His new gf is so much younger than me

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

I’m feeling so inadequate. I went on a date with a man. He was really keen. Or seemed to be. Then he ghosted me. I really missed him. Just one date but lots of chat and texts. Obviously it wasn’t a real relationship but I guess I am vulnerable and was hoping for more.

That was 7 months ago. I was so disheartened I did not bother with going on any other dates. Then I have seen on his FB he’s in a relationship with a beautiful woman a lot younger. She must be in her thirties. He’s 53. Why has this affected me so much? I guess I feel so inadequate anyway for various reason but this has me feel even more shit.

What can I do to protect myself and improve my outlook? I seem to have lost all optimism and generally feel I am worthless especially as I am getting older and I guess far less attractive. I skit feel empty and seeing him and his lovely youthful gf compounded my huge sense of inadequacy.

I think you are right - you are vulnerable and being vulnerable to the extent that you are hanging on to the memories of one date maybe means that being in the shark pool of dating might not be good for you until you can build up a bit more resilience? Also why are you looking at his Facebook? I don't look at the Facebook of my exes and certainly wouldn't do so for someone who I really didn't know at all - doubt they would be my friend on Facebook even.

Comparison is the thief of joy - never was there a truer saying eh? Don't go looking for these things - you are actively seeking out opportunities to feel crap about yourself. Draw a line, move on, immerse yourself in other things until you feel strong enough to tackle dating again. I have two big hobbies outside of my work that keep me occupied, can you do similar?

Exactly. Thanks so much for your analysis and insight. @Unverified

Best to delete Facebook and spend more time doing real life things with real life people.

You're already protecting yourself by quite rightly staying off dating sites.

You're clearly not ready for a relationship and shouldn't be trying for one if you class yourself as vulnerable.

Have you had any type of counselling?

He was after a young woman to stroke his ego you dodged a bullet, delete his fb forget about him, work on your self esteem.

I think you need to work on yourself and find ways to build yourself up.
I feel crappy sometimes and question why no one wants me, all the bad dates, the ghosting etc.
But I do have a lot of days when I think "hell, I'm bloody awesome and if they can't see it then their loss"
If you want to date, you need to have that somewhere within you or it will constantly eat away at you.

I met a lovely guy a long while ago, 3 dates, some good fun, so cute, he then called it after blowing me off so many times when I tried to arrange another date. I was rather gutted.
When I saw he'd met someone a few months later and they were a proper thing I was glad that he'd found someone. Good for him.
At so few dates you can't be envious of what you "could have had" as you haven't even got passed the general intros, seeing if you work. At that point you are still just 2 randoms.

You probably should take him off your Facebook OP.

Thank you for all the wise words.

You need to delete him from your Facebook and start working on improving your self esteem and self worth.

One date shouldn’t be having such a lasting and damaging impact on you.

If you’re going to continue to try and date you need to realise that you will go on many great dates that lead somewhere and then fizzle out, many great dates that don’t lead anywhere and many average dates and many bad dates. It’s just the way it goes. But you need to be so confident and sure of yourself that you’re not falling into a hole of “why doesn’t he like me” or “why am I not good enough”

Jesus, it was one date 7 months ago. Why are you even looking at his social media? Sort of has stalked vibes.

Part of me wants to say that you’re clearly not mentally stable enough to date so you can’t bring any men into this. Another part wants to say to just grow up and realise that dating is exhausting, takes work and feels like it goes on forever. I went on dates with 17 different men before meeting my boyfriend 18 months ago. You have to, because you’re trying to find the right person for you and they’re looking for the right person for them. That isn’t easy. Some people get lucky with the first guy they go on a date with, others need to see around. That’s why it’s called dating.

Really not sure why you got so invested in a guy you had one date with. You shouldn’t be invested in anyone until you’ve had a few dates, know them a little and have a feel for how you could be together.

Well, that’s the weird thing. We suddenly became FB friends. I didn’t send a friend request and neither did he. I checked. It was really odd. And he came up in my feed with his new gf.

It’s not that I am really invested in him per se although I really enjoyed his company and was disappointed by his ghosting. It’s more I’m thinking there is no point really because I feel like I will just get overlooked anyway. Clearly lots of work needed on me! I guess after a long abusive marriage (ended 3 years ago)

You need to run a virus scan.

Erm, did he ever have access to your phone to 'accept' his friend request? There's no way a random friendship can be made on Facebook without action by both parties...

You're allowed to be disappointed, of course you are, but to choose to view this as some kind of indictment of who you are and your value is way off base. That's s self-esteem issue for sure - self-esteem can only ever come from you and not be contingent on someone else's behaviour - I am sure you know this logically, but after an abusive marriage, it takes longer to recognise it as an emotional truth.

