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Original poster

Dating 2 men - I need to chose

85 replies

merrysunflower · 15/08/2025 00:04

I’m 37 and been single for 5 years. Over the years I’ve been on/off dating apps. I’ve never dated more than one person at a time. Once I arrange a first date, I just lose interest in the ones in the talking stage. I find I either lose interest in someone quickly, or I end it because I quite like them but they’re not emotional available. The last guy I dated I really liked but he was so hot and cold that I just walked away.

So sick of dating disasters I decided to just have fun, go on as many dates as possible and accept it’s probably going nowhere. Except; I’m now dating 2 people and I like them both. They’re so different, I like them in very different ways, but I can’t keep it up, I need to chose but I can’t.

Guy 1 is polar opposite to me, extrovert and I’m introverted. He’s very high energy, open, honest, wears his heart on his sleeve. I’m less open naturally but I have built trust, he recognises when he’s moving faster than me and adjusts. He’s a good dad, good job, own home. Actions match his words. Makes the time to see me around my children whilst still prioritising his, has them 50/50. So much fun to be around, we laugh and he brings out my more fun side.
I don’t know if I’d get tired of the high energy, I don’t know if he’ll calm as things get more serious.

Guy 2 is more on my level, calmer, more measured. A little more reserved. He doesn’t work, full time dad, no mum involved, big horrible back story and has had to make lots of sacrifices to be there for his daughter. Really difficult to find the time as both single parents but does make plans as much as possible. Cancelled a few times but I do understand, he has very limited support network. Has plans/ambitions for when daughter starts school. Less open emotionally and slower paced but not unavailable, I’d say cautious but not closed which is similar to me. I feel more secure in his presence but more anxious when away, more so because of all the barriers than how he is.

both have similar amounts of pros and cons. I just don’t know how to choose. Physically attracted to both but I’m holding back as I don’t want to go further with both at the same time. I couldn’t handle that.

how do I chose

OP posts:
winter8090 · 15/08/2025 06:16

You talk better about number 1 and he sounds more suitable.
fast forward 5 years and picture yourself all living together. See if that helps you decide the future you want.

floraldebacle · 15/08/2025 06:20

Never date a man with no job. You will end up carrying the financial responsibility, and that will suck the life from you.

Original poster
merrysunflower · 15/08/2025 06:55

I nearly didn’t date guy number 2 due to the no job thing. That was an absolute non-negotiable fo me. But then I thought about it and you wouldn’t judge a mother for not working and raising her child, what’s the difference? He suddenly had full custody of a child and had to stop work. Mum currently doesn’t have any contact. He has various short term jobs lined up for when she starts school in September and is looking for a more permanent suitable full time role. I have considered the financial issues but I feel it’s unfair to judge him on its. But it is something that could be an issue, I do recognise that.

I am physically attracted to both, if I had to pick I think there’s probably more chemistry with number 2. Number 1 can be quite intense which sometimes makes me pull back, but as I said he does recognise this and he does adjust and he respects my pace. He's never pushy, frustrated and even slightly annoyed by it, not that he shows anyway.

my worry with guy 1 is that he is much higher energy, and I worry that either ill find that too much eventually or he’ll be fed up of having to hold back to suit me.

OP posts:
DaisyDoodler · 15/08/2025 07:35

merrysunflower · 15/08/2025 06:55

I nearly didn’t date guy number 2 due to the no job thing. That was an absolute non-negotiable fo me. But then I thought about it and you wouldn’t judge a mother for not working and raising her child, what’s the difference? He suddenly had full custody of a child and had to stop work. Mum currently doesn’t have any contact. He has various short term jobs lined up for when she starts school in September and is looking for a more permanent suitable full time role. I have considered the financial issues but I feel it’s unfair to judge him on its. But it is something that could be an issue, I do recognise that.

I am physically attracted to both, if I had to pick I think there’s probably more chemistry with number 2. Number 1 can be quite intense which sometimes makes me pull back, but as I said he does recognise this and he does adjust and he respects my pace. He's never pushy, frustrated and even slightly annoyed by it, not that he shows anyway.

my worry with guy 1 is that he is much higher energy, and I worry that either ill find that too much eventually or he’ll be fed up of having to hold back to suit me.

See I still think number 1 on paper as I think that energy can keep a relationship going, but I feel like you are trying to “sell” / convince us of number 2 which makes me feel like that may be where your heart is going, you just want it confirming/ validating?

sometimes if even on paper something looks right but you’re still trying to convince yourself of the other one then that can tell you a lot in itself.

Ladedahlia · 15/08/2025 07:41

I think it’s awful that so many are saying they wouldn’t see a man who is a SAHF . Perhaps it’s very admirable that he puts his child first as a sole parent? A very talented male friend of ours stayed at home with his kids for years full time. When they went to school he retrained. He was a brilliant father . There are so many feckless men described on MN surely it’s to be applauded that he’s stepped up?

Original poster
merrysunflower · 15/08/2025 08:01

DaisyDoodler · 15/08/2025 07:35

See I still think number 1 on paper as I think that energy can keep a relationship going, but I feel like you are trying to “sell” / convince us of number 2 which makes me feel like that may be where your heart is going, you just want it confirming/ validating?

sometimes if even on paper something looks right but you’re still trying to convince yourself of the other one then that can tell you a lot in itself.

