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Original poster

WWYD? Our married friends seem totally enmeshed...

33 replies

SandyThumb · 14/08/2025 17:37

We have some good friends - a retired couple in their 60s. We've known them for ages. But they seem to have some weird 'rules' in their marriage which affect our wider friendship - the main one being that they always spend weekends together.
I understand when the DH was working he was often away in the week, so weekends were 'protected time' for them, but now they're retired they have total flexibility.

So....
The wife is going away on a midweek (Tues-Fri) yoga retreat for a few days with friends, so my DH asked her DH if he fancied a couple of days away on a 'boys trip' doing some hiking/ cycling stuff. He agreed. Getting dates they could both do was a bit tricky but eventually they found a Sat evening to Tues they could both do, and DH booked some accommodation.
Meanwhile, knowing I'd have some 'DH-free' time I booked things in to do - see friends & family etc.

Anyway, the wife has now kicked off, saying because it starts on a weekend she wants to go too, until the Monday evening! It seems they have had a big row about it (because... 'rules'!)
Poor DH is now annoyed as he was looking forward to a boys trip.
The other DH doesn't seem to get to say no she can't and is instead saying I should now go too (but I have made other plans and don't want to!).
DH doesn't want to go if it's the three of them, as he says it will totally change the dynamic.

WWYD?

OP posts:
DiligentStrawberry · 14/08/2025 17:42

Well, in your shoes I would stay out of it.

But if I was your DH I would be pissed off but suck it up. Going as the three of them will be weird, but it might be the sign they need to become a bit more flexible.

I definitely, definitely would not be giving them any advice or direction on their marriage rules though. That’s something they need to figure out for themselves.

GrannyGoggles · 14/08/2025 17:45

DH uses his words and bows out. You do your stuff. Going forward you don’t organise ‘boys’ or ‘girls’ stuff with them at weekends.

Agree with you: a little odd

GoldDuster · 14/08/2025 17:45

You don't go, and DH says that he's not going because three's a crowd. Then steer clear and leave them to work it out, and DH find someone else to go on a boys trip with who's less odd.

Original poster
SandyThumb · 14/08/2025 17:53

GrannyGoggles · 14/08/2025 17:45

DH uses his words and bows out. You do your stuff. Going forward you don’t organise ‘boys’ or ‘girls’ stuff with them at weekends.

Agree with you: a little odd

Agree, but what's weird is that it was the other DH who suggested the Saturday evening start as it was his diary they were restricted by later in the week!

It's so weird, and now it's probably going to cost more as they'll need two rooms etc.

OP posts:
Lighteningstrikes · 14/08/2025 18:12

I’ve known a few couples like this, it’s usually down to insecurity and control.

I wouldn’t change your plans, and nobody could blame your DH for bowing out. There’s nothing wrong with making a stand with people like this (the woman in this case), she’s obviously used to getting her own way, and isn’t considering her DH or your DH.

Original poster
SandyThumb · 14/08/2025 18:13

Grrrr... now DH is really trying to get me to change my plans so that I can go too, so he's not a 'third wheel' !!

I've told him no way!

OP posts:
Peaktime · 14/08/2025 18:15

Did DH book the accomodation without checking though? I think protected time in a long marriage is a good thing. It's not like he's never allowed out without her, if they were planning a midweek trip.

DiligentStrawberry · 14/08/2025 18:18

SandyThumb · 14/08/2025 18:13

Grrrr... now DH is really trying to get me to change my plans so that I can go too, so he's not a 'third wheel' !!

I've told him no way!

Sympathies for DH but sometimes staying quiet and sticking to the plan makes those causing drama just feel silly. So he should accept his fate.

if he does that I bet the other guy makes his wife stay home.

Original poster
SandyThumb · 14/08/2025 18:22

Peaktime · 14/08/2025 18:15

Did DH book the accomodation without checking though? I think protected time in a long marriage is a good thing. It's not like he's never allowed out without her, if they were planning a midweek trip.

No, the other DH suggested a Sat evening start as he needs to be back for Tues. The thing is, this whole trip only came about because the wife was going away for week, but now it's crept into the weekend it's as if she's saying he can't go without her!

I just can't fathom being in that kind of relationship?! DH and I do lots of stuff together and separately with friends too. He likes motorsports, I Iike the theatre. We don't feel the need to live in each others pockets and tell the other what they are, and aren't, 'allowed' to do!

OP posts:
AnOldCynic · 14/08/2025 18:22

If I were you I wouldn’t change my plans and I’d hope DP would bow out pointedly saying it’s not the holiday he’d intended.

