Need help with organising my life leaving and abusive relationship

[Birchtree1]

My ex, father of my 2 children has finally left. A non molestation order was granted which I guess explains certain aspects of how the separation is going.
I have always been the home maker while still working 3 1/2 days a week. He out earns me 5 fold.
Our Internet stopped working. I have no information how to log into our account with plusnet ( while I did all the domestic stuff he always dealt with mortgage, Internet, electricity etc)
He told our older child the Internet isn't working and he's the only one who can fix it but won't fix it as he doesn't want to.
I have turned the router on and off, have reset it and it's still not working.
What do I do now? Do I just need to order a new line/ modem/ contract?
While I am good at the domestic stuff I haven't dealt with this kind of technical problem for many years!
He has also logged me out of our joint amazon account even though I pay for prime and have done for years ( his email address)
I want to try and sort this shit but don't know how.

Yes, I definitely need to talk to plusnet but they most likely won't talk to me as the account is in his name. I will try on Monday.
I have explained to the kids in an age appropriate way...as in...we are all unhappy together amd individually and it's not working this way and a judge will have a look and decide what is best for all of us to let us move forward and be happy again. I will not say anymore and have never and will never badmouth their dad ( he is a whole other story and let my eldest read some of the court papers and told them I am trying to take them away from him and am evicting him)

You had exactly the same division of finances as in my abusive marriage, and when my ex finally left it was exactly the same chaos. I too was focussing on mental health, supporting the children, and holding firm with the legal process— and so things like bills and lack of access really made me stumble even though they’re relatively unimportant. It’s another thing that just makes you realise how little control you’ve had. My ex did a horrid stunt: was looking after the children and ‘wouldn’t let me know they were ok’ till I transferred everything into my name. Then and there. It was terrifying and I could hear the little one crying in the background.

I think you’re doing exactly the right things, and I prioritised keeping the connection and care wifh the children central too. Basically I accepted a chaotic financial landing as long as it was all moving in the direction of eventually being free. Three years down the line and I’ve spent god knows how much on legal things, learning to manage bills/wrong deals, childcare, therapy, storage facilities (a parent died at the same time so it was complete chaos). However, me and the children are doing well and this year I will complete the second phase of finally cutting emergency/irrational costs and living as one should.

For the first year my ex was highly engaged, sending long deceitful rants and letters from faked solicitors, threats and also weird financial abuse like cancelling things he still had the password to. Then he lost interest as the control ebbed and we haven’t seen him since.

Tl;dr good luck, keep prioritising the important things and stick with the legal process no matter what pushback he does. Consider a mesher order. Accept this may be a long storm, but eventually you will reach shore.

@ChersHandbag
Thank you for your reply!
I am sorry you had such a shitty time and it lovely to hear you are coming out the other side!

I think currently I am sticking my head into the sand too much sadly!
I have a ball of adrenaline in my tummy most of the time.

I am terrified about the children arrangement hearing. I proposed no overnights initially but now supervised contact only as he is emotionally abusive to the children too ( and has been for a long time, main reason for separation and I should have done this a long time ago and wasn't strong enough)
He told Court that he filed his own c100. I don't know the details yet.

Funnily enough our youngest doesn't want to speak to him ( even though I offer....my best friend said to stop offering and wait for them to ask to speak to him) the older one has a phone and hasn't bothered for the last couple of days.

I read something about 'fawn response' which describes me very well. I need to change this! I already have friends and colleagues pulling me up on my constant apologising, never saying no and thanking everyone for everything all the time.

I don't want my children to turn into mini me's or mini him's. I hope i haven't left it to late.
Social services are looking into something called functional family therapy for me and the kids. I am keeping my fingers crossed for this!

Hi there. Just had a read through and I am sorry that you and your children are going through this.
I am five months in now from having my abusive long term partner forced to leave the home - no children involved though.

The practicalities of sorting everything kept me sane in the early days. It also made me feel quite empowered, like I was finally taking some control of my own life back. I found it helpful to have a list of things I needed to do and then would try and get one thing a day done. Like you, I was quite befuddled by anything to do with routers and internet settings and actually threw the router into the back garden at one point! It seemed to work better after that too.

Try not to deal with too much though. Your mind and body also needs to rest and recuperate from the experience. Be kind to you, have little treats, look forward to something and just take one hour/day at a time.

It does all get better although you may never master the router/internet thingy. But there is always someone who will know how to do it.

