Is a “nice enough” relationship enough?

[Tvtoo34]

I don’t believe the grass is always greener but sometimes I see other couples (in real life that I know) and I can just tell they have a real strong true love and I feel jealous. I have a boyfriend of a few years and he is a great guy but sometimes I think is this really it for me? I know he would be good to me and if we had kids I’m sure he would be a good dad but is that enough?

I hate that "grass is always greener" thing because you know what? sometimes it is (says me, happily married to DH #2!).

If you have doubts now, they will intensify when the kids have grown up and left home and you're left on the sofa with him for the next 40-odd years...

I actually believe there is the right person for the right time as well. If you think he would be a good father and you would enjoy raising children with him just do that. You don’t need to think any further ahead.
You can meet somebody else to do the Twilight years with if you want to and if you don’t, you can sit on the sofa on your own

My wife and I got together later in life (we were both 40s). From the that day to this, there have been zero doubts for me. She is the best thing to have happened to me. I can't imagine a day without her.

I love that. And that’s the kinda feeling I want to have

I think it depends what you think you're missing.

IME, couple who present as perfect in public often have lots of secrets. Passion means lows as well as highs.

If they present as secure people who love and respect one another, that's something to aim for. I'm not so sure about the ones who are so,so in love iyswim.

Probably fair to let him in on the thinking though.

Unless you're really lucky, I actually think maybe this kind of relationship is what you get later in life... when you're a fully rounded person and find someone who slots perfectly in. With younger relationships, it's more about (consciously or unconsciously) finding someone you can achieve your next life goal with.

So I think @Noelshighflyingturds is right here, although it would be pushing it a little if you find yourself taking marriage vows with your fingers crossed behind your back 🤣

What do you feel you're missing out on, OP?

I feel like there’s something lacking emotionally maybe, an emotional depth or a deep emotional connection, hard to put my finger on it.

Fwiw, I think men do have this certainty in a way women don't. That's not to say women don't "know" they're in the right relationship, but I do think we question things more or maybe that's just me

I’d say you’re right.
Ive had a number of relationships with varying degrees of the ‘love’ feeling so I do know what I’m capable of feeling

That doesn't sound good, I'm afraid. If you'd said "Not sure if I can have as much fun with him as I did with my mates when we used to go out at weekends" or "He's not as good in bed as that hot BF I had when I was 19" ... but emotional connection is the bedrock, OP. Without it, you'll be on here looking for advice 😳

@Noelshighflyingturds I believe that too ,

the old expression is some people are right for a season , some for a certain period of life, some for a lifetime -

I’ve had two “nice enough” relationships:

1. First was in my early 20s when I had literally zero self esteem and was a complete mess. I stayed with him because he was nice to me and I thought I wasn’t worth true love, sexual chemistry, and all the other things that take a relationship from ‘nice’ to fantastic. I finally ended it and broke his heart.

2. Second was in my early 30s when I just caved to societal pressure and got together with a ‘good on paper’ man before my ovaries packed up or whatever. COMPLETE disaster. The relationship killed my sex drive dead, I was resentful all the time and… exhausted from burying my true feelings. Everything finally came to a head on a ‘romantic’ holiday when we had a huge fight and both finally admitted this. is. not. working. Lesson there is do not stay with a man you’re incompatible with because you think time is running out.

I’m in a new relationship now with somebody I never thought I’d be in a relationship with, but our differences are what keep things exciting - they’re literally an aphrodisiac 🥰 Only time will tell if a relationship where two people are really into each other but are very different can work!

Maybe. I think what @Beachtastic says has some merit. I don't think I would have been ready for it as a younger man. That is a topic for a whole other thread. I hadn't been married before, no children, and was quite contentedly single.

I think the thing that surprised me the most is that there was zero effort required. That doesn't mean that there was no compromise about certain things, of course there was, but things I thought previously that I would be immovable about suddenly became unimportant.

A good deal of my friends have ended up in relationships as they either didn't want to be alone, or more frequently just drifted along with the next logical step (I.e. they wanted to move out of the parental home, so moved in together. Children and a marriage later, they realised they didn't actually like each other that much). I was happy single, and living alone, but as it turns out, I am even happier now. Who'd have thunk it?

We have a very good physical relationship so there is definitely that element and also a companionship there. But a deep burning love, I don’t think so but definitely an attachment and I care about him

I would disagree. Although I wouldn’t have disagreed when I was younger. In previous relationships I always felt that slight uncertainty, but now with my current DH I could have written that post myself. Again, we were both early 40s when we met and maybe you know yourself better as you get older, but I have definitely finally found everything I ever wanted.

It’s a tricky one OP, listen to your gut but don’t be swayed by others as people out on a front which isn’t necessarily their real relationship. Be honest with yourself about what you need to feel content.

I don’t know. I remember at work who was in a relationship with a beautiful nurse genuinely never met a nicer woman in my life.
And there he was sat around the table after two sniffs of a bar and apron lamenting how he wasn’t sure if she was the one and what if he met somebody better
Cheeky fucker was never likely to meet anybody better

If there’s good sexual chemistry then… bird in the hand? But then I’ve always found that SO difficult to find in a man.

This might seem weird but I never used to consider whether someone was compatible in terms of intelligence. I was so used to being pushed around in shitty jobs, covering for other people's negligence and stupidity, and being paid less, that I didn't bat an eyelid at being misunderstood or devalued in a romantic relationship and just assumed I was doing something wrong.

When I met DH #2, he said "The only thing you've ever done wrong is being clever" which was obviously very flattering but also opened my eyes to an aspect that we don't often think about, or at least I didn't. Thinking back to some of the failed relationships where I could talk until I was blue in the face and they still wouldn't get it, maybe it was gaslighting, or maybe they were just dumb, or maybe a bit of both.

If I had my time again, I'd be on the lookout for this as well as emotional compatibility.

Out of interest, were you previously married? I just think once the frenzy of trying to meet a husband ‘in time’ (ie dating in your 30s as a woman…) falls away, dating must be so much more relaxed and natural.

That’s so true.
that is definitely something I look for. This many is quite intelligent but not the most engaging, like doesn’t always ask follow up questions

This attitude upsets me as my dd said the same.. I reminded her how she felt when I split from her dad. I know how it’s affected and influenced her life and I told her she needs to meet the right one for her, not just someone ok to raise her kids.

Hold out for real love and emotional connection if that's what you want deep down.

I was in your situation in my late 20s, everything right on paper but something missing. He wanted to get married but eventually I just broke down and ended the relationship.

I then had a lot of dumb relationships but finally met DH, I knew within a couple months I'd spend the rest of my life with him. That was almost 20 years ago and we are still madly in love, he makes me laugh every day, we still talk for hours etc.

It's the emotional connection that gets you through hard times and keeps the spark alive.

This would be 90% of people
Its a rare thing to find love as aposed to mediocrity, the other 9% find abuse. I hope its those numbers anyway and not tilted more towards abuse