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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner and female colleague

41 replies

Confusedandbroken · 17/08/2025 08:49

So I just wanted somewhere to write this and just get other women’s thoughts on how they would feel about this .
I became suspicious of my partner (m46) being overally chatty to a new work colleague (f32) she is married just for reference.
they were chatting late at night and he became jumpy when I walked in the room which set off alarm bells to me . I brought it up with him that his new friendship made me uncomfortable and would he be ok with showing me their messages to reassure me. He said he only speaks about work with her but when he showed me messages he was trying to make the conversation sexual as in implying she gets up to naughty things when she goes away with her friends and the tone and way they were talking just felt too overally familiar? And almost how he chatted with me when we first started dating .
he said it’s just flirty banter and it’s nothing “I’m being paranoid,jealous etc” I asked him to keep it professional he reluctantly said he would even though he said he had done nothing wrong .
over the next few months he continued to message her the same way late at night , she confided in him she had an affair and he said he was just being supportive because she was going through a hard time and he understood. I was made to feel like a horrible person because I didn’t want him being this close and friendly with her ?
he’s bought her a birthday present but didn’t mention this I just saw it before he left for work . She sends him photos of what she’s up to sometimes a selfie which just seems odd considering she’s married .
I am told constantly that this is normal and he loves me and doesn’t want anyone else but it just feels wrong to me.
I am f40) and we have been together 12 years and this isn’t the first time he’s struck up a friendship with a younger female.
would this bother anyone else ? Or am I being controlling ? I don’t have anyone in real life I can talk to about this

OP posts:
OchreRaven · 17/08/2025 09:08

Nope not over reacting. If my DH overstepped and was flirty with another woman that would mean any friendship they had was dead in the water if he wanted to remain married to me.

He has admitted the flirty banter which is essentially signaling you are interested (even if not available.) It is not appropriate to be messaging a colleague about work late at night as it could be an HR issue. If they are chatting about their personal lives this is not appropriate because they are both married. He is actively putting himself in a situation where an affair could easily be the next step (if not already). If it’s true this woman has told him she has had an affair then it shows her true colours and by telling him this she is signalling to him she is open to extra martial relations.

You have already told him how you feel and he doesn’t care. If you want to protect your relationship you have to be willing to let go of it, if it’s turning into something that no longer makes you happy. I would tell him his behaviour with this colleague has you questioning who he is as a person. Regardless of whether he genuinely thinks it’s innocent (it’s not) it’s damaging your marriage and to him this relationship with his colleague is worth hurting you. I couldn’t live like that. I would be asking for space to think things through and make sure he realises you are making a decision for YOU. It doesn’t matter what his opinion is. He doesn’t get to decide how you feel or what you find acceptable. Strength and self respect is an attractive trait. People treat you how you allow them to. He will ultimately like you more if you calmly stand up for yourself.

Branleuse · 17/08/2025 09:14

He must think you were born yesterday

Cannongoose · 17/08/2025 09:15

Hi OP - yes it would. The standard MN response is … he wouldn’t be doing this with 60 year old Clive from accounts - and it’s a good reply because it drives home the essence of the situation. He does this with younger females.
In these scenarios I would let your partner know- in a very frank way - how this behaviour makes you feel.
Personally I’d be asking if he’d considered how his remarks to her would look to his employers if she accused him of harassment (I am not for one second suggesting she would) as a thought experiment- would his messages look innocent to a third party is that I’m getting at.
Id tell him you don’t enjoy feeling second best or being undermined. It isn’t about friendship with the opposite sex but about, in his own words, flirty banter, with a colleague.
Make it clear if you won’t tolerate it and let him decide what he will do.
I wouldn’t bother snooping etc I’d just tell him I’m not enduring this and I’ll go find my own older sexy man to flatter me and fawn over me because I’m not putting up with sneaky and undermining our supposed caring relationship.
Life is too short to endure things we don’t need to endure.

TimeLineTori · 17/08/2025 09:15

Yes this would bother me.

You are correct he is behaving and treating you badly.

Screenshot their conversations and post them onto her h, he's been taken for a mug too.

Ohlifelife · 17/08/2025 09:16

Even if they were only talking about work messaging outside working hours and particularly late at night isn't acceptable. She is encroaching on his personal time with you and his outside work life.

There is no such things as " flirty banter": it is flirting. And if he is in a relationship with you then he shouldn't be flirting with other women.

Obviously knowing she has had an affair has given him the green light to think he is in with a chance. And actually they are well down the route of emotional affair, even if it hasn't turned physical yet.

You say he has history for inappropriate friendships with women. And his reaction to your concerns about this women show he doesnt care about you and your feelings so long as he gets to behave how he likes. This is who he is.
Personally I'd rather be single than be in a relationship with a man who can't be faithful .
You don't deserve to be treated like this OP.

Mauvehoodie · 17/08/2025 09:18

You’re not being controlling or overreacting. He’s treating you like you’re stupid. I’d say “oh great, I thought sexual innuendos were off the table as we’re together but if it’s acceptable then I’ll crack in with a couple of the guys from work…”.

MyDadWasAnArse · 17/08/2025 09:21

Apart from showing a lack of respect to his wife and family this also has potential to get him in trouble at work for sexual harassment. She could use this as ammunition if anything went wrong at work.

