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Original poster

Dumped. Was I unreasonable.

46 replies

ZippyKhakiFawn · 19/08/2025 08:33

Hi,
I was dumped last night and part of me thinks it’s for the best but he is so annoyed with me and convinced I am very unreasonable I just wanted a couple of opinions.

3 year relationship. We didn’t live together.

About 2 weeks ago something horrible happened to my mum and since then she has had a really horrible prognosis for the next 10 - 15 years (however long she lives).

I have been trying to help out with her care and sort a few bits out. Very difficult and I am very, very upset. She obviously is too but the point of this post is I was hoping for some support from my bf.

I told him when she was in A and E. Long story short I was talking to him about an issue with her treatment and what the options are (I can’t explain this exactly as it would be outing.)
1 - I said what the issue was and why we couldn’t do what the obvious solution was. I explained it was a possibility in the future but not now for x and y reasons.

Then what I think is the issue and what upset me with him.
He came up with a solution that I had already explained was not do able. I explained again it wasn’t do able and the reasons why. He mentioned it 3 more times that evening and eventually I started crying as it was just too much and it was upsetting having to go over and over it. He looked baffled as to why I was crying. I asked him to please stop asking me as I had explained the reasons.

He hasn’t offered anything actually helpful like a lift to the hospital (I can drive but I just mean no practical help needed).
I have lots of lovely friends who offered to do things like hover my mums houses. We didn’t take them up on the offer but I wonder if that made him look worse as he didn’t say or do anything nice but just repetitively kept making the same suggestion when I had already explained why it wasn’t possible.

Then a couple of days later he brought it up again but he now denies this. I tried to keep my cool as we were going on holiday this weekend just gone and previously when we have had an argument he has ignored me for days so I didn’t want that. I did say that I was a bit worried about his memory as he has asked me the same thing several times even though I had asked him not to. I said I thought he should go and see his gp just to get checked out. He said there is nothing wrong with his memory. The other option is he just wasn’t listening to me. Fine if I was chatting about my friends or the dog but I was talking about something that was very upsetting so I thought he should have listened.

we went on the holiday. We went last year and I know that he usually focuses on his 2 children and doesn’t make much/ any effort with me. I don’t mind this as his son has some vulnerabilities and it’s their only holiday. Also my bf had paid for the majority of it so it was a nice break for me and my kids.
So we didn’t interact much on the holiday. My son was injured just before the holiday. (minor but had to take pain killers etc). I noticed he didn’t seem to make any effort to ask my son how he was or even chat to my 2 children at all. We probably weren’t as fun as usual as my son couldn’t go on the slides due to his injury.

I chatted to his 18 year old daughter throughout the weekend and offered to help her with her uni application in September as she was feeling a bit lost with it.
I told her about a trip I had booked as a surprise for her dad to Inverness. I thought it was fine to tell an 18 year old and it didn’t really matter if she told him. We were chatting about him in general and I said I was a bit worried about his memory as I had had to repeat myself several times about my mum and it was upsetting me having to go over and over again. She said not to worry and whatever she told him went in one ear and out the other as he wasn’t listening.

Then yesterday after we got back I rung him for a chat as I usually do in the evening. He was fuming that I had told his daughter I was worried about his memory. I said she was 18 and I thought it was important to raise it with other people close to him in case anyone else had noticed an issue.

We went round in circles for a bit and he said it had upset him that I had suggested he had a memory issue and that he had been trying to help with my mum. I said it was nice once to make the suggestion but it wasn’t very nice to keep repeating it when I had already explained the complex reason why it wasn’t possible.
I said look, what do you want to do. We can keep going over and over this conversation or just leave it and move on.
He has said that he wants to end it. I was quite shocked by this and said “ok you have made your decision” and put the phone down because I didnt know what else to say.

I have spoken to 2 close friends only and they have both said they think it’s for the best and I deserve someone that listens to me. I am just feeling a bit shocked and wondered if other people think it was drastically wrong of me to mention I was worried to his daughter. I didn’t stress her out, she just rolled her eyes and said he did it to her too and it was annoying.
To me, I think it’s irresponsible to see an issue and just ignore it without trying to help and I hope someone would tell a family member/ friend of mine but he is fuming.

I suppose ultimately it doesn’t matter now as he has ended it and if the issue was he just wasn’t listening to me and was asking me the same question over and over despite knowing it was upsetting me then that doesn’t make him look great and perhaps I have had a lucky escape.

OP posts:
Returnofjude · 19/08/2025 08:35

He was fuming that I had told his daughter I was worried about his memory.

too fucking right

in his shoes, I’d never see you again
How dare you to do this

Original poster
ZippyKhakiFawn · 19/08/2025 08:38

That is strange as my friends dad has been diagnosed with dementia and the first signs were picked up by his 2 daughters. How can concerns be raised if people are not allowed to mention it.