If he can’t get a refund can he change dates and you go there together at some point?

SunlitUpland · 14/08/2025 18:23

You just have weird friends.

GoldDuster · 14/08/2025 18:25

SandyThumb · 14/08/2025 18:13

Grrrr... now DH is really trying to get me to change my plans so that I can go too, so he's not a 'third wheel' !!

I've told him no way!

This. DH can decide what he wants to do, but don't get dragged along as some kind of rent a crowd.

Peaktime · 14/08/2025 18:26

SandyThumb · 14/08/2025 18:22

No, the other DH suggested a Sat evening start as he needs to be back for Tues. The thing is, this whole trip only came about because the wife was going away for week, but now it's crept into the weekend it's as if she's saying he can't go without her!

I just can't fathom being in that kind of relationship?! DH and I do lots of stuff together and separately with friends too. He likes motorsports, I Iike the theatre. We don't feel the need to live in each others pockets and tell the other what they are, and aren't, 'allowed' to do!

Show quote history

So the wife gets back from a trip just as the husband goes? I can see why they'd want the weekend together.

Original poster
SandyThumb · 14/08/2025 18:27

GoldDuster · 14/08/2025 18:25

This. DH can decide what he wants to do, but don't get dragged along as some kind of rent a crowd.

Show quote history

Exactly.

The annoying thing is, if it had been originally pitched as a two couples trip then I would have happily gone along with it, but I don't intend to cancel on my friends and family just because of their weird rules!

OP posts:
Peaktime · 14/08/2025 18:29

I think it's highly likely you haven't heard the full story. One of the DHs messed up.

Original poster
SandyThumb · 14/08/2025 18:33

Peaktime · 14/08/2025 18:26

So the wife gets back from a trip just as the husband goes? I can see why they'd want the weekend together.

Show quote history

No, he is going Sat evening to Tuesday evening
Wife wants to go Sat to Monday evening, then will travel back on her own to go away herself on Tuesday.

Oh, and now it turns out she wants DH to take a separate car, so she can drive herself back and then DH can drive her DH home! Honestly you couldn't make it up, it's so unbelievable...

It's basically two f*king days! Can she not be separated for two days?

OP posts:
Original poster
SandyThumb · 14/08/2025 18:34

Peaktime · 14/08/2025 18:29

I think it's highly likely you haven't heard the full story. One of the DHs messed up.

The other DH messed up. He agreed the dates thinking it would be 'fine' but seemingly it's not, which is why she's been kicking off.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 14/08/2025 18:37

Peaktime · 14/08/2025 18:26

So the wife gets back from a trip just as the husband goes? I can see why they'd want the weekend together.

Show quote history

They’re a retired couple who probably spend most days together. Two days apart wouldn’t kill them

Skissors · 14/08/2025 18:38

The same thing happened to DH . There used to be a group of about 4 or 5 who would have lads meet ups, but the wife of one put her foot down and her dh went along with it.

Theoldbird · 14/08/2025 18:46

This woman sounds bonkers and actually controlling. Your dh should just cancel and not get drawn into their odd set up.

Letstheriveranswer · 14/08/2025 18:46

GoldDuster · 14/08/2025 17:45

You don't go, and DH says that he's not going because three's a crowd. Then steer clear and leave them to work it out, and DH find someone else to go on a boys trip with who's less odd.

This.

Your DH should just tell the other guy he doesn't want to intrude on his special time with his wife and three would be a crowd so he is bowing out.

That leaves the other guy to realise how weird it all is and work it out with his wife.

It's odd that she doesn't mind doing their own thing midweek but that he specifically isn't allowed out at weekends without her.

JustSawJohnny · 14/08/2025 19:14

SandyThumb · 14/08/2025 18:33

No, he is going Sat evening to Tuesday evening
Wife wants to go Sat to Monday evening, then will travel back on her own to go away herself on Tuesday.

Oh, and now it turns out she wants DH to take a separate car, so she can drive herself back and then DH can drive her DH home! Honestly you couldn't make it up, it's so unbelievable...

It's basically two f*king days! Can she not be separated for two days?

Show quote history

Sounds like they don't trust each other.

It's all very dramatic and weird.

Hohofortherobbers · 14/08/2025 19:27

Your dh bows out, he says probably better if friend and his wife go on the trip alone, request they refund him on accommodation

Scarylett · 14/08/2025 19:30

Can never understand these couples who seem to do a three legged race throughout their marriage.

Endofyear · 14/08/2025 19:32

Well, they're a bit odd but how they live their life is up to them 🤷‍♀️ if I were your DH, I would just bow out of the trip and leave them to get on with it!