on you and blanking you...uhm, not exactly a mature and caring approach to ensure smooth human relations, ya?

Move on and let him go and be with mummy. You already have 3 kids, you don't need a fourth one, IYKWIM.

In-laws can be very stressful if the relationship has broken down/never existed. (I could tell you stories...) Why run after a guy that will keep on repeating his behaviour and hide behind mummy's skirt?

Don't be intimidated by him either. Make sure your lo and the other 2 have all they need and are appropriately cared for. Take god care of yourself and if possible see to it that you get legal advice or read up as much as you can on the internet.

You could also post a question in the Legal section. MN is great and full of support and wise women.

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 30/05/2008 10:34

Thanks for that Alexa didn't realise there was a legal section.

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 30/05/2008 10:38

"So you think I shouldn't be a little pissed about his mum telling the police lies and my ex knowing full well I don't neglect our son?"

I think you all behaved badly.

Cappuccino gives some very good advice:

"the only thing you can do around knobheads is make sure that you always act with dignity".

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 30/05/2008 10:49

Yeah I regret the way I behaved, I wish I had just spoken to him.

Very true about acting with dignity too, live and learn for me I think.

OP posts:
hls · 30/05/2008 10:58

What I don't understand is why with an 11 week baby, you and your partner are behaving like this! Where is the love between you that created that baby? Was it ever meant to be a permanent relationship for the sake of the child?

How old are you both? Neither of you sounds ready for the responsibility of another human being.

Is this incident the first time that you have fallen out- cos if it is, you both need to work a lot harder at trying to make it work.

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 30/05/2008 11:14

Yes it is the first time we have fallen out this badly.

I am 24, he is 35. I got pregnant early on in our relationship (after 4 months).

But we he lived with me so we were pretty serious.

I have tried contacting him for our sons sake but like I said he won't respond, maybe it is cos it is early dayss or maybe he just doesn't want to know.

All I can say is that I have tried.

OP posts:
littlewoman · 30/05/2008 23:49

If he wasn't kind to your DC's from your previous relationship I wouldn't touch him with a long stick, FRL. I very much doubt that he will ever change in that respect (IME).

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 31/05/2008 11:51

He wasn't cruel to my other children but there were small things like he would come home from being out all day and go straight up to his son and say he missed him but blank the other 2 which I didn't think was fair.

Yes they are not related but as he lived with us he surely should treat them all the same?

I told him he needed to treat all the kids the same, maybe I was expecting too much?

OP posts:
littlewoman · 31/05/2008 16:53

My xh always treated my DC's differently to 'our' DC's. Even something 'small' in your eyes may be huge to them, because children see the world so differently to adults, don't they? There's just no way of telling if it hurts them or not, unless they say something. I think this is why I hate families splitting up so much. It's so hard on the children.

But then you have to think of your new baby, who is his natural child, and how much he might miss his dad. What a difficult situation to be in. You must be very confused.