His new gf is so much younger than me

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

I’m feeling so inadequate. I went on a date with a man. He was really keen. Or seemed to be. Then he ghosted me. I really missed him. Just one date but lots of chat and texts. Obviously it wasn’t a real relationship but I guess I am vulnerable and was hoping for more.

That was 7 months ago. I was so disheartened I did not bother with going on any other dates. Then I have seen on his FB he’s in a relationship with a beautiful woman a lot younger. She must be in her thirties. He’s 53. Why has this affected me so much? I guess I feel so inadequate anyway for various reason but this has me feel even more shit.

What can I do to protect myself and improve my outlook? I seem to have lost all optimism and generally feel I am worthless especially as I am getting older and I guess far less attractive. I skit feel empty and seeing him and his lovely youthful gf compounded my huge sense of inadequacy.

Honestly, a man that’s dating someone that much younger is not someone you want. Thank goodness it was just one date. Imagine getting attached before realising he’s a wally.

You need to give yourself a firm talking to. If you haven’t had time to work out what’s good about you, then that’s a priority right now. Think about moments you feel pleased with yourself- maybe you achieved something, had a great day, helped someone. Start collecting them. It’s a good way to find out what you like about yourself.

Look in mirror and decide you like your eyes- or your nose, ears or determined mouth! Find something. Then remind yourself of it regularly!

DM was great at telling me my weaker features that needed to be hidden/disguised. Try focusing on something you like about yourself instead! I have good square shoulders and good posture. It helps clothes hang better. That’s a good thing and I’m glad about it! I’ll be honest, the most of things I don’t like is still pretty long but I rarely bother to think about it now!

Firstly, you stop comparing yourself to others. (Easier said than done, I know). For example, this new girlfriend. Don’t compare her age to yours. Someone’s age doesn’t determine their worth, despite what this sexist society says.

Start doing thing for you. Do things that make you feel good. Try new things. You need to be able to love yourself before you can love someone else.

It takes time, but you can get there!

❤️

Maybe we need a 'later daters' thread or something?! For a bit of solidarity and straight talking?

The fact that OP got ghosted shows this guy is a bad match , Ghosting is a horrible thing to do to someone..
Your tone is “ oh why would you be upset when he’s obviously a bad match “..
It is still upsetting..
When I got ghosted during week , sure obviously I knew he is an asshole, but it still hurt my feelings..
I had picked out a lovely dress , did tan ( he knew all of this as we were in constant contact ),& then my feelings turned from excitement to disappointment 🤷🏻‍♀️..

I really appreciate all the insights you’ve given me. I feel a lot better.

I still feel youth is far more appealing. Has more currency so to speak. To men anyway. I personally wouldn’t be at all interested in dating someone 15 or even ten years younger. When I saw the post, I felt, “But OF COURSE, why would anyone be interested in me if they can get someone beautiful and 20 years younger! Idiot.” I did feel really stupid and cringed at myself for even thinking a man would be genuinely interested in me. And then my spiral of gloom settled in. Not about him per se. More about my future dating prospects and sense of self worth. Comparison is indeed the thief of joy and there is very little point in bleating about it because there is nothing to be done about it - youth, that is.

But often I actually enjoy being single, thinking about it. I don’t have to walk on eggshells or worry about adultery or financial bombshells or even shaving my legs.

And there are things I’d love to pursue for myself. Work and money permitting. I already go to the gym 3 x per week. Want to learn horse riding again. Learning to play golf. I’d love to do a proper cookery course. Sewing. Getting to grips with Canva! A career change too.

Ultimately, I need to move away from seeking and needing the approval of men.

So I feel a lot better about life. Thank you for the refreshing perspectives.

That is a really odd and unpleasant thing to do to you, @Missj25 Really not cool.

It just isn’t normal behaviour.

I mean, do you think some people get a kick out of knowing the ghosted is left wondering, “Why? What did I do?” etc. Because it is disconcerting and can leave a lot of wondering and self doubt.

Morning OP 🙂..
Being rejected stings, & it doesn’t matter a damn bit that we know we “dodged a bullet “ or had a “lucky escape “ Like we know , but it still hurts ..
Jesus OP there are very few men out there that will say no to the younger woman .
I’m the same as you , zero interest in younger men , & I’d safely say most women are the same ..
At our age of course we want the attraction, excitement, but we want the good company aswel ..
I’m glad you are feeling a bit better .
I am feeling better , but at the same time staying off of on line dating for a while , I’m afraid I’ll meet someone not geuine again to be honest , eventhough I am taking the advice I got on here , & that is meet sooner rather than later besides lots of conversations on a phone thinking i’m building a connection with someone..
I know there has to be a few conversations, organise coffee & see how that goes .

Well OP you have lots of interests 👌☺️..

I know what you are saying to move away from seeking & needing the approval of men , I should take a leaf out of your book here ..
Just I’d like the male company & intimacy being honest . I don’t want to be on my own anymore ....Hopefully some day you & I will meet the right guy 🤞 X

Hey OP ..
I had my daughters 18th Last Sat night , I hadn’t drank since November before , my birthday, so was looking & feeling worse for wear last Sunday.
He video called me Sunday when I didn’t realise it was a video called for a sec , I said “ I don’t want you to see me today “ I was so hung over , I thought I had camera covered 🙈..
I’d say he thought “ so this is what she looks like “ .. He had seen me look my normal self all along! He focused on this one bad day !
He was supposed to have liked me , wouldn’t you still want to meet up in real life as planned cause we’re nearly 50 years of age & fucking on line is stupid on line ! & he knew well I looked like shit , I said it a few times to him .. He played the game then Sunday & Monday , like rang me Sunday night from 11am til 2 am 🙄 , & never even cancelled date Tuesday, just ghosted me , What a Dick !!!
My feelings were hurt though …
..

