I’ve been in a relationship for 16 years and I think I want to separate.
It’s a long time to build a life with someone, I know, but after years of holding everything together, I think I’m done. I don’t want perfection, just partnership, but it feels like too much to ask for.
We have two kids, 8 and 6 months, the youngest born after fertility struggles. That brought a lot of strain as we lost a baby in second trimester and I struggled to make peace with that and multiple early losses. But, if I’m honest, the issues were there long before the kids. Looking back, I see how many allowances I’ve made over the years for a lack of thought and care.
It’s been especially hard since having our youngest. My 40th birthday passed with him casually chucking a card and chocolate bar on the bed. Nothing from kids. This year on Mother’s Day, I thought he’d made an effort…a payment had gone out to a flower company…but the day came and went with receiving a bag of stuff my mum didn’t want. Yep. He later blamed our 10-year-old daughter saying she could’ve sorted something more thoughtful but we couldn’t afford it anyway. Meanwhile, his mum got a huge bouquet.
I don’t need grand gestures. A handmade card and tea and toast in bed would mean the world. It’s not about “stuff”. I have my kids and they’re everything. But I feel like he’s showing them how little he thinks of me. Whereas I like to make an effort, even a small one. I once asked “do you actually like me?” and he seemed confused/surprised but there have been so many times where I’ve felt like I don’t matter. There’s just no reciprocity there. I mean we’ve had moments of connection recently but they are fleeting...kind of like when I look at him with the kids because he’s great with them. He’s a good dad. But I think we’ve had more bad than good times as a couple and it feels impossible to recover from.
Intimacy is a huge issue too. He often says things like, “if you were more physical, I’d be more emotional” and this conditional crap has chipped away at us for years. Somehow, it always circles back to being my fault…my inadequacy, my responsibility. And don’t get me started on the lewd comments. I mean I think I’d be cool with it or even laugh if there was a shred of connection. But when he tells me to keep my boobs out after breastfeeding, especially on the back of asking me why I’m always so tired, it makes my skin crawl.
He seems bewildered by my unhappiness because, as he puts it, he doesn’t drink, do drugs, or hit me — like I should be grateful for the absence of harm. I mentioned this to a friend recently, and she said he was setting the bar pretty low…also reminded me how painful that kind of comment is, knowing my dad was a drinker who put my mum through hell before taking his own life. It’s like I’ve convinced myself I should stay because “at least he’s not like my dad”.
We’re under pressure — financially and practically — and it’s becoming unsustainable. While I was going through fertility treatment, and then maternity leave, he was meant to be running our business. But now I’m pulling all-nighters, juggling ideas to get us through, while he’s still working on his CV. He does work hard — but often with little return because things drag on or he does favours. Like he ran an invoice by me last week and suggested billing the client less per hour because it was so many hours. Yeah…many hours you spent on work for that client so they need to cover that.
This was supposed to be a time where I could rest (as much you can with kids). After everything — the stress of infertility, a terrifying pregnancy, and birth complications — I hoped the load might lighten. Instead, I’m carrying more than ever, and I feel no attraction to him anymore because it’s just not a partnership.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m being ungrateful. If I’m expecting too much. But is connection, effort and respect too much? Are those luxuries…or just the basics? I feel like I have no idea.
When the fertility struggles started I guess I channelled all my worries into that. As though that was the issue. The thing I needed to fix. I’m glad we got through it but I think it was putting a sticking plaster over the cracks in our relationship.
A friend asked me what I’m tolerating that I’d never want for my daughter. And it’s kind of brought me here. I mean it would break my heart if she was in a relationship where every night she was searching for stories of women in similar situations who turned things around or managed to leave. I want her to feel special, and loved…and deserving of those things.
Has anyone here made the decision to leave after a long-term relationship? What helped you find courage? I’m so nervous of posting so please be kind! Thanks