Have a peaceful Sunday 🌻

You have had great advice on this thread. Keep doing one thing at a time, you will get there. My suggestion is to use a notebook to record every service, passwords, pin numbers and user names. Use a fresh page for each one. I can never remember these but I can flip through my little book to remember what I did when I set up online accounts. It's been really useful. Just keep it in a safe spot!

Hello @Birchtree1 — yes I remember the feeling well, a physical fear at all times. The children will be so glad they have an unmanupulative space with you. You don’t realise it now but you’ve really saved them, long term.

Like all these types he’ll be retaliating hard because he feels scrutinised and attacked. This will endure as long as he knows he’s under focus. But eventually he will go and you will be free. It’s hard to endure in the mean time.

Don’t be down on yourself. Fawn is only one shake away from ‘grey rock’ (look it up) — being unresponsive and distant in a way that stops men like this from finding purchase. You’re doing well, and also I think it is instinctive to be extra nice to those helping you, it is how you’re sending a message that you’re going to need them: it is, like cats purring for food, antipicatory. It sounds like you’ve managed to keep a good support network, well done.

I described the transition from first phase (which you’re in) to second phase like this: it feels like being on a boat in a terrible storm, and you’ve hidden below deck in terror to survive. But after a while it dawns on you that there is no captain of the ship and you are going to have to go back up top and steer through the storm yourself. And that is how so many survivors/divorced women end up seeming like warriors. You will get there too. The first phase took over a year for me, but now I can do anything.

I have come back home after a few days away with the kids to keep their minds off everything going on.
Both the phone and internet have been disconnected. Spent an hour trying to sort this on the phone. Can't keep my old home phone number and it will take 2 weeks.
Also have a letter ' to the new home owner ' in regards of electricity. It's a bank Holiday weekend. Will try and call them tomorrow.
He just told my 11 year old i knew re the phone ( I didnt) , I am lying about the electricity and that i have 'plenty of money' and that he ' didnt want any of this'
I am truly flabbergasted. And upset. Have cried all the tears....
He also told our 8 year old that he couldn't be at her birthday as he ' wasn't allowed'
I have 2 kids in bits and the asd one dysregulated. It's awful.

Sorry, only just seeing this now. Give the broadband/phone supplier a call this morning and explain the situation. Yes, you’ll need to have an installation, but you may get lucky and happen across someone who sympathises with you over your abusive ex’s behaviour and pulls out the stops to get things resolved asap.

If you’ve had a ‘new owner’ letter from the electricity supplier, it’s unlikely they will cut the supply. Again, phone call today to get this set up.

Keep a journal of all of the things he says and does, including what he says to your kids, so that you have a contemporaneous account of what is happening in case you need to rely on it in the future.

The next thing to do is to see what’s happening with regard to the mortgage on the house, because if he is cutting off paying for the utilities and the phone/broadband, that’s probably the next thing he’ll try to use to make your life difficult. And you need to get an appointment with a divorce lawyer asap. Make a list of questions in advance, have the paperwork to hand for the non-mol order, and make use of any free initial meetings at two or three so you can get a feel for the person. Ask any divorced friends for recommendations, too.

As far as the kids are concerned, you may simply have to say that the reason daddy no longer lives with you is because he bullied mummy, and because the judge says he can no longer do so in person, he is trying to find other ways to upset you, like cutting off the broadband, because he knows it will make life harder for all of you. I would tell the 8 year old that while it is true that because of his own bullying behaviour towards you, the courts won’t let him come to the house, there is nothing to stop her father taking her out to celebrate her birthday when he next sees her.

I know you’ve not wanted to badmouth him to the kids, but so long as you’re clear with them that he loves them, it’s just that he’s a bully to their mum and the court feel it’s not safe for you to have him in the house, then you’re not actively trying to alienate them from him. But you are giving them a reason why these things are happening, and why what he says about you is not truthful.

Welcome to the 'smear campaign' phase.
All abusive men (or women) do this - some earlier, some later but its all to be expected and part of their 'tool kit'.
It took mine about 5 months to start with the bad mouthing, lies, flipping the script so as he was the victim.
They do get bored eventually but in the meantime, you need to grow a thicker skin. Do not retaliate as that is what they want - a reaction from you.
Just try and say to yourself 'whatever' with a shoulder shrug and a smile as they are so predictable.
Its sad that they use the children in this way and I was lucky that mine were all grown up (and he knew better than to even try bad mouthing me to them!) but they will contact friends, work colleagues, neighbours, the woman on the checkout at Tesco - anyone and everyone that will listen to their spouting.

You know the truth, your children will remember as they get older that he was the one being nasty to you, whilst you provided a safe, secure and peaceful home without the need to run him down.