Op,you need to remove him as a Facebook friend, before he spots it, remembers and removes you, as that will hurt you even more.

you do need to seek help, to be so focused on a man you met once for a few hours, so many months later is really concerning. I get you liked him, but not everyone will feel the same back, at some point you will meet men who like you and you don’t feel that way, this isn’t about your worth or attractiveness, it is simply that chemistry between people is always unique.

focusing on your own self worth, self esteem, and being happy in your life as it is, without the need for a man, is the number one step. After that when you’re feeling strong, you could date again, but on the understanding that just as you might like someone they may not feel the same back and vice Versa, it is no relflection on anyone, just simple chemistry,

@TheRealGoosethank you. I am not really focussed on him per se. More the significance of being ghosted and then feeling inadequate as an older woman. I’m sure this bloke is not unique in his preference for younger women so it made me really gloomy about future dating and my sense of self worth.

He knows we were FB friends as he has liked a few of my posts.

@Missj25of course your feelings were hurt. That is really shabby behaviour. Cruel actually. Not even to actually cancel the date. Just to go silent.

I am certain you didn't look that different on Sunday to how you normally look.

I take it you have not reached out to him again? Has he blocked you?

Have you thought about your response if he contacts you again?

So Friday night , I was down the dumps & I know I shouldn’t have had but I went on dating App to see was he on line , you can check on App I am on , & surprise, surprise he was on line ! ..
I messaged him, not an abusive message , just along the lines of , how could you be so fake & you judged me on a video call where that isn’t what I look like in real life , that it’s on line & you need to meet someone in real life , I thought you were geuine , clearly you’re not .. You went onto play me for 2 days , then ghosted me , didn’t even have the balls to cancel date , just left me get ready to meet you but you had zero interest or intention on meeting me …
I said one thing for sure D ( his name ) , you’ve certainly opened my eyes ..
I woke up the next morning to “ I’m sorry j “, on WhatsApp 🤷🏻‍♀️..
No explanation, no saying it wasn’t the video call ( it was )..
I did look differently, I had huge bags under my eyes , I get them from alcohol the next day so I rarely drink .. I drink lots of water & they go again …
All that is irrelevant, he is supposed to be a grown man , he chatted to me for hours on end , a geuine person would have overlooked how I looked on a bad day & wanted to meet me in real life , sure I thought he liked me , not just attracted to me , you need both ..x

How would you feel if he was with an attractive successful woman the same age as him or older than him. Is it only youth that makes you feel inadequate.

I think that’s an excellent idea ! 🙌 ☺️

I don’t know. I think I’d use any stick to beat myself up about my inadequacies.

And it’s got to stop.

It’s boring and impacting my happiness if I can’t even feel reasonably content with what I have and who I am just because I am too sensitive to what men might think and want.

@Missj25that’s all you got? “I’m sorry” on WhatsApp? How lame.

Have you blocked him now?

Op, I mean this gently but do you actually know this woman’s age,it is very hard to accurately guess someone’s age by looking at her, she could be late twenties to mid forties in reality? I think you need to focus on yourself as you’re spinning this into this man just wants much younger women, if this was the case, he would not have met up with you at all. Are you sure he didn’t pursue you because a woman 20 years younger suddenly showed an interest, and not just he wasn’t feeling it, which is totally normal for first dates and not a reflection on anyone, it honestly isn’t usually that deep.

You are forgetting here pp that this man ghosted OP , he’s not geuine ..
If it was that he wasn’t feeling it & was geuine , you’d be polite & message & not ghost someone, he’s a grown man ffs !
It shows an immaturity on his side & as OP had said , he seemed very keen !
That’s a player , making you think they’re so interested when really they’re not .. That’s being fake …

No I haven’t blocked him cause I really want him to message me so that I can politely tell him to fuck right off 😂 😂..

Yeah , how lame “ I’m sorry j “ 🙄..
And you know what a wanker , he knows I think it’s over video call , so that affects my self confidence, couldn’t he have said something along the lines of ,” it’s not over video call but I don’t actually want a relationship, I’ve been thinking things over & I just want casual “ , he knows I want a relationship so that would be me & him out anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️…
That’s my point , couldn’t have cared less he hurt my feelings..

I think silence is the best option. He does not sound to be even worthy of your tapping out a message.

He could not be bothered to communicate with you. So perhaps you should not bother with him at all.

Yes , I know what you are saying , but my last message to him was showing he upset me .
I’d like if he reached out cause it’s highly possible with guys like him 🙄 that he will , looking for sex , & wouldn’t I be handy some night that he’s at a loose end …
I want to be able to send laughing emojis, point out I gave my head a wobble & then block the fucker 😂 😂

You need to work on your self confidence. Whether that's therapy or another activity. When you know your worth, nobody can make you feel inferior.