Need help with organising my life leaving and abusive relationship

[Birchtree1]

My ex, father of my 2 children has finally left. A non molestation order was granted which I guess explains certain aspects of how the separation is going.
I have always been the home maker while still working 3 1/2 days a week. He out earns me 5 fold.
Our Internet stopped working. I have no information how to log into our account with plusnet ( while I did all the domestic stuff he always dealt with mortgage, Internet, electricity etc)
He told our older child the Internet isn't working and he's the only one who can fix it but won't fix it as he doesn't want to.
I have turned the router on and off, have reset it and it's still not working.
What do I do now? Do I just need to order a new line/ modem/ contract?
While I am good at the domestic stuff I haven't dealt with this kind of technical problem for many years!
He has also logged me out of our joint amazon account even though I pay for prime and have done for years ( his email address)
I want to try and sort this shit but don't know how.

He just started tethering his work phone to use the Internet. My phone contract hasn't got enough data to tether my iPad, telly and the kids devices.
And I know i am pathetic. But trying to get my life back on track and take control again.

Get a new internet service, cancel the prime payment with the bank and open a new Amazon account. Breathe, you've got this

Contact Amazon and either close your account or ask to change details on the account.

For the rest, contact the financial abuse helpline and there's lots of information on their website
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-we-do/financial-support-line/

OK, time to put your big pants on, but you've got this.
Go onto u switch broadband and arrange to have Internet in your name, mines 25 a month for 1gb. Contact your bank cancel your prime and reopen in your name.

Thank you! I have felt paralysed for a long time.
Also will need to take over electricity, insurance for house etc.
Need to take charge of my life again but currently just surviving and all my strength goes towards my children and their wellbeing and keeping my job.
He does pay still pay large parts of the bills and child maintenance.
It's just that I have relied on him over ' this is the right phone, tablet, Internet provider' etc for so many years that i am finding it hard to sort this.
I could just start a new plusnet contract in my name i guess.

There's a lot of information here:
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/de-linking-from-the-abuser/separating-your-finances/

I would get advice first as it can be complicated.

Also I can't cancel the prime without access to the account. It's with his email address and he changed the password.
He told our son he forgot his password ( bollocks he did, it's a very particular one to him) and that he wouldn't tell us the new one.
He is just trying to stay in control and i dont want him to.
will try and call plusnet but also I need the landlines as my parents live in a different country and i am not sure they will just give me a different phone number for the same address.
I can have a look as I think its set up as a direct debit re the amazon prime.
His money was always the mortgage, bills , council tax etc.
Mine was amazon prime, all memberships, all our clothes, savings for kids, pets, childcare , trips. Meals , days out, holidays, most food. So I haven't sponged of him completely.
I still earned less than I did before I had the kids and he has tripled his salary since we met.

Cancel the payment via your bank, tell them to block it, then open a new Amazon account, I've had a few. It might be worth getting a new card if he has the details though

It's a recurring card payment with prime, I don't think direct debit is offered. You usually need to cancel subscription payments by phoning your bank if you can't access the account. There's ways and means, don't worry.

Also it's less about the amazon thing.
More about the phone line and internet to sort and feeling so helpless and pathetic.

Re the internet, have a look at the label on the back of the router and it should have the admin password on.

Open a web browser and enter 192.168.1.254, then give the details from the sticker when prompted. Once you’re in, you should be able to find where to change the WiFi password. Most importantly, if you succeed in doing this, also change the admin password on the router while you’re in there, even if you just add a character at the end, so that he can’t sneakily change it back while standing outside.

If he’s changed the admin password himself out of spite, you’ll need to do a factory reset of the router by pressing and holding the reset button on the back, which will make it go back to the password on the label.

While you’re at it, make a note of the WiFi password he changed it to, and see whether it unlocks your Amazon account as well: it’s entirely possible that he’s made the password something petty and that he’s reused it wherever he feels he’s able to annoy you. If he has and you can get back into your Amazon account that way, you can edit the email address in the account settings, and make sure to set up 2 factor authentication while you’re at it.

