DM and grandchildren/sibling relationships

[Slinkyminky22]

Poor thread title as I'm not sure how to word it.

I have quite a poor relationship with DM, she's not very interested in my children at all (doesnt like kids anyway) and while we can/do get along with each other with a bit of effort, I don't choose to spend a lot of time with her.

I'm the only sibling who currently has children, but my brother's wife is now pregnant and I'm finding myself ruminating about how my mother is going to behave towards my brother/his wife/the new grandchild. My brother is the favourite or golden child. He has a very different relationship with my mother.

At the moment my mother is talking a lot about my brother and I've realised this is going to carry on or get more intense once the baby is born. I don't want to hear everything about them through her, and I just want to be happy for them and positive about the situation. Instead I'm spiralling about how I bet she will now finally child-proof her house, be visiting them all the time and babysitting etc. I don't want any of that for myself but I can't get out of the negative thought process.

Sounds awful, I bet it does make you feel awful. I’m sorry, you sound like you have a narc mum, she won’t think about your feelings at all. I’m not sure what you can do apart from just not see her. You can ask her to not talk about your brother in your presence but people like your mum can’t do communication or boundaries. It’s not nice having a parent like this.

@Itsalittlewetout
Thank you. Yes I think you're right, I have wondered if she's narcissistic. I'm sure she's also neurodivergent. She was abusive when I was a child and as a single parent that was the main adult I had in my life so I've been left quite damaged from it all. Have you had a similar experience?
As I said my brother is in a different situation and I'm glad for him and also so happy about the baby but keep thinking negatively for whatever reason, it's a cycle I need to break. As much as life would be easier to go no contact, I just don't think it's possible. I'm trying not to affect the sibling relationships as well.

Why do you think it’s not possible to go no contact with your mother?.

What happened to you in childhood is not your fault, it’s all your mother’s doing .

Your brother and his family will
continue to be golden whilst you and your family unit remain scapegoated. Your mother has already affected your sibling relationship since childhood by having a favourite and playing siblings off against each other.

Where is your dad here?. I ask only as he is not mentioned.

Drop the rope your mother holds out to you and make yourself less available to her generally. The fact also she was abusive towards you as a child is more than enough reason to have no contact with her anyway. And I doubt very much she is neurodivergent and even if she was it’s still no excuse or justification for how you have been treated. Neurodivergent people are far more likely to be in abusive relationships than the general population. Your mother likely has a personality disorder which is narcissistic personality disorder. Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Contacting NAPAC could also be helpful to you as would reading Will I ever be good enough by Karyl McBride.

Thank you, I've just added that book to my basket and googled NAPAC.

I suppose I feel like I couldn't go no contact because I've never mentioned to her before about her behaviour/the abuse or anything else, and we've behaved "as normal" my entire life so it would come out of nowhere. She likely thinks everything is fine. We live in the same place, but the rest of my family live elsewhere. I think if I can limit the time I spend with her and thinking about her, and sort out my thought process then it will be OK. I know she has affected my sibling relationships and I'm starting to work on them now so they're stronger.

My father isn't in the picture, they divorced when I was tiny and we are no contact.

I have a golden child brother and have ended up with no contact with any of them. Mainly because of my brothers behaviour, but also how my mother could do nothing but praise him despite knowing how he was behaving.

Even after it all came to a head and I was very clear on my feelings, she orchestrated a conversation in a public place and what did she talk about? My brother…..

I don’t think people like that can help themselves. If I were you I would limit contact as much as you can, she won’t stop and it will continue to stress and upset you. My mental health has improved so much since I stepped away from them all.

I'm sorry for the troubles you've had, it sounds awful. I totally understand where you're coming from. I am limiting contact but I'm always left feeling like I'm doing something wrong when I do limit contact. She hardly gets in touch and when she will inevitably text she will be frosty. I don't know why I let this bother me so much :(

My child started a new school and she hasn't even been in touch to say good luck or ask how its going. Or should I be the one contacting her and sending photos etc? I hate all this so much 😑

It sounds like you are caught up in managing her feelings. In a normal parent-child relationship, the parent is concerned for the child's welfare, and in a toxic or abusive relationship that gets turned on its head and you are made to feel responsible for how your parent feels. You end up walking on eggshells around them, censoring yourself, and taking up less space so they don't have a meltdown. Its exhausting.
IDK if you've found the Stately Homes threads yet, but they are support threads for adult children who have toxic parents. The current thread is here, please drop in and say hello, everyone is supportive and friendly.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5365921-july-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Op, im sorry but I think you should really withdraw from her for your own mh.
❤️ 💐

Thank you so much. I think you're right, it's always been about her and how she feels. She manages to make everything about her or make her voice the loudest and now I make everything about her too. I am so, so sad about it all today. I just always feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I've been on the stately homes thread before and everything always sounds so familiar, yet at the same time I tell myself I'm not in a similar situation or its "not as bad". I will go back for another read now. Thank you, I really appreciate your reply.

I know. It's so toxic all of this. My brain is completely ruined with it. Thank you <3