Obviously if that’s wrong then it’s wrong but it seems hugely risky not to raise something if it’s a risk.

OP posts:
FionnulaTheCooler · 19/08/2025 08:39

He sounds like a dick. He offered you no support when your mum was seriously ill and he gives you the silent treatment for days if you have a disagreement. If that's the end of the relationship then so be it.

Returnofjude · 19/08/2025 08:40

ZippyKhakiFawn · 19/08/2025 08:38

That is strange as my friends dad has been diagnosed with dementia and the first signs were picked up by his 2 daughters. How can concerns be raised if people are not allowed to mention it.

Obviously if that’s wrong then it’s wrong but it seems hugely risky not to raise something if it’s a risk.

Based on a very recent exchange where he repeated a question… you spoke to his 18 year old whilst away on holiday about your concerns about her father’s memory.

Unbelievable

AusMumhere · 19/08/2025 08:40

Returnofjude · 19/08/2025 08:35

He was fuming that I had told his daughter I was worried about his memory.

too fucking right

in his shoes, I’d never see you again
How dare you to do this

are you him?

REDB99 · 19/08/2025 08:41

You are clearly not worried about his memory, you were being sarcastic and carried on being so by involving his daughter. He hasn’t listened to you regarding your mum, you’re upset by this. It’s sounds like you’re both very wound up by each other so it sounds like things have come to an end. I hope your mum is okay.

SemperIdem · 19/08/2025 08:41

Returnofjude · 19/08/2025 08:35

He was fuming that I had told his daughter I was worried about his memory.

too fucking right

in his shoes, I’d never see you again
How dare you to do this

Weird overreaction there.

@ZippyKhakiFawn he sounds like a bit of an arse, in the long run you have probably dodged a bullet.

Haggisfish3 · 19/08/2025 08:42

Because it clearly wasn’t his memory! Either he was struggling to know what to do to help (did you say, I don’t find that helpful, it would be more helpful if you offered to do….’) or he just wasn’t listening which is much more likely the obvious answer. Is he particularly old where dementia is likely? If not you have worried his daughter completely unnecessarily. It sounds like you aren’t that compatible tbh.

Original poster
ZippyKhakiFawn · 19/08/2025 08:43

Thank you. @FionnulaTheCooler I appreciate the comment.

I am clearly more emotional than I would be normally.

I did apologise to him for telling his daughter I was worried but in my job we are told we must raise any concerns with family members and it would be a safeguarding risk not to. (My job involves children and vulnerable adults though so maybe that it more acceptable to raise concerns then).

OP posts:
Mammamia162627 · 19/08/2025 08:43

Returnofjude · 19/08/2025 08:35

He was fuming that I had told his daughter I was worried about his memory.

too fucking right

in his shoes, I’d never see you again
How dare you to do this

It was out of a place of concern. 🤷‍♀️ But I can see how different people would feel their boundaries had been overstepped.

personally on balance I don’t think you did anything wrong OP. I think your partner overrreacted but he’s also entitled to feel how he feels. I agree with your friends, you deserve someone who listens to you and makes your life better, not make it harder.

My partner is on balance lovely. But he does a similar thing of arguing minor things for the sake of arguing. He calls it discussions. But I think with so many things to worry about right now and so little time to talk, we should save “discussions” for the hard stuff.

Thingsthatgo · 19/08/2025 08:44

Were you actually worried about his memory? Or just using that as a reason to vent to his daughter?
I don’t think going to an 18 year old with your worries is a good idea - unless you really have some serious concerns about his health, and even then it would be better to just ask if she had noticed anything.

TheCosyViewer · 19/08/2025 08:44

I think you know well him repeating his comments an out your Mum is not a memory issue at all. He’s repeating the comments because it’s what he thinks his suggestions are what needs to happen and is going on and on about it to try convince you. Obviously, it’s annoying and frustrating for you and a separate issue - but it’s not a memory issue.

It wasn’t nice bringing it up with his daughter at all.

KitsyWitsy · 19/08/2025 08:45

I don't believe you really think he has a memory issue and the faux concern to him and his daughter has rightly infuriated him. He's been a prick about not caring about your mum's issue, yes. What else can be said about that other than he's obviously lost interest in you and the relationship.

I would just walk away from it all now.