I don’t know whether he’s likely to know your passwords for email etc, but it’s probably safest to assume that he does, so next step is to change your email password if you haven’t already, as well as making sure you have 2FA on there for added safety. Ditto social media.

I know this is all overwhelming, but between us here we have more than enough knowledge and experience to help.

Thank you so much!
I have reset the router and restarted the hub. I have some internet but it is very patchy and slow and the speed test won't work as it's so slow. As in it just doesn't go anywhere as it is so slow.
In regards of passwords for my emails. I only have contact through my work email with my solicitor. And he doesn't know about this. I changed most passwords recently due to being worried about this.
He won't stand outside as he has accepted the non molestation for now. But is contesting it but this will take a couple of months. And at least this will give me a breather.
My ND child got annoyed with the Alexa as she wasn't responding to his demands and unplugged everything including the router. Since then the internet hasn't worked properly. It still works but keeps loosing connection and is very slow when it has connection.
In my childrens fathers words ' I could fix it but I won't and I am the only one who can' ( he said this to our children)
Internet speed always used to be fine. Just did a speed test with my mobile and it is 1.92mb.

My last reply was kind of for you ....am clutching at straws now....

I think it's better now....I restarted my tablet and my phone....thank you so much for your help! @GrumpyInsomniac

For Amazon, contact your bank and ask to cancel the recurring transaction. This means they will block payments from continuing to go out.
Internet - look up and get your own broadband as whoever controls the broadband can check the entire internet history of anyone on the router.
Consider something like Voxi - it's cheap and all your streaming/social media is free so you could pay £15 a month for your phone to get like 10gb but included in it is all YouTube/netflix etc so you could hotspot and let your kids watch it.

The best thing to do is write down all bills responsibilities e.g. mortgage/rent, council tax/insurances etc.
Set up a new bank account if you haven't already done so. This means you'll have a sort code and account number that he has absolutely no knowledge of.
Discuss with your solicitor and agreement for how finances will be split whilst separation is on going. This will let you know what to focus on.

It isn't easy but remember it's a process so give yourself grace and take it step by step ❤️❤️

You’re very welcome. That’s part one sorted, but I would still add a character to the admin password as a precaution. And so much for him being the only one who can fix it. Take some satisfaction from how much he will seethe when the kids tell him you got it working again :)

Now, the Amazon account. Have you tried the password from the WiFi to log into the Amazon account?

I have set up a new amazon account. I don't really give a rats arse about the £95 I paid for our joint prime. I was just mentioning it to pointnout his pettiness. I also had credit on the account from a birthday voucher. But again I won't lower myself to ask for it back as that's really what he wants me to do!
Am speaking to my solicitor on Monday and will discuss access to electricity supplier etc.
I had just given him a meter reading about a week before court date so assume that's sorted for now. I know house insurance is sorted for the next few months too.
I am trying mainly to make sure my kids are okay. They are hurting and obviously blame me for going to court and him leaving. This is taking up most of my energy.
Solicitor is costing an arm and a leg but I have some savings.
I am terrified about court re the c2 and c100( emergency child order and normal child arrangement order) he has filed his own c100.
Has already sent an email to my solicitor full of lies.
It's just all bit much and I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time which then sends me into a state of not being able to do anything...if this makes sense.

Also @GrumpyInsomniac I am sorry I am unloading here and to you but is is actually helping! There is only so much you can whinge to your real life friends...

Well done op you are doing amazingly

I recently left a relationship of 16 years which had become abusive and controlling

I was worried about the impact on the DC but they have managed really well and I think are happier day to day as not living in the atmosphere anymore

Brighter days are coming

If the internet is in both your names call them and ask for help, if they won’t help, then take yourself off the account and direct debit. Then get a new internet service. Don’t tell your ex about it.

@Birchtree1 unload away. You are doing incredibly well, and while you will have wobbles along the way, this is all forward progress.

