Too soon to Marry???

[Windywood78]

Hi, looking for direct advice. Im 46 and was single for years, like years and years! I've a 20 year old daughter and i'm very close to my mum and sisters. I spent a lot of time with them and their kids over the years. I started seeing someone in early January this year. He is a great guy and treats me and my daughter very well. I have spent most weekends with him since we met, either at my home or his. We have been on holiday together too. Since I met him I've seen a lot less of my sisters. One of my sisters kind of stopped talking to me and the other two have called the relationship intense. I can acknowledge that this is definitely partly true, however I think most people are the same at the start of a new relationship? My partner will be 50 in June 2026, we will be seeing each other just under 16 months by then and we are talking about getting married. I think my sisters think I'm mad. Ive never been happier but they are really taking from my happiness. I know I've changed and I'm not as available to them, but they are all married and have their own lives. I just need to talk this through. I don't want to talk to my partner as I don't what him to think my family don't like him.

DH and I met in our late 20s. I had assets he didn't. We knew straight away and were barely apart after our 2nd date. We didn't not formally live together until we were married 2.5 years later. I had a pre-nup. Nobody was counselling against him.

We are early/mid 60s now. We have a few friends who divorced in their 40s and have been in stable, long term relationships since, 10/15 years. There have been health scares and two couples have got married so the other has access to their occupational pension scheme in the event of death. They also have their assets tightly tied to their children through legal agreements/trusts.

More to think about than yiur heart @Windywood78

When you say you've spent a lot of time with your sister and their children is this actually more about you not being available for them to use as childcare, is that why one had stopped talking to you?

How are your finances? And his? Is there inequality?

This is by far and away the most important thing to consider IMO.

He has spent time with my family, particularly my mum as she lives with me since my dad passed a year and a half ago. They get on very well.

Are you planning to live together before and after marriage? If so surely your mum, then, needs to be a key consideration in this. Inter-generational living can be difficult. It’s likely to be more difficult when the relationships are very new.

I’d put actively planning for marriage on the back burner and bring living together for a bit first to the fore. You really get to know somebody when life isn’t just the fun bits together, but the vacuuming, the working out how household finances will be split, and the generally sharing all your space and most of your time.

Talking about being married 7 months in is a bit mad.
Whats the rush? It won't actually make the relationship better. Or more likely to last . Either it will or it won't but being married won't determine that.
And what about living arrangements if your mum lives with you?
I do think at the start of relationships you do spend less time with other friends/family which is normal but obviously balance is good .

Don’t listen to the people on here. They are very mercenary and think that anyone (or should I say any man) who doesn’t have a million pound house in Surrey and a million pounds in a pension is scum. Even then they will find a way to talk down men and your relationship as a lot of them are bitter and single or divorced.

Nobody knows your relationship apart from you. If you and your partner are both in love then go for it, who cares what a load of people who don’t know you think?

Personally I would wait there is no hurry. 4 years would be my ideal. I think you need to make time for everyone in your life and could incorporate him into that.

Personally I would wait there is no hurry. 4 years would be my ideal. I think you need to make time for everyone in your life and could incorporate him into that.

She obviously cares what her family thinks and they are trying to warn her to slow down.

You're right, don't listen to people on here. Talk it over with those closest to you and take their concerns seriously.

I rented my house out after my dad died and live with my mum now. When/if we get married we will live in my house as i want to stay in my locality. Mum will stay in her house and I guess we will take turns to stay with her if she doesn't want to be alone. We are in an equally financially embarrassed situation😂 neither of us in it for the money, that's for sure.

What's his financial situation would be my biggest concern. Assuming that's ok and you can set up your affairs so your daughter doesn't lose out when you die then wouldn't be overly concerned. If he is bringing nothing to the table then that's not good and doesn't bode well for the future.

What's the rush at your age. Give it a couple of more years. Also ensure both your assets are save.

I think a lot of women coming up to 50 who have been married before would not be in such a hurry to sign up to a load of wifework that comes with most men's expectations of marriage. Quite apart from the prospect of any financial issues it may cause. Why can't you just have fun together without any commitment? It's not the 1950s and you don't need a piece of paper, or to live together.

You own your own house.
What assets would he be bringing to the marriage?

It might sound cold-hearted and unromantic but things like this absolutely have to be considered.
We're no longer in times gone by when people met at 18, "courted" for a while, married, rented and then bought a house together, had children and built a future together and usually stayed together until death.
There's a lot more divorce now, obviously, and a lot more second or even third marriages, or people not marrying until much later in life having built up assets by themselves.
This means that when you're late 40s, 50s, and starting a relationship you can find yourself in very unequal financial situations. This is very risky, if you marry and things go wrong you can end up taking a big hit and for many people this could well be the second time it's happened if they were previously married.

There also seem to be a lot of unscrupulous types around, of both sexes, whose pension plan seems to be to find someone with their own property and good pension to move in with, having lived a merry life pissing money up the wall.