Head high, dignity and decorum and lots of deep breaths 🌻

As well as staying one step ahead with the practical things - council tax, water, has etc. You need to tell the DC age appropriate truth, not bad mouthing about their Dad but they need to be reassured that he is untruthful and his behaviour towards them and you isn’t ok.

They need to develop their own inner voice and sense of self etc.

@GrumpyInsomniac
I mustn't say anything bad to the children. Also the judge was very clear on this at the hearing for the non molestation.
Sadly they did see me get quite upset when I realised after getting home from our holiday last night.
I have spoken to provider re telephone and internet and they were lovely but it's still going to be 2 weeks until they can come out.
Sadly also we aren't married even though we're together for 14 ish years.
I am screwed financially but at least I will get half the house equity. He has put in maximum tax free contributions into his private pension. I still arn less than before I had the kids as he works so much and I went part time after the kids.
Can't call energy provider now til Tuesday as its a bank holiday weekend.
He also lied to the children and told them I knew re the phone/ internet and also that he didnt cancel the energy contract.
He also told them this morning that all of this isn't his choice and ' he will make sure they hear the truth'
We had such a lovely time away and now my kids are all upset and angry and asd child is dysregulated and aggressive.

@Sunflowers67
I will not rise to it. He is not allowed to contact me anyway. I will never badmouth him in front of the children. I am playing the 'long game' they will realise by themselves one day.
Just need to keep them safe from this abuse.

I have a solicitor....and it's draining my resources quickly.
I was really conflicted re contact between kids and their father but actually he has behaved and is behaving so badly I have less guilt. I can't expose them to so much manipulation and vitriol!

Water is all sorted. We have a private supply and I get the bill through the door.
He needs to send some money for mortgage otherwise I can't pay it nd it will reflect badly on his credit scoring too.
Insurance is one thing but I think its been paid for in the spring.
Can't think of anything else. Probably need a new aa membership?
It's just all.to much! ....or at least it feels like it....

Head high, dignity and decorum and lots of deep @Sunflowers67
I love this and am trying very hard!

Not being married is both a blessing and a curse in this case. You’d be better off financially if you were married as you could go after his pension as well as a bigger portion of the home equity. With that said, at least now you can log a claim with CMS for maintenance. And at least he can’t drag out divorce proceedings as another way of prolonging the abuse the way my SIL’s ex has been doing for the last 4 years.

As far as the mortgage is concerned, I wouldn’t put it past him to accept the payment blip on his credit record, purely because he knows it will hit you harder when you try to find somewhere else to live. So you may be better off contacting your mortgage provider and requesting a payment holiday to pre-empt that. He’s not being reasonable at the moment, and he’s still trying to find ways to hurt you now he can’t do so face to face. This is likely to include any way he can penalise you financially, like he’s done with the internet and the electric.

I would also not assume that the insurance is immune from this: even had he paid for the year up front, he can call them up and cancel it because he’s moved house and simply accept the early cancellation fee, depending on the provider. While that might put him in breach of the mortgage terms, he’s not thinking about that right now.

But realistically, if you’re not married you are going to be best off getting the house on the market asap and looking for a new home for you and the kids that’s within your budget.

It’s a lot, I know. And he truly is a piece of shit.

I am sorry, I can't remember how old your children are.

My children's father was the same and I said 'enough is enough' when they were 4 and 9 (many years ago!) - the latest ex was another abusive one but thankfully no children together.
I'm just keeping plants now instead of men as my internal radar for these types is obviously malfunctioning!

My two little ones used to go to their father every other weekend and once in the week he was supposed to collect them from school, help with homework, give them their tea and be home by 7pm for bath and bed.
Do you know how long that lasted for? He never once picked them up from school and the weekend visits lasted two months. The little one was repeatedly coming back very upset and the oldest one became quiet and withdrawn.
Eventually he told me that he and his brother were fed up with hearing about how horrible a mummy I was, that their father did nothing but question them about me and my life, run me down and then told them that if they told me of this, then I would be locked up in prison and they would never see me again. He also said that mummy was trying to take all his money (the days of automatic CSA involvement) and he may have to kill himself as he could not afford to eat! (drink, smoke, eating take-aways all seemed to be affordable).

Evil man. Anyway, my lads told me everything and begged not to have to go again. So they didn't. That was many many years ago and they are both healthy, well adjusted grown men with their own families and good careers. And him? They chose never to see him again and although the oldest one still remembers those times, he also remembers that I never once ran their father down. They still remember him though and what he said. I think he became their 'monster under the bed' of their childhood for a couple of months.

