Date treating me like one of the boys

[Irritatingmen]

Hi all,

I’ve been on two dates with the same guy in the past week. The first date was a blind date and I thought it went really well — I found him very attractive, we got on, he asked me lots of questions, and he seemed pleasantly surprised at how well it had gone too.

Afterwards we texted a bit, but I noticed the texting felt a bit… dry? He’s Australian and very into “banter” — he says he’s just having fun with it, but sometimes it feels a bit much. For example, we’ve got a shared playlist and he’ll big up his choices as amazing, but if I say I like one of mine he’ll just go, “yeah, it’s all right.”

We went on a second date, and while it was fun, the banter continued. He joked loads about me being a “cougar” (I’m only a couple of years older than him!) and would sometimes respond to things I said with “I didn’t ask, haha.” It’s not nasty exactly, but I keep finding myself feeling like he’s treating me more like one of his mates rather than building any kind of emotional connection.

On the second date especially, I felt like he was showing off about his stuff rather than being curious about me. Maybe that was him trying to impress, but I’d honestly rather just have a proper 50/50 conversation.

So now I feel a bit flat. On paper, he’s attractive, funny, and clearly interested enough to meet up again — but I’m not sure I’m feeling the right kind of connection.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? Am I being too picky, or is this a red flag that he’s not really relationship material?

Or give him some honest feedback like ‘I’m not interested in seeing you again because the boasting and attempts to put me down suggest someone tiresomely insecure’?

I wonder if it’s worth doing that - probably! Don’t want to break him haha.

Funny moment came when he showed me his boss’ pic (she’s a lot older than him and has an attractive LinkedIn pic which I think is quite dated). Went to a top 5 UK university (lol so did I but who’s asking). And be was like, look at her, I’m a big fan.

i just played dumb and said she looks lovely but does he really want me to be jealous 😂

I think he thinks it’s getting serious as he can be complimentary and keeps saying oh you’ll just have to get used to me being like this, it’s who I am. Says how he likes me etc.

its tiresome!!

hea been single since uni days which I would never judge someone for (I’ve been on and off single for a while) but I can see why he’s not capable of holding down a mature adult relationship.

He sounds tedious. Another Aussie here who married a European... Literally all the Aussie guys I dated were dickheads

Agree just detach, he's not for you.

Lots of people (men and women) who are really big on the "sarky" negative random comments.

Sets my teeth on edge and seems insecure and attention seeking.

If you try to steer the conversation elsewhere they clearly just dont have basic conversational skills.

If you ask (polite) open questions, they don't actually have the ability to reply or engage, its their stream of contrarian nonsense dominating everything.

Its not even funny or witty, its just tedious.

It gets especially pathetic past a certain age - if he's tempting to date now as he has a good job/nice looking....all that wears off quite soon when he's a verbally annoying older man!

@WizardOfAus I worked with 4 aussie guys here in the UK for around 18 months. They were everything you describe and actually made me think that English blokes weren't that bad after all - which is quite a stretch. It was like being constantly in a school playground with 13 year olds. The misogyny and occasional racism wasn't even thinly veiled either. These were all young, professional, middle class men.

He just doesn't sound the right guy for you. 8 don't think there's a red flag waving, he sounds as though he is trying to impress you but it's annoying you and that's fine. It sounds to me as though you're looking for the markings of a serious relationship and he is or isn't but is taking things at a slower pace.

Go on a third date if your choosing. You will know on that date whether the ick has set in.

You've had two dates and he's already irritating you. Just ditch him and move on. He's not for you. I'm sure you're right and that he likes you, but it really doesn't matter how much he likes you if he's a complete twat. You could certainly do better, I'm sure!

"and keeps saying oh you'll just have to get used to me being like this, it's who I am"

There you go then. When a man tells you who he is, listen to him.

He sounds dreadful OP. You can definitely do better.

I second the suggestion of giving him some honest feedback. It sounds like he needs to learn some humility.

Isn't banter supposed to be funny? He isn't funny, just irritating. I wouldn't bother seeing him again.

Sounds like most guys I came across when online dating, not sure why they think their childish’banter’ is funny or impressive, multiple guys even in their mid to late 30s behaving this way, it’s not his nationality sadly. The cougar and milf comments are so over done now, if dare you to be even slightly older. I’d have the last laugh and say you don’t want to see him again.

Just my opinion but it sounds slightly Andrew Tate esque. Devaluing you, making poor jokes alluding to you being lucky because of age/job/insert whatever here.

With no longer term relationship history it might be that other women bail after the "bants" remain or get more serious.

Sorry for the Daily Mail link, but this article was published just a few months ago and further proves the point about Aussie men and their immaturity/ misogynistic views. Here’s an extract:

——-

A British woman living on the Gold Coast has sparked intense debate after she accused Australians of being 'immature' and 'emotionally-stunted'.

From what I have observed since being here, Australians have a very weird and complicated relationship with emotions,' she said. 'It ties into misogyny, it ties into men acting very strangely towards women; AKA just not knowing how to deal with them at all, or treating them like objects.
'It's just a lot worse here.'

——-

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-14581535/amp/Ive-living-Australia-three-months-Ive-noticed-glaring-problem-country.html

You're looking at being successful in dating as being able to make a relationship work, rather than finding the right relationship. Stop trying to make things work with this guy, he sounds dreadful.

Thanks all for the advice, it’s bang on.

We both went on holiday for a bit and said we’d be back in touch after. I’m not feeling it anyway and also am not a fan of his approach to communication - both in life and over text!

As mentioned, in life, it’s almost competitive. Which is boring! And over text, it’s just giving nothing. He messaged a week ago asking if I wanted him to get tickets for a certain event. I said, sounds good and sent him a picture of a food I’d just cooked (was topical to our discussion).

He left it for a week and picked up asking when I was free this week, saying he’d just come back from holiday. Honestly, I get the vibe he wants a bang maid and someone to do things with - hard pass.

He’s decent looking and takes care of himself so I find him attractive but the chemistry is 0 now from my perspective. I’m going to message him back as I don’t like ghosting but don’t know what to say!

”hey, thanks for the message but I don’t see us working out in the long term”? That sounds bad! Something friendly but calling it off

It sounds perfect, too kind.
He sounds like suchba twat.

He's begging you and he sounds insufferable. This is the best he will be. Don't accept another date.

No I won’t! Thanks 🙏

what do I say back?