Date treating me like one of the boys

[Irritatingmen]

Hi all,

I’ve been on two dates with the same guy in the past week. The first date was a blind date and I thought it went really well — I found him very attractive, we got on, he asked me lots of questions, and he seemed pleasantly surprised at how well it had gone too.

Afterwards we texted a bit, but I noticed the texting felt a bit… dry? He’s Australian and very into “banter” — he says he’s just having fun with it, but sometimes it feels a bit much. For example, we’ve got a shared playlist and he’ll big up his choices as amazing, but if I say I like one of mine he’ll just go, “yeah, it’s all right.”

We went on a second date, and while it was fun, the banter continued. He joked loads about me being a “cougar” (I’m only a couple of years older than him!) and would sometimes respond to things I said with “I didn’t ask, haha.” It’s not nasty exactly, but I keep finding myself feeling like he’s treating me more like one of his mates rather than building any kind of emotional connection.

On the second date especially, I felt like he was showing off about his stuff rather than being curious about me. Maybe that was him trying to impress, but I’d honestly rather just have a proper 50/50 conversation.

So now I feel a bit flat. On paper, he’s attractive, funny, and clearly interested enough to meet up again — but I’m not sure I’m feeling the right kind of connection.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? Am I being too picky, or is this a red flag that he’s not really relationship material?

He said all the right things about how I looked nice and seems to be interested and up for seeing me again. But I find it all quite one sided. The first date was really great but I do just feel flat now.

it just feels a bit immature for want of a better phrase.

Think it’s time to move on - it’s only a second date and you don’t seem compatible

Hi sounds a bit of a twat tbh if he can't actually hold a conversation without inserting puerile banter which diminishes you. Date two he should all interested and running with the conversation not shutting it down with daft comments,

Banter? Shallow annoying conversation.
Boring.
How can you get to know someone who communicates in " banter "? Is there anything actually worth knowing about them?
I would move on OP.

sounds like a man-child op

would sometimes respond to things I said with “I didn’t ask, haha.

That's incredibly rude. Remember this is the best it's ever going to be. This is him trying to show you his best side. He's disrespectful and doesn't value your opinions. That on its own is enough of a reason to end the relationship.

Fair to say, you don't have to continue seeing anyone you don't want to.
Not feeling 'a connection' is reason enough.

But, from what you say I can't see he has done anything wrong.
It sounds like you liked each other and he is doing a pretty normal thing of getting to know you (as you would a friend) before getting to soppy.

It sounds like you don't want a friendship or period or both being relaxed and able to be yourselves, whereas that seems to be the way he wants to move forwards. Doesn't automatically mean one is right and one wrong. Just different.

When I look around all the people I know who are married 25+ years, the ones I knew when they started going out, spent quite a lot of time with groups of friends, and just doing things together and getting to know one another before getting in to anything deeper.

Not necessarily a red flag for everyone (although I think he'd do my head in), but not the man for you

I have to be honest I’d find his humour about as funny as a dose of dysentery so there would be no date 3 for me.
He sounds like one of those men who thinks banter - the word sets me teeth on edge anyway - means he can take the piss and be rude and you’re supposed to smile nicely otherwise be accused of having no SOH.

I don't know if it's Australian culture but I went on a few dates with an Australian guy and he was like this. Quite childish and he only drank chocolate milk.

He sounds like an immature dick. Move on.

How you’ve been made to feel is more important than anything else right now. I’d drop him now.

He sounds like an awful moron.
Move on OP.
He's not good enough and a bit dim.

He's playing the field and not looking to settle down. Next. I almost fell asleep reading that as it's so predictable.

10+ years of dating experience 😊

Other thing is that when I'm dating anyone, I think to myself 'imagine him acting this way to another woman he is talking to online' (because chances are they are). If it makes me feel cringe then I trust that.

It's hard to be objective, it is for me sometimes!

This. It sounds like he is trying to friend zone you (for the benefits…)

Am I being too picky You can't be too picky, it's called respecting yourself. You know what you think and feel, trust yourself.

this has just given me the biggest ick ever

Some people like banter, some don’t. If you don’t then you’ll likely find it very annoying so best to move on.

Throw him back.
He sounds emotionally immature.
I think he’s probably just after the fringe benefits rather than building a real connection with you - if you know what I mean.
I can’t stand ‘banter’ personally, it would irritate me.

He's negging you. His music choices are great, yours are dull; he is interesting, you are not etc. Please don't waste time on a third date.

A shared playlist after 2 dates?! Not gushing over your song choices doesn't seem a big deal to me as you are both entitled to your own choices. However, he's annoying you when he should actually be presenting his best self, why bother meeting again? He may be attractive to you, but when his personality isn't, it suggests you'll be wasting your time.

Honestly, this is 95% of Aussie blokes. The “banter” thing is just a cover for being immature and a bit misogynist. They’ll disguise it as “just having a laugh” when really it’s negging to keep you in your place.

As an Aussie girl, me and most of my friends ended up marrying men from other cultures because we got so sick of the constant neanderthal routine. Aussie guys think they’re God’s gift, when really they’re emotionally stunted and can’t hold a proper conversation without making it some weird competition.

You’re not being picky. You’re picking up that he’s not capable (or not interested) in giving you genuine curiosity, respect, or connection. That is a red flag if what you want is an actual relationship and not just some bloke who’ll forever be cracking one-liners at your expense.

Trust your gut. If you’re already feeling flat and defensive after two dates, imagine living with that 24/7. Exhausting.

He’s annoying you! I don’t see why you’re thinking twice about throwing him back?

Thanks everyone.

i think i knew deep down what i wanted but this represents my first real dating experience post long term relationship break-up (had a few months off the dating scene) and i was happy we were getting on well initially and then disappointed. So didn’t want to write him off too quickly.

my gut feel is echoing what you’re all saying. I think he likes me but he either can’t or doesn’t want to treat me in a way that is conducive to building a strong emotional connection.

its frustrating as well. We both have good jobs, I’m decently attractive (as is he), we are objectively doing well for ourselves on paper. But I feel like so much of his chat was spent showing off really about his job, his status… Like, mate, I know, I’m smart too.

His conversation veers between I didn’t ask / no-one likes a show off and ooh look at you, when I talk about something that I think is interesting that has happened or that I’ve done. I want a partner who is proud of me and wants to show me off, who builds me up basically.

i told my sibling and they said they think he sounds immature and desperately insecure. I think I will just make a polite excuse and say I’m not free for a little while and let it fizzle out