Separating with kids: tell me how you did it

[TootSweeties]

I recently shared a thread about my relationship (link below), and after some big conversations, I think I’m going to leave and move in with my mum.

Being back with a parent at nearly 42 feels strange in some ways…but I’m okay about it. My mum is single and we’re tentatively talking about buying a place together in future (she own outright) as this could help me get back on the ladder and create some security again. That’s something for another day!

At the moment, we live near my daughter’s school in one village, and my son’s nursery is close to my mum’s in the next. Since my partner isn’t planning to leave (and honestly, I don’t feel at home here anymore so he’s welcome to stay) I’m trying to figure out the best way to manage our split.

Right now, I think the kids will need to be with me Friday–Monday and with him Tuesday–Thursday. But I can’t shake the feeling that this makes me a “weekend mum,” and it’s eating away at me. I know it’s daft as my split is still greater (and it’s not a competition!) but it’s going to be an adjustment. How does this work for you? And how do you cope with the emotional side?

My next challenge is how to support my eldest through this. I’m devastated at the idea of not being there most nights or waking up with them most mornings. But this is where things have landed. Staying isn’t sustainable, and I want to help my daughter navigate this as gently as possible. She’s on a waiting list for counselling and they’re now aware of the upcoming change, which I’m grateful for. Still, it’s her last year of primary school and I hate that this is happening now!

I guess I’m just looking for a handhold and solidarity. The hardest thing about this decision is that I just feel sad. No explosive breakup. Just a realisation that we’re at the end of the road after many years. Though that might change when the wheels are in motion and my partner knows this is for real…

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5376166-is-it-too-much-to-ask-for

Thanks so much for responding. Yes, the kids have a great relationship with him. He’s very involved with them and there’s a good balance of days with him or me or family days. And I’d like to keep it this way. Show them that we can still be their parents even if we’re no longer in a relationship.

You’re right about the weekend mum thing. I think it’s just that the kids stay one or two nights a week with my mum and so there could be some weeks where I’m with them just a few nights. I know it’s fine and we’re all living fairly close by but it’s going to be a strange adjustment.

Did you find your split pretty amicable then?

If they stay 1-2 nights with your mum, and you’ll be living with your mum, won’t those nights be with you?

@SomeOfTheTrouble

Sorry, things have moved on a little…

This afternoon she mentioned that my brother returns from overseas next week and is staying with her until he plans his next trip so I need to rethink my own living arrangements. I could stay with her one night a week with kids but her place isn’t big enough for us all. And I couldn’t live there with my brother.

So, yeah, not ideal. Every time I think I’ve turned a corner there’s another hurdle!

Do they have to stay 1-2 nights a week with your mum, is it for childcare reasons? They may prefer to be with you on those days after the split.

@SomeOfTheTrouble partly childcare but also because she’s very close to them. Dropping to one night is certainly a possibility. Thanks

Has your ex even indicated that he genuinely wants 50/50?

Most men can't actually be bothered when push comes to shove.

@BusWankers he’s pretty involved. Does most of the school runs and has a lot of 1:1 time with them. It’s one of his arguments for us staying together but it doesn’t excuse everything else, sadly.

We did mon and tues me and weds thurs with their dad
then Friday to Monday alternate

@Franwith2and1 that’s a good arrangement. I think as weekend time is precious it would be fair to have the occasional full weekend each.

It gives us both a weekend off to see friends and obviously one with them
its worked well
we live near each other also
not too much swapping of uniforms when at school etc