Returnofjude · 19/08/2025 08:46

This patently wasn’t out of a place of concern the op was pissed off that she and her kids weren’t getting attention from him
so she did this to spite him

she will deny but I’d wager I’m bang on the money

Returnofjude · 19/08/2025 08:46

KitsyWitsy · 19/08/2025 08:45

I don't believe you really think he has a memory issue and the faux concern to him and his daughter has rightly infuriated him. He's been a prick about not caring about your mum's issue, yes. What else can be said about that other than he's obviously lost interest in you and the relationship.

I would just walk away from it all now.

Bang on the money

PerfectlyPlotted · 19/08/2025 08:46

Goes quiet, doesn’t listen, doesn’t engage with your kids, no help or support - you should have dumped him.

myplace · 19/08/2025 08:48

A sensible response from him would have been to say that worrying his daughter while she was dealing with exams and uni applications was inappropriate, and not to do that again. She is 18 but not an adult responsible for her dad.

He has shown memory issues over one specific situation, which isn’t a fair assessment of underlying problem. Memory issues over a prolonged period and about a range of subjects would be cause for concern.

However- he’s an unsupportive arse and you are well rid of him. He jumped on this as an excuse to ditch you, as you have become hard work rather than fun- ie, needed support.

It’s upsetting, but move along and be glad you aren’t actually dependent on him.

I’m sorry about your mum.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 19/08/2025 08:49

We were chatting about him in general and I said I was a bit worried about his memory as I had had to repeat myself several times about my mum and it was upsetting me having to go over and over again. She said not to worry and whatever she told him went in one ear and out the other as he wasn’t listening.

That's really awful. She is 18. Just help her with her university application dont start banging on about your mum and how upset you are that her dad is upsetting you over it by not listening.

That is not his daughters fight, it's between you and her dad. Shes barely an adult and blood is thicker.

It's quite a low blow to bring someone's children on to your dispute as adults.

Edit - he doesnt give a shit about your mum that's clear but dragging his daughter into wasnt the way to go. It's not a memory issue, he doesnt care.

Unless what he suggested would work and you dont want to consider it.

Original poster
ZippyKhakiFawn · 19/08/2025 08:49

I do think there is something not right as he forgets entire conversations even about things that would benefit him to remember. If I was him I would be concerned and would make an appointment.

Each time he suggested it after the first time I said it won’t work for x reason so I don’t want to talk about it anymore because it is upsetting me. Each time I said it he looked completely baffled as if I hadn’t told him before so this is why I am thinking there is a medical issue. Then after I cried and said please don’t mention it again a couple of days later he brought it up again. It he had forgotten once or twice I would think he had just not been listening and I’m still not sure if that is it but it did look very much like a medical issue as he was so confused by me telling him things even though I had told him multiple times before.
I agree that we are not compatible.

OP posts:
Returnofjude · 19/08/2025 08:49

PerfectlyPlotted · 19/08/2025 08:46

Goes quiet, doesn’t listen, doesn’t engage with your kids, no help or support - you should have dumped him.

He paid for the holiday. That was probably a motivation

Returnofjude · 19/08/2025 08:50

Either way op

He has dumped you.

So you can save your faux concern for someone else

Mammamia162627 · 19/08/2025 08:51

Returnofjude · 19/08/2025 08:46

This patently wasn’t out of a place of concern the op was pissed off that she and her kids weren’t getting attention from him
so she did this to spite him

she will deny but I’d wager I’m bang on the money

OP said her job is related to raising concerns so it’s probably hardwired into her. Maybe it wasn’t appropriate but she then apologised. Really, what is the damage to the partner that he had to end the relationship?

i think it’s sad when people come here for advice and others choose to berate and attack them from the start. Is this how you are in real life too? Is this how you want people to react when you ask for advice too?

MagpiePi · 19/08/2025 08:52

Some really weird and aggressive replies above!

You don’t say how old he is but I assume he’s somewhere around 50, so not necessarily an age where dementia is more likely to be present. I think I’d probably laugh if someone was suggesting to my kids I had dementia and assume they meant it in a jokey way, but if they kept going on and on about it I’d probably get annoyed eventually.

I think the problem is he is a bit of a knob - the silent treatment if you have an argument, ignoring you on holiday, not listening to your reasons about your mum and insisting he’s right, not being particularly sympathetic about your feelings about your mum’s diagnosis.

I’d stay dumped and forget about him.

Original poster
ZippyKhakiFawn · 19/08/2025 08:55

Ok thank you for the comments. I will take it on board that I shouldn’t have spoken to his daughter about it.
If it gets worse then I am sure someone at his work will notice and raise it with him.
He has ended it now so that will be the end of my involvement with him which is probably the best thing for both of us.

OP posts:
OneNeatBlueOrca · 19/08/2025 08:55

You're reaction to the break up was perfect though op. Accepted it and cut off communication.