Partner and female colleague

[Confusedandbroken]

So I just wanted somewhere to write this and just get other women’s thoughts on how they would feel about this .
I became suspicious of my partner (m46) being overally chatty to a new work colleague (f32) she is married just for reference.
they were chatting late at night and he became jumpy when I walked in the room which set off alarm bells to me . I brought it up with him that his new friendship made me uncomfortable and would he be ok with showing me their messages to reassure me. He said he only speaks about work with her but when he showed me messages he was trying to make the conversation sexual as in implying she gets up to naughty things when she goes away with her friends and the tone and way they were talking just felt too overally familiar? And almost how he chatted with me when we first started dating .
he said it’s just flirty banter and it’s nothing “I’m being paranoid,jealous etc” I asked him to keep it professional he reluctantly said he would even though he said he had done nothing wrong .
over the next few months he continued to message her the same way late at night , she confided in him she had an affair and he said he was just being supportive because she was going through a hard time and he understood. I was made to feel like a horrible person because I didn’t want him being this close and friendly with her ?
he’s bought her a birthday present but didn’t mention this I just saw it before he left for work . She sends him photos of what she’s up to sometimes a selfie which just seems odd considering she’s married .
I am told constantly that this is normal and he loves me and doesn’t want anyone else but it just feels wrong to me.
I am f40) and we have been together 12 years and this isn’t the first time he’s struck up a friendship with a younger female.
would this bother anyone else ? Or am I being controlling ? I don’t have anyone in real life I can talk to about this

What a pair of CF's!

This really resonated with me.

My EDH was like this.

I'm just beign friendly.

You are jealous.

You'd like her too.

I am married to you aren't I.

I was so lonely and neglected.

But now I am very happy and have a new attentive DH.

I've gone through something similar with my wife messaging a male work colleague.

There is nothing normal or appropriate about the messages your partner is getting involved in. He has got way too involved with her and needs to get his priorities sorted. Sounds very much like he's having an emotional affair.

I feel for you OP because I remember vividly the feeling knowing your partner is giving so much attention to someone else. I had to get to a place where my boundaries were more important than if my marriage survived or not. I let alot of things go but by the time I confronted my wife I had fully accepted that the way she was behaving was not any kind of marriage I had any interest of continuing. The way your partner is behaving is not any kind of healthy relationship. And yes I also many times wished she'd physically cheated because it felt like it would have been easier to deal with than months of emotional connection with somebody else.

Its already an emotional affair.

I’m sorry…but…I actually work with two people who are suspected of having an inappropriate relationship by everyone. They take lunch together, they message each other, buy gifts for each other…he is VERY married, but it’s clear he is in love with her. She told me likes / enjoys his attention. It’s not innocent. It never is.

I think you must also know that?

This.

And if they haven't met up and shagged already, I'd be surprised.

I can be supportive of my male colleagues, but not in a way that would make DH feel uncomfortable or like I had anything to hide.

Ducks in a row OP, take control and tell him what happens next - good luck x

Update - after saying I wanted to end things he has now had an epiphany. He has booked to see a therapist to work out why he needs validation from other women . He seems to think this solves the issue. He has stopped messaging the coworker (as far as I’m aware) . I feel like I’m in limbo . He’s also being very attentive which is very confusing .

He is actively trying to start a relationship with her: flirty banter, signalling his interest, buying her presents. If she is interested, this will become an affair. I would reconsider my marriage.

Just saw this. You are an awesome woman. It's not easy to be strong like this. Be very fucking cynical of all this.

So you're not sure he has stopped messaging his co-worker you only think he has. He's expecting you to accept his word when he has already been proven to lie and gaslight you. Why the change to suddenly want to see a therapist when all along he has told you he has done nothing wrong?
Tread carefully.

He clearly wants an affair and thinks he’s got a chance because of her track record.
And he’s been furtive and dishonest so I wouldn’t trust him now.

I agree with others, his sudden change of heart is a little bit too late really. Its very easy to be taken in by it, but if you take him back it's very likely that once the dust settles he will be back to his old tricks.
Be very careful and look after yourself first.

Since he has already crossed boundaries I would have no second thoughts on going through his phone to see if what he said is true. The only problem is with all the new fonctions the discussions can be set to delete themselves on WhatsApp after being read so just because you don't find anything doesn't mean it's all good. I would regularly look at his phone and watch my back because his past behaviour is the only thing you got to go by..

And if you behaved in the exact same way, with a man 10yrs your junior… but assured your husband that it’s fine and you’re doing nothing wrong…. He’d be ok with that? If not you have your answer….

I'm sorry OP, but if he's not having a proper affair already, he's certainly making the chat flirtatious as a way of signalling that he's open to sexual contact. The late night communication isn't innocent either.

He knows why he wants validation from women OP - it's because it intoxicating, a turn-on, and the therapist appointment is there to make you think that he's going to change.

Men who love their wives and are fully committed an invested don't behave like he does. He's a liability, and probably will be a liability for whichever woman he ends up with.

Just read the menopause comment.

Jesus Christ. What a textbook male abuser response - behaving inappropriately and then having the gumption to accuse your wife of being either crazy or hormonal for recognising it. He thinks so little of you.

I agree. Every time I had a fallout with ex fiance he would come back with it's PMT, time of the month rubbish.