Of course the kids are going to have feelings about this and your ex will likely be doing his best to push all blame onto you. As the child of divorced parents I can only say that if you continue to just focus on being their mum and loving them, they will eventually see the difference and start to understand.

I would contact the school ahead of the start of the new term to explain what is happening and ensure that there is support in place for them when they go back. I would also consider whether a couple of sessions of family therapy with you and the kids can help them understand why this is necessary in an age-appropriate way.

I completely get not wanting to just offload onto people IRL. I’ve been fighting cellulitis for the last fortnight, including a hospital admission for IV antibiotics so we could get the infection under control. I’ve felt very sorry for myself but also not like I could just call someone up and moan or seek sympathy. I do have a friend I could call, but she’s hugely busy and also going through a divorce at the moment and I don’t want her to have more on her plate. And in the meantime I’m going stir crazy at home, where I have strict instructions to keep my foot raised for as long as I’m on antibiotics and I can’t do anything, because I have sciatica down the same side. So it’s nice for me to be useful to somebody, I promise xx

@GrumpyInsomniac
I am sorry to hear about your problems with cellulitis! It is horrible and hard to treat!
School are aware but they have been crap. We asked for their records just before the summer holidays and they told us earliest would be mid September and also that they weren't aware of any domestic abuse at home. I don't think they kept proper records of our conversations and what has been happening.
I have tried private therapy for my older child and that didn't work.
I have self referred to social services. They visited a few days ago and may be able to give some support in regards of therapy.
I am trying really hard to organise as much as I can for the children but where we live also sadly gives certain limitations re support. ( I am being a bit nondescript as I am already giving to many outing facts)

Sending a big hug. I’m glad social services are being helpful, and if nothing else they can bear witness to the fact that you have been doing your absolute best for the kids in really shitty circumstances.

When my parents separated, my brother was only 11 and idolised his dad, and he really didn’t take this well. Not helped by Dad telling him he had to be the Man Of The House in his absence. I think Mum had the patience of a saint, but she understood that his anger was at the situation, even if he didn’t know how to separate her and the situation at the time. We had also only moved house a couple of months beforehand so everything was changing at once.

She decided to set up some new routines and special rituals for us as a trio while Dad was off with OW, making us get involved with creating them. So where we’d had a particular Saturday morning routine before that had largely been based around what worked for Dad, she asked whether there were any changes we wanted to make since we should all have an equal vote on what we wanted. So the breakfast foods changed, and things also became a lot more relaxed. And we found a programme we all wanted to watch together on a Thursday evening and these became our things, as our little family, that bonded us when we needed it most.

Is there anything like that you could try that might made your eldest feel like they were more in control of at least one or two things while they get used to the new normal? But also, are you able to keep an eye on what their father is sending in the way of messages to make sure he’s not sabotaging anything you try to do to help them through it?

Am trying hard to settle us all down. My oldest is only 11 and ND so it can be difficult to deal with them.
We have been making home made smoothies once a day and I let them go wild with this.
( i still worry when they chop stuff)
Making their favourite foods, walks, had 6 days away with friends with riding and body boarding etc.
Trying to make it as nice as possible.
I know they will hate me for what is happening and their dad will make sure of this also and already is. I am in it for the long game. Won't slag dad off, reassure them about everything and one day when they are older they will realise for themselves.
Oldest only has a phone and I check messages regularly. ( mainly to make sure friends don't say horrible things) dad knows this. And that's the only contact at the moment until next hearing ( I hope)

Then you are doing everything within your power. Short of being able to tell them an age-appropriate version of why the non-mol exists, which is hard to do without criticising their father, all you can do is carry on.

I know it’s horrible, but it will pass.

In the meantime, I would contact Plusnet to take over the account so he can’t cancel it out from under you. And look at any other vital services you might want in your name alone. It might also be worth checking the Women’s Aid website for the various things they have there. Don’t go neglecting your own needs xx