This is not to say that your DP is like this but yes, it's far too soon to marry and if you aren't approximately equal financially you shouldn't marry at all. So if you own your own house, I would also expect him to own a property or to have substantial savings, otherwise the difference between you is too great and will lead to problems later. You can continue the relationship, living separately and get to know him more to see what he is really like before possibly moving in with him.

I know too many people who have been burned by this sort of thing.

Dh and I got engaged after 8 months and married after 17. We have just had our 25th wedding anniversary. We are happy.

When we married we were very young and had no ties, no children, no responsibilities, no money, no anything really. So if it had gone horribly wrong I guess it would have been easy(ish!) to walk away.

However, looking back I can’t help but think - what was the rush? Why was I so determined to do it all so quick? In a 12 week period I took my finals, graduated, had my hen do, got married, went on honeymoon, moved into our first home together, turned 21 and started my first job.

Why?!?

These were all big life stages but they all went past in a bit of a blur because I was so busy with everything else.

I didn’t get to really enjoy the run up to my wedding because I was stressing about my finals. At a time when I should have been having a lovely time deciding between pink roses and light pink roses and off pink roses (and genuinely thinking it mattered!) I was too busy trying to memorise Legrange’s theorem. Barely celebrated my 21st.

People always say “life is short” and it is. But it is also long and often hard work and rather dull. The good bits - the lovely bits - should be savoured.

You are in a lovely stage at the moment. You are falling in love with someone that you are going to be with for the rest of your life. Enjoy it! Drag it out. It is likely to be one of the best bits of your life. Don’t rush on through.

It is his 50th soon. Do something great for it! Don’t share it with a wedding. Then think about other fun things. Proposal (a lovely memory), engagement party? What sort of wedding would you like? So many older people say “we don’t like fuss” meaning they don’t want to put everyone else out but would you like a fuss? Even a little one?

I’ve gone on a bit here but hopefully you get the point. You have endless days to go to work, come home, make dinner and put the bins out. If you merge your dp’s 50th with a wedding all you are doing is having an extra day of putting the bin out.

I would get legal advice if you own your current home and he is planning to move into your home. You want to keep your home for yourself and I am sure you want it to go to your daughter in the future.
If he is pushing you to get married he could want this for housing or financial reasons or both. Some men can hide the reality of their financial situation for years but then realise they have no pension and very little savings. So they find a woman, love bomb them and want to move in and get married. Then a few years later they get divorced and next thing your home or pension is at risk.

I would step back from spending as much time with him and spend time with family and friends instead. Bring him to meet them the odd time and let him work on getting to know them. Let your friends and family have time to get to know him.
Your family members and friends might see things with him that you don't or things you might chose to ignore. I have seen people getting involved with the wrong man or woman and refusing to listen to friends and family warnings. A few years later they are stuck in horrible marriages or dealing with a divorce that's leaving them financially worse off.

I know a lady who is now at retirement age. She married a man in her mid 40's. He has been in and out of work. He is in poor health and has not worked for a few years. She was made redundant about 15 years ago and set up a business then. She is still working full-time trying to build up the business more to sell it. She has to get a good price for it for both her and his long term future. If she was on her own she would be in a far better financial situation.

I would be in no rush to get married and be very careful if he is pushing this as it a broke man move. You don't want to be taking on a man with no money, no pension or a gambling problem ect who sees you as a wallet.

I understand the sense of belonging that marriage gives.

It’s a long standing human ritual for a good reason and that’s a good reason to want it.

You said that you are financially embarrassed but you own one property and you might one day inherit from your DM? Think about how you’d protect your assets including any inheritance you’d like to pass to your DD.

Do your sisters rely on you to provide care and companionship to your Mum? Perhaps they are worried they’d have to step up and make more of any effort if you have a relationship of your own?

I think you know after about a year if you want toarry someone or not (but then I've had two failed marriages and two further failed engagements, so don't listen to me!)

Anyway it's your life OP. Your sisters shouldn't try to control it. You are an adult with the right to do as you please.

I’m of the opinion that, once you’re late 40s and beyond, what’s the point in waiting around. Though I still think you should protect any assets!

If you have assets and children, then a marriage would mean a new will needed to be written after the wedding to ensure your children get what you intend them to get.

So he doesn't own a house and will be moving into yours.

You home is your biggest financial asset. Am I correct in thinking that this would become a marital asset if you marry and if he decides to divorce you, you would have to sell your home to pay him.

Don't marry him. Don't rush into something that could cost you your home.

I met my husband on a Saturday and told my work friend on the Monday I was going to marry him. We married 15 months later and are still together 35 years later.

As a homeowner - I would absolutely not get married again, no matter how in love I was or how great the guy.

Totally different for those who married fast and are still happy 35 years the line. Chalk and cheese. You are at a point where future financial independence security and should be your prime concern.

Doesn’t mean you can’t have have a wonderful relationship. If he’s not happy with that alone then you need to ask yourself, very seriously, why not.

Do you own a home and he doesn't, I'm not quite clear?

You could just live together without fully combining finances, see how you get on.

P.s. it's lovely that you have found love, that needs celebrating!