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Original poster

Dating 2 men - I need to chose

85 replies

merrysunflower · 15/08/2025 00:04

I’m 37 and been single for 5 years. Over the years I’ve been on/off dating apps. I’ve never dated more than one person at a time. Once I arrange a first date, I just lose interest in the ones in the talking stage. I find I either lose interest in someone quickly, or I end it because I quite like them but they’re not emotional available. The last guy I dated I really liked but he was so hot and cold that I just walked away.

So sick of dating disasters I decided to just have fun, go on as many dates as possible and accept it’s probably going nowhere. Except; I’m now dating 2 people and I like them both. They’re so different, I like them in very different ways, but I can’t keep it up, I need to chose but I can’t.

Guy 1 is polar opposite to me, extrovert and I’m introverted. He’s very high energy, open, honest, wears his heart on his sleeve. I’m less open naturally but I have built trust, he recognises when he’s moving faster than me and adjusts. He’s a good dad, good job, own home. Actions match his words. Makes the time to see me around my children whilst still prioritising his, has them 50/50. So much fun to be around, we laugh and he brings out my more fun side.
I don’t know if I’d get tired of the high energy, I don’t know if he’ll calm as things get more serious.

Guy 2 is more on my level, calmer, more measured. A little more reserved. He doesn’t work, full time dad, no mum involved, big horrible back story and has had to make lots of sacrifices to be there for his daughter. Really difficult to find the time as both single parents but does make plans as much as possible. Cancelled a few times but I do understand, he has very limited support network. Has plans/ambitions for when daughter starts school. Less open emotionally and slower paced but not unavailable, I’d say cautious but not closed which is similar to me. I feel more secure in his presence but more anxious when away, more so because of all the barriers than how he is.

both have similar amounts of pros and cons. I just don’t know how to choose. Physically attracted to both but I’m holding back as I don’t want to go further with both at the same time. I couldn’t handle that.

how do I chose

OP posts:
Original poster
merrysunflower · 15/08/2025 09:25

DinoLil · 15/08/2025 08:51

You listed guy one first. So he's first?

The other chap, I'm sure is lovely, but guy one sounds like he has more positive attributes and will be a good match. Opposites attract for a reason.

You can still be a friend to guy two, but you listed guy one for a reason. That's where your heart is.

That’s an interesting point actually. I’ve just picked my phone up and had a message from both and I opened guy 1s message first. That also made me think that if I don’t hear from them in the morning then I tend to reach out to guy 1 more, I usually leave it longer before texting guy 2 if he doesn’t text first. Maybe because contact is less with 2 but maybe there is something in that.

OP posts:
Meandmyguy · 15/08/2025 09:27

Tell them both and let them decide.

MsMiniver · 15/08/2025 09:58

Which one is better at DIY? I will be choosing my next DH based on this.

MyNeedyLilacBird · 15/08/2025 10:10

Guy 2 just seems like hard work and I'd never go out with someone without a job (or kids tbh). Guy 1 sounds better on paper but maybe the real answer is neither of them are quite right and you need to look for guy 3.

Shellyash · 15/08/2025 11:39

No 1 looks a bit of a no brainer. Worth checking the family out and the relationship there - as at the moment you probably think that isn't relevant but over time it does become relevant. Our daughter in law is one of our family now.

BlondieMuver · 15/08/2025 11:53

Not a decision I could honestly make before having sex.
First one sounds better!

SunflowerLife · 15/08/2025 12:00

It's hard to say because it sounds very surface level with them both. I think if you genuinely were into either of them you'd know.

ponyprincess · 15/08/2025 12:09

I am guessing your ex was your 'type'? You had chemistry? And you know how that ended.

You say a lot of more positives in your post about Option 1 and, as just noted, listed him first.

But don't go with Option 1 just as he is good on paper if only that

As PPs have said, neither is an option too

Spinmerightroundbaby · 15/08/2025 18:24

merrysunflower · 15/08/2025 00:04

I’m 37 and been single for 5 years. Over the years I’ve been on/off dating apps. I’ve never dated more than one person at a time. Once I arrange a first date, I just lose interest in the ones in the talking stage. I find I either lose interest in someone quickly, or I end it because I quite like them but they’re not emotional available. The last guy I dated I really liked but he was so hot and cold that I just walked away.

So sick of dating disasters I decided to just have fun, go on as many dates as possible and accept it’s probably going nowhere. Except; I’m now dating 2 people and I like them both. They’re so different, I like them in very different ways, but I can’t keep it up, I need to chose but I can’t.

Guy 1 is polar opposite to me, extrovert and I’m introverted. He’s very high energy, open, honest, wears his heart on his sleeve. I’m less open naturally but I have built trust, he recognises when he’s moving faster than me and adjusts. He’s a good dad, good job, own home. Actions match his words. Makes the time to see me around my children whilst still prioritising his, has them 50/50. So much fun to be around, we laugh and he brings out my more fun side.
I don’t know if I’d get tired of the high energy, I don’t know if he’ll calm as things get more serious.