You will get through this - life also has a funny way of sorting out some problems that, at the time, we were in utter despair over and couldn't see a way out of. Just keep being their safe place, keep communication open with them, be aware of any behaviour changes with them and just keep being their loving mum.

I also recommend a glass of wine with a trusted friend now and then to offload!

Please read “how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk” age appropriate truth does not involve badmouthing your ex.

I am really struggling today.
Have to take the kids tonsome friends over 2 hours away so I can go to work tuesday and Wednesday. Will do this tomorrow afternoon.
Just so sad how it's all worked out.
Home insurance payment came out today so that's okay I guess.

Have you got things in place such as council tax discount, UC if eligible?

It will get better i promise ❤️

I'm 3 months in now and feel much better. He has (for now) stopped being so vile and contact is minimal and only in regards to the dc

The early days are the worst and you are doing just great.
I missed my ex more when something needed to be done that he would either deal with or we'd do together. But the more I did them, cried through them at times, felt like crap for a day or two afterwards - the next time I did them, I began to feel more confident, empowered, and less doubtful of my own abilities.

Driving long distances (more than 15 minutes!) was a biggie for me. Now I'm off to Spain soon. Six months ago, I would never have believed anyone who would have said that would have been happening.
I took the vacuum cleaner apart yesterday with the help of a YouTube video and fixed the darn thing.
I went up a stepladder into the loft.
I did my tax return, cleaned the windows and put oil and water in the car.

Just keep going one foot in front of the other and cry, rage - let everything out that you feel.

And if the kids are away for a few days, enjoy some long soaks in the bath, sobbing into the bubbles, watch a movie that you want to see, treat yourself to something nice to eat, stay in PJ's for as long as you can, meet a friend - anything, but have a plan every day.

The reality is that i won't have time without the kids. I have no help all bar my childminder when I am working.
Also i have applied for a child arrangement order including a c2 ( emergency one ) to court , this was 2 1/2 weeks ago and the regular one about 5 weeks ago and we still haven't got a court date.
Realistically I can't let him have them overnight/ unsupervised as he is so emotionally abusive towards them.
In his eyes I have destroyed the family. But there were 2 black eyes ( not direct hits but actions that happened to cause the black eyes) , bruises etcetc ( and that's the kids, not me)
It hard trying to negotiate doing everything by myself with the kids while keeping my job. My job does not lendnitself to school hours or wfh.
Luckily I have a lovely childminder.

I’m not the OP but wanted to say thank you for this useful and objective piece of advice.

I found that sometimes it was better to look at changing things around a little whilst the kids were still young, rather than always rushing, worrying and stressing about how I was going to maintain the routine pre-breakup.
I downsized the house, downsized my hours and downsized the bills and the stress too. I knew it wouldn't be forever because as the kids grew, I could increase my hours.
I spent the evenings studying with the OU - hopefully to get a better job later but mainly to keep my mind active and focused on something else. I found I didn't need the car, we took the tent to the beach some weekends as our mini holidays and I learnt to cook better. We had a simple, frugal life and I wont pretend that it wasn't hard - but the stress was gone.
I do sound like an old hippy!

I enjoyed picking the kids up from school, going home to help with homework and I certainly didn't miss the 'working mum guilt' of just not being there for them as much as I wanted to be.

The ex never stepped up to the plate - financially or otherwise - I raised my kids.
I showed them to appreciate things, to work for things that they wanted, to treat people with respect and kindness and they are my greatest achievements.
I also know that I did the best that I possibly could with what I had.

Is there a way or a will to maybe change things up a bit? New you, new start, less money, less stress? It may be too soon to think about big things but definitely worth keeping ideas on the back burner. Anything and everything is possible.

I self referred back to social services a few weeks ago ( we were referred after my oldest ended up with a black eye relating to his father smacking him last year, they closed the case as they deemed me a good mother)
I have just spoke to social worker and he told me my ex accused me of smacking, pinching and pushing the children.
He also said I had abandoned them over night several times and refused to take my 11 year old to an appointment.
I have NEVER abandoned my children. I had to go to my home country earlier in the year as my parent was critically ill in hospital. I arranged with school and friends who have known them since birth to look after them for the 4 days I was gone. Ex partner refused and threatened me with police if I took them there. And insisted to have them and I felt deeply uncomfortable to leave them but didnt have a choice. And knew theyd be at school and looked after by childminder before and after.
Apparently hes got logs re when he had them over night. When he fed them etc.
I am in bits. How can he lie like this? What will it be like in court.