As I said before - hobbies are awesome, they build your confidence, they give you access to new friendships (and who knows, maybe more) - it's a good place to start when your self-esteem has taken a battering. I wish you well.

Gurrrrllll.

Your feelings are so valid, believe me!

However, you are doing yourself no favours in remaining FB friends with a man you went on ONE date with. With kindness, f*ck him. If he wants to date someone half his age, that’s up to him.

I want you to delete this random man OFF from your FB, and I want you to remind yourself why you rock!

There will always be someone smarter, more beautiful, fitter, more creative, hell maybe more talented than us… but you know what? They’re not you!!

I am sure you have so many amazing qualities, quirks, talents, lovely features, views, hopes and dreams. Don’t let some random bloke you met on a dating app let you forget that!

Move on, and while you do, please start loving yourself and focus on activities that bring you happiness and joy… because wasting time lusting after some man ain’t it!

Definitely bin him off of your FB!

Don’t be upset with whatever he is doing, just focus on what you want to do.

It’s lovely you had a great date but he obviously just didn’t feel the same and that’s okay. It doesn’t have to mean anything personal about you.

Aww, what a lovely uplifting message! Can we be friends haha

Seriously OP, I hope you see this message. You are partly hijacking your own happiness as PeonyPatch said.

see I don’t see any of this positive stuff. Clearly I don’t recognise the value in myself. Terrible really. Where does one even begin?

and re the Fb friending thing, I have a couple of friends to whom this has also happened with random people in their dcs’ school or sports WhatsApp groups. Zero friend requests made like me and this bloke.

Regardless of how you became Facebook friends, you should still remove him.

As for recognising the good things on yourself, you could start by setting a goal to write down one positive thing about yourself every day for a week. It doesn't matter how big or small. At the end of the week, read them back to yourself. Repeat it until it starts to feel natural. On bad days, go back and read the list you've made.

Thank you @StepOff

I am sure I can find some good qualities. And I should dwell on them rather than my perceived lack.

I would never talk to a friend the way I talk to myself.

It was one date- you are too fragile for online dating and I don’t mean that unkindly at all. To go out, enjoy yourself and want to go again only to find out they’re with someone else would be utterly shit. But I think online dating is brutal, I haven’t done it but friends have.
Hobbies seem to be a better way, running, tennis, dog walking, that sort of thing.

His new gf is young enough to be his carer - maybe that’s what he was aiming for! 😆lol every cloud OP!

Hi Arlanymor & OP 🙂..
I got really good advice OP from Arlanymor over the weekend .. She is a straight talking kind person..
I was ghosted by a guy I have been having far too many conversations with over the phone last Tuesday, we were chatting for a month .. We were supposed to go on a date that day , I literally thought he was the perfect guy at last for me , I just needed to meet him in person. I was down the dumps but fine again, & I have to admit mostly due to good advice on Mumsnet 😊

Anyway , sorry you are going through this OP ..
The dating game is a shark pool as pp has said & if you’re vulnerable, I’d stay miles the fuck away from it !
Delete him off everything, that’s a starter , sure you are only tormenting yourself..
Say to yourself, he is just one guy , that’s what he is …Just one guy !
Decent humans our age , I’m 49 , don’t ghost people, we’re not teenagers ..
It does suck to have our feelings hurt ..
I haven’t been to the gym in about 3 months, just got lazy 🤷🏻‍♀️..
I’ll tell you one thing, I’m starting back tomorrow 😊.. Keep myself busy again ..
Hobbies , interests as pp advised are great way to perk you back up OP , even if you just get out walking..
Also , look up confidence building classes , you can do them on line ..
I would do these if I were you before thinking about on line dating again ..
And remember OP what I said , he is just one guy !
x x

I agree - online dating is so brutal. I wouldnt recommend it at all!

definitely remove him from your fb and maybe start bolstering up your self esteem with therapy and social activities that make you feel good and build your confidence @SugarPlumpFairyCakes

What a generous, sweet and lovely post full of brilliant advice. Thanks so much @Missj25 and I am so glad you're feeling positive, it's so good to hear! We all need solidarity like this when life deals us a blow. I'm 46 and sometimes it does take a bit longer to recover from the disappointments of life because we have a bit more more life experience and for that reason hope for a bit more from life!

Why is her being younger better?
This should make it obvious that he would have been a terrible match for you, as he goes after young women. Bullet dodged
I’ve met a few men like that and got rid of them quickly