Guy 2 is more on my level, calmer, more measured. A little more reserved. He doesn’t work, full time dad, no mum involved, big horrible back story and has had to make lots of sacrifices to be there for his daughter. Really difficult to find the time as both single parents but does make plans as much as possible. Cancelled a few times but I do understand, he has very limited support network. Has plans/ambitions for when daughter starts school. Less open emotionally and slower paced but not unavailable, I’d say cautious but not closed which is similar to me. I feel more secure in his presence but more anxious when away, more so because of all the barriers than how he is.

both have similar amounts of pros and cons. I just don’t know how to choose. Physically attracted to both but I’m holding back as I don’t want to go further with both at the same time. I couldn’t handle that.

how do I chose

Guy no 1. He sounds invested, the second one doesn’t. I think you should ask yourself why you’d want to bother with someone who has shown you won’t be a priority.

ThatRareHazelTiger · 15/08/2025 18:25

The first one, definitely!!!

MMUmum · 15/08/2025 19:18

1st man sounds as though he brings out the best in you and encourages your personal growth. 2nd man? I imagine you two curling up together like 2 hedgehogs and hibernating, all cosy and introverted together. Depends on how you want your life to be moving forward

Pessismistic · 15/08/2025 19:48

I know you don’t want to be intimate but what if one is awful in bed and the other is amazing which one would you miss the most once you have decided? I think I would rather try them both out tbh.

CyanMaker · 15/08/2025 21:42

If it was me my choice would be #1. Just curious, do they know there's a rival?

Ladedahlia · 15/08/2025 21:48

Spinmerightroundbaby · 15/08/2025 18:24

Guy no 1. He sounds invested, the second one doesn’t. I think you should ask yourself why you’d want to bother with someone who has shown you won’t be a priority.

Show quote history

You think it’s better that he prioritises a woman he hardly knows over his own child??

GreenFlag · 15/08/2025 22:09

Go with whoever has the most money, best body and biggest willy.

Humanswarm · 15/08/2025 22:09

How long have you been talking to them? Have you been talking to one longer than the other? In the early stages it's hard to spot the flaws, and even harder I suspect when there are two to consider. Not judging at all there just making an observation. I think they both clearly have decent attributes although different from the others. Whose messages do you look forward to the most, who do you feel most disappointed by if you don't hear from them? If you picture either of them calling it off with you, which would you feel most sad to lose? If you imagine two years down the line, and this is a far stretch at this stage I know, but whose life do you see yourself slipping into? Whose values and morals are most aligned? Who parents the same way you do?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/08/2025 22:21

Definitely the first one surely this is obvious?!
the only reason to pick 2 would be if he was much kinder to you.
I don’t think 2 will get snapped up quickly so you could always try him again if it doesmt work out with 1

menopausalfart · 15/08/2025 22:25

Definitely the one that gives the least stress. I'm also reserved and much prefer the opposite in a partner.

ThePoshUns · 15/08/2025 22:34

Definitely 1, I couldn’t be with a man that didn’t work

eone · 15/08/2025 22:37

Number 1.
He has a job, financially stable, brings joy to your life and will be easier to organise a date, and spend some time together. His good energy is a huge plus. Does he have an okay relationship with mum of his children?

Number 2 would be a no go for me. No judgment that he is bringing a child on his own and temporarily doesn't work, but you will be subsidising him financially. Finding time for dates will also be a mission impossible. His life is much more complicated and troubled, you will be sharing all this with him. His ex abandoning child will bring many complications in behaviour of this child later down the line. It will affect you and your children. Visit step parenting board for some examples of that. It will take longer to develop relationship with him and to take it to the next level. What's often seen on here is men with children in similar situations push to move in together quickly. Life is complicated enough as it is. Why don't he sort his life first by at least getting a stable job before he starts dating. I would be cautious about future 'various short term jobs' he has lined up. These may never happen and he is telling you he isn't even planning on having a proper job and a stability. Yes, you can work and bring children on your own.

ImGoneUnderground · 15/08/2025 23:03

TheThreeStingrays · 15/08/2025 00:18

You’ve not mentioned chemistry and which one you have the most with. What does your heart tell you?

Agree - Which one would you miss most is he wasn't in your life? Who do you look forward to seeing the most?
Or, carry on as it is until you do know the answer?? I also agree with the 'heads & tails' suggestion - if you get an answer from something simple like that, & then decide to do 2 out of 3, you have your answer. (Do they know about each other?? Just out of interest).
Good luck (and well done for finding 2 seemingly decent men to chose from!) xx🌹

smallsilvercloud · 15/08/2025 23:59

Has either of them mentioned being exclusive? As no matter how keen they are sometimes when it comes down to commitment they suddenly go cold, I think number one sounds best, more keen and available and stable!

Peacepleaselouise · 16/08/2025 00:01

Number 1, without a doubt.

Lighteningstrikes · 16/08/2025 06:55

Number 1 sounds like he’s got spark and energy. You’d never be bored. For me, that’s a no brainer.

Dozer · 16/08/2025 07:05

If having a job was a requirement on your list, it would have been better to stick to that. No 2 could have waited until he could afford the time/money/energy to begin online dating. As it is his priorities are likely to mean a less enjoyable relationship than dating someone in an easier situation, for whom a relationship was a higher priority. So at this early stage would avoid him.

What did no 2 do for work and parenting wise before stopping work to focus on lone parenting?

With No 1, by ‘heart on sleeve’ and ‘intense’ do you mean he is oversharing and / or love bombing? If so those aren’t good.