Show quote history

I think it comes across that way as I feel people have judged him unfairly for not working, I do feel quite defensive of that. I know the back story which I obviously don’t want to share. If guy 1 was given a hard time I think I’d be equally defensive of him as well. I’m definitely not swayed strongly either way.
I’d be quite upset to walk away from either of these men.
guy 2 is more my type, guy 1 is very different to what I’d usually go for.

OP posts:
Ladedahlia · 15/08/2025 08:04

You know I think you really prefer no 2. Go with your gut.

Bowup · 15/08/2025 08:11

No1, it sounds like you’ll have a nicer life with him, which should be your priority. He’s keen and seems full of effort.
No2, what stands out is that your more anxious when away from him, he’s cancelled a few times, coupled together is shouting red flags. Honestly it shouts off the page you need to run before you get hurt.

surprisebaby12 · 15/08/2025 08:13

I can’t see the appeal of the second one at all. One has a balanced, well set up and drama free existence. The other has a ton of baggage and doesn’t even work - future plans mean very little unless he’s actually working towards them. If you’ve got kids, the first is a no brainer. i know everyone is saying its good he stepped up etc, but in practical terms she has no actual idea if he is lying or if he’s just feckless. The fact you’re undecided says to me though that neither is right.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 15/08/2025 08:13

If you’re having difficulty choosing, then neither. If someone’s right for you, it’s very clear and you don’t need to draw up pro and con lists.

However, of the two, the employed one. Other than retirement, there is no situation or set of circumstances in which I’d advise someone to start a relationship with an unemployed adult.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 15/08/2025 08:15

Obviously 1. I don't understand- given what you have written - why this is even a question. You said guy 2 is more your 'type' but that seems to be all he has going for him. How has going for your type worked out so far? Try something new. If it doesn't work out then don't go back to guy 2. Don't date someone without a job irrespective of circumstances and back story. Put yourself first for once.

Lolopolo · 15/08/2025 08:16

I would choose number 1. If he’s lively and energetic it will mean he’s motivated more to have his own life and interests outside of the relationship. I’d much prefer that personally as it would give me more time to myself. Number 1 sounds easy going and number 2 intense and hard work.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 15/08/2025 08:16

You're worried about no 1 being too much energy in the future. I expect you’ll be able to negotiate that, he’ll be able to divert his energy to his kids / friends etc when you need time to chill. You should go for the one you’ll have the best life with, which sounds like no. 1.

MrsMoastyToasty · 15/08/2025 08:19

Neither. Wait for guy no 3 who has the best qualities of no 1 & 2.

MaxTalk · 15/08/2025 08:20

2 for sure. 1 sounds like a right royal pain in the butt. :)

And I am far more of a 1 type personality wise..!

Eeehbyeck · 15/08/2025 08:21

As much as he’s not at fault or you’d judge him for it, number 2 isn’t really in a position got invest properly in this relationship long term by the sounds of it, it will run out of steam if he hasn’t got or won’t make the time to see you on a regular basis. Then you will have ditched number 1 and regret it.
i also think tbh number 2 isn’t half as invested as number 1 so you might guy 2 calls it a day soon anyhow, if he wants to see you and likes you enough he would be more open.
neither is a guarantee long term, id make the decision soon and go with it in a relaxed ‘see what happens’ way not a ‘I’ve made this massive decision so this has to work out’ way

bitterlemonade · 15/08/2025 08:21

I would pick No.1.

Having come out of a relationship with someone more like No.2, waiting a few years and then meeting someone like No.1, I have not looked back.

I am a real introvert and was worried but I think it all calms down and it’s balanced out. Being with someone confident and that takes care of themselves has been a game changer.

No.2 will drain you and the anxious feeling won’t go.

Dweetfidilove · 15/08/2025 08:25

I would choose neither.

#1 - I don't do 'intense', even if they can pull back. Intense is who they are by nature - most exhausting once the rose tint fades.

#2 for me is a non-starter. He has a lot going on and should focus on that, as his responsibilities already make him unreliable. He's cancelled a few times...

SGBK4862 · 15/08/2025 08:25

I'd sleep with number 1 and see how I felt after that. As an introvert who really wants to be an extrovert, I'd like someone active and outgoing.

You can always do the same with number 2 if the above action doesn't get you any further forward!

Nibblenobble · 15/08/2025 08:27

Personally I’d sleep with both of them!

Boobyslims · 15/08/2025 08:27

Eeny meeny miney mo… and then see if you immediately go “oh no! I really wanted the other guy”

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 15/08/2025 08:34

I think number 1 will be good for a short term relationship whereas number 2 feels like harder work but more compatible longer term?

I like how you have defended number 2. You’re right that if that were a mum with her DC then nobody would have commented.

dogcatkitten · 15/08/2025 08:39

I would go for Guy 1, he seems to make you happy and has a good job. Guy 2 may drag you down with his problems and no job, so will be relying on you a lot.

MamaElephantMama · 15/08/2025 08:41

It’s a no brainer for me - Option 1.
I wouldn’t have even considered a date with Option 2.

DinoLil · 15/08/2025 08:51

You listed guy one first. So he's first?

The other chap, I'm sure is lovely, but guy one sounds like he has more positive attributes and will be a good match. Opposites attract for a reason.

You can still be a friend to guy two, but you listed guy one for a reason. That's where your heart is.