TwistedWonder · 17/08/2025 09:26

Why does he think flirty banter between two married work colleagues is appropriate? It’s definitely emotional affair territory and therefore cheating imo.

The problem is you know he’s done it before and you let it go so he now knows there’s no consequences. He won’t change this is who he is unless you want a life where he emotionally cheats with an endless stream of younger women then walk way now!

InSpainTheRain · 17/08/2025 09:33

You are absolutely not over reacting and I wouldn't like this either. Of course it's gone way over the boundaries of a professional work relationship - late night messages (unless on a one-off demanding project and both are working) and selfies and chat about affairs isn't professional and well outside what is needed for work. He's obviously enjoying the attention of a younger woman and her confession of an affair in the past sounds a bit of a "come on" to me (she is kind of saying "I've done it once" implying she'd do it again).

I'd be having a serious chat with him - but he may just hide it. I'm sorry OP, doesn't sound good.

beelegal · 17/08/2025 09:36

He bought her a birthday present.

Why? As he and she are married. They are not 10 years old.
That alone tells you that something is off.

Sorry OP

Edenmum2 · 17/08/2025 10:29

The birthday present is wild.

Original poster
Confusedandbroken · 17/08/2025 10:40

Yes he bought her a book about believing in herself more 🤢 she kindly sent a photo of herself on holiday reading it and he was so proud of her apparently . It’s just the way they speak . She raves about how amazing he is and how he understands her like no one else and he just builds her up saying how she can do anything as she is unstoppable etc . I just couldn’t put my finger on why it was bothering me so much as some of the messages are just them chatting but it seems so unnecessary

OP posts:
RedRec · 17/08/2025 10:51

He is following 'The Script' to the letter.
Sorry you are going through this, OP. It is a tale as old as time.

Missj25 · 17/08/2025 13:07

OchreRaven · 17/08/2025 09:08

Nope not over reacting. If my DH overstepped and was flirty with another woman that would mean any friendship they had was dead in the water if he wanted to remain married to me.

He has admitted the flirty banter which is essentially signaling you are interested (even if not available.) It is not appropriate to be messaging a colleague about work late at night as it could be an HR issue. If they are chatting about their personal lives this is not appropriate because they are both married. He is actively putting himself in a situation where an affair could easily be the next step (if not already). If it’s true this woman has told him she has had an affair then it shows her true colours and by telling him this she is signalling to him she is open to extra martial relations.

You have already told him how you feel and he doesn’t care. If you want to protect your relationship you have to be willing to let go of it, if it’s turning into something that no longer makes you happy. I would tell him his behaviour with this colleague has you questioning who he is as a person. Regardless of whether he genuinely thinks it’s innocent (it’s not) it’s damaging your marriage and to him this relationship with his colleague is worth hurting you. I couldn’t live like that. I would be asking for space to think things through and make sure he realises you are making a decision for YOU. It doesn’t matter what his opinion is. He doesn’t get to decide how you feel or what you find acceptable. Strength and self respect is an attractive trait. People treat you how you allow them to. He will ultimately like you more if you calmly stand up for yourself.

Edited

OP..
This is very good advice & everything pp says is true ..

washinwashoutrepeat · 17/08/2025 13:09

Yeah, no. Spidery senses are there for a reason. Trust them. This is the foundation for starting an affair .

RealEagle · 17/08/2025 13:28

They sound more like a dating couple ,rather than work colleagues

Original poster
Confusedandbroken · 17/08/2025 13:33

Thank you everyone I really appreciate you all commenting on this . I’m usually fed with the “I’m just being friendly “ line but I’m just sick of it . I think I know what I have to do

OP posts:
Oxo01 · 18/08/2025 01:34

Tell him its over as you belive in yourself and worth, then ask if hes proud of you !

MuckFusk · 18/08/2025 03:50

He's gaslighting you. You have seen evidence with your own eyes that they are, at a bare minimum, having an emotional affair, and he's telling you that you haven't actually seen that, you're just "paranoid." The fact that he's doing that can be taken as further evidence that he's up to no good.
It's probably it's a full blown affair since it's been going on for awhile. Affairs rarely stay just emotional, they become physical at some point.
I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

SunflowerTed · 18/08/2025 04:01

As a previous poster suggested tell him you want space. I wouldn’t be putting g up with this. He is married to you so this behaviour is unacceptable. Tell him this before you pack him off to his parents. Take control

99bottlesofkombucha · 18/08/2025 04:09

My relationship is incompatible with my husband supporting friends through the self inflicted trauma of having had an affair.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/08/2025 04:30

Full blown emotional affair.

Take your time to get your ducks in a row OP. Wishing you all the best

Cannongoose · 18/08/2025 19:49

She’s “unstoppable “? I wonder if HR thinks the same

MyDadWasAnArse · 19/08/2025 09:25

Cannongoose · 18/08/2025 19:49

She’s “unstoppable “? I wonder if HR thinks the same

He's pathetic isn't he?

Original poster
Confusedandbroken · 19/08/2025 14:13

Thank you everyone , I think that’s the part that stings the most is all the emotional support he’s giving her when he neglects that with me . It almost feels like it would be easier and less confusing if he just outright cheated but he still has this deniability that “nothing has happened “. The best bit though (sarcasm implied ) is he asked if I was going through the early menopause in response to my being upset after reading their chat exchange …..

OP posts:
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